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The Dogmother

Animal school reports

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A thread on another forum has tickled me - what would your animals' school reports be if they had one?

 

Ruby (lurcher): An intelligent and sensitive child who learns quickly and is driven by food-based rewards. She will make friends more quickly if she'd only learn to slow down and not bounce all over them. Ruby is an affectionate student who will tell you when she wants down time.

 

Cyrus (Lurcher): We have been searching for evidence of brain cells, but not found any yet. Cyrus is loving and playful now that he has settled in to the class and is tremendously attached to his teacher, but is far too easily distracted and doesn't seem to be able to manage even the most basic of commands. We are considering referral for a brain donation.

 

And not wanting to miss out the cats....

 

Georgie: Sensitive to the extreme, Georgie suffers from the same missing brain syndrome as her brother Cyrus. Timid and scared of her own shadow, Georgie has trouble holding more than one thought in her brain. If only she'd learn to eat indoors, she would make new friends.

 

Biscuit: A lovable student who is larger than most in his class, he is always the first in the dinner queue. I can't help but feel that he'd learn more in his lessons is only he'd stay awake. Far too outgoing and always straying into other classes looking for food and somewhere warm to sleep.

 

There are far too many chickens to write reports for!

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:lol::lol::lol:

 

George ("Ooops, word censored!"zu x Westie) is a bright student and will learn things quickly but can be lazy. If left to his own devices he would snooze on the sofa all day. He is well behaved but easily led by others and will often follow friends blindly never minding the consequences.

If George would overcome his delisions of grandeur and come off his princely throne occasionally and mix with us mere mortals a bit more he could have a bright future!

:lol:

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Riley is a very laidback student who makes friends easily. He should understand though that his (friendly) warning growls to youngsters who slobber all over his face have no effect whatsoever. He has matured into a sensible individual but needs to learn that there is no need to bark when his family comes into the house. Save this for people you don't want in your house. Although Riley is a very sensible eater and is in no way greedy, it would be preferable if he didn't eat the food he occasionally regurgitates :vom: . His bed-making and cushion-rearranging skills are coming along a treat - an A* student :clap: .

 

Riley is rather accident prone however and it's a miracle he's made it into the final year of education :roll: .

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Sandy - ginger tom - Sandy is endearing and loving however he does not seem to understand the "no" word and whenyou tell him "no dont sit on my knee/ head/feet " or "no dont slobber down my bra" - he happily does just that. He is a confident mouser - he will do well whatever career path he takes.

 

Honey - tubby tabby - Honey is slightly schizo - she changes from loving to bitey in a matter of seconds. She has worked hard to lose weight this year - thus avoiding fat cat camp. Her mousing skills have improved. She needs to remember she is a cat and eating out of human bowls is not a habit to be encouraged.

 

Maggie May (hen) - MM has settled in well, shes an eggcellent layer and a bit of a tart and likes nothing more than a cuddle and a mealworm. She is a flirt and needs to use this to further her career path.

 

Jez (hen) this lass keeps herself to herself - she is not sociable and would be suited to a career where she likes her own company. She would do well to pick up flirting tips from MM.

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Wellington, tabby:

Always well-groomed and polite, Wellington needs to overcome his fear of strangers. When with people he knows, Wellington is friendly and talkative, but perhaps needs to remember that his food is in those bowls on the floor in the kitchen, and not on the table. His frequent gifts of mice are much appreciated, but in future please note that live mice should not be released within the house as it causes a lot of work for the teacher.

 

Mousing A* Eating A* Sleeping A* Purring A*

 

Claudette, black-and-white moggy:

Claudette is extremely friendly, and her confident approach to both strangers and chickens is gratifying. Unfortunately however her tendency to lash out at anyone who strokes her is winning her few friends, and has caused the school to review its health and safety policy. She does not play well with others, and her bad language is to be deplored.

 

Mousing C - could try harder Eating A Sleeping A* Purring A*

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Kirby - oldest in the class, quite a refined cat. Excellent mouser and very cleverly leaves them outside for me to admire. Has a broken purr and is much happier now the children are older. No running, jumping, scratching or biting from this gentleman.

 

Samus - middle student with mild learning difficulties. You are not allowed in my bed, you are not allowed on the washing when I am trying to iron it, you are not allowed to stay in over night. You never catch anything and I wouldn't be surprised to see moss growing on your fur as you have no physical inclination whatsoever.

 

Link - baby of the class, affectionately known as Stinky and occasionally not so affectionately! Tends to pick fights with Samus and likes to lie in wait for him to chase him out of the garden, admittedly this is probably the only physical exercise that Samus gets. Can be affectionate one minute and Link the Ripper the next. Best handled with gauntlets and please stop trying to bring dead things in the house. I have to admit when you killed the magpie that was bigger than you it was kind of impressive - right up until you bought it into the house!

 

Overall a lovely class, but some challenging students depending on their mood :wink: wouldn't be without any of them :D

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A confident and outgoing student, Tango has settled into her new class well, making friends easily. In the classroom, she listens well, learns quickly and is proving to be a capable student. However, it must be noted that during field trips, Tango will often become distracted by fellow students and finds it difficult to apply her classroom learning. Tango excels at Domestic Science and is always keen to sample the variety of both food and non-food items on offer, in the classroom and out in the field. However this has, on occasion, resulted in a visit to the school medical bay - she would be wise to take advice from her teacher as to what should and should not be eaten. Overall, Tango shows great promise and is a pleasure to have in the class.

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Poppy is a popular student. We wish she would not do graffiti with her paws on the chairs or swipe teachers. We also wish she would wear her gym knickers when doing P.E, as her belly wobble is rather distracting to other pupils.

She has been found many times in the bike shed (coal bunker) with her male friend Socks & has been sent to the headmasters office for causing black pawprints everywhere - yet more graffiti. She is bottom in the mousing class unfortunately, but top in spider & fly catching - also Hair & Beauty.

She is also a teachers pet, loves attention & is generally quiet. We recommended some private tuition in the mousing department, perhaps if she didn't sleep so much & hang around with Socks - she might be able to up her grades.

 

Emma.x

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:lol:

Here are the reports from the Springer Spaniel Class:

Ruby:

Ruby is a very outgoing and enthusiastic student. She makes friends easily and is very eager to please. These are all admirable qualities in moderation, something that Ruby has no concept of - maybe a little less enthusiasm would lead to fewer 'accidents on the carpet'. Ruby could also do with reminding of the lessons on Stranger Danger as her inability to distinguish between friends and strangers and to snog everyone she meets, could lead to her developing an unfavourable reputation. She is very athletic and her prowess at Pheasant Chasing could see her chosen for the County Team, providing she does not let her stupendous appetite get the better of her. Overall a very good report, but does need to work on her concentration.

 

Candy:

Candy is a pleasure to teach. She is attentive and a fast learner, but lacking in confidence. Her behaviour is impeccable the majority of the time, although she appears to have an unfortunate case of Tourettes which is triggered by anyone walking past the house or knocking at the door. At these times she is also prone to bouncing on the furniture and winding up the other students. She does have a good insight into her problems and is always most apologetic afterwards. She is also making good progress at overcoming her eating fads - she is learning that if she doesn't eat her meals straight away, they will be snaffled by the other students. Candy has made excellent progress this term, but should maybe consider a trip to the Vet for some chill pills.

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