mostin Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 It's always good to have a plan. Well done for being able to think clearly through the hurt and put together a very sensible set of actions. You've taken a great deal from her and I am so pleased to see you showing such strength, it must be difficult. Let us know how you get on and remember we are all here any time to support you. Sending love and hugs. Says it all Caroline I agree completely, this will give you some power back by taking these actions. It's always good to have a plan, you are so strong, huge hugs xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tiggy Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 oooh sounds horribly familiar all I can do is echo what everyone else has said and let you know that I am thinking of you Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sheilaz Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 Big hugs & never ending teapot from me ANH. I can completely understand why you were angry, and I think you're brilliant in having worked out a plan. It might help you to feel less hurt by the terrible lies if you think of her as having an illness that causes this behaviour. I don't work in healthcare so I've no idea about assessments, but I would have thought all this suggests a personality disorder or mental state that should be assessed. I hope you have a chance to impart all this info. to her doctor, and you are doing brilliantly in staying strong & focussed. It was wise of you to use this topic as a diary, it gives a good picture of events. You could copy & paste it somewhere with just your posts, it would show your concerns over time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hillfamily Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 Just sending big big hugs Vicki xxxx I've followed this right from the start and it sounds just like what my poor Mum went through with my Nan. My Nan was extremely difficult, uncooperative, made things up, manipulated people, deliberately told lies, told untrue stories to different parts of the family so they didn't speak.......when she died, it all came out, the big rift in the family caused by her manipulations and lies was healed and it became clear how she had manipulated everyone around her and had as a sad result, in the end pushed everyone away. My mum and I were the only ones at her funeral Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joojoo Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 I'm so sorry that things aren't improving for you Vicki Keeping everything crossed that you can get some sense out of the GPs and Nursing Home with regards to where is best for your Dad. I still don't know where you are getting the strength from to keep going. You should be so proud of yourself :clap: Lots of love and very best wishes xx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ain't Nobody Here Posted March 21, 2009 Author Share Posted March 21, 2009 Thanks, guys . You're all so lovely . I spoke to the nursing home and put them straight. They agree that Dad is happy and settled. Spoke to Ann. She's not seen Mum for a while so hadn't heard the news that I'd been sacked . I told her about Mum's plan which she had heard about but then my run arrived so I had to go . Also spoke to Dad's doctor (who I know too). He said that the final decision has to be up to Dad, IF he's deemed mentally capable. That's the big if though - I think he might agree because he doesn't know what he's actually agreeing to . Anyway, the doctor agreed to visit Dad to assess his mental capability if required. Left a message with the CPN - no reply yet. And after all that, I got a text from my brother last night saying "Look's like the moving option is fading away". She's caved a lot sooner than I thought she would . Still, I'm glad I've flagged it up with the home and the doctor (and I told the doctor a bit of the background too). Seeing my brother this afternoon (in secret obviously!) so may get some more news then. BTW, I have actually been copying and pasting all my posts into a Word document (right from the start). It runs to over 30 pages (and that's with very small margins!). It reads like a diary as I've taken out all Omlet references (and smilies!). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Olly Posted March 21, 2009 Share Posted March 21, 2009 Well that sounds positive - I bet you feel better for having taken some action. I hope things calm down again a bit, and I'm sure anyone who knows you will not believe the lies she's told. It's still very hurtful, though. Fingers crossed that another period of calm is on its way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poachedegg Posted March 21, 2009 Share Posted March 21, 2009 Can't add to the advice given, however just wanted you to know we are behind you. Good luck with your plan, hope things get sorted soon with the least amount of hassle. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cyber Chook Posted March 21, 2009 Share Posted March 21, 2009 You've been busy! Good for you, and I hope things settle down again asap. This Spring is too lovely to be missed, and I hope you can get out there this weekend and enjoy some fresh air and your new run - well, not yours as such, unless you've decided things are so bad it's time to move in with the chooks? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jlo Posted March 21, 2009 Share Posted March 21, 2009 Hope things stay relatively peaceful! I have been thinking about how things have been for you over the last few days. On a somewhat brighter note, am also just off to the chickens section to see if there's more news on your WIR!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ain't Nobody Here Posted April 29, 2009 Author Share Posted April 29, 2009 Sorry, it's me again . Nothing major, just wanting a bit of advice . Dad has been talking in a very confused way over the past few weeks about mum "falling out with someone". He doesn't know who and says it's not me but another female member of the family (there isn't one ). I've been playing it down and not really saying anything. Today, however, he was talking about it quite a lot and getting a bit upset and crying. He says that mum says my brother and I have fallen out (that makes me angry, we've not had a cross word in 46 years ). I told Dad that and think he's reassured. He also said mum has been talking about me falling out with her and she doesn't know why. Give me strength . Shall I post my "diary" to her? He did make a comment last week that someone (I think me but couldn't pin him down) "wasn't an easy person to fall out with". He made some comments about how much "mum has done for the family" and commented vaguely on certain financial matters which makes me wonder what she's saying to him . I don't know what to tell him. I did kind of allude to the fact that she didn't want to see me and that I had tried to see her but she didn't want to but didn't want to upset him more . It's nearly 4 months since I've seen mum but I really don't know if I can face her. I know she'll soon revert back to her old ways if I do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chook n Boo Mum Posted April 29, 2009 Share Posted April 29, 2009 Vicki, I don't know what to advise for the best, just wanted to send some supportive southern hugs Sha x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chickenanne Posted April 29, 2009 Share Posted April 29, 2009 Vicki, you poor soul! I'd be tempted to leave it alone with your mum now, as having cut contact with her it seems like you feel much more at peace. It doesn't sound like a reconciliation is going to work out as things are, so I'm not sure I see the point of you sending her your "diary". Surely she would get defensive and it wouldn't help. As lovely as the idea that you can be reconciled to her and all will be well, I think you've come to feel that it can't happen. I would leave it a while longer yet. As to your Dad, well, what can you do? Other than reassure him as far as possible that things are "calm" with everyone. I mean, it is true enough, things are "calm" even if that's because you've severed links with your mother. It sounds like he is a bit confused, and therefore may not be fully able to maintain an understanding of the ins-and-outs of the situation for any length of time. Ultimately, only you can know what's best for you and yours. I don't have the insight into the situation that you do, for obvious reasons! So long as you are "happy" (not happy, as such, but you know what I mean!) with how things are, and you're sure that you're being clear-sighted about it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Valkyrie Posted April 29, 2009 Share Posted April 29, 2009 Argghhh poor you - you just can't escape really. Time to put your mum in that broody cage! Perhaps you could eake out of your dad whether she has told him that she has given you the crown jewels because you are in dire straights! Think you just might have to put the records to rights regardless. You can always point out that your mum just really isn't very well and imagines a lot of things. Apart from that I agree with Chickenanne - keep your distance from your mum if you are much happier without the direct contact. She is so manipulative - must be driving her nuts that she can't get to you and is trying to do it indirectly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cyber Chook Posted April 29, 2009 Share Posted April 29, 2009 It's nearly 4 months since I've seen mum but I really don't know if I can face her. I know she'll soon revert back to her old ways if I do. Well, I can imagine that just seeing your mum wouldn't provide any kind of long-term answer, as you say yourself. Are you asking what you might say to your dad, to ease his distress over the general feeling that people he loves aren't getting on? If so, might it help, when he says these things, if you simply acknowledge that it can't be nice for him to feel worried about his family not getting along, and that families are hard work sometimes? And to let him know that you're working on it, and as you're already doing, reassure him that things are fine between you and your brother, maybe by telling him about things you and he have done or talked about recently? That way, you aren't dismissing what he's saying, or denying there's a problem - it sounds like he has a good sense of something not feeling right - but showing him that you recognise it makes him feel sad. And you won't have to keep on denying each different accusation (of your mum's, I mean) that he mentions he's heard about. It never ends, does it, what a painful situation. No need for the 's, ANH, we don't mind, that's what we're here for Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ain't Nobody Here Posted April 29, 2009 Author Share Posted April 29, 2009 Thanks everyone, I just wanted to offload a bit . You're all so nice to me . Don't worry, I wasn't really planning on sending her my "diary" . Cyberchook, that's more or less what I did today . I think you're right, he deserves to have his feelings taken notice of. Linda, the care assistant, said to him today "you can choose your friends but not your family" and he laughed so I said that if I could have chosen I'd have chosen him - he seemed to like that . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted April 29, 2009 Share Posted April 29, 2009 everything was fine til your dad had that fall and it's been one nightmare after the other since then for you. I don't know how you're coping xxxx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ain't Nobody Here Posted April 29, 2009 Author Share Posted April 29, 2009 Thanks Poet, but it's actually brought back memories of other occasions, years ago, when she's gone off in a huff saying "well, let's just not see each other again then" . I can remember 2 definite occasions, both of which ended with me writing on one occasion and phoning on the other to try to mend the relationship. She seems to have been intent on sabotageing our relationship for a long time now - she's now got what she wanted (or thinks she wanted). Two very good friends who I have started seeing more of again recently said that they remember mum being difficult even 25 years ago . My OH says the same. I suppose it's only really become more of an issue as it's escalated during this past year. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jlo Posted April 29, 2009 Share Posted April 29, 2009 It seems to me that the advice giving by others today is excellent and I really can't add to it but just wanted to send some virtual support. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chickvic Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 I can't offer any advice either ANH, just some (((hugs))) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
..lay a little egg for me Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 I agree with what everyone else says. It is much better for you not to have to see your Mum, so I would just carry on with what you have been doing as per CyberChook advised. It seems that your Mum is feeling frustrated that she can't have a run in with you so she is trying to poison your Dad's mind instead. Does your brother visit your Dad too? If so, he can reiterate the fact that you and he are getting on fine. Keep your pecker up! Virtual hugs from me too [[[[hugs]]]] xx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seagazer Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 I'm sorry its all started again ANH. Sending you positive vibes and a virtual hug. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Egluntyne Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 Sorry to hear it has all started again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jackiepoppies Posted May 3, 2009 Share Posted May 3, 2009 Nothing useful to add as everyone has given excellent advice. Just wanted you to know I am thinking of you. Stay strong for yourself. Hugs. Jx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phonix Posted May 3, 2009 Share Posted May 3, 2009 I cant really add anything but thinking of you and sending you big hugs! xx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
