Part 0800.0005

[Ms Marple]

Sorry, just feeling very self-indulgent and down. I realise that there are people on here facing far bigger issues, but it doesn't stop me from feeling down as OS went back to uni to day and somewhere inside I really hurt.

Sometimes I wish I could rewind the clock back by about 10 years to when they both really needed me rather than me really needing them

Not sure why I am burdening you with this, I guess I am hoping that someone feels a bit like me too. It must get easier at some point. I am even left wondering if my parents still feel like that now..

Thanks for listening

[Egluntyne]

I know just how you feel.

 

You don't realise how precious their childhood days are....till they have gone.

 

Chin up.

[Chook n Boo Mum]

Late at night's the worst time isn't it?

 

My DS is away at boarding school & this is his first term. He's usually really happy & laughing with his friends even when he's supposed to be talking to me. Tonight he wasn't, he sounded very tired and little. He said he's got into trouble a lot, & always by a group of Spanish boys in his dorm. I'm wondering whether to let it ride, or intervene. He's only 11 & still my baby, I hate hearing him sound so down. He even said he wasn't enjoying being there anymore.

 

Am off to bed soon in the hopes I wake up to a happier chappy in the morning - he said he'd ring back then as he was about to tootle off to registration and prayers.

 

We only hurt because we love them so much, and wouldn't the world be a better place if there was a bit more love around? Gosh that's a bit deep & meaningful & I could well get overemotional if I carried on in that vein!

 

Just wanted you to know you aren't alone.....

 

Sha x

[Cinnamon]

This is something I have been thinking about,as although its still a couple of years away for me yet, a few friends have had their children go off to Uni this week, & are saddened by it.

 

Hubby & I have concluded that he will try to slow down work wise when we are on our own here in the house,so we can do more things together - weekends away & so forth.

We are also looking into maybe moving to somewhere with more land so we can live the sort of lifestyle we have only dreamt about for the last few years.

 

It won't be easy when my girls go,but we sure are going to try to fill those 2 empty spaces with things that we have always wanted to do

[Ain't Nobody Here]

Like Cinnamon, I'm a couple of years away from this (boys 16 and 14) but I've also got friends in your situation and have been thinking about it too.

 

I can quite understand how you must be feeling - I'm dreading it .

 

Of course, OH is very sympathetic and tells me I'll just have to get a "proper" full-time job that pays better than a part-time learning assistant .

[Snowy]

I can sympathise, although my two littlies are a way off it yet. But oldest is now 17 and I can see him becming more independant - which is a good thing, but also very sad. I just keep looking at all the mess in the house and telling myself about all the extra time I'll have when I don't need to be cleaning it up all the time! (still dreading it though )

[BeckyBoo]

I wanted to reply to this at work last night as it really tugged at my heart. It's so good to see them becoming more independent, mine are still so little, 3 5 and 7, but even THEN I'm still so aware of time racing on. Smallest boy is at playschool now, only a couple of sessions a week but I already know he's on the path to growing up. Everyone says it and it's so true, it does go SO fast, I'm going to miss mine terribly as they leave life stages behind. At least you know you've helped them on their way in life

 

Mrs B

[alih]

my oldest is 14 and youngest is 5 with 2 in between and I am struck by how quickly it all goes when I see friends with kids a bit older. I don't think there is any way round the sorrow - of course they have no idea! My mum only told me years later how much she cried when I left and i didn't give it a second thought!! Jenni Murray wrote a lovely piece in the Guardian or Observer recently about just this subject....but my husband keeps listing all the things we can do (to which I add "and have MORE chickens") and I do relish the prospect of being able to travel again like I did when younger....chin up Ms Marple

[Lesley]

It does get better - I was a single parent when my eldest left home, I was devastated as we were all so close. I tried to keep busy - went to all the evening classes going.....and gradually it all felt a bit more normal.

 

You have all of us to chat to on the forum

[Karen & co.]

I'm dreading my children leaving home but at least you know that you have done a great job of preparing your son to go out and make his way in the world, safe in the knowledge that you are always there for him

 

A friend gave me a fridge magnet once that I have and it says

 

"Mothers hold their children's hands a while, and their hearts forever" which I think is lovely.

 

Karen x

[Seagazer]

It is hard but you do get used to it. I couldn't be upset leaving her at uni the first time as she was so excited, we came away smiling as she was so happy. There have been times that she has not wanted to go back, she's cried at the train station. That breaks my heart. My daughter is in her 3rd year at uni. She goes to Nottingham Uni, this also coincided with my husband working in Nottingham. We thought of moving but ES was doing his GCSEs and didn't want to move. So I had her away, hubby away all week. The house felt very empty at times. ES is 17 now and often out although not so much now that he is working.

 

Louise is off to France on Tuesday week to work in two french schools as part of her degree, there will be tears (possibly tantrums too ). It will be difficult not to worry about her now as she will be in a totally different country.

 

My YS in in year 6. He's just sat his secondary transfer test and wants to go and come back from school on his own. That is upsetting me - I feel redundant Thankfully he accepts my excuse that the dog needs walking at those times

[Yorkshire Pudding]

My ES is in y5 and also wanting to walk to school without me. Luckily I let him go ahead and then follow with YS (6). Even that little thing is a hurt, so having them leave altogether will be horrendous. ES is already talking about which Uni he'd like to go to!

 

I suppose I should see the positive side though - he is responsible enough to do this alone and feels confident about it. If I didn't allow them each little bit of independence I'd end up with 2 overdependent young men on my hands.

[keyhole kate]

I also sympathise and know just how your feeling

Three of mine 29,27,23, have all flown the coop and

YD is 16 on halloween so not too long before Uni

beckons her too

 

when D 27 went to Uni I missed her so much the house was

unnaturally quiet and especially in the early days when she

was homesick however I consoled myself with the fact she was not

to far away, could drive and so I kept reminding myself if it all got

to much she could come home happily both her

and I got used to it and she now says it was the best time of her life.

 

In contrast when only Son 23 joined the RAF at 18 1/2 I

buckets they night before he reported for basic training OH said he

felt the same even though this was sons childhood

dream I knew no matter how homesick or tough things got he

was not in a position to just come home and he was only

16 miles away from home. Thankfully he made the right choice

and is loving every minute of his dream

 

I found it harder to ajust than with his sister but you do slowly

In alot of was it is amost like going through a grieving process.

 

Take comfort in the knowing that you have done a marvellous job

and have brought them up to be the strong capable individuals they are

and who are confident enough to leave home

 

Trust me before too long you will relish the peace and quiet As now

I think my head will explode when they all come home with the sudden

increase in noise

[Seagazer]

I suppose I should see the positive side though - he is responsible enough to do this alone and feels confident about it. If I didn't allow them each little bit of independence I'd end up with 2 overdependent young men on my hands.

 

I agree with this and YS has done the school run without me a few times. I will admit to standing at the window watching for him Mind you when I saw him ride down the road with no hands on the handlebars I had words

 

We also let him go down to the shop at the bottom of our road - there has to be a balance in life.

[Guest]

Well, I was supposed to be driving DD1 back to university today, but she was really unwell yesterday so we haven't gone. She has been home for 4 months and, to be honest, the rest of us are looking forward to a household without the tension that she brings. So I'm ashamed to admit that I'm a bit disappointed she's still here. She can be very difficult to live with!

[keyhole kate]

Ahmen to that I know just what you mean

[BarbaraJ]

Oh dear , i wish one of mine would leave , even for a short while lol

Mine are DD21 - (at Uni but still at home) DS18 - just got a job after couple years of flitting from one thing to next and DD17 in second year of college.

They make so much mess at that age well the girls do!!

[Guest]

Mess! Indeed! I have two daughters at home because of an INSET and a third because she was too ill to go back to uni. but feeling much better now

 

I have one on crutches (16) so unable to go up and downstairs. Consequently she takes up half the dining room table with her A level stuff. Then DD3 (13) takes up the other half with her H/W to keep DD2 company. No room for me and my work!

 

Meanwhile DD1 (19) is messing up the kitchen and using the sitting room to watch a film simultaneously and I feel like an outcast in my own home. At least DS (10) is at school and I have packed away the wooden railway and road system which he built all over my sitting room.

 

I should go back to the "I want . . ." thread and ask for a Granny annexe of my own (before I'm a Granny!)

[KimmyCustard]

Ginette - think you should ask for the Granny annexe and bung all the kids and their stuff in it, then you can have a tidy house to yourself!

 

I don't have any small ones, OH has two daughters, aged 15 and 11 in October. Youngest step daughter (YSD) is coming with us to the Newbury show tomorrow and we're going to hunt the Omlet stand out and talk chooks for HOURS!

 

My house stays tidy until OH launches himself through the front door then I may as well have kids.

 

Kimmy

x

[Willow]

Mine are 12 and 9 but I must admit I've been fretting a little for the last few years about how much I'll miss them when they leave home I wish I could slow it all down. When I go away for work now (rare these days ) I miss them more than I did when they were little as I miss the conversations and laughter.

[riane]

My OS is off to uni in a few weeks and I am already feeling quite upset about not having him around. He has been away before sometimes for a few weeks but this is different. Its a new phase of our lives and while its a long time until the youngest(who is 3 ) will be flying the nest, our family meals and time together will be different and we will miss him.

[Lisa]

My DS is 17 now and looking at travelling and going to Uni. He is white water rafting this weekend in Wales as a practice for an expedition in India in August 2009. I love his independence and the thought that he has all those experiences to come, but I do love the regular hugs I still get! I love him dearly and only hope that he succeeds in whatever he chooses and is happy and healthy. DD is 15 an taking her GCSEs this coming summer - and I can say ditto to all of the above, although teenage girls and their mums have more clashes that mothers and sons! And they are all messy!!! Clothes, make-up, shoes!!!!

 

I can't wait for them to grow up an experience everything for themselves but selfishly would love to turn back the clock to the cuddles with a 3 and 1 year old on the sofa as my DS was learning to read by reading his very simple books to his sister.

 

I am dreading it and looking forward to it in many ways.

 

When I went to Uni at 30 my friend had a little girl who was six months older than my DD and unexpectedly died at the age of 7. All I can say is appreciate them for the age they are - whatever it is and enjoy anytime you have with them as it is all so precious.

 

Hugs to all with children away from home for whatever reason.

[Ms Marple]

Feeling more upbeat tonight. Thank you for so many comments and replies. You are all right with what you say. My eldest son and I have always talked often late into the night and I have prepared him by explaining how he will have to help me let go gently. I should really be used to this as he went on his gap year 20 months ago - which was very hard but we coped. YS missed him terribly also. Considering they are nearly 4 years apart, they have always been great friends.

 

I am very proud of him, he is independent and has so many strengths that I don't remember having at his age. To be honest my sadness is partly to do with my own guilt at having never really thought about my parents when I was his age. I went to uni and never came back really. I married my OH the week before my graduation. Looking back, my parents were probably devastated, as I am an only child. Hindsight...huh.

 

This forum has surprised me really. A great place to come and talk and listen. thanks you all again.x

[cathybc]

hi Ms Marple, I have not been through this so can't really offer any intelligent help- but thinking of you and so glad you are feeling a bit happier now. Cathy x

[little chickadee]

Glad you're feeling more upbeat about it now. I must admit it's something I try not to think about . I've got quite a while to go (mine are nearly 7 & 9), but the past 9 years have whizzed by so fast I can't believe it. My daughter is incredibly independant and walks to and from the school bus to middle school on her own now. I found this really hard at first, but now just get excited when it gets to 4.10 and know the doorbell is about to go.