4m x 3m Omlet pen, cube, new auto door still boxed and coop light

[alih]

feel that the early years are the easy ones? having always been quite a chilled out and confident mum, despite being on my own for most of the young years, I now find myself full of anxiety about my 2 teenage girls. They are loved, safe, bright, well-educated, healthy, loving, articulate, listend-to girls but I find I am much more concerned about whether I make the right judgement call about all sorts of things...sex, drink, friendships, money, school etc. I also feel constant awareness of how little time I have left with them and find myself becoming ridiculously sentimental at the drop of a hat!

I never used to question myself this much and never thought of myself as a worrier and am not remotely sentimental usually...so please, those of you who have teenagers or who have had them, tell me I am not losing my mind and that this is normal for a mum at this stage!

[bellekatz]

Me too Ali! My eldest is now 16 going on 17 ( as in the song!!) and the other day she asked how old she had to be before her boyfriend could stay over!! My response was "I'll have to discuss this with dad" (who was in the middle east at the time) so it has been put off for a while longer tho I know she won't forget.............

 

I know she is not planning Uni in manchester and is off to India for a month next summer with World Challenge - where does the time go? It is hard to see sometimes that your lovely little girl is nearly a grown woman............

[Patricia W]

You're normal! When they are little you are the one making the decisions; when they are older, you have to help them make the decisions - much harder. I hate to tell you, but if you're like me you'll still be worrying about them when they are in their 30's!

 

I found it was helpful to talk things through with friends who had children the same age. Then I discovered we were all in the same boat. Welcome on board!

 

Tricia

[Ain't Nobody Here]

I know exactly what you mean . You think it's difficult having little ones then you have teenagers and you yearn for the easy days of toddlerhood . I have two boys but the principles are the same, I'm sure!

 

I'm ridiculously happy that ES wants to go to Uni in Edinburgh and live at home. I can't bear the thought of him leaving home . (Knowing my luck though he'll be here till he's 35 .)

 

I think half the problem is that although they can listen to us and our advice, ultimately they can do what they like .

[purple hen]

You summed it up beautifully, thats just how I feel.

[alih]

oh thanks guys..Jayne, I know just how you feel about the staying over questions - helena is only 15 1/2 but she has asked loads about what she can do before she's 16 (!! ) - she knows as a lawyer I know the exact answers - and my husband's eyes pop out of his head!

 

I see so many girls at work who are not much older than her and in terrible trouble, and feel that the line between getting it right and making a huge mess is so very fine...

 

I guess I have to be glad that they talk about these things. They are still so very young...did anyone read the Jenni Murray article about children leaving home? very poignant and funny at the same time - talked about lying on her son's bed when he left home, sobbing into his teddies! i see myself there already.

[ChrisP]

can I just say from a teenagers perspective, its nice to see she can talk to you about things like that

[alih]

thanks, Chrisp - teenagers' perspectives are most welcome!!!

[bluekarin]

My ED is 12 so not quite a teen in age (in attitude however . . . ) , but I worry about what things will be like for her as she gets older and more independent. I think back to how I was as a teen and I just shudder with what she could get up to . I also got quite teary when I think about loosing the closeness we have and about her not sharing her thoughts and worries with me and sharing with her friends instead. It suddenly hit me one day earlier this year and I was almost in tears. My friend said its an apron string moment when you have to let go but it is much harder than I ever thought possible. I think it's also to do with the fact I didn't really think about this part of her growing up as you tend to obsess with the baby, potty training and starting school stages so much that the teenage bit gets a bit forgotten about. That is until you are thrown into the deep end.

 

So, I don't think you are alone in how you're feeling. Sending you some ((((hugs))))

[alih]

funny isn' t it that there is so much talk/ literature about baby- rearing and little children that as you say, we almost assume that by the time they are teens we will have it all sussed....if only!

[jlo]

I sometimes think that, if we were forced to take a test before we could have children, there would be very few kids around!

 

It is part of the territory that we worry that we are doing the wrong thing. I know exactly where you are coming from Alih as I also see kids in a lot of trouble. A lot of them are from families that I have known for some time and you just know that it is almost inevitable that they will end up in Court. Others are from loving, supportive homes and something has just gone slightly wrong .....I can't help thinking, "that could be me at the back of the court, in tears, wondering where I have gone wrong!"

 

As we continue to tell our children, we can only do our best!

[alih]

Jlo you are so right - i am becoming more upset internally by what I see in court- I had a client the other day whose mum is a probation officer and sat bawling in court at the first hearing. It broke my heart as I thought - there but by the grace of god...the job definitely doesn't help!!

[Janty]

I worry about my son's independence. I want to give him more but at the same time, he is autistic and although he appears just like every other teen, he can't cross a road, has no spacial awareness of traffic, etc. I try to sign him up for trips, etc to help him and his school are excellent in giving him extra responsibility even though he doesn't always get it right (who does) but I do worry about getting the balance right. At the moment he wants to walk home from the coach stop when he gets dropped of in the evenings. However, he was walking with hubby last week and walked out in front of a car.

 

Last time we saw the specialist I ended up a blubbering wreck.

 

[laurmurf]

I felt so lost when my darling ED, the Lurker, hit 15 that i did a 'Raising Teens' parenting class; having felt like I'd just got the hang of them up to that point! She'll possibly admit it herself, but she did give me hell (of a minor kind in reality) when she hit 15... and it lasted about 18 months. YD is now nearly 16 and is doing it differently but still causing me some concern. The boys at 13 are absolutely different again.

 

I can so connect with what you've posted, alih - thanks for putting it into words!

[alih]

it's good to know am not the only one to feel like a gibbering wreck after years of confidence and calm!!!

[Egluntyne]

I'd rather pace the floor with a screaming baby at midnight than pace the floor with worry at 2am wondering where my sweet and precious teenager is, any day. All a rite of passage, for both parent and child, and never easy.

 

Come next month my baby will be 20.

[alih]

gosh, Egluntine, you are out the other side!!!! Well done you for surviving!

[Egluntyne]

I'm a gibbering wreck though!

[ChrisP]

By the sounds of it everyone's doing fine as parents of teenagers

 

I have a couple of friends who have done the whole 'not letting parents know where they are' thing which has left their parents up at 2 worrying about them, and the whole 'staying at bf/gf cos parents wont let them stay' thing, but I dont seem ot have gone through that phase yet

 

Just think, when you're finding it hard, my best friends mum once said "when I'm the grandmother, I'm gonna be able to watch you with YOUR teenagers".

[abwsco]

Dare I put my hand up and say I don't feel like that. Although it's not been smooth sailing with youngest DD and her teenage tantrums I just see it as another stage in their journey through life, if that makes sense.

[alih]

I agree, Scrambled, that talking is a good thing! It sounds as though you have a great family! I trust my kids but worry sometimes about whether I'm getting it right! My girls are like you in that they are really open, which is good for us oldies to know!

[Cinnamon]

Its a huge learning curve,isn't it?

 

And when you have more than one child,you are also aware that whatever decision you make for child 1 has a knock on effect for child 2 too, so you need to get it right (in your eyes) & stick to it.

 

My eldest has had a boyfriend now for 15 months, & I have made a really big effort to keep to doors of communication wide open, however uncomfortable it can be sometimes.

I know how far things have gone,I keep condoms in the house & she has been to see the Doctor about more contraception.

Can't say I am 100% happy, but I am happy that they are being safe.

 

A friend of mine was horrified recently that I have such a 'relaxed' attitude to it all & said that I should not be encouraging them to have sex

I told her that I am encouraging them to have SAFE sex, & assuming that they will have sex anyhow

Haven't heard from her since - fine by me!

 

As for alcohol, well once again I know that there will be a time when they are out & alcohol is around, so I reckon that I would rather they know the effects it has in a controlled environment.

There is a strict no alcohol during the week rule, & even at weekends its very occassional & one only...usually those Bacardi Breezers or something.

 

I grew up in a nightclub & my folks were relaxed about it. so maybe that is why I am too ?

 

Uni has been on my mind too, since its only a couple of years away.

[alih]

I'm with you Cinammon on both fronts, but my OH is much less relaxed about both. You are right about the littlies though - my 2 littlies watch with eyes wide open and hear all the dinner table talk, so are already aware of the topics that preoccupy teenage girls!!

[Alis girls]

Thanks for posting this, I was going to post a thread re anxiety etc generally, I have a 13 yr old boy who is lovely - sensible bright and loving with the odd strop. I worry about him and younger brother who is 8 and far more difficult. My main worry is being an older mum (47) of dying before they reach adulthood. I'm not morbid but several mums at school have died or faced cancer scares and a mum of a football mate died recently. I wish I'd had my children 10yrs earlier. OH lost his mum at 42 (he was 19 brother was 10) my mum died at 56 (I was well in my 30's) . Silly I know - I will add as many of you know I am a depressive on meds long term ( what Trisha Goddard calls a smiling dperssive) who gets on with life but has dark moments. I worry about everything especially bullying, knife crime etc. Your girls sound lovely and the fact you talk is good. ES asks us everything - from sex to girlfriends wich is good. Not sure if YS will be so good. Keep smiling - you are not alone

[Guest]

I was so distressed with my eldest, who at 16 suddenly thought she was adult. Prior to that she had been a stay-at-home teenager, didn't go out or have boyfriends. It was all so sudden and such a shock. She was very good at coming home (last bus at 11:10pm) after initial rows and I'm sure others would think her behaviour very mild and not a problem. I however was in a terrible state, not knowing where to set boundaries or how to deal with it all properly. I still feel that by talking about it, which I needed to, I was betraying her privacy. She's still not the easiest and gets herself in terrible mix-ups with boyfriends, but now she's 20, I have to let her lead her life.

 

Second daughter has been just right in my opinion. She is 17 and has a group of friends she goes out with. They go to comedy shows and TV recordings etc and this year spent a week at the Edinburgh Fringe. There are no boyfriends as such, no issues with alcohol or sex and she is getting excellent results at school. At the same time she is having fun and venturing slowly and safely into the adult world. I am so lucky (so far!) with her.

 

Third daughter is 14 and quite moody. I think she might be like her eldest sister. Then I have a son and I hope I don't treat him any differently.

 

I totally agree with you alih. There is little guidance for parents of older teens and it is very difficult to know what to do. I always have 3 questions: Where are you going? Who are you going with? When will you be home?

 

Keep working at it!