laurmurf Posted January 25, 2009 Share Posted January 25, 2009 Am I the only one? I have two teenage daughters: 17 and 15. My 17 year old is an absolute joy; she's kind, caring, fun to be with and adored and it will break my heart when she goes to univ in September. However 2 years ago she was an evil, screeching, mean spirited, vile monster who hated me and let me know it. My previously adored, darling, witty, compassionate YD is now - at 15 - what her sister was then. She behaves vilely to her brothers, her sister, father, but saves most of the bile for me. She's not spoken to me for 3 days because i shouted at her at the dinner table: she won't recognise the reason for my shouting was that she kept glaring at me throughout dinner telling me how much I annoy her and she dislikes me. I coped with the first 45 minutes of this by cheerily chatting to the others and mentally counting to 1 million and 47, then couldn't cope with anymore and the dam burst: the meal gave way to me bursting into tears and leaving the table shouting at her for being so hateful. I really need to know: -is this happening, or has this happened, to anyone else? -are you this daughter and can you explain to me what's going on in her head? -should I wait out the two years and hope for the miraculous re-emergence of the wonderful person inside, as her big sister did? . . . or should I just cull her now as a wrong 'un? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nicki9 Posted January 25, 2009 Share Posted January 25, 2009 No - it's normal - nearly all kids go through this around that age. apparently it's to do with hormones and an under developed pre-frontal cortex, their fight or flight mechanism triggers at the smallest thing. Rest assured that in a couple of years she will become "normal" again! Just a shame we can't hide all hormonal teens away somewhere and bring them back out when they've recovered Sorry to hear you're having a rough time of it, don't take it personally, your daughter loves you really, trouble is teenagers have trouble expressing their emotions in the usual way! Feel free to rant on here whenever you need - it's not just the kids that need a chance to moan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seagazer Posted January 25, 2009 Share Posted January 25, 2009 You know its a phase and that you can come out the other side as has happened with your other daughter. Its just so hard having to go through it. I'm sure we have all been there when our relationships with our kids have been a bit strained. It is horrible because you wonder what you have done wrong to make them feel that way. Thankfully with my older two it has been quite shortlived so far. My YS has had a few days where he's been very grumpy with me but is back to normal now. My Dad and I didn't get on when I was a teenager. I couldn't say anything without it being wrong. I said some horrible things which I regret but when I look back I wasn't an awful teenager. I didn't stay out late all the time etc but it was just that we are both opinionated and neither wanted to back down. I'm a bit like this with my DD but we both make it up really quickly because we can't bear being angry with each other. I wouldn't like to be a teenager again. Hormones raging and not being able to do everything you want. Deep breath and remember it will pass. Good luck. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Egluntyne Posted January 25, 2009 Share Posted January 25, 2009 Don't forget Laurie...she is a forum member and might log on and read this! The first 21 years are the worst. A couple of years down the line and you will have forgotten all about it and will be dreading her leaving home for university too. Honestly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bigmommasally Posted January 25, 2009 Share Posted January 25, 2009 My advice would be to go back to the "reward good behaviour - ignore bad behaviour" method we used with toddlers! She's only trying to get a reaction out of you, so just let it all go over your head. Not easy, I know, my girls are now 22 and 24 so any teenage trauma is in the dim and distant past for me. You'll get through it as you have with you other daughter. Big Hugs to you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cinnamon Posted January 25, 2009 Share Posted January 25, 2009 I sympathise laurmurf I too have 2 teenage girls - they are almost 14 & 16, & seem to change from being nasty,selfish awful creatures one minute to lovely Sweet girls the next. There is no warning which one will get out of bed each day, so you never know what you will be dealing with. My eldest has really been a pain the last couple of years, but over the last few months the evil moments are getting fewer & further between & we seem to have our girl 'back' with us most of the time. She has a whole new set of friends, & a steady boyfriend of 8 months which I think has helped a lot. My Youngest has always been more even tempered,but even she has ben giving us the run around of late. I suspect that she won't be as bad as her sister BUT I did find out last week that she had tried to meet up with some boy that she met online by telling me she was meeting one of her friends.AND she pierced her own ear the other week too. She also wants to go to Reading Festival with her friends,which won't be happening.She is a bit of a wild child,very irresponsible.She is the one who will have tattoos & piercings galore by the time she is 20 The joys of teenage girls eh? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeckyBoo Posted January 25, 2009 Share Posted January 25, 2009 I'm dreading this I've got 19 months between my two girls so will probably going through the same sort of stuff. Just as I get past that I'll have a small boy who is only 2 1/2 years behind. I already get "I HATE you!" from ED and temper tantrums, and grunts and being ignored, God help me she's only 7!! I was an AWFUL teenager, ended up being dealt with by all sorts of authorities when I was 15, lasted nearly two years and - unfortunately - I can see a lot of me in ED. So I have no advice to offer, but even though I'm not religious, I will be praying for you. And me. And everyone else in the same situation! BeckyBoo Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laurmurf Posted January 25, 2009 Author Share Posted January 25, 2009 Don't forget Laurie...she is a forum member and might log on and read this! The first 21 years are the worst. A couple of years down the line and you will have forgotten all about it and will be dreading her leaving home for university too. Honestly. oh god.... I forgot! and presumably that means I've got off lightly with the 17 year old but have 6 more years of hell from t'other one. I'll just pretend that i didn't post this.... People tell me that boys do all this hormonal stuff differently than girls - girls do more 'i hate my sad and embarrassing mum' but boys do 'i'm going to try to kill myself in the most dramatically effective way involving motorbikes and fitting 7 people in a smart car (or was that an omleteer? ) You've had both, Egluntine - any guidance? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Egluntyne Posted January 25, 2009 Share Posted January 25, 2009 Boys slam doors and grunt....but at least you don't get as much verbal stuff. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hillfamily Posted January 25, 2009 Share Posted January 25, 2009 Am I the only one? no you are not.........I'm going through exactly the same and have been for the last 7 months. It's an unrelenting hell at the moment and there are days where I don't know how much more I can take and have been reduced to tears. I'm doing everything I can to keep as calm as I possibly can - which is extremely difficult and I can honestly say doesn't always happen - in the hope that when DD comes out the other side our relationship isn't beyond repair, even if I feel at the moment as though I have lost her sending you big big big hugs from one mum of a teenager to another xxxx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jess Posted January 25, 2009 Share Posted January 25, 2009 I was an absolute cow when (can i say cow?) I was like 13-22 rly :C it will work out i promise! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snowy Posted January 25, 2009 Share Posted January 25, 2009 You have my sympathy I am going through it with the 17 year old son. Very different I think - he seems to spend most of his time winding up his much younger brothers and telling me I'm not looking after them properly and doing the silent treatment with the occasional grunt. I ignore it as much as I can and take advantage of the saner moments to remind him that I do still love him, even when we are at each others throats But he is the laid back one - I dread the next two reaching 13! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
speckleyboo Posted January 25, 2009 Share Posted January 25, 2009 As a 19year old, i would like to say we arent all that bad My mum has always said im old for my age, but seeing what my sister does - who is now 23 - is a nightmare, she does go off on one about nothing and will never admit shes wrong. She will get over it and realise shes wrong, and though wont admit that, she'll just be nice again. Suprise cups of tea help - they work both ways too Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poachedegg Posted January 25, 2009 Share Posted January 25, 2009 Boys slam doors and grunt....but at least you don't get as much verbal stuff. If you saw what our 2nd son (15 next week) is like at home sometimes........you so wouldn't say that!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
miffy Posted January 25, 2009 Share Posted January 25, 2009 Egluntine wrote:Boys slam doors and grunt....but at least you don't get as much verbal stuff. If you saw what our 2nd son (15 next week) is like at home sometimes........you so wouldn't say that!!! My MS was a devil for slamming doors, we were living in a modern 80s house and the whole house seemed to shake as a reward for something we bought him a drum kit...then the whole place shook when he thrashed/played them Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 25, 2009 Share Posted January 25, 2009 I have 3 teenage daughters A lot of what I have read here sounds very familiar. DD1 seems to be coming out the other side. She will be 20 in the summer and is quite pleasant most of the time. But she was a nightmare at school, went off with a 34 year old man straight after her 16th birthday, outrageous with the BF afterwards and has piercings and dreadlocks. It was hard but I had to keep being a responsible mother and reminding her that was what I was doing. She was horrible to the other children and DD3 used to dread her coming home from uni even last year. DD2 is coming 17 and whilst she is a competent and reliable daughter to have around, I realise that she dominates the house and does things entirely her own way. This isn't usually a problem because we only notice if we suggest that a different way might suit everyone else better. Then she is moody, loud and very rude. DD3 is almost 14. She seems rather full of herself at the moment and is behaving like her eldest sister in that positive remarks are interpreted as everything else being negative. (e.g. "that bit is particularly good" means the rest is total rubbish!). On Thursday she told me I was an "utterly hopeless" mother! She winds up DS (10) deliberately and nastily and then complains when he responds. Both she and DD2 tell me that I don't bring him up properly, that he gets away with everything and has more than they do. I don't need to tell you all that this is really not true! What I do tell them all is that they are 4 different people and I try to meet their individual needs. Bringing them up all the same way would not be appropriate. Obviously there are basics but the minutiae may vary. Hang in there Laurmurf and remember that it is YOUR home and they are children. I too have an issue at the moment with mine thinking they can speak to me rudely and say whatever they like. I am struggling to make them see that I deserve respect. Happy homes! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phonix Posted January 25, 2009 Share Posted January 25, 2009 hey, Being 21 now its not that long since I was her age lol. I remember me and my mum arguing alot but looking back I wouldn't say that I was a bad teenage - never smoked, didn't drink until I was older (and always did it responsibly and still do), was always in on time, got good grades and was never in trouble in school yet i was always getting shouted at. I think me and my mum just had different ideals and im more laid back like my dad but when I do belive in something or not as the case may be then I won't back down so im just stubborn like her! Ive moved out and gone to uni now and we get on sooo much better now and never argue! Haven't since I left 6th form at 18 and worked full-time in my gap year to pay for uni and she realised that I wasn't that bad lol! xXx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Plum Posted January 25, 2009 Share Posted January 25, 2009 He he, poor Laurie, Got two boys. 2nd one was quiet(except his music), calm no problem except always being really upset if I got cross with him. First one went through a terrible stage as a teenager. He was ALWAYS RIGHT. It was awful, I guess I was lucky no drugs or anything, but the arguments and the way he always stood up for himself drove me mad. He came out of it and we are best of friends. But you think the teenage years are hard, just you wait for the problems they bring you later! enjoy the strops. What I needed and I don't think there are any is a really good book on how to manage your teenagers. There are plenty about toddlers and youngsters but those teenage years, urghhhh. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jess Posted January 25, 2009 Share Posted January 25, 2009 On Thursday she told me I was an "utterly hopeless" mother! haha think ill say this to my mum next time we disagree! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snowy Posted January 25, 2009 Share Posted January 25, 2009 On Thursday she told me I was an "utterly hopeless" mother! haha think ill say this to my mum next time we disagree! Then stand well back and wait for the fireworks For all you teenagers who say you are not that bad - it's not that you are bad, more that you haven't learnt when to keep quiet and back down! And as parents we are not used to being challenged in our own homes. It's not a good mix however you look at it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
riane Posted January 25, 2009 Share Posted January 25, 2009 I have 2 daughters and there are lots of hormones flying around. The eldest packed her case a few weeks ago and wanted to leave home, all because I had confiscated her power lead for her laptop due to an appalling crisis with her laundry. Normally I would talk her down and listen to her reasons but this time I had just had enough and threw her case into the boot and we set off for the M1!! I was so angry how she treated me and the rest of the family. She was so shocked that we didnt even get to the motorway junction before she was crying and asking me to pull over and go home. Sometimed tough love is the only way to deal with it. It helped me to feel in control again and respected. Be fair but firm, save the big guns for the big fights. And have some time off so you can gather yourself again. good luck. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laurmurf Posted January 25, 2009 Author Share Posted January 25, 2009 What I needed and I don't think there are any is a really good book on how to manage your teenagers. There are plenty about toddlers and youngsters but those teenage years, urghhhh. I've actually recently completed a 'parenting teens' course' run by our LA I try very hard to follow the concepts and in a calmer moment discussed the ideas with my ED and YD. They laughed when I talked about managing and reducing conflict and 'fighting fair': their view is that it's only me who wants to manage conflict - they're more than happy to stir it all up! It takes two to tango but only one evil minded child to create havoc! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yorkshire Pudding Posted January 25, 2009 Share Posted January 25, 2009 What I needed and I don't think there are any is a really good book on how to manage your teenagers. There are plenty about toddlers and youngsters but those teenage years, urghhhh. I've actually recently completed a 'parenting teens' course' run by our LA I try very hard to follow the concepts and in a calmer moment discussed the ideas with my ED and YD. They laughed when I talked about managing and reducing conflict and 'fighting fair': their view is that it's only me who wants to manage conflict - they're more than happy to stir it all up! It takes two to tango but only one evil minded child to create havoc! Ah. I was just about to ask if you had thought of doing one of these courses - although you don't strike me as the kind of Mum who needs to! Kids - they scupper all our best and most devious plans. I am trained to deliver one of these types of course, and nowhere in the course materials does it suggest that the kids might be enjoying the confict! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jess Posted January 25, 2009 Share Posted January 25, 2009 I have 2 daughters and there are lots of hormones flying around. The eldest packed her case a few weeks ago and wanted to leave home, all because I had confiscated her power lead for her laptop due to an appalling crisis with her laundry. Normally I would talk her down and listen to her reasons but this time I had just had enough and threw her case into the boot and we set off for the M1!! I was so angry how she treated me and the rest of the family. She was so shocked that we didnt even get to the motorway junction before she was crying and asking me to pull over and go home. Sometimed tough love is the only way to deal with it. It helped me to feel in control again and respected. Be fair but firm, save the big guns for the big fights. And have some time off so you can gather yourself again. good luck. the power lead!!! genius! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seagazer Posted January 25, 2009 Share Posted January 25, 2009 On a positive note - we went to our son's girlfriend's 18th birthday party last night. Everyone had a great time including us. We hadn't met her parents before and most of the girls were strangers to us but we knew a lot of the boys as they are ES's friends. What a great bunch of boys. They all came up and chatted to us over the night, laughing and joking. At one point my OH took them off to get a drink, as they all walked off one of them noticed that I was staying and turned and said he would stay to keep me company so I wasn't on my own - bless At the end of the night they all came over and kissed and hugged me and shook my OH's hand. Also all of his girlfriend's family said what a lovely polite boy ES is. So proud of him. He's not an angel but he is where it counts most. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
