Guest Posted January 25, 2009 Share Posted January 25, 2009 I hate to say this but from a teachers perspective...gimme the boys any day. They may occasionally lose their tempers with you, tell you where to go and storm out, but most of the time if you pull them up on something they apologise and stop doing it for five mins... BUT the girls "You talking to me??" "Why are you talking to me like that" "what have I done" "what do you mean I can't do my hair/make up/text my friends/listen to my Ipod when you are talking" And if you ask them to hand over that illegal phone/ipod/makeup that you've told them to put away 3 times already and you get "you can't take my stuff" "why are you taking my stuff?" "You give my stuff back" You better give my stuff back" (Actually I don't know why I put them all as seperate quotes, often they form one sentance which is repeated at screech mark 6!) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
miffy Posted January 25, 2009 Share Posted January 25, 2009 Well, I have found this a really interesting thread. The best advice I can give is to consider that there are things worth falling out about and things that whilst irritating arent worth falling out about. with our ES we were desperate to be perfect parents demanding to know where he was at all times, who he was with, where he was going, what he was doing. Tidy room tidy mind, wrong friends no good, 'nice' families were promoted, this all made everyones life hell and in particular put far too much pressure on ES, he became v difficult dropped out went to a government funded centre who told him he didnt need his parents and could do what he wanted (he was only just 16 and very immature). They told him all he needed was for us to write a letter saying we had kicked him out and the bebefit system would be his oyster. I should point out that we hadnt kicked him out, he had a front door key and was welcome back if he could just TRY to let us know what was going on. I wrote a letter, explaining this and went to CAB for advice, this was the lowest moment of my life, being told my vulnerable 16 yr old son could do what he liked with gov support!!!! the downward spiral continued, dropping out of various college courses, hes the only person I know who has been kicked out of art college!! He had been smoking canabis in his room although he denied it I found various apparatus hidden in his room (yes I did snoop) dont ask Frank, heis no help at all. Things got worse and he ended up on LSD.......however after a bad trip and depression we have all moved on and we now have a good and loving relationship. OMG I cant believe I have told you that!!!! I have NEVER told anyone else. I am tempted to delete it but if it can help anyone here it is worth baring my soul. If I have offended you I apologise, but it can happen in any family. We are a close family, church going been married 30 years now, I am still unsure how we got whwere we did but it really did happen. Thank you for listening there are things worth falling out about and things that whilst irritating arent worth falling out about. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 25, 2009 Share Posted January 25, 2009 Miffy, I am so sorry you have had a hard time. It is no reflection on you or your parenting. Each of us is our own person and unfortunately all of us think we are fully grown by the time we are 16 or 18. The System doesn't help! I'm so glad you have managed to pull it all together again. I said somewhere else a while ago and I think it is important: Never forget that the awful person posing as your son or daughter is the same as that precious baby you gave birth to, the one you loved totally and without question. That love is still there although it is hard to find it sometimes. My eldest daughter caused me so much stress that I didn't want to be near her and thought I hated her. Remembering that she was my first and very precious baby helped me to keep trying, even though I didn't want to! My brother was pretty awful when he was 16 and we had to call the Police for help. My mother asked them to keep him overnight to give her a chance to calm down and think of a way of dealing with him. Instead they put him in a children's home and refused to let her visit. When he turned 17 a few weeks later, he was moved to a house which he shared with other young 'drop-outs'. Again my mother wasn't told. She has never forgiven the Police for doing that and my brother has never forgiven her for 'putting him in a home'. So I do understand how much you resent the System! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Old Speckled Hen Posted January 26, 2009 Share Posted January 26, 2009 Am I the only one? I have two teenage daughters: 17 and 15. My 17 year old is an absolute joy; she's kind, caring, fun to be with and adored and it will break my heart when she goes to univ in September. However 2 years ago she was an evil, screeching, mean spirited, vile monster who hated me and let me know it. etc etc Your 15 year old will be 17 ONE DAY. Mine was. Might I risk a simple solution. Do your best,don't panic, take comfort from your family, seek professional counseling if you are out of your depth. It could be a lot worse, as exemplified by other people's tales of woe but it probably won't be. Take a deep breath. It can only get better. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Dogmother Posted January 26, 2009 Share Posted January 26, 2009 My Youngest has always been more even tempered,but even she has ben giving us the run around of late. I suspect that she won't be as bad as her sister BUT I did find out last week that she had tried to meet up with some boy that she met online by telling me she was meeting one of her friends.AND she pierced her own ear the other week too. She also wants to go to Reading Festival with her friends,which won't be happening.She is a bit of a wild child,very irresponsible. Sounds like me at that age Rosie is coming up 11 and already starts on the strops once in a while I have made it plain that I won't stand for it. I can see her being wild and irresponsible like I was.... at least I gave my folks a break by spending most of my 20s travelling Pengy, I thought you preferred teenagers to smallsters? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KimmyCustard Posted January 26, 2009 Share Posted January 26, 2009 I have 2 daughters and there are lots of hormones flying around. The eldest packed her case a few weeks ago and wanted to leave home, all because I had confiscated her power lead for her laptop due to an appalling crisis with her laundry. Normally I would talk her down and listen to her reasons but this time I had just had enough and threw her case into the boot and we set off for the M1!! I was so angry how she treated me and the rest of the family. She was so shocked that we didnt even get to the motorway junction before she was crying and asking me to pull over and go home. Sometimed tough love is the only way to deal with it. It helped me to feel in control again and respected. Be fair but firm, save the big guns for the big fights. And have some time off so you can gather yourself again. good luck. EXACTLY what I would have done! Good for you. I was never in a trillion years allowed to carry on the way some teens do today, I was in my parents house, didnt contribute financially until I got a job and therefore had no say in the day to day issues indoors. If I didnt toe the line, my parents soon told me! OH hasnt spoken to his ED for over a year now (she's 16 in August) as she wrote him the most awful letter, telling him what a terrible father he is, doesnt spend enough money on her, doesnt take her abroad for holidays, doesnt let her spend nights in a hotel etc etc. He arranged to meet her to sort it out, she didnt arrive, he rang her to ask where she was and she said 'Whatevahhhh!' (in that way they have) and that was it. She has told her YS that she'll never back down cos she wants to appear 'hard'. Her loss, too many tears have poured down his cheeks over this kid. Firm hands are needed!! Good luck to all of you with the terrible teens, although I know theyre not all like it. Kimmy x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mostin Posted January 26, 2009 Share Posted January 26, 2009 After reading all these posts you know you're not alone Laurie. You know that i don't have any kids so i can only go from your daughters perspective. You think you have an awful relationship with your kids at the mo but your awful is better than the best it got between me and my parents at that age I can assure you . I stopped communicating with them at 13 and didn't really start sharing my feelings againg with them until after I got married at 26. I think I had the longest teenage sulk on record . I just knew they weren't going to understand my point of view as they are extremely narrow minded (just the way they were raised ), so what was the point in trying. At least your kids know that when they are in the mood to talk and be nice you are a wonderful warm and understanding person. They may not say it to you until they reach mid twenties, but believe me, your girls do know it already. God bless those hormones eh Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 26, 2009 Share Posted January 26, 2009 Pengy, I thought you preferred teenagers to smallsters? I do - imagine how impatient I am with smallsters! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hillfamily Posted January 26, 2009 Share Posted January 26, 2009 all because I had confiscated her power lead for her laptop due to an appalling crisis with her laundry. we're having a laundry crisis at the mo aswell I have refused to wash anything else until all the clothes on the 'ready to go back in wardrobe' rail are put back in the wardrobe.......I predict this may be done on thursday as DD will have run out of school shirts by then I have also solved the wet towels on their bathroom floor problem (so thankful that I have an ensuite )....... we have a very elderly cat who refuses and has always refused to use a litter tray. He has recently decided that he can't always wait until 6am to be let out and has taken on these occasions to using the bathmat in the teenagers bathroom I now leave him an old towel on the floor but have warned teenagers that if I forget he will use their bath towels sending big helping strength giving hugs to everyone xxx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Dogmother Posted January 26, 2009 Share Posted January 26, 2009 I love the bath towel solution Pam. Solved that one with Rose by telling her that it is a disgusting BOY habit - she'd rather die than do something 'BOY' We're still working on the putting laundry away though Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Minnie the Moocher Posted January 26, 2009 Share Posted January 26, 2009 The scribbling sound you can hear is Minnie copiously making notes Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cinnamon Posted January 26, 2009 Share Posted January 26, 2009 My girls don't get their pocket money/lifts into town/lifts to the boyfriends house until the weekend chores are done. Simple as that. This includes putting their own laundry away,stripping their beds & remaking them & getting their rooms ready for Roomba. I am,apparently,the mother from hell Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laurmurf Posted January 26, 2009 Author Share Posted January 26, 2009 we're having a laundry crisis at the mo aswell I have refused to wash anything else until all the clothes on the 'ready to go back in wardrobe' rail are put back in the wardrobe.......I predict this may be done on thursday as DD will have run out of school shirts by then I have also solved the wet towels on their bathroom floor problem (so thankful that I have an ensuite )....... we have a very elderly cat who refuses and has always refused to use a litter tray. He has recently decided that he can't always wait until 6am to be let out and has taken on these occasions to using the bathmat in the teenagers bathroom I now leave him an old towel on the floor but have warned teenagers that if I forget he will use their bath towels sending big helping strength giving hugs to everyone xxx I think we may be the same mother.... funny, I didn't think I had a multiple personality! I am on 'laundry strike' too: only with the girls as the boys are more than happy to put their clothes away. ED now washes her own clothes (but has to wait for me to be done with the machine) and YD is nearly knickerless, so we shall see who breaks first (who chafes first? ) Our cat is cooperating in my teen-training in the same way as yours too. I bought everyone a towel set in their own colour. So I not only know who the culprits are but the cat can be aimed like a armed guided missile..... I play to win and I play dirty! You are all wonderful - thank you for your wit, your shared experiences and, especially, your kindness! (((((((((((huge hugs of thanks!))))))))))))))) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yorkshire Pudding Posted January 26, 2009 Share Posted January 26, 2009 My two aren't teens yet. But I know where to come for advice when they are! However I can see the early signs and I think I am the same mother as everyone else on here - reasonable, not about to give in...every teen's mother from hell! LOVE the 'cat as teen persuader' tactic. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Dogmother Posted January 26, 2009 Share Posted January 26, 2009 My girls don't get their pocket money/lifts into town/lifts to the boyfriends house until the weekend chores are done.Simple as that. This includes putting their own laundry away,stripping their beds & remaking them & getting their rooms ready for Roomba. I am, apparently, the mother from hell Want to borrow my Bad Mum Badge Hon? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Egluntyne Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 My girls don't get their pocket money/lifts into town/lifts to the boyfriends house until the weekend chores are done.Simple as that. This includes putting their own laundry away,stripping their beds & remaking them & getting their rooms ready for Roomba. They will thank you for it when they go to university and can knock a meal together and manage a bit of basic housekeeping. My daughter shared a house with a girl who admitted that she had never so much as made a bed or used a vacuum cleaner in her life. This was in the second year....and believe me...students housekeeping standards tend not to be that high.....but having to do things for herself came as an awful shock. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Dogmother Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 My daughter shared a house with a girl who admitted that she had never so much as made a bed or used a vacuum cleaner in her life. This was in the second year....and believe me...students housekeeping standards tend not to be that high.....but having to do things for herself came as an awful shock. My sister still has those challenges! She's in her early 40s! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chickencam Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 My ED is 15 and although she has her moments, and rolls her eyes whenever I suggest a way in which she might help, she is basically ok and we are pretty close. I consider myself very lucky. We had an incident on Saturday morning, ED has stayed up talking to us until nearly midnight, I went in to say good morning to her suggest that it might be time for breakfast at 10.30am, and she shouted 'get lost' at me which both shocked and hurt me because she isn't really like that. She came out of her room about five minutes later and said 'was I just rude to you?' She claims that she had been having a bad dream about being chased and I woke her up. She was very apologetic and made me some tea and toast when she had her breakfast My YD I fear might be another story, she has always been more challenging and does not have her sisters' need to please, so watch this space I am not sure about DS he was a frustrated and often grumpy youngster with comunication problems, whereas he is now nearly 13 and a loving talkative boy, he can be secretive and tend to keep problems to himself, but hopefully he will be ok as a teen This thread is great for those of us with teens and pre-teens, there but for the grace of God go all of us. It is down to a combination of life experience and gentics and very much the luck of the draw how our children turn out. One of ED's friends is having quite a few problems at the moment, so she is seeing both sides of things. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rhapsody Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 I'm quite a permissive mum I'll happily negotiate on just about anything but I simply will not be a doormat. It HORRIFIES me how some of my friends allow their kids big and small to speak to them and its an absolute in our house, anything else is discussable. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chickencam Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 That's pretty much how we operate too. Respect is a must If they respect us we will respect them, that has always been made clear. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Valkyrie Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 Oh crikey Peeps! With our son we had the hormonal "Me Tarzan" while at the same time OH developed "No, Me Tarzan". Which led onto scuffles with me seperating them by getting in between the girly fight. One time it was DS starting it with the usual mouthy stuff, another OH losing his rag - I think the last one was a shouting match between me and DS and OH interfered resulting in a bout that I thought - just let em get on with it. This seemed to do the trick - it hasn't happened since. It was like living with a pair of rutting stags! Not very nice, but at least they talk nicely to each other and DS does actually ask OH's advice on some things. I think if I had 2 sons they would have had the fisticuffs and not the parent - who should have known better and to act his own age. DD is wilful, but has a more jolly outlook, so I am usually the one who rants with her. She is definitely OH's favourite - and it shows badly. DS seems to respect me more because he says "Dad favours DD and he never tells her off when she does similar things to me. On the other hand you just shout at everybody and we all know where we stand with you!" I think that was meant as a compliment! He said that he knew he was saying bad things, but they just came out of his mouth before he could stop it, and then things just got worse. I remember I did exactly the same with my mother. Went to visit a friend's house over the new year. She has 2 sons (she divorced when the boys were young), now 14 and soon to be 17, who are so loving, helpful and focused. The eldest one remembers how badly their father treated them and they both know how much she has sacrificed for them - respect! The fuse went while we were there and the little'un got a torch, went into the garage and flipped the switch. I was most impressed, I wanted to swap our children immediately! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chickencam Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 I think there tends to be more tolerance/indulgence in father/daughter and mother/son realtionships. That is certainly the case in this house Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Valkyrie Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 I think it's a fact of life, Chickencam. The same happened in my days at home - mum always - and still does - dote more on little brother and I was always tinkering with the car or doing carpentry or gardening with my dad. My SIL says it's the same with her family. Perhaps it's to do with instinct to help the children adapt when they leave home and the arguments start when they are beginning to want to spread their wings and leave the nest. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mutrix Farmers Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 Lauramurf - just read your original post. My heart goes out to you. I am the mother of a 14 year old boy who scowls at me most of the time. I've had lots of chats with older ladies who now have adorable sons who are now themselves married and fathers of small children. They assure me that all teenagers go through it and come out the other end as normal well adjusted adults. They just kept telling their teens that no matter what they loved them and shed a tear in private when teenage eyes weren't watching (just to relieve the stress and anxiety). Every so often I get a glimpse of the future and I like what I see so I'm persevering through the bad times. You too have had the glimpse in your older daughter. Send your 15 year old a text "I love you" and leave it at that. Big hug to you Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chooklady Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 It's nice to know you are not alone isn't it. My son 17 has just dropped out of 6th form, which has been a nightmare. We have had our fair share of ups and downs with him BUT our 15 year old daugther is absolutely horrible at the moment, sweetness and light one minute and a demon the next, she says she is leaving home in April when she is 16, I said good luck and roll on April when she was a complete cow the other week. I can't do anything right. Every week her hair changes colour, I think it will fall out soon! In fact we don't talk much at present, because if we do we just end up arguing. My youngest is 12, do I have to go through all this again in a few years?!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
