The Dogmother Posted August 6, 2009 Share Posted August 6, 2009 I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.' ----------------------- This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster. ------------------------ I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.' ----------------------- I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.' ---------------------------- I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best before End' --------------------------- I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said 'No, just a watch.' ------------------------------ I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?' -------------------------- My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel. ------------------------ I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said, 'You've got cholera.' --------------------------- I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, its P something T something R. ---------------------------- I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down. ---------------------------- I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on. --------------------------- The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.' -------------------------- I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for the custard.' ---------------------- This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me..' -------------------------- I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.' ---------------------------- I phoned the local builders today, I said to them 'Can I have a skip outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!' -------------------------------- This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!' -------------------------- I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest' ------------------------------ I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said 'I careered off the road' ---------------------- I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there. ------------------------- I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts. ------------------------ I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar' I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin. --------------------------- I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.' -------------------------------- I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow' -------------------------------- A waiter asks a man, 'May I take your order, sir?' 'Yes,' the man replies. 'I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?' 'Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die __________________ I collect those sick bags you get in planes. I started off just bringing them home from flights I'd been on personnally, then my friends got to hear about it and they started bringing them back too - I've got over 1000 now, but I'm going to have to start getting rid of the older ones soon. They're starting to leak.____________________________________________ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Egluntyne Posted August 6, 2009 Share Posted August 6, 2009 Brilliant! My tea came down my nose at the Kettle one. Nice to start the day with a laugh. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Dogmother Posted August 6, 2009 Author Share Posted August 6, 2009 Made me titter too Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yorkshire Pudding Posted August 6, 2009 Share Posted August 6, 2009 DS1 is in stitches at these (edited highlights, at any rate)! Thanks for brightening up a busy Thursday. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Valkyrie Posted August 6, 2009 Share Posted August 6, 2009 Love 'em. I have had a right giggling session. DD has no understanding of these whatsoever. I'm going to forward these to my neighbour to give her a laugh too. Thanks Claret. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ain't Nobody Here Posted August 6, 2009 Share Posted August 6, 2009 Those are brilliant . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chickvic Posted August 6, 2009 Share Posted August 6, 2009 made me laugh! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Faye&Ant Posted August 6, 2009 Share Posted August 6, 2009 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Olly Posted August 6, 2009 Share Posted August 6, 2009 Thank you so much for those - they've made me howl with laughter, and it's so refreshing that they are all so innocent. I love the one about the waiter and the chickens ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gamebird Posted August 6, 2009 Share Posted August 6, 2009 Absolutely fantastic. Hubby and I used to love Tommy Cooper (still do) and you can just hear him telling the jokes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chick wiggle Posted August 6, 2009 Share Posted August 6, 2009 Brilliant, really made me laugh, thank you Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Happy chickens! Posted August 6, 2009 Share Posted August 6, 2009 Boys liked the sick bag one best. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluekarin Posted August 6, 2009 Share Posted August 6, 2009 They are very good. I remember watching the Royal Variety show where he collapsed and that everyone thought it was part of the act. I said to my family that it didn't seem part of the joke. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Looney Posted August 6, 2009 Share Posted August 6, 2009 They are hilarious! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Space Chick Posted August 6, 2009 Share Posted August 6, 2009 I've sent these to my friend and apparently Chris Evans said some of these on Radio 2 this evening I wonder if he's an Omleteer Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Happy chickens! Posted August 6, 2009 Share Posted August 6, 2009 Well, he does have chickens..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
emily95 Posted August 7, 2009 Share Posted August 7, 2009 They're great Em xxx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
