4m x 3m Omlet pen, cube, new auto door still boxed and coop light

[Chucky Mama]

I am sooo cross My daughter has a good friend whose life is falling apart as her mother

1/ Asked husband to leave 3 years ago (can as huge surprise to him)

2/ Went on long term sick and then lost job

3/ Has frittered away all of joint life savings

4/ Is drinking

5/ Is spending money that she doesn't have like water (daughter has 2 horses costing over £5,000 each, other child been ski ing, new car, new furniture etc, foreign holidays, new puppies etc etc

6/ Getting into big fights with her girls one of which is wearing shoes she was given by us and PE kit that she stole from my daughter (annoying but I can understand why)

 

Myself and another friend keep trying to help but she is living is some sort of fantasy world and wont admit that she has a problem. She is very good a 'faking' normality for onlookers and so sadly are her girls.

 

She asked me to get some things for her and as I had been caught out once before when she kept 'forgetting' to give me the money (I ended up paying for it myself) I got a cheque off her before I gave her the stuff. Just had it returned this morning as it bounced

 

Don't get me wrong I am trying my best to be supportive but I feel that this is just too much. Especially when I hear some of the crazy things going on re her spending. Her husband is also in denial. I tried to speak to him a few weeks ago to say that I felt that she was not in a good place and that he girls needed help but he is choosing to turn a blind eye even though he 'still loves her and wants her back'.

 

Sorry, it's a rambling rant but I just despair. I don't know where all this is going to end.

Edited July 10, 2009 by Guest

[Egluntyne]

I would cut this person out of your life. You have been helpful and supportive and she has metphorically slapped you in the face for it....twice.

 

Is the money a small enough amount for you to write off? If it isn't......send her a letter before action detailing the debt and giving her a date by which she has to pay it.

 

Has she already got CCJ's?....it might be worth checking, because if she has,....another one won't bother her in all likelihood. **Click**

 

If not, and the amount is worth persuing, take her to the Small Claims Court. Will cost you

£60 and you can do it online. Click

 

Good Luck. What a shame that you have been put in this position.

[Chucky Mama]

I would cut this person out of your life. You have been helpful and supportive and she has metphorically slapped you in the face for it....twice.

 

I think that you are right. I hate to walk away when I can see someone that has pressed the self destruct button but they wont take help or advise. I have left a message on her answer phone saying that I need the cash asap and if need be I will ask her husband to pay me. Previously I was embarrased to keep asking but now I am just mad.

 

I think I will speak confidentially to one of the girls to say that if ever she needs help that I am there but I am going to wash my hands of all dealings with her.

[Old Speckled Hen]

I think you should walk away from her and the debt.

How easy is it going to be to get the money back? Are you going to waste time and effort doing so? Given her record is recompense a realistic outcome?

[Tiggy]

she sounds as if she needs professional help but I agree with the other posts you have done all you can

[Snowy]

Oh my goodness, what a mess Sound advice from Egluntine re the debt.

It sounds like the classic behaviour of an alcoholic, in denial of a problem and will never learn as long as there are others around to 'help'.

It is the children I feel sorry for - is there any way you can still be supportive to them without actively helping Mum?

[Guest]

Either cut your losses or deal with it as mentioned as she will look for the next person to get the handouts from..she needs to be stopped

 

Not such a great friend...you cant fund her lifestyle they sound like they need a reality check

 

good luck

[BeckyBoo]

I agree, sounds like a nightmare and I think all you can do is tell her daughter you are there if she needs you but that you have to walk away. The womans behaviour sounds appalling, maybe she has bipolar, might explain the innappropriate spending? Also if she is at school then maybe mention it to school, the poor child must be living in hell, imagine having to keep up that sort of pretence to all your friends when being "one of the crowd" can be so important anyway.

 

Good luck

 

BeckyBoo

[Chucky Mama]

I am still fuming that she has put me in this position. I will phone her estranged husband if I don't get a swift response from her. He has his head firmly in the sand. I have been loosing sleep worrying about her kids whilst he appears to be sleeping soundly. It's not on. I backed away from her last summer when I felt that I was facilitating her behaviour. The last dealing before this that I had with her was when I had to collect her from the hospital after she 'passed out' on the motorway. I think that she is an alcoholic. I will keep in touch with things via my daughter and her friendship with her daughter but I will get the money and then walk away from her. She wont seek help until she admits that she needs it and I think that could be some time

[BeckyBoo]

Please speak to school though, this woman sounds as though she needs help and even if your sympathy and patience with her has understandably run out, her poor children are living with this every day. If their Dad won't help them and their mother can't then the authorities will have to step in, maybe that will give her the kick up the bum she needs and give her children some sense of stability.

 

BeckyBoo

[AJuff]

Poor you and you are being so supportive too. These things happen and sometimes as much as we like to help we can't help. Like you say she needs to accept there is a problem before she can move on. I would start slowly backing off and allow space between you. If she asks you to buy something again just say NO!

 

Alcohol does such damage. . . i know as my sister is alcohol dependent and is hitting the self destruct button. I feel i can't help her just now other than listen.

 

Stay positive, the situation will resolve itself eventually.

[fluffyfeet]

Oh dear - this is screaming mental health problem to me, possible breakdown on the horizon.

 

I went a bit bonkers when my marriage and the best job I ever had dissolved within the space of 4 weeks back in '93.

 

Even though I had made the decision to end the marriage I still ended up doing some stupid things, blowing my redunancy, savings, overdraft, and then some, and drinking to sleep each night.

 

I became so embarassed by what I had done I felt I couldn't shout 'help' - thank goodness my parents bought me back, both mentally and financially.

 

It may seem drastic and I don't know the ages of her girls, but she might need a spell 'away' from things where she will have access to professional help.

 

Dawn x

[Chucky Mama]

I keep thinking she will seek help but she keeps making 'new starts' which last a few days and then it is back to 'normal'. Last summer when she was abroad with a friend, another friend went in to her house as was left a key and cleaned the place from top to bottom. It was like a 'How Clean Is Your House' with dog poo, filth and empty bottles everywhere. She apparently cried when she got back and made another new start. It is back to filth now.

 

I went in a couple of years ago to speak to a responsible member of staff about how things were and they have been monitoring and supporting without letting on that they have been told. At the time when they mentioned involving social services I said that I thought that it would be counterproductive but a few month ago when reporting in to the school I said that if they had any concerns they should contact them.

 

Whilst on a ski trip (that she shouldn't have been able to afford) the younger child broke down with my daughter and said how she hated her life The rest of the time she thinks that she hides it but I can tell from her behaviour that she is suffering.

 

I think that the mother has always had this potential but her estranged husband's influence has kept her stable. I am sure that she is an alcoholic. I dont know anything about bipolar.

 

We have recently had a new vicar and I wonder if they may be a good port of call.

 

My worry is that I dont know how low she can safely go.

[Plum]

How sad, I agree she needs help but not the kind that solves her problems for her, she has to change and I guess there is some big underlying problem that kicked all this off and unless she can deal with that she'll not start coming up again. She obviously wants to change but is too ill to sustain it. I feel she needs mental health help, counselling or other help. I have no idea how you get someone to get it who's not ready.

 

Feel for children who are going to need lots of support while she's going through all this perhaps approaching the school will trigger access to support for them.

 

She's got 2 horses and they cost lots to keep so she must have good income or maintenance from ex OH so I think you can go ahead and get your money back if you can take the stress but remember all this is her problem not yours and its your decision how involved you get.

[Chucky Mama]

she actually has a mixture of 7 horses and ponies all in rented stables. The cash that she frittered away was intitially from joint savings. She spent it so that she could then qualify for benefit! Now she has the habit but not the cash. Ex husband has had to step in to pay for the horses after bouncing cheques and daughter has said that her mum has spent £1000 of savings that she had from inheritance that she was left. It really is car crash stuff. The GP has said that she has ME. I am afraid if she has ME I am a monkeys uncle. They have treated her for depression but it would appear that the drinking has got past them. Plus drinking and her meds combined have made her balloon. She is often slurring and inhoherent. She phoned one day to say that a car had pulled up outside and stolen her dogys. 1 hour later she said that it came back and dumped them.

[Happy-Mama]

It sounds like you are in a awful position and the GP was very unhelpful. If she will not admit she has a drinking problem I am not sure there is much you can do as you cannot force an alcoholic to get help, though this is all extremely unfair on her children and on you. I'm not sure what is best for you to do next maybe it would be worth trying to talk to her ex again as he is the children's father and hopefully will want to help them at least

[craftyhunnypie]

It's time to be cruel, to be kind. Be ruthless & heartless - literally! She is taking you for a mug - please please turn your back on her & walk away! She is no friend!

 

Good luck.

 

Emma.x

[Chucky Mama]

Finally have a result! Got no response from letter or phone message so lay in wait outside her house today when I knew she was on her way home. Got out of her car all bright and breezy and handed me the cash. Barely an apology. I am now washing my hands and staying well clear

[Olly]

Phew, glad you got the cash back. I'm sorry for her children, but nothing more you can do really - she needs to sort herself out.

[Egluntyne]

I'm glad you have got the money owed to you.

 

You have done all you can to help her. Well done. Until she is ready to accept that she has a problem, you can do no more.

[Happy-Mama]

that's fantastic that you got the money back, awful that you were put through so much hassle to get it tho...

[Valkyrie]

Good for you. I wonder who she owes now? You are wise to leave well alone. It is such a pity it got like that though. She has lost a good friend.