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[Omletina Kyckling]

I'm another who never really wanted children. Me and soon to be ex made an unspoken agreement not ot have them. I have never had a maternal urge to have them, and decided that I wouldn't just "have one"because it was seen as the thing to do when I got to a certain age. Also, it sounds silly, but with my psoriasis and arthritis being a genetic thing, I didn't want to pass down my conditions to another generation!! There have been odd times when I've thought "what if?", like now when I'm on my own, but on the whole, I made the right decision for me. I also went through a small patch in my late 30s when I had a wobble and thought what if I'm missing out on my only chance, biological clock and all that, but decided that wasn't a reason to get pregnant!

 

What has astounded me over the years is other people's reactions to my decision. I've never pushed my opinions onto other people but when I've been asked about having children and have said I never wanted them, people can be quite harsh in their reaction, like it's wrong for a woman to not want children, or they assume that I have problems which mean I can't physically have children. I think the expectation of many is that all women want to have babies!!

 

So I can't really give any advice, Tasha, and don't really think anybody can because every individual and couple are different, but I can understand your dilemma. I'm sure you will make the right decision whichever way you go though! I think that one person's comment is true though, you will find people like me without children who could waver either way as to whether they did the right thing, but you would be hard pressed to find a mother who says she wished she hadn't had children!!

[Snoxy]

Great replies from everyone above...

 

My reply is short...

 

I have 4 children...and wouldn't change it for anything

 

Good luck in making your decision

 

just want to add...I don't get help from anyone (my family or DH family)...which is absolutely fine by me...my children are my responsibility and I look after them

[Margalot]

Gosh this is such an interesting thread!

 

I have just turned 40 and have two children, 14yr old girl and 13 yr old boy. I was hell bent on having kids after we got married. and had ED at 25. i was so maternal and loved babies, so found it all so confusing when I found coping with her as a baby so hard, she was a miserable baby always crying, never happy like everyone else 's babies. i was so far removed from the perfect Mum I wanted to be. We then went on to have our son when she was 22 months old, he was a completely different baby really easy so life became normal. BUT... both my children have severe allergies / eczema / asthma so we stopped at 2 kids. Life now? well I wouldnt't say I have regreted having children but I do have really guilty thoughts about what life would have been? dont get me wrong I love my kids to bits but have completely lost my own identity as a person, not me anymore just Mum. My OH feels he is not a good Dad and was never cut out for parenthood. In truth all we discuss is what the kids are up to, I have just been through a minefield with my ED, All I do is worry about them, I feel that all my life and energy is completely sapped up by their lives etc. I also feel that I dont do one thing properly -not there for the kids properly 'cos minds at work - not there at work properly ( we run our own business) because minds on the kids. Maybe its just that I am going through the mill at the moment

 

Take this year it was my 40th so we decided to have a special holiday as a family, last year it was my OH's 40th and we went away together and left the kids with grandparents, we had a wonderful time, but I missed the kids and felt guilty for leaving them. So this year we all went away, supposed to be special but ED moods swings and constant huffs put a dampner on it. we felt the whole time was geared towards what they wanted to do.

Its so tough because no one can give you a crystal ball and show you the options, you only get one life and have to stand by the decisions you make , no rehersal!

 

I hope you can both make the right decision for you.

[patsylabrador]

I also think that if you have a gut-wrenching desire for a baby and think of little else then the time is right, and you will be comfortable with all that follows. If you're not sure if you should have a baby then maybe the time is not right.

 

I didn't have family close by or much of a network of friends and I think that was an advantage, as I was able to make my own decisions without looks and comments from other people. Bringing up children is all about what feels right at the time to you, not what other people think.

 

Good Luck with making your decision.

[Seagazer]

Very interesting thread - I agree with virtually everything (apart from children being 'brats' - sorry I don't like that ).

 

It is such a personal decision, only you and your OH can decide.

 

My first (at the age of 23) baby was a bit of an 'accident' although we had been married for a couple of years by then and I had my 2nd at 27. I thought I was finished then until I had an absolute longing for a 3rd baby when I was 33. I feel absolutely blessed to have had my children and although at times its really, really hard work and stressful it is so rewarding. I have to say that "Ooops, word censored!"ody thought I had a maternal bone in my body but now they know that the children are such a huge part of my life.

 

My SIL had a brilliant social and working life as an expat abroad and never wanted children until she got to her late 30s/40 but then found she couldn't get pregnant. She's now gone through an early menopause and I think she's come to terms with not having children. They still have a great social life and can obviously come and go as they please.

 

I also have a friend who has never, ever wanted children and is perfectly happy with that decision and so she should be. Its all up to the individual.

[sage]

This is my story.

Never wanted kids, snotty smelly thing.

I was quite happy on my own, then in 2000 I met Simon. Wasn't looking for anyone it just kind of happened. Neither of us wanted kids (great I thought). I moved in in 2001, we got married in 2004. Then something happened, about a year after we married my feeling towards having a child started to change. We talked and he was the same. So we started trying. We after several years of trying nothing. Went to GP and to cut a long story short we ended up having IVF. At 39 I was told I only had a 20% chance and a 2 year wait for treatment. After much talking we decided we could afford to pay for 1 cycle. Well all I can say is I'm bl**dy lucky as I got pregnant.

On the 18/10/08 we had my DD.

Your life will never be the same, you will be perminantly knackered, you worry constantly, you are skint, your house will be a total tip but it's the best thing in the world.

I love been a Mum it's the best feeling every day something new happens, I want to tell the world she is mine I'm so proud of her.

 

Good luck in whatever you decide to do, only you can make that decission.

 

Sage

[MammaT]

Well, what a great thread.

 

I'll be brief(ish). Had two children with my partner, we split up and about 3 years after that I met someone else and had another child. Unfortunately, it was an abusive relationship and we ended up leaving on the school run one morning and never going back (my house, my things etc). We spent over a year in a refuge in a town 75miles from where we'd originally lived. It was traumatic for all of us but we came through it and I believe we are as close as we are now because of that experience.

 

I'm now engaged to my original partner who was amazingly supportive of all of us throughout and re-located so that he could be on-hand for the children. We are finally settled, it's been a long process, involving counselling for my oldest two and court cases etc but what wonderful children they are. My oldest son is 15, my daughter is 13 and my youngest now 8. Two are at grammar school, my youngest is excelling at school too. I'm very proud of them and always have been, they are grounded, cheerful and sensitive individuals. I have been through some very dark times, but never caused by my children, mostly due to my own stupidity.

 

I have always been terrified of the 'next stage' of their development, ie after the pregnancy, then the terrible twos, then school, then teens - and it's never been that bad (not counting my chickens as 2 very young teens may well be on the brink of wreaking havoc). I've always had strict rules as then the children always know their boundaries.

 

Money will always be tight as they grow so fast and are never as careful with shoes etc as we'd like them to be BUT nothing beats the morning cuddles in bed with a cuppa before we start fighting for the bathroom or my 15 yr old's "Mum, give me a hug?"

 

It's a personal decision but if you decide "yes" be prepared for the fact that you're life goes off at unexpected tangents and you will often feel out of control. You'll be years drinking lukewarm tea/coffee and hot baths go out of the window as there's always at least one extra in there with you! In truth, other mothers are not better at it than you - we're all feeling around in the dark - don't expect it to be 'perfect' all of the time but don't beat yourself up on bad days - think of those times as an opportunity to curl up with them at the end of the day for an extra special hug.

 

And, equally, if it's a "no" - that's what's best for you. There are no right or wrong answers on this one!!!

[Redwing]

Wow what a great response, thank you all so much for being so generous in your replies

 

Lots to fully read and consider there

[Snoxy]

Tasha...it wont take you long to read my reply!

[Redwing]

good points well made

[Snoxy]

I take my hat off to all those people who left comprehensive answers

[chickencam]

The differing views on this thread show what an individual descision having children really is, best of luck with whatever you decide.

 

We don't really have friends, neither do both sets of parents, we get on with people, work colleagues etc, but we are a very insular family. We have a great respectful and friendly relationship with our children and hope that this will continue as they move on in their lives. Having our children has brought real purpose and direction to our lives, we were drifting until we had them.

 

I however, have an aunt and uncle who have no children and they have travelled the world and have a very fulfilled life.

[bronze]

I have 4 and love them. Not into other peoples children. Well that sums me up

 

I just wanted to add a thought. We look to the future and wonder if we could carry on our careers etc. when children come into the equation nothing is ever predictable. You may find you don't mind, you may find it horrible. I don't think you can predict that now. I thought lack of sleep would kill me, it doesnt actually bother me but I find that not being able to go for a long walk for the day does, I had never considered it.

In a more extreme way someone I know decided to have a baby. They had discussed it and she was going to carry on her career. A wonderful pregnancy ended in a traumatic birth with her daughter ending up brain damaged. Her husband also has a degenerative disease and they have gone from a two income couple to a no income family.

I know we can't predict what life will throw at us but with children it is magnified and worth remembering

[Chucky Mama]

I'm not a good Mum and was never cut out to be.

Don't put yourself down Janty. You do your best and that's all anyone can ask. You are a good parent but I also know from experience that it doesn't always feel that way.

p.s we all want to know what happened at your son's open day

[Willow]

Hi Tasha,

Not sure if all the differing views will help or hinter making a decision

 

I've always loved children and am a little sad that I could only have two. When friends have new babies they know I'll always want a cuddle. My boys are are the best thing I ever did and I don't know what I'm going to do when they leave home If it was just me I'd probably look into fostering at that point but I know OH wouldn't want to do that.

 

I have managed to have a career as well, it's not been easy and there is no doubt I would be significantly more senior if I had not had children and made some of the compromises in my career along the way to get a better work life balance but I don't regret that. I actually felt I was more focussed at work and did a better job after I had children.

 

I didn't have local family or friends with children when I had mine, I used a nursery that was used by other professionals and made some lifelong friends. The other mothers using the nursery were juggling children and work so we were each others support mechanism particularly when our children started school and we had holidays to worry about. I was lucky enough to have family that could and did have my boys at the w/e if I needed help but especially now I feel like I'm doing grandparents a favour by 'loaning' them my boys as I'd really prefer to have them around. They are at an age where they are so little work it's hard to remember how much work it was when they were little. Babies and sleepless nights are tough. I remember being decidedly cranky at work on occasion when I'd had very little sleep and and two minor dings in the car when they were babies because I wasn't alert enough.

 

I respect the right of anyone who doesn't want to have children not to have to justify that decision and try very hard not to ask childless people when they are going to have a baby. I've not met many on the forum but have met Lydia and can say she is a lovely warm kind person who is smart enough to understand herself and not be influenced by what other people think she should do and I admire that strength of character.

 

Whatever any of us say only you will know what is right for you. If you want children you find a way to make the practicalities work but you should only have them if you want to, not because anyone makes you feel you should.

 

Good luck with your decision.

[MarkBevBen]

What an interesting thread, thanks for starting it Tasha!

 

I really think it's a very personal decision for everyone and no two situations are the same, you've got to work out what's best for you and your individual circumstances.

 

We've got no plans for having children. I absolutely love my job as a paediatric nurse and we have children in our lives from family and friends, but I just don't have this urge to breed our own!

 

Possibly things I've seen through work have also put me off too - such as when things go terribly wrong

 

We have a lovely life and are very happy, got our dog Ben and now our girls too so that's our little family

 

Wishing you all the best with your decision Tasha.

[Old Speckled Hen]

I'm sorry but why on earth do you need anybody else's opinion on why YOU should start a family and five pages of other couple's experiences?

Yes/No Yes/No for those five pages?

What do you really feel? Because that is what it really comes down to.

Sorry again............ I'll run away and hide

[Valkyrie]

You are right - it's all very well but it is indeed a decision only Redders and her OH can make. No need to hide OSH - besides we can always find you Mwa ha haaaaaaaaaaaaa (in evil tone whilst rubbing hands together).

[Redwing]

I'm sorry but why on earth do you need anybody else's opinion on why YOU should start a family and five pages of other couple's experiences?

Yes/No Yes/No for those five pages?

What do you really feel? Because that is what it really comes down to.

Sorry again............ I'll run away and hide

 

Thats pretty harsh

 

I dont NEED five pages of answers but I have really appreciated knowing how other people felt before having children and knowing that my worries are quite normal

 

I dont think anyone relies on a forum to make a life changing decision but that doesnt mean that I am not interested to hear other peoples experiences and take some useful nuggets of information from them!

[Willow]

I dont think anyone relies on a forum to make a life changing decision but that doesnt mean that I am not interested to hear other peoples experiences and take some useful nuggets of information from them!

 

Well said Tasha, I don't think any replies here will make your decision any easier but some will give more points to ponder when making your decision. People often discuss this type of thing with friends to help them see all sides and that's just what you are doing here.

[Valkyrie]

Awww Redders, I don't think it was meant quite like that - I interpreted it differently. But yes you'd make a nice mum - you are very caring person, and whatever you decide, thats a wonderful quality to have.

[Aunty e]

The worries are all normal, everybody has them - I'm still worried now that a second baby is a bad idea, and it's far too late for me to change my mind!

[Redwing]

The worries are all normal, everybody has them - I'm still worried now that a second baby is a bad idea, and it's far too late for me to change my mind!

 

yes you are pretty stuck there

[Old Speckled Hen]

I'm sorry I didn't mean to be harsh. It wasn't intended. I don't know you so I apologise for being generalistic.

I suspect you knew the answer really before you posted. You are me a few years ago and I went with my heart.

Once again, sorry Redwing.

[Ms Marple]

Brilliant thread, I have really enjoyed reading through the posts. There is never a right time (to me anyway), there will always be 'something'. I didn't set out to have kids, we just set out to be together and still are(30yrs). The boys 'appeared'- if only it were that simple!! They are now 18 and 22. My 22 yr old is like a best friend, my 18 yr isn't (yet) but neither was his brother at that age.

If it feels right now then just do it. You will always have something more to worry about with children - that is the nature of the beast called parenthood. I love the fact that my parents still worry about me now (I'm 50) it means they don't notice when I am concerned about them - not sure if that makes sense it does to me.

I respect the views of those who chose not to have them, thankfully enough of you do or I would be out of a job

With my scientific head on, it is the only way to produce something that is uniquely from both of you- never naturally replicated!!!! It can be disconcerting at times to see your own bad habits/traits coming back at you!!

Good luck with your choice- making Tasha. You are obviously caring by nature or you would not have chosen the route that you have with your animals. At the end of the day aren't you just a tiny bit curious??