Single hen

[kitbag]

Hi guys,

I just needed somewhere to write this down because i am hurt and confused.

 

I found out about a month ago that my friend was self harming. Me and some of my other friends used to get bullied quite badly at school, and she had it the worst. I was never physically hurt, whereas she was. This was in year 8, and i am now in year 11.

 

My friends parents didn't react too well to this and they ended up getting cross with her for it. This is what she said drove her to self harm the first time. None of us knew this at the time, and as a result she bottled it up, until it got worse and worse so she got addicted.

 

Then we went away together on a school trip to Belgium last year. Obviously she couldnt hide it so well there, because apparently she had to do it every day and we were sharing a bathroom. This is when she told me what she had been doing, and i helped her through it and we talked about it a lot. I told her that she had to tell her parents otherwise it was going to get worse, so she did. And it was the Easter holidays and they took all the bathroom doors off and her bedroom door. It nearly drove her mad, but it meant that she had to stop.

 

Until a couple of weeks ago and now she is hooked again. What do i do? It feels like i have done everything. I have offered to go to the doctors with her, but she said they will tell her parents. (thats what she is most scared of.) I have been with her to see our form tutor, because he used to be a counsillor, but he told her parents. I dont want to do nothing, because i'm scared that she will do something stupid. She has been talking a lot about commiting suicide lately and the thought of her doing that scares me silly.

 

I don't know what to do - she it one of my best friends, and she is putting herself in danger. I'm getting desperate.

 

Any advice would be much appreictated.

 

xxx

[Bantambabe]

Sounds to me like your friend needs specialist psychological help. You are right, you have done all you can, but that doesn't stop you wanting to do more. I would suggest the doctor again - patient/doctor discussions are confidential and the GP should be able to make contact with the right professionals.

 

You are being a great friend.

[kitbag]

Sounds to me like your friend needs specialist psychological help. You are right, you have done all you can, but that doesn't stop you wanting to do more. I would suggest the doctor again - patient/doctor discussions are confidential and the GP should be able to make contact with the right professionals.

 

You are being a great friend.

 

 

Her Mum wanted her to see some sort of mental professional, and i think that set her off again.

 

My form tutor also told her that for people 16 and under, the doctor would have to tell her parents. What an idiot.

[Geoid]

I would give childline a ring, its 100% confidential and they can put you through to professionals that will help your friend. Childline: 0800 1111

[kitbag]

Thanks Fred i might just do that.

[Couperwife]

unfortunately Kitbag, professionals have a moral obligation to speak to the parents.

 

it seems to me that your friends parents dont actually know what to do to help your friend.

 

the parents need to push for help for your friend and also help for themselves so they know what to do.

 

it must be really hard for all of you / them - I dont know what I would do if it were my daughter

 

 

(((hugs)))

 

cathy

x

[Guest]

Fred is right. Childline could be a help although you may have to hold for a while to speak to someone unless things have improved drastically in the last few years as they are underfunded and very well used. I know because I had a friend who used to call and hold whilst her daughter was sobbing and harming in the bathroom - daughter would talk to them but wouldn't sit and hang on to the phone.

 

Are there any other teachers YOU trust - TBH it sounds like her parents need to know as they will be able to push her to get help and watch her to make sure she doesn't carry out her threats. I also understand YOU need to remain her friend - which you wouldn't if she thought you'd "told" on her. A PE teacher perhaps - maybe one who could say she had seen marks or observed worrying behaviour from your friend???

 

As a teacher I know only too well just how stressfull the next few months are going to be for you and your friend and if she has the added problem bottled up she may not get through it. Better to see that she gets help before she ends up in trouble. Even if she messes up year 11 - exams can be re-taken.

[Looney]

Hi Kitbag,

 

Firstly, you are being a great friend.

 

I think there was something on This Morning last week (?) about self harming so perhaps you could look it up on the internet as they tend to have good links to people/organisations that can offer advice.

 

Sending you and your friend the very best wishes x

[bluekarin]

I'm really sorry to hear about your friend. Its a difficult situation for everyone to be in. Have you thought about contacting The Samaritans? I've just had a look at their website, and you can now email them if you don't want to phone (jo@samaritans.org). Childline is another good one for advice. I've also found this place http://www.thesite.org/healthandwellbeing/mentalhealth/selfharm

I hope this is of some help.

[kitbag]

Thanks for all your kind comments guys! It's really hard to be a friend that respects her wishes but that still does what's in her best interest. I've decided to keep an eye on her but that still doesn't help if something goes wrong whilst she's doing it or decided to ... You know what.

[Snowy]

Hi, so sorry to hear about your friends problems.

The main thing to understand about self harm is that it is a substitute for talking about problems. It gives temporary relief from the internal conflicts, but can get progressively worse as the resulting 'lift' lasts for shorter periods of time. Also, do take her talk of suicide seriously as she is in a high risk category Offering her the opportunity to talk is the best thing that you can possibly do for her. Encourage her away from alcohol, and encourage her to do activities that she finds enjoyable if you can.

 

Here are some more numbers:

Young Minds: http://www.youngminds.org.uk Tel:0207 3368445

Parents Information Service (part of Young Minds): 0800 0182138

 

YOUTH2YOUTH: http://www.youth2youth.co.uk Tel: 020 8896 3675

 

The Anti Bullying Campaign: http://www.bullying.co.uk Tel: 02073 781446

 

Samaritans: http://www.samaritans.org.uk Tel: 08457 909090

 

Whatever you do, remember: you can only do what you can do, ultimately YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THE ACTIONS OF OTHERS.

 

(((hugs))) it must be very hard for you, you are a very good friend to her xx

[Cinnamon]

I too have had some experience of teenage girls harming themselves.

I fear that it is sometimes seen as a cool thing to do.........................

Luckily, in our case, those friends who were sought to impress were seen for what they were & we got past it, as a family.

 

PM me Megan if I can help any more

[kitbag]

Thankyou Sarah - I might just do that!

[Ygerna]

Hi Megan

 

Sounds like both of you are having to face things that would push most people to their limits.

A couple of thoughts, when your friends parents took the doors etc off the last time, did your friend have any counselling, or medical support at all? If not, then their response was not going to be the 'cure', it would simply have pushed the urge away until they all thought it was over. The real cause of her self-harming would still have been there. Despite them having to speak to her parents I would urge her to see her GP and to get some medication and some support.

Secondly, is the bullying now under control? The schools have an obligation to respond to and deal with it. If you feel that it is not being dealt with then you can take it to the LEA, or even the police but it must be dealt with.

Finally, there is only so much you can do and you really must try not to try and do more than that because it will mean you push yourself too far and you will then you may end up being less support than you are at present.

 

I pray that you and your friend can find the inner strength to get through this,

 

Amanda

[Ain't Nobody Here]

Megan, I just want to wish you all the luck in the world dealing with this. You are a truly good friend.

[ClaireG]

I can't add to the excellent advice given but wanted to send you a ((hug)) and say well done for being such a good friend.

[kitbag]

Hi Megan

 

Sounds like both of you are having to face things that would push most people to their limits.

A couple of thoughts, when your friends parents took the doors etc off the last time, did your friend have any counselling, or medical support at all? If not, then their response was not going to be the 'cure', it would simply have pushed the urge away until they all thought it was over. The real cause of her self-harming would still have been there. Despite them having to speak to her parents I would urge her to see her GP and to get some medication and some support.

Secondly, is the bullying now under control? The schools have an obligation to respond to and deal with it. If you feel that it is not being dealt with then you can take it to the LEA, or even the police but it must be dealt with.

Finally, there is only so much you can do and you really must try not to try and do more than that because it will mean you push yourself too far and you will then you may end up being less support than you are at present.

 

I pray that you and your friend can find the inner strength to get through this,

 

Amanda

 

As far as I know, her parents just took the doors off and got angry if she brought the issue of her privacy up.

 

The bullying is now under control. The bullying that I recieved got dealt with straight away, but my friend's only just stopped after a major incident. One of the bullies kicked her ackilies (sp?) tendon which meant she had to have an operation. As far as I know that has stopped now.

[redhotchick]

Megan,

Is there a counselling/support group that you could ask your friend to go to with you?

If you put it to her that you wanted her support, rather than wanting her to go, she might be inclined to go.

If only there was a way of making people see that events in life that seem so difficult at the time will pass. There are always options, even though you may not be able to see them at the time. x x

[ChrisP]

Hey Megan,

 

I'm sorry to hear your friend's finding it tough at the moment. I had a friend who was severely self-harming from yr8-12 in school, and became addicted to it. She left school in year 12, last year, and stopped contact with all her friends

As others have said, teachers HAVE to tell her parents if they find out she is self harming, as do doctors if they believe the individual is at risk of harm.

Is there a teacher at school that her, or you and her, can go to and just talk about how she's feeling, whats bugging her, coping strategies etc?

School counsellors and mentors can be very useful in these circumstances (I've used them myself for this sort of thing), and as far as I know, they don't have to dicuss what you talk about with teachers, unless they believe you are at risk of harm (please correct me if I'm wrong!)

 

Do any of her other friends know she is self harming?

Does anyone "pick on her" because of this?

 

It's good that you are there for her to talk to, and support her. However, it is important that you do not let it get you down, and that there are people for you to talk to too. When my friend was self harmng there were only two of us who she would talk to, and would often tell us if we told anyone, she would do more self harm, or worse

It is important that there are people for YOU to talk to, as that can help to stop you from feeling the extra pressures of helping her and becoming stressed yourself.

 

It sounds like you are doing a fantastic job at being there for her and talking to her, you are a great friend!

 

Feel free to PM me if you need a chat

 

 

Edited for typos

[Joojoo]

Hi Megan

 

Unfortunately I haven't got any advice to offer you but I just wanted to say that you should be so proud of yourself for being such a good friend I hope that you find the time to talk to someone also, as all the worry must be having a huge impact on you too.

 

Love, Hugs & Best Wishes xx

[kitbag]

We sat down and had another chat today. She told me she wants to stop, but i can see that her eyes almost light up when she talks about it. I just dont know what to say to her, because i'm really happy with my life and i dont know how anybody could disrespect their body like that. I feel bad because i cant understand what she is going through.

[Guest]

Firstly don't feel bad - you are a young girl yourself you shouldn't need to understand what she is going through - you have sympathy and are trying to help.

 

Its very positive that she wants to talk about it - she clearly wants to find a way forward and that is such a positive step. Try childline - if she won't try them you can - they might have better advice for you than we do. Even us teachers and mothers here dont necessarily have experience of dealing with that kind of problem (although I seem to be a bit of a magnet for year 11 girls who are "late") All we can all say is that communication needs to happen in order for her to get help but we do totally apreciate the fear. Childline are professionals who offer help and confidenitallity. I know they helped my friends daughter when she was having trouble. I know talking to someone who will just listen can help - even if there is no help they can give (I once spent 2 hours on the phone to the Samaritans after my husband tried to kill himself).

 

Just by listening you are helping - and by posting here you are reaching out andtrying to do more. Keep positive for yourself.

[A chickychickychick-ENN!!]

Well done on being such a lovely caring friend. It sounds like her parents are struggling to communicate with her effectively. That's not to say they don't love her, but it can be really stressful living with someone who self harms, and the way they communicate with her - removing doors and the like, may be making things worse at home.

 

It may be worth asking your friend, or her parents if you are able to talk to them, if they have considered family counselling. Relate have excellent counsellors who may be able to help:

 

http://www.relate.org.uk/familylife/familycounselling/

 

It sounds to me like they need help from a number of directions - from the doctor to help with drugs and/or psychological help for your friend; support from the school to ensure your friend's needs are met there, and that someone in authority can keep a kind, firm eye on her; and as a family so they can communicate supportively when things are really rough, through an organisation like Relate.

 

But well done Kitbag, and keep posting on here if you need Omletty support.

 

A xx