Used Omlet outdoor rabbit run Width 2.2m Height 2.05m Length 3.1m vgc.

[Redwing]

Having moved two years ago to a lovely safe rural neighbourhood with excellent schools my husband and I are beginning to reflect on our 'no kids' decision made about ten years ago

 

I worry a lot about the prospect of having children, I worry about the mortgage, the childcare costs, the fact that we wont be able to cope, the lack of sleep, the fact that we may be stressed and argue a lot, the emergency situations where a child is ill and I cant find a minder, my career going down the tubes, not being able to be free to do stuff on the spur of the moment, worried that I will turn in to a child bore who only talks about catchment areas...

 

I dont have a network of friends in my new area and no close by family to help support me with childcare

 

I could go on - in short I worry a LOT

 

A couple of conversations with a friend recently has opened my eyes that it would be a hugely satisfying, rewarding and interesting experience and hearing him speak about his own children with such love and enthusiasm I am beginning to wonder if I should start a family before its too late and if there never is going to be a 'right time' where I will have the 'right' mortgage, salary etc..

 

Some real life experiences and advice would be much appreciated!

[The Dogmother]

It's a very good idea to be thinking it over as you are.

 

From my viewpoint, both scenarios you have painted are valid, and how you see it yourself is largely dependent on your mindset and the slant that you put on the situation.

 

Yes, parenthood is wonderful, loving and rewarding (most of the time anyway ) but the other points that you made are also valid - whether they are perceived as negatives or not is down to your mindset, attitude and interpretation.

 

I live quite a way from my folks, so had little input from them too, as you know, I have brought Rosie up on my own, so my career isn't what it might have been and there have been some enormous sacrifices made along the way. Having said that. I have never been one to be bothered by status and belongings so, as long as I have been able to keep our heads above water and a roof over our heads, it hasn't mattered too much, but it has been a close-run thing at times.

 

If you ponder too long about being able to afford it, I don't think anyone would have children. Sooo if you think that you can manage it, along with your animal commitments, poultry shows, mortgage etc, then go for it, but first examine your reasons for wanting to have children and your attitude to all things mentioned above.

 

As I said yesterday to a newly pregnant colleague.... you won't go to the loo on your own again for the next 5 years, and you never catch up on that lost sleep!

[Chucky Mama]

Having children for me is the most hugely satisfying, glorious, scary, worrying, enormous mix of emotions imaginable. It is true that you have to have a stable relationship as it can put a strain on a relationship that is already rocky. Babies do not fix things in my opinion. I never analysed the cons really other than ensuring that we could afford to maintain a home on 1 wage. We did this before we bought our house as we planned on me being a stay at home mother. I don't believe that you can continue as you always have when you have children. It is rubbish to say 'oh, the child will have to fit in'. You can make a child 'fit in' but I think it is both inappropriate to drag your child along to adult things and it is also exhausting.

I don't have family close by and had no friends close by either when I had my first child. You do get to know other mothers once you are a parent though and you tend to support each other.

I think that you have to decide how you can work your home/work balance when you have children. Perhaps a nanny or au pair would work for you. Do you want someone in your house? It may solve the issue of worrying about childcare.

Life is a worry but you are a naturally caring and nurturing person and I think that if you choose to, you would be a fantastic mother

[Happy chickens!]

You are right - there is definitely no 'right' time to start a family. I became pregnant unexpectedly in my mid-twenties, as a committed career girl who vaguely thought she would have children 'one day' I was horrifed, but decided fate was fate; fate then dealt me a cruel hand and I lost my baby girl when I was 6 months pregnant. After that the hormones kicked in big time and I needed a family - and I have two wonderful teenage boys now with no regrets for the career that might have been. My life has been enriched in so many ways by having the children; if things had turned out diferently I might be just like you in my forties (Sorry don't know your age!) thinking should I.....?

 

My sister had her little girl in her late thirties after we all thought she would never get around to it, and she is very very happy indeed - and still has her career; like you she has no close family nearby (we're nearly 200 miles away ), but has managed beatifully with some lovely childminders and support from her partner.

 

Equally there are many people who are very happy without children.

 

It's a tough decision to make - but you will make the right one for you.

[C&T]

My advice, for what it's worth, is only you and your OH can decide if it is something that you want. It is not for everybody - you made a decision 10 years ago for a reason, but of course that doesn't mean that things don't change. There are loads of "What If's" - you could go on forever trying to list them. Ultimately, it's up to you both whether you are prepared to accept those challenges.

 

Oh, and I don't think there ever is a "right" time - otherwise you might still be waiting for it when you are 95, in a rocking chair, blanket over your knees, in a home by the sea!

 

Good luck with a big decision.

[The Dogmother]

One thing I would add (why do I always think of things after posting?)

 

Is that it is different when they are your own... all my friends had children in their 20s - I was travelling. I looked after a friend's 3 boys on and off for 3 years and loved it to bits. I was 35 when I had Rosie and the one thing that irked me was not being able to pick up the car keys and drive off when I needed to.

 

Each stage is both wonderful and fraught with concerns. On balance, it has been the best thing that ever happened to me.

[Tiggy]

There is no 'right time' to have a baby if you analyse it too much you may not take the plunge, if its what you really want, then you are being sensible weighing up your options.

 

Many people are very happy without children it has lots of advantages, I have a very full life, although a few years ago I did feel like an alien when everyone around me was getting pregnant.

 

Being childless has left a huge hole in my life, I have 2 beautiful step children that I love dearly but they will always be someone elses children. There will never be a right time to have a family and as time marches on you need to make the decision that is right for you, before its made for you Life & circumstances prevented me from trying for a baby until I was in my 30s & by then it was too late, however many women are lucky & get pregnant in 30s & 40s I hope all goes well no matter what your decision.

[Lydia]

We made a similar decision 16 years ago except we went one stage further and hubby had the snip nearly 10 years ago - it was a sort of wedding present to each other at the time

 

We made the decision because, quite simply, neither of us had strong maternal/paternal feelings. He has never waivered over the years at all. I have waivered on occasions but only very fleetingly (stupid hormones). Ultimately, for us, it is the right decision.

 

I think he would make a better dad than he thinks but I would be a truly terrible mum because I am just too selfish. What's often said to me is that I can't be selfish because I have animals. However, animals don't require my attention 24/7 and I am very much in control of how much time I spend with them. Yes they need care but they do not need a babysitter.

 

For me I would definitely miss the 'me' time, the personal space and the fact that I can things when I want, how I want. I would find that very limiting and I think I would be miserable. For example if we don't want to eat until 9pm, we don't have to. If we want to go out, we just go out. If we want to book a holiday without much notice, we can.

 

Personally I don't feel at all unfulfilled by not breeding. I have a great life, hubby and I have a great relationship and we have great friends, both with children and without. I very much enjoy spending time with my niece and nephew and our friends' children but I also very much enjoy giving them back and returning to my simpler life

 

As someone else on here already mentioned: you made the no kids decision for a reason and only you and your husband know what that was and know whether you want to change it now. I wish you all the best with whatever you decide.

[meezers]

I doubt very few people can afford to have children ' on paper', if we worked out the cost beforehand the human race would be extinct but once they arrive, you somehow manage.Yes, there are sacrifices to make ( I would love to holiday abroad every year, but we save hard to manage once every two years- and think ourselves lucky).

What I would say though is that couples who choose to be childless probably live happy fulfilling lives with few/no regrets, but ask a couple with kids if they'd choose to be childfree if they could go back in time, I doubt any would say yes

[The Dogmother]

 

I asked a colleague just now how he felt about having had children, he advises having one of those living baby dolls which cries etc when it needs tending, and emptying the contents of your purse/wallet onto the supermarket or chemist cash desk

[craftyhunnypie]

Just make sure you really do want this. I have decided no children & so has my hubby. We simply don't like them!

It's not the financial side or career loss that would worry us. It's the fact that we would not want to bring a child into this awful generation of society. We also would never give up our lives & what we want to do for some child. Many of which are very ungrateful.

It's safer for us not to have children, as I think we would both want to throttle them!

 

Emma.x

[Chickendoodle]

I have never ever regretted having my girls and it has been the most fulfilling thing in my life. I love them absolutely and in a way you can't love anyone else. I happily sacrificed a promising career to give them my time.

 

My DS never had children, never wanted them and is equally happy with her decision. She has had an extremely successful and lucrative career, travels the world at will and has complete freedom.

 

Having children is all encompassing - my girls are adults now and I still worry about them. When you have children I dont think you are ever really free from worry, are they happy, are they ill. are they wearing their seatbelts, going out with unsuitable people, eating properly..........

 

I made the right decision and so did my DS !

[Egluntyne]

I'd say go for it. There is a solution for every problem, and even though you decided 10 years ago not to have children, as your relationship matures, you begin to see things differently.

 

I moved away from my home town and had no help or support, but managed, and you never know, you might find that school catchment areas will become the most fascinating subject imaginable. I know the topic was never far from my lips at one time.

[Cinnamon]

Having children is quite simply the greatest thing that has happened in my life.

I know I moan about them, & often ask for advice here,but they truly are my best friends (along with himself!)

 

There are worries & considerations,but you are a kind,sensible & patient woman & I think you will be a great mum

 

BTW Craftyhunnypie - the ONLY children I like or have ever liked are my own

[Griffin]

 

BTW Craftyhunnypie - the ONLY children I like or have ever liked are my own

Snap! I can't stand to be around other peoples children I wasn't maternal at all, never played with dolls as a child, had no small children in the family, never thought about having children at all but the second I found out that I was rather surprisingly pregnant there was never any doubt in my mind as to what I'd do. Infact I'm sure the first time I ever held a baby was when I first held my daughter in my arms! I didn't really know what to do with her but we're only animals and I guess instinct takes over.

 

The love I feel for my children is without comparison. They're amazing people, my best friends and I feel very blessed to have them.

[whoopsie]

Having wanted children for as long as I can remember it's taken me until i'm 35 and 'running out of time' to decide i'd better get on with it. Coupled with never being in a secure relationship until now (at least I hope so!) i've now found out I might not be able to and have started what may be a long road of investigations and fertility treatment. Hopefully it will work. There comes a point where being everyone's 'auntie' just isn't enough, though adoption and fostering have not been ruled out.

 

If you have decided you want children then don't wait, there is no 'right' time and like has been said before, 'on paper' you can't ever afford it.

 

My advice would be to join the NCT and get to know some of the other parents in your area. I have been involved as a volunteer for several years and have gained what I hope are valuable insights into having a family, as well as building up an amazing network of close friends who are delighted I am 'trying' and are with me all the way. As for all the worries, I get a lot of reassurance that it all works out somehow, there's no such thing as the perfect parent and a cuppa/cake/shoulder to cry on can fix most things.

 

It's been really useful to see the less erm 'social' side of parenting too, and have decided it's not all that bad - the rewards seem to shine over the misfortunes!

 

Good luck whatever you decide.

[Janty]

I never wanted children. My lad was a broody blip and much as I love him, I'm not a good Mum and was never cut out to be. New hubby is very understanding and although we talked endlessly about the subject of me not wanting children before we got married, I know that he has broody moments. I just couldn't face it again. I don't like babies or toddlers and my son would hate a sibling now. All in all, this house is a baby free zone now.

 

However, only you know how you're feeling and only you (as a couple) can make that decision.

[chicken bark]

I can't stand children but I adore my own.

 

I had 3 children close together in my thirties. My career was going well at the time but I was not particularly ambitious.

 

All I can say is that children completely change your outlook on life. I have no interest in a career now - a job would be just to earn money. They completely dominate my life, I have much less quality sleep, they have caused depression (PND) and yet if I was younger, and my body could take it, I would have another.

 

I made it clear from the start with my husband that I wanted to share the work 50/50 and more or less that is how it has worked out. I do not feel a natural mother and constantly think there are things I should be doing better but I also know I have never regretted having them.

[laurmurf]

I recognise every pro and con on your list, Tasha.

 

My intial reasons for not wanting children (and yes, despite having 4 now there was a time when i really didn't want ANY) was that i'd had a rotten upbringing and didn't want to inflict any of the damage that i'd received on anyone else. Then the hormones did kick in and i was a seriously broody chook! (i don't think hanging me from a tree would have worked )

 

4 children on I would say that i am a better person for having them, i've learned so much from having them and i love them like i never would have imagined.... You will also meet some amazing people who are going on the same journey as you and you will support each other through nappies and university fees.

 

However: the long term damage to some relationships can't be healed (can you say to someone 'hold on for 18 years until i have time and energy enough to make a fuss of you too'?) and long term damage to finances can't be healed (i suffer from house envy of those less fecund friends and do believe I will also suffer from pension-envy when that time arises! It was my choice to work part time though).

 

I think in your situation the fact that you are the major bread-winner and transporter would need to be considered and a back up plan for your OH to learn to drive and, perhaps, to be able to work part time occasionally factored in. Make sure it is a jointly agreed on step: the tension will be very high at times and you will need to know it was both of you who wanted this.

 

Would I do it all again? In a heartbeat and I'd start even earlier because i wouldn't want to waste a minute...and I still feel broody and wonder why i didn't go ahead and have number 5... and 6 when i wanted to! I'm with Egluntyne, go for it: you'd be a lovely mum!

[Valkyrie]

Redders! Wash your mouth out with soap! Are you CRAZY???? If you want to know what it's like you can always borrow DD long term of course. If that doesn't put you off you I'll send the boy up to you for a holiday (I think a week is more than enough)!

But if you do indeed lose your marbles, then you must agree between you and OH to back each other up when the little darlings misbehave which was always a constant bugbear with me - and still continues to be. Otherwise they will know full well who is the easy pushover. In my brothers case he only has one daughter almost 2 and she knows exactly how to play her mother - who is (in my opinion) a wet week and needs to toughen up - for her own sake. She might be a baby, but she's a stubborn, wilful little madam. Er, just like my daughter - she refused to be spoon fed unless she was holding the spoon (and that was at 5 months old!!!) - and she didn't miss her mouth when she had the spoon either. I suppose the females in this family know where our mouths are from a very early age! My mum has a photo of me eating stale bread put aside for the birds and I have it in my mouth - not much older than DD at the time! Did I have teeth? No, but that didn't stop me scoffing it all.

Oh and your friend will be able to say how marvellous etc - he's a man and who's looking after the kiddies at the moment? Eh? Eh? Although one of my male friends was a stay at home dad for several years - his boys are lovely and there's no sibling rivalry like we have in this household! I'm quite jealous of him. And yes you'd make a lovely mum. There's never a right time. If you waited it might never come. A friend of mine wanted so badly to have children - her OH kept putting it off for 15 years before leaving her - and now she's going through early meno so she can't have any even if she found the right man tomorrow. So, tis up to you and OH. And you really need to discuss it with him. If he doesn't, and you still go ahead it could mean trouble in years to come. And now I'm waffling. Better stop.

[C&T]

Having wanted children for as long as I can remember it's taken me until i'm 35 and 'running out of time' to decide i'd better get on with it. Coupled with never being in a secure relationship until now (at least I hope so!) i've now found out I might not be able to and have started what may be a long road of investigations and fertility treatment. Hopefully it will work. There comes a point where being everyone's 'auntie' just isn't enough, though adoption and fostering have not been ruled out.

 

 

We spend so much energy trying to avoid being pregnant, we don't always realise that getting pregnant is not always that easy. It might take just the once, but if like us also, you need to rely on fertility treatment, it can take years.

 

So if you do decide you want children, take into account that it doesn't automatically mean 9 months later you will have a baby in your arms, and it can be a stressful journey in it's own right. That doesn't mean it's not worth it - or at least I hope one day it will be for both us and Whoopsie!

 

I am sure you and your OH will make the right decision for you, and despite me answering to your thread, don't let anyone else tell you what to do!

[Minnie&Moose]

We have only one child, now 10, and my only regret was that we haven't been able to have a second child - no obvious reasons why (other than my age and a stressful working life). I've managed to continue full-time in a very competitive and time-consuming career - this was part of the deal with my partner, who understood from the beginning that he would need to take a full and active role in parenting, and which he has never reneged on (though let's not talk about laundry and general tidying and sorting out alternate childcare when necessary ). I even manage to do short periods of fieldwork in rural Africa most years, an important part of my job. It's not always been easy, I've had periods of exhaustion and frustration along the way, but I can honestly say it's been the most satisfying and challenging thing I've done so far and I would do it all over again, even knowing what I now know. While I recognise having children is not for everyone, and I would never want to suggest it's something that people should feel pressured into doing against their will, in my experience it is certainly possible to combine it with a career (time management and general organisational skills are essential - think plan A, B, C and D when arranging childcare because plan A & B almost invariably get messed up by someone else ). And sometimes you find, without ever really expecting or anticipating it, that your own wants, needs and priorities change so that you don't resent organising things to suit your child (at least not all of the time ).

 

Good Luck with whatever you decide.

[chickencam]

I was not maternal at all until my mid twenties and then I was siezed by broodiness. I have 3 children and I have to say that my life is so much better now than at any other point (they are teens now and we can nip out without them etc which is a bonus).

 

I had an odd fairly loveless childhood and a brother who died when I was 8 years old, my parents went too far in not molly codling me after he died. I wasn't sure if I would be able to love my children properly. Silly me I adore them and there have always been lots of cuddles in this house . The early years were hard, because we have no local family and very few friends, but we have managed and become stronger as a result.

 

I would say that I have learnt a lot from having children, I have become more confident and definitely happier. I would look at it like a change of career, it is not an end but a new beginning.

 

I have been tempted in recent years to have a 4th child, but for various reasons it would not have made sense, my OH still mentions it sometimes. You and your husband are the only people who can make this descision and you need to be very sure of your change of heart, but it may well be that this is your right time.

[craftyhunnypie]

I'm 36 on Friday & very very happy to not have children. I cringe at the very thought of them. I am not alone as my sister in law also thinks they are vile creatures! A baby / brat would not be accepted by me, my hubby or my sister in law.

There must be other women who feel the same as me?

I did want to start a club once for women who never want children. As it seems that everyone expects you to have children no matter where you go...Aerobics class, diet class, knitting club, on holiday with the locals..blah blah. Yoo hoo ..hello! It is perfectly normal to be childless you know!

 

Emma.x

[Valkyrie]

Well that sounds a bit harsh, but I didn't want children. I don't think of them as brats (even if some display that attitude and then it's down to the parents inability to sort them out). After all somebody's child is your doctor, dentist, optician, serves you at the shops etc. OH said it was the only reason we got married. I thought it was for other reasons, but I backed down. Don't really regret having them - overall it's been fun, but it's had it's bad times too. Mainly it did make me take a couple of steps back and see OH more as a selfish twit - a trait which he has constantly shown from that moment on.