Chicken bald back

[Egluntyne]

Oh heck. Don't be blackmailed into more contact if it isn't what you want.

[sparkysmum]

Hello Vicki, this is all too awful for you & I wish things were different. Try to stay strong and not get bogged down if such a thing is possible. Thinking of you Allisonx

[Tessa the Duchess]

I agree, don't be emotionally blackmailed into doing something you don't want. Keep an eye on her.......from a distance. Sending you a big HUG

 

Tessa

[Tiggy]

we are all here for you

[yvonne]

Try not to be at all hard on yourself - easier said than done of course !

 

So many of us seem to have difficulties with mothers; I too had very similar experiences until my mother died last year, I did all I could to be tolerant of her awful outbursts but would be lying if I said I never felt guilty.

 

 

Mostin - I also have never had children for exactly the same reason, you are the first other person I've ever seen say the same. I could not face putting anyone through another bad mother experience (I so hate that "you are turning into your mother" comment - anyone who knows me would never dare say it !!)

 

Anyway, best of luck to all going through the mother problems and try not to feel bad if you just have to walk away, nothing is worth risking your own sanity for !

[freddie]

Just go back to the 8 weeks of peace, and dont go back to the rigmorrole you had before. I haven't had any contact with my (only true blood relative) brother for 1 1/2 yrs, It's been really peaceful. Stick with it, it's like giving up anything, gets easier as time goes on!!

Hugs from down this way!!

[chelsea]

I agree, don't be emotionally blackmailed into doing something you don't want. Keep an eye on her.......from a distance.

 

Tessa

 

I agree, some great advice from the folks on here.

 

I dont want to sound awful but it could be her way of crying out for attention and this could be a way for her to get it from you.

 

Tread carefully and test the water before you go in feet first. You've had a stress free 8 weeks and deservedly so.

 

If she is genuinely physically ill then she should appreciate the care and attention she gets.

 

Take care x

[Ain't Nobody Here]

I have scanned the thread but I can't find the answer, does she have alzheimers or something similar? Or did she just turn out like this one day?

 

Jess, she doesn't have a diagnosis of Alzeimers or dementia. She's just a bitter, lonely, sad, negative old woman with no friends and no interests. She's also aggressive, judgemental, unsympathetic and, at times, racist. Sadly, she's an intelligent, highly educated and well travelled woman who should really know better.

 

So .... who's offering to put her up for a while .

 

~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Thanks, all . Panic over (not that I was bothering to panic ). She's back home.

 

When my brother asked her if I should pop round (when she was having her pains) he got a vehement "NO", so it seems she's still happy to not have any contact.

 

I've decided that if (it's a big if) I see her again, I'm only prepared to do with my brother there. Also, I only want to see her on neutral ground, like in a pub for lunch. She does apparently ask about me but blows hot and cold about phoning me.

 

She'd apparently decided that I'd lost my job because I was "obviously upset" and that's the reason I "had a go at her" during our last conversation (according to her, I ranted at her and she didn't say a thing ).

[Olly]

Stick to it ANH. Whether it's a cry for attention or not makes no odds really - you've made the decision for your sanity and for your family that it's better not to have anything to do with her, or at least have as little to do with her as possible. I hope she gets some help following this episode, but it shouldn't change your resolve. Just because she's ill, she isn't suddenly going to undergo a personality change!

[Ain't Nobody Here]

After talking to a close friend about how I might feel if my mum dies and we are still estranged, I decided to send her a card.

 

All I said was "Sorry to hear you've been in hospital again. You've made it clear that you don't want contact with me but I just want to let you know that I am here if you need any help."

 

I got a call from her this morning (only posted it yesterday afternoon ). I asked if she got my card. She said yes and thanks but made no mention of not having seen or spoken to me for 2 months (or why). She rambled on about her medication and a bit about dad but that was it . I said as little as possible.

 

After about 10 minutes she said bye, I said bye. That was it .

 

Oh well, I made the effort. It's up to her to be in touch again if she wants to.

[Lesley]

It was good that you contacted her V - if the worst was to happen then at least you would be able to live with yourself and know that you'd tried.

 

In her own strange world, she knows that you are there if she needs you and maybe that's comforting to her even though she'll never be able to show it.

 

Well done

[Ain't Nobody Here]

Just another "blog" entry .

 

Phoned my brother to let him know about my card and to see if she volunteered the info to him. She did, saying "I got a very strange card from Vicki". What was strange about it ? She didn't mention that we'd spoken .

 

Also got a call from my cousin. Mum had phoned to ask his advice about selling her house, moving up north to where my brother lives and moving Dad too . Nice of her to mention it to me .

 

Today in the nursing home, a care assistant said mum had asked her to call me to ask me to visit Dad as he'd been asking for me and said I hadn't been in recently. (I still go in 2 or 3 times a week ).

 

So we're really no further forward. She obviously doesn't want to speak to me or discuss things of importance .

 

She'd better not try to move Dad . He's quite settled where he is . What is the point in her moving? She'll be miserable wherever she lives .

[Snowy]

Dear me Vicki She seems to be able to get to you even when you are not in contact with her doesn't she? (((hugs))) still for your situation. xx

[Joojoo]

I'm so sorry hun that things are still the same I had hoped that she may have seen things differently after you not having any contact with her for so long

 

Big hugs & lots of love from me

Keep smiling xx

[MedusA]

Only just caught up with the most recent developments, Vicki.

 

I think you've handled it amazingly well. My advice would be to maintain the distance you've now got. I'll bet anything your Mum doesn't move. It will be another of her bluffs. If she's feeling lonely, it's of her own making, for estranging the most caring person she's got!

 

Sending *hugs*

[Egluntyne]

Have you explored the issues of Power of Attorney etc re your Dad. That way any moves that aren't in his best interests might be blockable. Just a thought.

[Ain't Nobody Here]

I can't really see her managing to sell the house. There's no way she could do on her own and who would help her? Not me . I'm also hoping the nursing home/doctors will tell her it's not on for Dad to move.

 

Re the Power of Attorney, I had it for her and Dad but she made the lawyer remove me (but leave my brother) the same year I traced my birth mother .

 

I don't think my brother will encourage her so hopefully it'll just fizzle out like her schemes usually do .

 

I actually feel quite pleased to have had it confirmed that she is making a conscious decision not to contact me, despite me making the first move. The ball's in her court so I'm not responsible for the "estrangement".

[Chickvic]

Just sending you some more (((hugs))).

[Lisa]

Seeing this post I rushed to read it and see if things were improving!!

 

Sadly, not to be.

 

Sending good vibes and lots of hugs to a wonderful person

 

YOU!

[Tiggy]

just to say I'm thinking of you,

[HENthusiastic]

Thinking of you.

[ChickenJo]

blimey vicki, just read all this and it sounds like youve got the patience of a saint.

 

My mum is similar, so I know how tough it is .. the thing with my situation is that she can also be as nice as pie and (at the moment) the balance of the rants vs the nice mum is still worth me making the effort.

 

However, she has fallen out with my older brother and they havent spoken for about 15 years (he is a bit of a so and so, but still ...) and she bad mouths my younger brother to me and visa versa all the time.

 

at the end of the day you have nothing to feel guilty about ... you can only try so hard.

 

Have you had a frank conversation with her along the lines of "youre my mum and I love you for that, but the way you treat me and behave is unacceptable. I'd like us to have some degree of a relationship going forward, but if thats going to happen something needs to change" ... I know it would be hard but at least if nothing changes (which i doubt it will) you'll know you've laid it on the line.

[Cyber Chook]

Vicki, I've just found this thread and read it through. There's so much hurt in what you've said. It sounds as if you're caught up in a kind of loop in your relationship with your mother, and I feel for you.

My father cut himself off from me and my brother for ten years, didn't answer our letters, moved a hundred miles away and we didn't know where he lived. When my brother and I had our two children each, he never met them or acknowledged their existence. Then, when my mother died, I learned much later from a friend of his that he was absolutey outraged not to have been invited to the funeral

 

When he died, a year after my mum, we found out where he lived because the police came around to my brother to let him know. We had to go through his things, and I learned more about him, and came to understand him better than I ever had when he was alive. He had a rather sad and cold relationship with his own mother, and I came to the conclusion that he was someone who should never have become a parent. He was incredibly self-centred, and like your mother, could go for months without contact and then when he did it would be entirely about himself and his life. He could only see things in terms of how we weren't doing enough for him, paying him enough attention, not being dutiful children.

 

It was only after he died that I could begin to let go of the hurt and anger. He truly was unable to be the parent that i wanted him to be. I now feel compassion towards him. I still don't like him and the way he was, but I've reached a point where I can now say that I believe he was doing the best he could.

 

I think he had an emptiness and loneliness inside him that nothing could fill. He saw the negative in everyone, and criticised for England, honestly. It makes me feel sad for the lonely, isolated life he seemed to have led. We found out that he'd been diagnosed as having a bordeline personality disorder, which meant that he found it really hard to relate to people and to empathise. I look back and feel for me and my brother as children growing up thinking this was normal and we must be bad. He always seemed to be so annoyed with us.

 

I should add that years of therapy helped me let things go, in case you hadn't guessd from the therapy-speak that I've written

 

I didn't intend to write so much, I suppose it's brought back quite a lot. I don't mean this to be all about me me me, but maybe it might help, I don't know. I think I recognised something in what you've written, about the keeping on trying to make a relationship work, and for me, it wasn't ever really going to happen, and it was only with time that I could look back and see it in another light.

 

Blimey life's complicated, isn't it

 

Caroline

[Ain't Nobody Here]

Jo, well done for trawling through all that . (I won't recommend you read the other thread "worried about dad...... and mum" which is where it all started and runs to nearly 50 pages .)

 

I'm sorry to hear you've got a difficult mum too . Sounds like you're really caught in the middle which is a really horrible place to be .

 

I've tried the tack of explaining that her behaviour is sometimes unacceptable and my OH told her the last time she called that I love her and only want to help. Her response was "I don't get that impression. She obviously loves her father."

 

We also had a very long discussion a month ago when I told her straight the things that cause us to fall out. She refused to admit that she'd said/done anything and basically called me a liar .

 

I've done all I can, I reckon. If she wants to be miserable and lonely, that's up to her. I have no feelings of guilt any more.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Caroline, what a sad story . You poor thing . The way you describe your dad could almost be my mum too . I think she must have some kind of personality disorder too but she spent 6 weeks in a psychiatric hospital last year and "Ooops, word censored!"ody picked up any problems ( ). I'm glad you've managed to work through it all - even if it took therapy. The Omlet forum is my therapy .

[Sheilaz]

ANH, I posted earlier on in the topics and have read along the way but not posted. As you know, I think you've been amazing & don't deserve the hurt you've had.

I don't want to throw a spanner in the works, but 2 things keep bugging me, even though it's none of my business & I'm hundreds of miles away! Please ignore anything I say if it's unsettling, and carry on as you are!

 

One is that, still acknowledging how odd & difficult your Mother has been towards you most of your life, I wonder if she has also talked herself into believing that you have no need of her, and don't love her, because you found your birth mother? It may be something she'd dreaded all along, that you would feel emotionally close to your birth mother one day & reject her, and now she thinks this has happened.

 

I think she may have been secretly jealous of your Father if he enjoyed a closer relationship with you, and she didn't know how to have those feelings herself, and again she tells herself that it's him you love, not her.

 

Secondly, I wonder if a "working relationship" would be possible instead of an estrangement (for your benefit). Along the lines of Christmas Day when you just took the positive note for a brief visit and ignored all other issues. Maybe a cuppa at the garden centre once a fortnight, with no old issues revisited, just day to day cheery stuff, even if it's a sympathetic nod at her woes. But, no negativity, not letting yourself be drawn into hurt or anger. If it starts winding you up, you change the subject (weather will do)suggest a look at the daffodils/herbs/hens or whatever and take her home again, on a good note. Maybe even tell her you love her & drop her off while she's still surprised.

 

OH or answermachine to field all calls so you're not caught off-guard, and just stick to the outings.

 

Of course, your new found freedom might be the best thing, I definitely don't want to upset that if it's working. I can always delete this if you'd rather!

 

Very best wishes, you're doing such a great job at breaking the pattern and having a balanced homelife for the boys, just stay as lovely as you are. xx