AJuff Posted January 11, 2010 Share Posted January 11, 2010 My DD 12 is like a teenager, moody, selfish, stroppy, life not fair attitude, , refuses advice, looks pretty but has a foul mouth towards YD when she thinks I'm not listening, uncooperative, uncommunicative . . . shall I go on? Any one know of a book I could read to point me in the right direction? I'm not sure how to deal with this one??? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jules. Posted January 11, 2010 Share Posted January 11, 2010 My 12 yo ( nearly 13) is just the same. I hope he reads this post A few months ago I lent Laurmurf my book " Teenagers what every parent has to know" by Rob Parsons. I think she still has it, you are welcome to borrow it from her if she'll post it on to you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cinnamon Posted January 11, 2010 Share Posted January 11, 2010 All I can add is that as the mum of a 14 & 16 year old,it does get better. There is a lot of teeth gritting involved,but they do turn into lovely people in the end. Thats what I keep telling myself anyway,with the 14 year old They need boundaries,they will test their limit with you,& you must stand firm. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tooties Posted January 11, 2010 Share Posted January 11, 2010 having been through the teenage stage with 2 step children I can honestly say, particularly with the younger one, it was a test in self control for me, as I have a wicked temper! The very best thing I found was not to get riled and to walk away when he was being unreasonable. Keep your house rules simple, and do not go back on them. Wish I'd had a book at the time! (mind you, hes 24 now and still hasn't totally grown out of being a stroppy teenager! perhaps I should borrow it too! ) But it does get better...... eventually! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tom123 Posted January 11, 2010 Share Posted January 11, 2010 Has he got an interest? When I was like that my mum didn't know what to do, after a while I showed an interest in chickens and helped out with my friend now this is my main hobby and I enjoy it. I'm not grumpy anymore as I am having fun and spend time outside not sat in front of computer all day long. Just a thought from another teenager Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alis girls Posted January 11, 2010 Share Posted January 11, 2010 Ditto that and lots of cuddles. they are very sensitive and I noticed once when nagging ES 14 he had tears in his eyes - I felt really awful and gave him a big cuddle. They try to say they dont want to be hugged but take no notice - I think they expect to be disapproved of. I can't advise on a book but genrally most teens are lovely - and they do get a bad press. Make sure you explain if some of her behaviour worries you. The problems with younger siblings may be due to the fact she is lower in pecking order at school and its someone to bicker with. My 2 drive me nuts at times Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AJuff Posted January 11, 2010 Author Share Posted January 11, 2010 I'm sitting my Grade 1 piano next week and I'm starting to feel nervous already. I was discussing this with OH when DD (the almost teenager) said she didn't see the point of my sitting exams at my age as I'd be dead before the results came through. I bit my tongue and so did OH. However later on we did wonder whether we should have said something. We presented it to her over dinner how such a remark was offensive and hurtful. She has a busy life with flute, piano, choir and school. Given a choice I think she'd drop everything and devote all her time to mobile phone and laptop. She recently told me she couldn't sleep as she was thinking about returning to her old school . . she's at a lovely private school at the moment. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
debbier Posted January 11, 2010 Share Posted January 11, 2010 she didn't see the point of my sitting exams at my age as I'd be dead before the results came through. I honestly don't think that some children/teenagers really think about what effect their thoughts may have on others. They are in their own little bubble sometimes. I wouldn't take it too seriously, but , yes, explain that you were hurt by it, if so. A while back, my son asked me whether I'd rather be buried or cremated when I die. A perfectly reasonable question, I suppose, and it made me think about it, but I'm hopefully not going to pop my clogs for a good while yet Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laurmurf Posted January 11, 2010 Share Posted January 11, 2010 Jules's book is really good to give an objective view point. I've got a lot of benefit from it, thanks Jules! I'll be happy to send it on, as Jules is happy that i do so. the other thing that i did when my kids hit that age was to take a parenting skills course run by the adult ed dept of the council: Parenting Teenagers. It helped enormously, as much to hear other parents' experiences! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jules. Posted January 11, 2010 Share Posted January 11, 2010 Has he got an interest? When I was like that my mum didn't know what to do, after a while I showed an interest in chickens and helped out with my friend now this is my main hobby and I enjoy it. I'm not grumpy anymore as I am having fun and spend time outside not sat in front of computer all day long. Just a thought from another teenager My 12 yo helps me with the chickens....... He's a good lad at heart x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chucky Mama Posted January 11, 2010 Share Posted January 11, 2010 We have 3 children 11, 13 & 16 who are all lovely (so far so good) We always make sure that we take time out with each child on their own even if it is just driving to the supermarket, walking the dog or cooking together. Anything really as long as it is 1 to 1. I think that it helps to split them up. It is difficult though with them at this age as one minute they want to be treated as an adult and the next they want to have a big old cuddle. We don't encourage spending time on games consoles but when ours do we try to spend some time doing it with them. There is nothing that pleases mine more that thrashing me on the Wii fit or slaughtering their father on James Bond Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Happy chickens! Posted January 11, 2010 Share Posted January 11, 2010 http://www.amazon.co.uk/Help-My-Teenager-Alien-Situation/dp/0718149718 my bible!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sadietoo Posted January 11, 2010 Share Posted January 11, 2010 Have you ruled out bullying as a possible reason for her complete change of attitude? I went to a "lovely private school" and if you weren't part of the "In Crowd" it was evil! My daughter also had a miserable first year at secondary school as she didn't really know any one else in her form because we sent her to the better state school but it was out of catchment so she had left all her other friends behind. To start with we thought she was just sulking about it, but it turned out that she was getting picked on by a couple of the other kids. She kept going on and on about junior school and how lovely it was and how she missed all her friends and eventually she told us what was happening and we were able to go to the school and sort it out. It's very obvious to say that it's a very testing time between childhood and adulthood, and questions of mortality do arise for the first time and they can be very tactless to say the least! I don't know of a book but we seem to have weathered the storm by a misture of cuddles and understanding and some heated discussions!. One of the problems was that she felt no-one listened to her in an argument (sorry discussion) and so we did that thing with the wooden spoon, where during the discussion the person holding the spoon gets to talk and make their point without interruption (set a time limit ) . Finally I can only agree with sticking to those boundaries even when they make you doubt them...it will come right in the end Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seagazer Posted January 12, 2010 Share Posted January 12, 2010 Oh it is hard at time with children, they really do try your patience. I should think the exam comment was probably regretted as soon as she said it. I still think about when I said something similar to my Dad and thats 30 odd years ago I think as everyone has said that its just a case of keep talking and cuddling, whenever any of mine have had a complete strop with me (as long as I was in a calm mood myself) I used to say, ok scream all you like but I still love you. You can always come on here and rant anyway, we've all been there or are going through it ourselves - my YS is 12 and okay at the moment Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chickendoodle Posted January 12, 2010 Share Posted January 12, 2010 I saw a programme some time ago and it reckoned that the reason teenagers say hurtful and stupid things is a chemical process in the brain. It was something like one centre of the brain develop into an adult but the reasoning and empathy bit lags behind. Just don't take anything they say to heart too much but point out how hurtful it is. I had a horrible time with my eldest DD - she went from a lovely child to a monster at around 15. She said to me once that when she was little she thought I knew everything but now that she was grown up (?) she realised I knew nothing. Almost an overnight transformation at age 18 and now she is a wonderful 24 year old social worker. My younger DD didn't go through the challenging bit at all as a teenager (she was a very challenging child though!) Grit your teeth - you will all get through it Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chickencam Posted January 12, 2010 Share Posted January 12, 2010 Their first year at secondary school can be very tough. My DS was really miserable, it is a huge transition between being top dog at primary school and feeling quite grown up to being bottom of the heap and feeling very vunerable. The best bit of advice that I can offer is to keep all lines of communication open at all times however inconvenient. Doing something one to one as has been suggested is very important. However mundane the task may be it is a time when teenagers tend to give out signals and raise topics that they wouldn't otherwise do. I find that just driving somewhere with one of them has become a deep and meaning full discussion. On one occasion my ED and I went to a welcome to yr11 meeting at school and she opened up to me about her worries about the future on the way home and we ended up sitting in the car for an hour on the drive when we got home. My children are 11, 13 & 16 and we haven't had any major issues, YD gave us more trouble when she was 8-9 years old, I am hoping that she has got it out of her system. As others have also said stand by your boundaries and be firm but fair. Hear them out and then explain calmly why you are taking the stance that you are. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janepie33 Posted January 12, 2010 Share Posted January 12, 2010 I have a 19 year old boy and a 17 year old girl. We haven't had a tough time with our teens, but we have had several difficult moments. Things I found (and still find) helpful. Keep a sense of humour. Lots of cuddles (as said before) Firm boundaries Remember YOU are the adult. Pick you battles (we still have an ongoing 'tidying your room' battle it doesn't bother DD, so I just close the door to shut out the mess. If it bothers me that much, I do the tidying, which she loves, it earns me extra brownie points and she MIGHT unpack the dishwasher in return!). Ignore the bad praise the good (as far as possible) Positive reinforcement - a bit like having a 2 year old again! I agree with spending 1: 1 time with your teens. I used to drive DD to a nice place for a coffee and discuss what what wasn't working and how we could, between us, make things better. I read somewhere that boy are more receptive to discussion when they are occupied with their hands and standing alongside you rather than face to face. I tried this in the kitchen one day. DS and I worked together to make his favourite meal, lines of communication were open and good food was eaten by all. As everyone says, it DOES get better. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alis girls Posted January 12, 2010 Share Posted January 12, 2010 My ES was recently telling mate on the phone "I'm not allowed to do that" I cant remember it was now probably having a proper girlfriend - I was annoyed he was badmouthing me and told him so. we disc it and cleared the air. I think 14 is too young and this day and age er sex rears its ugly head earlier and earlier. Hes aware I was a not so nice teen and why I dont want him to make my mistakes. Hes also been brought up in a church going household so knows the boundaries. He goes to a youth group and the vicars wife has said they can be quite prudish re their parents behaviour. One girl was saying she didnt like her mum when mum had a few drinks. My son did a brillaint imitation of me on my soap box. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
patsylabrador Posted January 12, 2010 Share Posted January 12, 2010 I'm not sure if this helps at all, I've never had much difficulty from my daughter but when any of the boys were getting grumpy I would send them into the garden to chop, dig and burn stuff. The garden was never very pretty but it cheered the boys up and helped shake off bad moods. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nutmeg Posted January 12, 2010 Share Posted January 12, 2010 Agree with all the good advice on here. Mine are 16 and 13 and it can be extremely draining and challenging dealing with the ever changing emotions/conflicts that seem to occur. Once piece of advice I always try to remember is that no matter how awful their behaviour, they NEED you to remain a 'constant' in their life. They are going through such an awful transition, emotionally, physically and hormonally; half the time they dont know whether they're coming or going but what they need to know is that no matter what, YOU will be there for them, loving them unconditionally. Of course this is far easier said than done but when my 16yr was being particularly selfish one day, after she had calmed down, I quietly said to her "This is difficult for me aswell you know, not as difficult as it is for you, but a different difficult. I have never done this before so I am going to make mistakes and do things that you are not going to agree with, you didn't come with a handboook so I have to learn as I go, so how about we muddle through this as best we can and hopefully we will both come out the other end alive and still loving each other? What do you say?" Chickencan, you hit the nail on the head about the transition to secondary school and keeping all lines of communication open, no matter how inconvenient. I think we all deserve a collective pat on the back, it will all come good in the end. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chickencam Posted January 12, 2010 Share Posted January 12, 2010 Thankyou Nutmeg, you have also 'hit the nail on the head' about being the one constant in their lives. This is so true, if you look at things from their point of view pretty much everything changes for them on a regular basis, therefore being consistent and there for them at all times is so important. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seagazer Posted January 12, 2010 Share Posted January 12, 2010 I must say I only said to my OH yesterday that I really miss my walk to school with YS. We used to chat about so many things but now he's at secondary school he goes by himself. I've no problems with him and we do chat a lot its just that I miss those times with no other distractions. They seem to grow up and away so quickly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ain't Nobody Here Posted January 12, 2010 Share Posted January 12, 2010 It's taken a while for me to cotton on that ES (17) doesn't respond to nagging or shouting so I just say what I want him to do/think about and leave before he has a chance to respond negatively. Often, he'll come to me later, obviously having thought about what I've said, and tell me that he's going to do what I asked. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AJuff Posted January 12, 2010 Author Share Posted January 12, 2010 Thank you for all the advice. Cheery to know I'm not alone. Our boudaries are quite firm and very clear, dishes get done when asked as do sheets and towels, laundry etc. It's the attitude I can't bear! DD came home from school in a lovely mood tonight, very chatty and nice. . you never know what her mood will be like when she comes home! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alis girls Posted January 12, 2010 Share Posted January 12, 2010 Always said ES's puberty and my menopause would clash and I was right. Get more hassel off 8yr odl son though. They can be hurtful sometimes and you have to drag things out, what i find is soemthings bugging Es eventually he'll offload usually just before bedtime so he gets to sleep and I lie there brooding all night Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
