Eglu Go With 2m Run For Sale

[surfer_chicken]

Sorry if this all seems a bit teen-drama-y, it seems trivial compared to some of the stuff on here, like marriage break ups. I'm not looking for sympathy or even advice, just listeners, and I know you lot are good at that. And it's a bit of a long story, so sorry...

 

Back in November a friend © and I decided to organise a big holiday for our group of friends (nine of us). It's our last year of school together and most of us are going to university in September so we thought it'd be really nice to go on a trip together and really spend some quality time together, and also get a little independence. It took a lot of time to find a place that would accept a large group of 17-19 year olds, but we eventually found a nice cottage in Norfolk (where I'd been before with family) where we could stay if we paid an extra £200 deposit in case of damage (reasonable we thought), so we booked it in late November, with everyone quickly agreeing who would go, coming to £100 each between the 9 of us.

 

All was basically going well, with just a little stress trying to organise cars and rooms and everything, but we made sure this was done by Easter as we now all have exams coming up (my art exam starts on Wednesday ). Anyway, three weeks ago one of my closest friends (L) talked to me, asking if she could bring her boyfriend (of 3 months) along. I said no because then the house would be overfilled, and we were very grateful to find somewhere that would take us and didn't want to give them a reason to stop offering the house to young people. She wanted to argue over this and eventually said if he couldn't come with us then she would go on a different holiday with him, and if it meant she had to miss the holiday she would. I asked her to let me know as soon as possible. A few days after this she told me they would be staying at a house owned by her boyfriend's grandparents so she would almost definitely not miss the holiday as they could pick whatever week they wanted. On Thursday I checked again as I was trying to organise something else, and she gave me the impression she was going.

 

Anyway, last night she texted me in a really formal, professional tone saying that she wasn't coming on holiday with us as she was going away with her boyfriend. (Along the lines of 'I regret to inform you I cannot attend...' if that gives you an idea of what the message was like). Obviously I was upset, but I spoke to C and we decided it was best to ignore that for the sake of our friendship as we didn't think it was worth risking what has been a wonderful 4 years over this when we only have 5 more months together anyway. However there was an issue with money, L had already paid us £85 of her £100, and we didn't know what we were supposed to do with it. We let the rest of the holiday group vote on it, with the options of 1) full refund, 2) partial refund or 3) no refund. The entire group went for 3. These are some of the reasons:

1) She was choosing not to go on the holiday she'd already agreed to, and people thought that if they couldn't go for unforeseeable reasons (e.g. illness beforehand) they would not expect their money back and they would deserve it a lot more.

2) If she was dealing directly with the owner of the house she would not get a refund at this notice.

3) Some people were not in the position to be able to pay the extra £10 needed to cover her place and we could not get a replacement at this notice without a lot of stress (and exams have already started).

4) If anyone else needed to pull out we would be obliged to pay them back too, and then we would be in a bad position.

5) It doesn't just affect the cost of rent, but the petrol money etc. would be spilt between less people so there are other costs to consider which people did not take into account when they agreed to go.

 

Unfortunately we never considered what we would do if someone pulled out of the holiday so L did not have prior knowledge, and was originally upset when we told her we would not refund her money. However after talking to her rationally about the reasons she seemed to calm down and understand. Throughout this we have checked and double checked every word before we sent it to make

 

Since then she has rang several people up in tears, saying that we (me and C, her closest friends for the past four years) 'hate' her and asking why she can't have her money back. Frankly she has guilt tripped and emotionally blackmailed several people in the past 24 hours and hurt a lot of people close to me (including myself). I'm very socially awkward and do not make friends easily, especially close friends (I've probably had about 3 or 4 close friends in my life and only one best friend so far- cheesy but it's my OH), so I am feeling really hurt to find out she would risk this over money. I've never been comfortable around 'two faced' people as I have always found myself constantly worrying if they are saying/doing what they really mean, and this is exactly what she's been doing in the past few months (done this on minor occasions recently, but this is the only big one). We have tried to talk to her friend to friend, to tell her how she is coming across and how she is hurting people and ignoring the holiday issue, but she has thrown it back in our faces and starting arguing over the holiday again. It's got to the point where a couple of people just don't want to know her any more after seeing what she's really like.

 

I'm really worried now. She's not engaging in rational conversation and C has decided to just hand her the money (paying out her own pocket) and tell L not to talk to her again as she's fed up. L has been a wonderful friend to me for the past 4 years, and I really love her, but I don't think I can look at her in the same way any more, if that makes sense, but at the same time I think this is all over something ridiculous. We're a very tight knit group of friends and I don't think we've had an argument in years as we're all fairly laid back, loyal and trustworthy (not the type to talk behind backs etc), so I am really shook up by all this as I'm not used to it. I just don't know what to do. Part of me just wants to walk away as she doesn't seem like the same person I trusted, but I also don't want to throw away what has been a wonderful friendship over £85!

 

Good to get that off my chest Sorry for the waffling, I just typed.

[patsylabrador]

I'm in my fifties now and the number of times that women I thought were good friends that suddenly took umbrage and went weird is quite large. People do that a lot, I've never understood it and in the end I got bored. Now, I'm happy to be friends with people but I hold back a lot.

Some people love living their lives in a state of high drama, if your friend is one of them, your holiday will be easier without her and her very new boyfriend.

I always used to think I'd done something wrong until my mid-thirties when yet another 'friend' inexplicably stopped talking to me. It struck me as utterly childish.

What I hope for you is that you can put her from your mind and go and have a humdingingly great holiday.

[lillybettybabs]

Well said, I think most people have similar situations in their lives and it won't be the last.

Just stay calm and don't back stab and be determined to go and have a gone holiday.

Could the boyfriend be stirring things?

[pips_pekins]

I agree with what's been said but would also add that you have exams to focus on. This is a stressful enough time without the situation being created by your friend. Perhaps after the exams you will be able to rebuild some form of relationship with her. She might also be using this as a distraction or vent for exam stress. Try not to let it get to you and look forward to getting through the next couple of months and being able to enjoy a great holiday with your friends before you all go off to do new things. Good luck with your exams.

 

Interestingly, no matter how old you are, friendships can break down for the most inexplicable reasons. I had a very close friend who is a few years older than me. Her son lives abroad and during his visit back here we never went to see him as they live some distance away. She has not spoken to me since. At Christmas, I rang her to let her know that my MIL was very ill, (thankfully she seems to be recovering well) but my friend has never bothered to find that out. People can be very strange but have ceased to surprise me and I just get on with my life and enjoy spending time with those that are not so high maintenance.

[Chicken shack]

This is a learning experience. Imagine if you had booked a holiday abroad for hundreds of pounds. I realise you only have limited funds but it could have been a lot worse. I was ill a few days before a booked weekend away with 8 freinds. We were insured for sickness and would have got the money back for all of us but I new they would have been disapointed, they had booked hoiday time off work, so I told them to go without me. They bought me a lovely present back. As others have said you think you really know someone then happens. Concentrate on you exams, look forward to your holiday and don't greive too much for this loss. I would certinally not give her her money back unless I could fill the place.

[The Dogmother]

I agree with PL, I step back a bit these days as I've learned that folks come and go in life, usually for their own reasons and while I'm happy to help out a true friend in need, some are just emotional vampires and best left to it.

 

Enjoy your trip and don't worry about it.

[WitchHazel]

Sorry you've experienced this.

 

If it's any help, your original decision over the deposit was the right one (and she should be pleased that shed didn't have to stump up the balance).

 

And if she had brought her boyfriend (irrespective of whether she'd known him a fem months or a few years), it would have changed the whole dynamic of the holiday.

 

tbh, I know you consider her a good friend, but she wasn't really behaving like a good friend right from the moment she wanted to bring her boyfriend along, was she?

 

Life will throw up situations where tiny problems fester into major things, so this is a good learning. Don't let this experience put you off organising things again, just take the learnings from it. This sort of situation will undoubtably arise in future with other groups of people, not just with holidays but with shared meals, days out, christmas meals with work colleagues... You'll not be put in this position again because you'll know to agree up front that deposits are non refundable and other "what will happen if...." things.

 

Have a great holiday - without her

 

Good luck in your exams

[lillybettybabs]

some are just emotional vampires and best left to it.

Oh yes, there's one in our village!

[pips_pekins]

emotional vampires

 

Excellent phrase and sums it up really. Not heard it before but so true DM.

[Looney]

Very wise words already given here.

 

It is rubbish when situations like this arise as even if you are convinced you are in the right (which I think you are by the way ) you can't help but feel guilty / emotionally torn / hurt about the other person.

 

Money and friends don't always mix and it can get very awkward. I spent a few months in Spain with a (then) bestfriend and her bag and all cash cards were stolen. I lent her money and also paid for things out of my own money e.g. food never expecting her to pay me back and then her parents put money in my account for me to pass on to her whilst she sorted out the situation with her bank. All was fine until she accused me of not passing on all the money to her from her parents - she had lost track of what she had spent. I had kept a note and could show her but she still didn't really believe me and was quite bitter about it. Her parents had also offered to cover the cash withdrawal fee which I had refused but she accused me of making money from them as well. It was all incredibly awkward.

 

I really hope your exams go well and you have a great holiday! xxx

[Seagazer]

What a shame that this has happened. I'm wondering if its the boyfriend behind it if it seems unusual behaviour for your friend.

 

As others have said, this will crop up time and again. There is one woman of my acquaintance who used to talk to me at the club but then completely cut me dead several times. Apparently she's done it to most of the other women there. Silly really, we're all adults. I always make a point of smiling and saying hello. We have to be the bigger people.

 

Good luck in your exams and have a lovely holiday. Don't let it spoil them for you.

[Olly]

I think you've behaved fairly and rationally, and I hope this doesn't spoil what sounds like a great holiday. Patsylabrador sums it up - I have (thankfully only occasionally) had friends whom I thought I knew, who suddenly did a Jekyll-and-Hyde act and behaved in a completely unexpected way, with no obvious reason. The best thing to do is to just walk away from people like this. It's very distressing when this happens, I feel for you - she has probably alienated and upset a lot of people, not just you. It might be exam stress, it might be jealousy of some sort, it might be the new bf - you will never know, but if she can do this once, she can do it again.

 

Good luck with the exams, and have a lovely holiday!

[surfer_chicken]

Thanks for all the kind words and advice. A two of my friends were fed up of how she was acting and gave her a £60 refund today (I was too busy preparing for my exam today so I didn't find out about this until after), mostly brought on by her crying to one of them at lunchtime. She has given a few excuses, which would be reasonable, but I find myself struggling to believe them after her lying previously during this whole situation to get what she wants and also for not mentioning them earlier. She has also written what seemed to be a sincere apology, but again I got the feeling this was not because of how she acted, but the consequences (" Seeing basically none of you today made me realise how much my life revolves you guys all being there, so you do all mean a lot to me"). However she basically ignored me when I saw her today. Plus there has been no reason given for how she has acted, which is the part which upset me, these excuses were all for why she was pulling out of the holiday and why she wanted her money back.

 

I'm going to back off until my exams are over at least, as I don't have the time to spend worrying over this. Maybe after the exams are all finished in 8 weeks we can try to mend bridges but I'm not holding my breath. I know exactly what you mean by emotional vampire and I am beginning to see things she has done in the past differently too. Just got to get through the next two weeks before we go on study (as we share 50% of lessons) and then things should be a little easier.

[Willow]

Some of her odd behaviour may be due to exam stress. I'd give her space and focus on your exams and see how things develop on your friendship when all your exams are over. It's hard but try not to worry too much over this. You acted appropriately. It may be worth giving her back some money just to reduce the drama.

 

You can't change how she behaved. I know that sounds like a silly statement but I think what you're trying to do is puzzle out is a way that doesn't show her to have behaved badly and there is no way of looking at this that does that. All you can do is put it down to exam stress and boyfriend influence and hope she gets over both in time.

 

Good luck with your exams.

[freddie]

As a woman, I feel I can say this

Women are wierd, I dont understand them. As soon as a new male appears, they seem to forget the web that saves that saves them when things go wrong.

You will be part of her web when things go wrong, and she will probably be part of yours in the future.

I do agree with Patsy Lab, she talks sense!!

Have alovely hol with the remaining 20 plus, I fancy miss stroppy will be missing out on a good weekend!!

[chickencam]

People can react strangely to situations from time to time, you are all still young and volatile, friendships come and go, you are all in a very stressfull and transient phase of your lives. I just go with the old adages of treating others how you would like to be treated yourself and not crying over spilt milk.

 

My ED is going through this too at the moment, some of her group are going to Spain after exams and others are going camping. They have been split by finances, passports and personal preferrences, but overall they are all still on good terms and accept that they may lose touch with some and remain friends with others.

 

It is not strange that your best friend is your OH, mine was at your age and he still is, it is far better to have a couple of very close relationships in your life than a crowd of hangers on. In our family we don't have many friends but those that we do have are close and we have a good record for marriage and other close family relationships, which is what ultimately matters.

 

This phase will pass, so focus on yourself and you exams and the rest of life will pan out as it will, best of luck for your future.

[..lay a little egg for me]

What a shame that this "friend" is causing you extra stress at a time when you really don't need it. I agree with everyone else, very good advice. Sadly, when you are 30+ years older you will see that this kind of behaviour is not at all unusual. I think it is very bad that some others have given her a partial refund. It rewards her for using emotional blackmail and will encourage her to do the same thing in future whenever she is not getting what she wants. She has to learn that, in the same way that if she had booked a holiday for herself and changed her mind, she is not due any kind of refund. That is how the world works! It is most unfair of her to expect her friends to pay extra because she is so besotted with her BF that she can't be without him for a few days!

 

Good luck with your exams...focus on them not on this issue because you can always deal with this after you've finished the exams.

x

[CatieB]

It is most unfair of her to expect her friends to pay extra because she is so besotted with her BF that she can't be without him for a few days!

 

Very well said, exactly what I was thinking.... think she must be terribly insecure to not be able to leave him for 5 minutes and has instead caused so much trouble and angst.

 

I agree with everyone above who says that as you grow older you know not to be surprised by behaviour like this. I have to come to the conclusion that no one has the same values, beliefs and make up as yourself so you can never put yourself in their shoes and understand why or how they did something. Nothing as strange as folk as they say!

 

However even though I am much older than you and I still struggle to comprehend and accept such actions from people close to me or who I expect more of. I wish someone could teach me how too

 

Have a fab holiday and remember you will have wonderful holiday memories in many years to come. I doubt she will have such memories from her time with boyfriend who will most likely be a long distance memory. Dont let her spoil your holiday