Solitary chicken - need advice

[Chickendoodle]

Last Christmas my step daughter gave me a present which was a charity donation to help build a well somewhere.

 

I feel quite uncharitable saying this but I object to being given a donation. The only person who feels good about it is the person giving it. She put no thought into the gift as to what I would like. There are a number of charities that I actively support and I would have been happier for a donation to have been made to one of them in my name. On the other hand I would have been much happier with £1 spent on something that she knew I would like that a bit of thought had gone into and then she could have made her own donation to charity

 

She is not little by the way, she is 36! This year her Christmas list, as usual, consisted of material things for herself. Where was the - please can you give some money to a charity in my name? I said to my OH that we should spend half the money on her and the other half to charity but I couldn't do it as it seems so mean.

 

As I say, I do actively support my own chosen charities so please don't think I don't approve of giving, I just object to the motive behind the "gift". Are we supposed to think, gosh, you are such a good person that you gave to a charity? It seems a very self serving present to me.

 

Sorry, rant over!

[debbier]

I totally agree.

 

I think they are very naff presents, unless they have been specifically asked for by the receiver.

[Old Speckled Hen]

My DH's 7 siblings have been given a bottle of home made sloe gin or vodka, some choccies, a packet of sunflower seeds and Oxfam chickens.

These are all people who have most things they need. I don't see anything wrong in giving this type of gift. It does put the "grossness" aspect of Christmas giving into some perspective, I think.

[Lesley]

I think they are a good addition to a small gift chosen thoughtfully but I would always ask the intended recipient if they have a favourite charity.

 

We buy one of the items from World Vision, as a family - we choose between us. We buy something like "Buy a Bog" or a bike for a midwife. We then keep presents between us fairly small and affordable.

 

I would have gone for the half present/half donation option for your daughter this year as well.

[Egluntyne]

My sister and I always exchange these sort of presents ( plus a carefully chosen stocking filler), and I have given them at special birthdays etc.....but as you say, only when the recipient specifically asks for them for a charity of their choice.

[Couperwife]

I agree with what has been said, as part of a gift, yes, as a main gift, I dont think thats fair really

 

I would also have done the same back to stepdaughter, and added with a look of "but I thought you loved the idea of these as I got one last year "

 

hmmm, difficult situation

 

cathy

x

[Cinnamon]

I don't think I would like to be given one of those,unless the sender had asked me what I would like to give in the first place

 

That said,it shows a bit more imagination than just giving money as a gift,I suppose

[laurmurf]

I regularly give these presents - especially to children.

 

It's exactly because of the 'grossness' of Christmas that I do so: thanks for the quote OSH . A few years ago I got very 'bah humbug' about it all - buying presents for lots of children who have absolutely everything and who value nothing, ticking off items on their Christmas lists. I felt trapped in the cycle of giving because it was expected and spending money I resented. Then i found out about Oxfam's presents and I haven't looked back.

 

It is selfish, in that it gives me back a sense of giving something of value to someone. I also don't feel that my spending is 'wasted' money, casually rejected and soon to end up in landfill. I'm hoping it gives back some sense of both the gross wealth we enjoy in developed nations and the basic needs of the developing nations.

 

Oxfam chickens have been 'given' to lots of people I love this year, along with a hamper of home made goodies for the grown ups and little presents for the children. But more importantly, to me, is that Oxfam chickens are being given to people I don't know but wish well to and to whom it will make a huge difference

 

sermon over!

 

btw, my kids saved up, pooled their resources and gave me a goat last year - I couldn't have been happier!

[Willow]

I would be happy unless it's a charity I don't believe in (not sure what that would be but it's possible). I am very keen on charities that help the developing world in a practical way

 

I would find it particularly acceptable if accompanied by small considered personal present such as homemade edible item (especially biscuits )

[debbier]

If you do want to give to charity then, for me, that is a very personal decision and choice.

 

If you spent, say, £25 on an Oxfam unwrapped present, then why not just give the recipient £25 cash and let them make up their own mind as to whether they donate it to charity, or buy something they want? Otherwise, why is it any different to the buyer making a personal donation to charity?

 

Again, it's a different matter entirely if it's been asked for, or an ongoing arrangement between a family etc. I'm all for it then.

 

At two ends of the age spectrum:

 

A friend of my son's wanted an Oxfam unwrapped present as a donation from her friends for her sixteenth birthday. They clubbed together to buy her a condom package, as they didn't have enough for a camel. I hope her parents appreciated the irony!

 

My grandma always asks for no gifts, but for a donation to be made to her local children's hospice. She is over a hundred now, and figures she doesn't need any more nick-nacks

[Patricia W]

I would rather be given a gift that is helping others in a developing country than have a great deal of money spent on me for something I don't need. ( How many boxes of toiletries can one person use???? And I don't eat chocolate - well, not that much... )

 

It shows the spirit of Christmas is not lost.

 

But I would not buy this for others unless I was sure they would appreciate the thought behind it.

 

Tricia

[C&T]

Interesting question.

 

I think I agree, as part of a gift, and given with something that is personal then great or if the person requests it. Or if it is relevant in someway - i.e. someone who wants chickens but can't keep them for some reason, could be a bit of a joke, and someone somewhere is benefiting.

 

But by themselves, and with no context, think they say "I couldn't be bothered to think of anything, so here you go, have this".

[Chickendoodle]

I think it also was that she said she couldn't think what to get me so she did the charity thing. I found that quite hurtful as I am not materialistic and would have been happy with a carefully chosen tea towel or something similar and then she could have given the rest of the money to charity

 

I felt a bit snubbed to be truthful - she only has her Dad, Brother and my 2 daughters as family to buy for and she couldn't be bothered to think about what I would like.

 

We get on pretty well generally - I have been her stepmother for over 20 years (her mother died when she was 12) and I put a lot of thought into what to get for her. She always sends an extensive list but I hate being predictable and not making an effort so I always get something not on her list that I think she would like (generally quite successfully). She is also the only vegan in the family and I always make sure that she is not left out and she has a home cooked nut roast for christmas lunch as I am a bit of a "if its not cooked from scratch its no good" sort of person.

 

You lovely omleteers who are giving the donations as gifts seem to be doing it for all of the right reasons, not because you can't be bothered!

 

I would have felt less hurt if she had given donations for everyone instead of buying presents, but I was singled out as the one she made no effort for!

 

Hey ho!

[docsquid]

I absolutely love to receive these presents, and do not mind if the charity is one that I support, or one that the giver supports. The point is that somebody who really needs something now has that thing that can change their lives. It has made me feel great to know that somebody has been helped, and it makes the giver feel great that somebody has been helped.

 

It is a win-win situation, "Ooops, word censored!"ody loses. However I DO always select something that the receipient would like e.g. my BIL likes cycling, so I give a bicycle. This year a lot of chickens have been given as all my family are amused by ours.

 

If it makes people think just for one second about how incredibly fortunate we are in this country, and how very much we have in comparison with most people in the World (even those of us short of money and without jobs), then that is good. It takes some of the gross materialism out of Christmas.

 

I would much rather receive a charity donation than anything else for Christmas.

[A chickychickychick-ENN!!]

I have been given chickens, bees and measles by my step-sister.

 

I think they're great. I get a warm glow knowing that not only are these great 'pets' as I would see them, but they are the difference between a child eating or going to school, or not, once they have eggs and honey to sell. I preferred chickens and bees to measles, but I did enjoy saying 'I got given measles for Christmas by my stepsister.'

 

I love getting presents, but I think it would be a bad reflection on me if I was disappointed, given I have so much, to begrudge a dirtpoor family something cool.

 

But then if the motive of the giver was holier-than-thouness or middle-class guilt-purchasing rather than 'wow, this is an excellent idea' cool, then I'd hate them for being so smug, probably.

 

I also hate charity goats. Goats are a stupid charity gift because they help destroy what little soil is left for growing crops in very poor countries.

 

This year, we're not doing presents for anyone outside of the pair of us at all. And I have to say, despite early December trepidation, I am LOVING the feeling of lightness it gives. The focus is back on spending time with people rather than spending a small fortune on tat for people and it's feeling great.

[Willow]

I think it also was that she said she couldn't think what to get me so she did the charity thing. I found that quite hurtful as I am not materialistic and would have been happy with a carefully chosen tea towel or something similar and then she could have given the rest of the money to charity

 

Although I'd be happy to receive this sort of gift I can quite see why you feel hurt. If she was doing a charity donation for you she should have done the same for her father and thought about what charity you would support. Doing it because you can't be bothered to think is wrong.

[Lesley]

I would have felt less hurt if she had given donations for everyone instead of buying presents, but I was singled out as the one she made no effort for!

 

Hey ho!

 

That does put it into context doesn't it! It would have felt completely different if she had made donations for everyone. I can quite understand you feeling as you do.

 

Let's hope this year there will be a gift, if not perhpas you could choose a quiet time after Christmas and tell her that while you appreciate the thought you also feel a bit left out as you are the only one not to receive a gift and ask her if she finds you difficult to buy for? Perhpas you should compile your own Christmas list - with charity of your choice at the top??

[BarbaraJ]

I think it depends who its from to be honest. Each year we meet all the in laws at mil's house. 4 sibling and partners and 5 kids and MIL. MIL gets a decent gift (hubby gets nice 1 back i get totally un thoughful gifts ) the children get gifts but the adults exchange bottles of wine or chocolates. This year i had had enough of swapping the same things seems so pointless so bought oxfam chickens and made some lovely wrapped florentines to give with them . Most of them probably won't appreciate either gift but i would rather spend my money on people that would appreciate it and added the biscuits to make me feel better lol just hope they don't go in the bin

[Chickendoodle]

[quote name="Lesley

 

 

Let's hope this year there will be a gift' date=' if not perhpas you could choose a quiet time after Christmas and tell her that while you appreciate the thought you also feel a bit left out as you are the only one not to receive a gift and ask her if she finds you difficult to buy for? Perhpas you should compile your own Christmas list - with charity of your choice at the top??

[/quote]

 

Nice idea but you can't make someone more thoughtful than they are! Will just have to grin and bear it

[Guest]

hmmm, have to agree with you. Seems out of order when she's treating herself to material gifts. She could have bought you something small at least to go with the donation. The charity should at least be one you have connection with! She does seem quite thoughtless but don't let it spoil your Christmas

[Sheilaz]

I absolutely love to receive these presents, and do not mind if the charity is one that I support, or one that the giver supports. The point is that somebody who really needs something now has that thing that can change their lives. It has made me feel great to know that somebody has been helped, and it makes the giver feel great that somebody has been helped.

 

It is a win-win situation, "Ooops, word censored!"ody loses. However I DO always select something that the receipient would like e.g. my BIL likes cycling, so I give a bicycle. This year a lot of chickens have been given as all my family are amused by ours.

 

If it makes people think just for one second about how incredibly fortunate we are in this country, and how very much we have in comparison with most people in the World (even those of us short of money and without jobs), then that is good. It takes some of the gross materialism out of Christmas.

 

I would much rather receive a charity donation than anything else for Christmas.

 

May I echo this post, it expresses my view exactly.

Although I was concerned the first time I gave an Oxfam Unwrapped gift to people who wouldn't be expecting it, and the recipients looked bemused, I'm still glad that I did.

 

Working for Oxfam, may I assure you that I see a lot of thought going into these purchases, people are not doing it for themselves & the bog/goat/market stall etc are always chosen with care.

I love seeing what people choose.

[craftyhunnypie]

I personally don'tlike these gifts! My opinion only of course..but how do you know for sure that these things are being bought & provided? I would much prefer to give money to a specific charity, or go to a country & whilst I'm there literally buy someone something useful. My mum & dad bought a family some bags of grain etc when in Kenya. I much prefer that sort of thing.

 

I don't like these cards with you have been bought an immunisation etc.

 

Emma.x

[Guest]

no offence to anyone here but most of you are looking at this from your own point of view but I do think, in chickennoodle's case, she's got a point given the circumstances she has described.

 

charity gifts are a good idea, i think we're all agreed on that one, but in this case, given the circumstances, i think a little more thought could have been called for. i think she knows her stepdaughter better than we do after all.

 

Of course, it is entirely possible that she was really struggling for an idea of what to buy and, given that you support charities, she might have thought you'd like the idea of a charity gift.

 

People don't always get gifts right, i bought my OH a candelabra for valentine's day when we first started going out! I have no idea why I did that except it was wrought iron and black and as a bit of gothy type, i thought he'd like it and i wanted to be original! We still laugh about it now!

[PurpleTree]

I've been giving my family (parents and grandparents) World Vision gifts for the last few years, as everyone always says 'We don't want anything', but I figure they'd be very upset if I gave them nothing at all. I do always make a little something to go with them though, this year I've painted jars,and a vase for my parents, and filled them with chocolates. Last year I made a load of salt dough tree decorations.

 

I would rather be given one of these gifts than a box of chocolates or bath stuff any day, in fact for my birthday our friends bought me chickens from Oxfam.

[Olly]

I can see there are strong views here, so I'm going to tread carefully! It does depend a bit on the motive of the giver, but I am with docsquid and Lesley above. I love to get these charity gifts, and I'd far rather have one of these than another bottle of bath stuff or an ornament that I don't want.

 

I've given these gifts in the past, and it definitely isn't a case of 'I can't be bothered' - for me, it's about the over-focus on material things at Christmas, and this is a way of getting away from it. My family don't 'need' anything - we are all fortunate enough to have incomes/pensions that support our way of life, and we all have (in my humble opinion!) far too many possessions. Giving a gift to someone else, whilst acknowledging the tradition of Christmas gifts is a really positive way to overcome the advertising, marketing, merchandising or whatever you want to call it. I have spent ages choosing the 'right' charity gift for someone, to tie in with their interests.

 

Of course, I don't know your stepdaughter's motives but since you've known her so long and had a good relationship, it seems unlikely that she's just thought 'Can't be bothered this year'. The only way you will know is to ask her! If she really isn't a caring or thoughtful person then, as you say, that can't be changed - but I wouldn't necessarily assume that her motive was lazy or mean. You know her better than we do, of course; I do hope that she was just being practical and thoughtful.