4m x 3m Omlet pen, cube, new auto door still boxed and coop light

[Yorkshire Pudding]

Sorry about the length of this post but I really need to get this out of my system. I am seething and more than a little upset. Make a cuppa before you read on...

 

You may recall the thread about a difficulty with my cousin's inviting our children to her wedding.

 

The difficulty isn't that they weren't invited, it was that the suggested arrangements for the children were unsuitable and it was difficult to get that message across without hurting anyone's feelings. I tried hard to explain it nicely, and later found that all the other family members with children felt exaclty the same.

 

Well, the plot has thickened!

 

The invitations arrived on Monday. Adults names only, no mention of the children at all. My sister and I assumed 'Ah, she's decided not to invite the children, at least we can say no gracefully and send a nice gift'.

 

Yesterday a phone call from my aunt. 'Sorry for the mistake with the invitations, ha ha, we had a lovely time doing them but everyone makes the odd mistake, the children are invited to the service and the evening reception.' 'Oh,' says I, 'I didn't realise, the invitation didn't mention it at all'.

 

'Oh yes, we thought your OH and sister's OH would take them off to the seaside for the afternoon and have a lovely time, then come back for the evening.'

 

 

We don't mind that the kids aren't invited, that's fine (although the grooms family is smaller so two children on his side are going). To invite our husbands, who have been family members for 21 and 15 years respectively and are good friends with our whole extended family, on the proviso that they will disappear for the afternoon with the children and not attend the reception, that really gets my goat. OH's reaction is not repeatable on a family forum.

 

Amazingly my aunt also told my sister that she and I were the hardest people in the family to tell this.

Why? We have always got on very well, we don't bite, we aren't rude, and our feelings are vey hurt indeed by that comment.

 

What really grates is that our cousin herself has not once spoken to either of us, by phone or in person - I sat with her for two hours at her Mum's birthday party the other week, chatting away, and she said not a word.

 

Both my sister and I have organised our summer holidays around this wedding, we have been reminded of the date constantly since last July. I would normally be away for the two weeks either side of the day, so hadn't planned to go at all this year. We couldn't afford wedding outfits, gift, hotel accommodation etc. as well as a family holiday.

 

 

My sister is planning to refuse the invitation. To drive her husband and 3-year-old daughter on a 600 mile round trip, to NOT attend most of the event is unreasonable. Her daughter would need to go to bed a couple of hours after the start of the evening reception anyway.

 

I don't have the excuse of the distance, and I can't yet see how I can refuse gracefully, but I intend to have a blooming good try! Does anyone have virtual cake to hand?

[The Dogmother]

Oh Helen, can you phone the cousin who is getting married and explain the dilemma to her, so that if it really IS her decision, then you at least hear it straight from her?

 

Personally, I'd do that, then politely decline the invite.

 

Chin up; arrange something special for that day instead.

[Egluntyne]

I would politely decline too.

 

I know it is difficult to cater for extended family on these occasions, but the handling of this deoes seem crass.

 

I can understand your frustration.

[poachedegg]

I'm with Egluntine on this one.

[cordelia]

politely decline...Im with that too...

 

people are odd....imgaining you'd go to all the expense of travelling/staying/expenses etc just for your husband to disappear with the children...

 

we've been invited to one of my husbands cousins weddings in August....

we've been married 10 years, togther for over 11 yrs.and I've never met him...

 

although his mother says the invitation is for our children too, it just mentions us..and I wouldnt presume to take the girls on account of this. (ive mentioned previously his family dont know the meaning of invitations or rsvp) ..but we are going to decline anyway...not on that account..

 

I've never met them in all this time...and my husband cant even remember what he looks like...as obviously for at least 11 years he hasnt seen or heard of him either...

 

(its a shame I'd love to go to a wedding...any wedding...but I am rather too fat to be seen out in public anyway)

 

 

doubtless my MIL will be put out.(its her sisters son)..but who cares...they were rude to my widowed mum at my wedding, when my mum who hadnt met my husbands parents asked his Aunt if she was his mum, and was rudely told no...not pointed in the right direction....just ignored....horrid people...( they look like a bunch of rogues on my wedding photo's too....I should publish a pic, and you'll see what I mean.......sooo tempting )

[Seagazer]

I think I'd decline the invititation too. I can just imagine what my husband would say

[chickenanne]

H'mmm. I'm going to be unpopular, but waht I think is....

They obviously do want to include the kids and family as far as possible: I imagine the cost of the meal and limits on numbers mean they simply cannot invite all kids to the whole thing, so instead they want to invite kids to the ceremony and reception, which the most important bit (ceremony) and most child freindly bit (reception).

 

Given that that is the case, what can they do?

The original arrangements were for them to go to an unknown childminder for that slot in the middle of the day, which wasn't really on.

I actually think that suggesting perhaps one parent taking the kids for a nice time at local attraction (the beach) during the meal-and-speaches bit is not a bad attempt ata compromise. In the last post quite a few people suggested taking the kids to the ceremony, then "bunking off" for a fun afternoon/evening and coming back for the reception might be a good compromise.

 

Given that they can't afford /don't want /don't have space for all the kids from the side of the family with more people in it, what would you want them to do instead? Not invite the kids to any of it? Not invite anyone with kids?

 

I think saying that you were the most difficult to tell was perhaps meant as "we knew you'd be disappointed and we are sorry we just can't work it out in a better way, it's you and your sister we're most concerned about/most want to be there".

[Yorkshire Pudding]

I understand what you mean, Anne, and we do understand what they are trying to do. You can't please everyone... but what my Aunty said about us being the most difficult to tell wasn't at all in that context. It was more that we would be 'the most difficult' of the family members. That smarts rather a lot. I'm not difficult, I'm usually the person guilty of doing far too much to consider other people.

 

I feel that we aren't being allowed to make our own plan here. We are quite able to think up a solution and as you say the suggestion had already been made of taking off the kids for the afternoon. Does it make sense however that it would have been a last resort, certainly not an option for my sister and her OH, rather than an expectation which came along with the invitation? Also the fact that we have been involved in all the excited buildup to this event since it was first planned, discussed options for venues with our cousin at family gatherings (including that 'I really want all the family to be there') and we are now finding it very difficult not to hurt anyone's feelings.

 

The problem is that if we don't fit in with the solutions they keep suggesting, we are being 'difficult'. Hence I can't decline gracefully but am cast as being awkward and trying to cast a shadow over the day. I'm not, I'm really not... but I am rather hurt.

[cordelia]

you can decline...as much as you love them dont feel obligated...

 

Life is just too short....

[ChickenJo]

I think if they had just come right out and said what the problems were (probably as Anne has guessed) , then you wouldnt feel half as annoyed about it all

 

You would have felt that they were being honest with you, im sure you would have understood about the cost thing and you and your OH could have just sorted something out.

 

The thing is they didnt do that and they've gone all round the houses, upsetting people in the process.

 

I think i would decline as politley as possible, explaining that it isnt really possible for your husband to take the kids out for the afternoon.

[Dodge]

Tell them to get stuffed.......... We go as a family or not at all.

 

I can't understand what all the fuss is about getting married; spending thousands of pounds on one day and then 2 or 3 years down the road 2 out of every 3 marriages end up in divorce.

 

My advice is to spend your hard earned cash on your own family and have that nice holiday instead....

 

Don't let this wind you up or upset you anymore. Put you and your family first for a change

 

Life is too short, chances are it will be a c**p day anyway because all the guests with kids will be wound up before they even get there.

 

Kind regards

 

Dodge

[chickenanne]

I totally agree that the whole thing has been handled really badly. And I would be really hurt with the implication that I was being "awkward" if I were in your shoes.

 

I think your options are:

a) Decline politely. Personally, I wouldn't do this as it's likely to cause more ill-feeling amongst the familly. Unless you really don't want to go, of course!

b) Go, and take the kids somewhere else for the afternoon, either both your sister, yourself, and OH's, or just the OH's, but: whichever you and your sister would prefer, not what your cousin wants you to do.

 

Either way, if you possibly can, speak directly to your cousin and explain how what you're doing, why, and how the whole thing has made you feel. It'll make her understand your position, and make you feel better about it.

I would also be inclined to avoid buying outfits specifically for the wedding, and go for a less expensive wedding gift: something they will like, but that doesn't cost you so much that you no longer feel you can stretch to a familly holiday. To me, it's insane how much people pay for weddings and you shouldn'e be expected to jeopardise a holiday in order to attend - she is a cousin, not your sister/brother/best freind.

[Guest]

I do love a good rant. you rant away girl.

 

On the day of the wedding, and whilst it's in full swing, ring up the rectory and do a bomb scare That should put the mockers on it

[Redwing]

Tell them to get stuffed.......... We go as a family or not at all.

 

 

Dodge

 

I agree - its turning in to a farce, I don't know any cousin I would go through all this for.

 

Its become less about the decisions made and more about their obsessive control over the whole thing

 

Write a letter politely declining and gently explain your reasons for doing so

[The Dogmother]

I'm afraid that I have given up bothering with the 'problematic' members of my family and sticking with the ones that aren't so much trouble.... life is too short and I really can't be bothered with the hassle any more. I don't bother entering into any arguments, just decline any invites.

 

I am also wriggling out of a wedding that I'd rather not go to; The Boy's best mate is getting married. I love the groom, but his intended has always been an utter and undisguised moo to me (she sees The Boy as 'their property' as they've known him longer). I have politely declined. Boy will still go, Rosie and I shall have fun at home instead; rthere's no way I will spend a whole weekend having her being rude to me..

[Yorkshire Pudding]

I do love a good rant. you rant away girl.

 

On the day of the wedding, and whilst it's in full swing, ring up the rectory and do a bomb scare That should put the mockers on it

 

You are naughty, but that really tickles my funny bone.

 

Cousin is a music teacher and is arranging all sorts of musical interludes at the ceremony. Perhaps I should sneak in and re-tune the organ the night before. Or fill the bass pipes with talc. No, stop it, my wicked side is showing!

 

I'm afraid that I have given up bothering with the 'problematic' members of my family and sticking with the ones that aren't so much trouble.... life is too short and I really can't be bothered with the hassle any more. I don't bother entering into any arguments, just decline any invites.

 

I've never had a problematic family member before - ever. We have one Uncle who declines all invites, but he has Aspergers and it's his way of coping as he can't manage in busy or crowded places. We all understand that and still invite him to everything as a matter of course, he would be insulted not to receive an invitation.

 

I am also wriggling out of a wedding that I'd rather not go to; The Boy's best mate is getting married. I love the groom, but his intended has always been an utter and undisguised moo to me (she sees The Boy as 'their property' as they've known him longer). I have politely declined. Boy will still go, Rosie and I shall have fun at home instead; rthere's no way I will spend a whole weekend having her being rude to me..

Clare, I would decline that particular invitation too - no need to waste a weekend feeling unwelcome!

[Guest]

Joking aside, i would second that too. And save your money on a wedding present. I always think weddings can be such anal affairs, and can cause so much upset. We had a clinical team leader at work. Into amateur dramatics and doing pantomines etc. Her whole life was a pantomime. Stupid woman. She only invited some of the staff on the ward, rather than an open invite, and not surprisingly, it caused a divide. I'm glad i wasn't invited, because i wouldn't have gone anyhow. The whole thing was a sham from the start, despite having to hear about it practically every day for a whole year when the thing was planned in the first place! Got on my nerves. I heard she was considering having an affair a week before she got married! Someone from her amateur dramatics society. Mind you, nosey as i am, i had to go and have a look. She pulled up in this classic car, and anyone would have thought she was a celebrity the way she got out of that car. Made me want to vomit. So affected. That woman couldn't have looked pretty even if she tried, especially with those 'Buck teeth' of hers. It looked like Bugs bunny with a net curtain wrapped around his head.

 

The marriage didn't last. Six months later they were divorcing. Quell suprise.

[Saronne]

Weddings can bring out the worst in some people. I had a work colleague who invited half of the department to the wedding - even though we all got on with her really well - socially and professionally. Those who weren't invited felt really put out - but everyone was too polite to say anything about it and we were all still expected to contribute to an expensive gift!

 

It's a really difficult situation you're in , but your cousin (or someone pulling the strings) has handled it rather clumsily. I'd be tempted not to go either, and if I had the nerve, I'd tell her exactly why (politely, of course).

 

Saronne

[Willow]

Is it too late to book your holiday ? If your sister isn't going as well go on holiday. The closer you get the more you will mind missing your holiday for it.

 

I had arranged a holiday this easter, lots of checking of options/cost etc but just before I managed to confirm the booking SIL arranged christening for Easter Sunday and I was pressurised into doing that instead as she lives abroad the rest of the time (and OH doesn't 'do' holidays anyway). We're now at the time I would be going away and I am really cross with myself for giving in...

[Guest]

And you gave to the collection?! So would i..... and didn't. She knew exactly what i and a few others thought of her. Married again and pregnant now. God help us.

[Alis girls]

I wouldnt go, what if it rains - a wet day by the sea aint much fun if you've got tired kids with you and your sisiters is only 3. be intersting to see when your cousin has kids if things shift a bit

[Jillus]

I too would write a nice polite letter and tell them that you are unable to attend. You don't need to make up any excuses, just keep it short and sweet.

 

Spend all the money you save on a great holiday.

 

I went to a family wedding recently that I really didn't want to go for various reasons and at the end of the day spent a fortune flying down to London, money on a dress and al the otehr stuff and really did not have a good time.

 

Spend time with the people that matter most to you, your own lovely family.

[Janty]

To be honest, I wouldn't go either. Not because of the 'No children rule' as we did the same thing. You can't ask someone to a wedding without their partner and as others have said, the whole thing has been handled badly.

 

We had three couples who had children and we telephoned them personally to say that we were sending the invites out and hoped that they wouldn't be offended but we were not inviting children. They were understanding and said that they were going to take the opportunity to have a child free day and time to themselves. We had the whole day at St. Peters Brewery in Suffolk and people enjoyed the peaceful and relaxed atmosphere.

 

http://www.stpetersbrewery.co.uk/

[Nutmeg]

Yesterday a phone call from my aunt. 'Sorry for the mistake with the invitations, ha ha, we had a lovely time doing them but everyone makes the odd mistake, the children are invited to the service and the evening reception.' 'Oh,' says I, 'I didn't realise, the invitation didn't mention it at all'.

 

'Oh yes, we thought your OH and sister's OH would take them off to the seaside for the afternoon and have a lovely time, then come back for the evening.'

 

Oh dear, she really is turning this into a game. She has laid down her rules for the wedding i.e. no children (fair enough, it is their wedding) and yet she seems unable to accept people's response to this, i.e. thank you but we will have to decline, so she then changes the rules, by presuming your OH and sister OH can go to the seaside........and all the while cleverly wording it so that it looks like such a fantastic idea that how could you possibly refuse!!

 

You have to give her 10 out of 10 for manipulative effort

 

On this alone I would politely decline, it really feels like you are being played.

 

Amazingly my aunt also told my sister that she and I were the hardest people in the family to tell this.

Why? We have always got on very well, we don't bite, we aren't rude, and our feelings are vey hurt indeed by that comment.

 

Now this is definately her 'stuff'. I would reply with "How very sad that YOU felt it so difficult to tell us, this is a surprise to us as we have always got on very well with the family."

 

Save your energy for those that matter and book your holiday with you family.

[Looney]

This is a tough one. Mainly because doing what you would like, doing what is possible and doing anything without upsetting someone can't all be achieved at the same time!

 

I think the suggestion that the OHs take the kids to the beach is upsetting as it was someone elses suggestion so smacks of them not being welcome.

 

As others have suggested, I would speak to your cousin directly. Say you are a bit hurt that they haven't come to you directly but have an honest conversation about the to-ings and fro-ings of the day.

 

I have declined wedding invites, even if Bogwoppit was invited, as it just didn't feel right to accept - sort of a gut feeling. And on each occasion I was relieved I did. One, an outdoor wedding, was on a day that absolutely poured down with rain and the other he was ill on that day. Phew! Go with your gut feeling xxx