2009 Omlet cube and run for sale

[A chickychickychick-ENN!!]

I've mentioned on here before about a young girl I know who has had problems with school in that she mucks around, doesn't apply herself, has no ambition yadda yadda. She's been with her older boyfriend for 10 months (yesterday), and was supposedly on the pill.

 

We've just heard she's had her first scan. Photos on facebook.

 

She's not just a random. She's actually a relative through marriage, hence I've wanted to try to help her. This is the second of her mother's children who have got pregnant at 16. I wish I was incredulous, but I'm not.

 

She is so immature and of the school of thought that if she has a baby, she'll be able to move out of home and have someone (the baby) to love her (she's adopted so has issues there).

 

I am horrified. She has no life under her belt, has underachieved to a massive extent, turned 16 a fortnight ago and I just don't know what to do or say to any of the in-laws, including her, about it. It's not like I can ignore it because she's in-law family. And I'm not able to go down the congratulations route.

 

Has anyone had experience of young teen pregnancy - either themselves or those close to them? I doubt very much abortion will be mooted as an option by her immediate family, and I'm a little too (deliberately) distanced to bring it up as an option, and probably couldn't do it tactfully the way I feel about it.

 

My in-law role has been quietly pedagogic, but I'm far too furious to do that constructively at the moment - to present a range of options and responsibilities and avenues of support.

 

Help?

[Lewis]

I know who this was going to be about when I saw the title, from previous posts

 

A friend of mine from my old school (she's 17) who I don't really see anymore is due 2 weeks today, she's really excited about it and although I don't think it was planned, was always going to keep it.

 

My cousin had a baby when she was 18, I think, and now has her own house with her daughter + bf and is really happy with it so it can work for some people .

 

Maybe she needs to go to the dr's and see about talking to someone about it and if she really is ready for it?

[Chucky Mama]

Crickey I don't think that there is anything that you can do but support as best you can. Whilst not ideal it sounds like this girl was never going to acheive at school regardless of your positive input. It could be the making of her with the right support. She sounds like quite a lost and troubled soul and she will probably be excited (although frightened) at the prospect of having a baby to love and nurture. She and the baby will need masses of support to get through their early years and to prevent history repeating itself with her baby.

[A chickychickychick-ENN!!]

I think she's a bit all over the place about it AND excited. The thing that really worries me is the immaturity aspect. She's so Kevin The Teenager about everything. To hear her talk is to hear barely articulated grunting. She has low literacy and numeracy skills. She is emotionally illiterate. I worry about what structure and responsible care she can offer a child beyond the goo-gooing, changing nappies and feeding. The parenting, emotional and responsibility aspects of, well, parenting!

 

It's hard if you've got things going for you, like some IQ and some emotional togetherness. But if you haven't... gah. What to do, what to do...

[Chucky Mama]

I totally agree with you and know exactly where you are coming from. It is an awful shame - it is children bringing up children. Unfortunately bar the baby being taken into care she now has to raise this baby Lets hope that she will listen and accept help and advise.

[Redwing]

Its not ideal but it may be the making of her, it doesnt have to be a negative effect

 

My mum already had two kids when she was 16, we turned out ok

[Purplemaniacs]

Hi

 

I have personal experience of this but would prefer not to post the details on here but if you would like to know more about my experiences please pm me and I will get back to you. My expereince is a positive one but it could have been very different.

 

Chrissie

[Griffin]

Its not ideal but it may be the making of her, it doesnt have to be a negative effect

 

My mum already had two kids when she was 16, we turned out ok

Here here! I had my first baby at 19. It wasn't planned, I was young and stupid. I finished my A-levels and was working three jobs part-time when I found out in the October of that year that I was pregnant. "Ooops, word censored!"ody in my family spoke to me for nearly six months. My mother asked me on a daily basis when I was leaving. My relationship with my boyfriend deteriorated and we split up too. I felt so alone. But I had a lovely friend who would call me several times daily to check up on me. I lived in Milton Keynes and he lived in Sheffield so we didn't see each other but his constant calls and letters helped me through a very difficult time where I had "Ooops, word censored!"ody. I didn't even have many good friends I could talk to, I was never popular at school. Looking back I guess I just had these three ex-boyfriends of mine propping me up, getting me from one day to the next. My babies fathers family were a real help and to this day I still have a good relationship with them. The man inquestion is still a complete and utter waste of space, he's never supported Daisy, goes for years without seeing her, but his family have never let me or Daisy down. What I really needed was support from my family at that time though. They made a bad situation ten times worse.

 

My parents have since said they regret treating me the way they did, they were amazed with how well I coped with being a mother and they wish they'd behaved differently. Although I hope they don't, if any of my daughters were in the same situation I'd hold their hand every step of the way and help them as much as I could. I'd hate for one of my children to feel the way I did.

 

Mr Griffin was my first ever boyfriend was I was 16. He contacted me out of the blue when Daisy was a week old. We've been together ever since and had three more daughters Daisy taught me I liked having babies and that I was a good mum. Despite what nearly everyone around me said having her didn't wreck my life, it made it what it is today

[Chucky Mama]

Its not ideal but it may be the making of her, it doesnt have to be a negative effect

 

My mum already had two kids when she was 16, we turned out ok

Here here! I had my first baby at 19. It wasn't planned, I was young and stupid. I finished my A-levels and was working three jobs part-time when I found out in the October of that year that I was pregnant. "Ooops, word censored!"ody in my family spoke to me for nearly six months. My mother asked me on a daily basis when I was leaving. My relationship with my boyfriend deteriorated and we split up too. I felt so alone. But I had a lovely friend who would call me several times daily to check up on me. I lived in Milton Keynes and he lived in Sheffield so we didn't see each other but his constant calls and letters helped me through a very difficult time where I had "Ooops, word censored!"ody. I didn't even have many good friends I could talk to, I was never popular at school. Looking back I guess I just had these three ex-boyfriends of mine propping me up, getting me from one day to the next. My babies fathers family were a real help and to this day I still have a good relationship with them. The man inquestion is still a complete and utter waste of space, he's never supported Daisy, goes for years without seeing her, but his family have never let me or Daisy down. What I really needed was support from my family at that time though. They made a bad situation ten times worse.

 

My parents have since said they regret treating me the way they did, they were amazed with how well I coped with being a mother and they wish they'd behaved differently. Although I hope they don't, if any of my daughters were in the same situation I'd hold their hand every step of the way and help them as much as I could. I'd hate for one of my children to feel the way I did.

 

Mr Griffin was my first ever boyfriend was I was 16. He contacted me out of the blue when Daisy was a week old. We've been together ever since and had three more daughters Daisy taught me I liked having babies and that I was a good mum. Despite what nearly everyone around me said having her didn't wreck my life, it made it what it is today

 

What a heartwarming story Griffin

[A chickychickychick-ENN!!]

That's really sweet Griffin. Glad to hear there are some positives.

 

Two of her siblings bred at 16 and 19 so I am hoping they can offer advice when needed. The one who bred at 19 is a fantastic (single) parent of a brood, although she had a bit of a head on her shoulders and of course the extra three years.

 

I think that's what's really worrying me - the togetherness. maturity and intelligence aspect. It's sort of like watching a nine year-old with a grown up's body doing all this. That's not an exaggeration.

[The Dogmother]

That's a lovely story Griffin, and you seemed so devoted to your girls when we met.

 

A chickychickychick-ENN; it is laudable that you care so much about this girl, and the outcome of her pregnancy, but as the others have said, it may well be the making of her. I am sure that if the midwives have any concerns about her ability to cope, then they will call in the social services. Any positive help and support which you and her family coudl give her would be brilliant.

[C&T]

I think all you can do is be there.

 

You can't change the situation as it is now. However hard it is to watch, you can only offer your support, and (if the circumstances require it) be there to pick up the pieces.

 

She sounds very immature - but I would say you have to think optimistically about her. However unlikely it seems, this maybe the making of her. Only time will tell, but people can change a lot in their late teens.

[Griffin]

That's a lovely story Griffin, and you seemed so devoted to your girls when we met.

 

Sometimes I do feel rather inadequate, I'm the worlds most unorganised person and I've apologised so many times to my girls for being a bit rubbish but they think I'm the greatest mum in all the world, their friends love me too and it's because I'm so much younger than all the other mums around here. Apparently I'm cool All the girls are polite, well behaved and do brilliantly at school so I'm obviously doing something right

[The Dogmother]

.... it's because I'm so much younger than all the other mums around here. Apparently I'm cool

 

and Rosie has no problem with reminding me that I'm the oldest mum in her class

[Rhapsody]

Sounds like this girl doesnt have a lot to look forward to in life, she's not exactly ruining her chances of a sparking career and I'm convinced this is often the case. If its a toss-up between a dead end job and a cute baby, a role, some status, and some money from the government its no wonder this happens. I've stood by and watched friends' daughters do this, some really bright girls who with the right encouragement could really do well and for me its heartbreaking. Everyone must have the freedom to make their own choices, but I am a little tired of my taxes paying for all this.

[PurpleTree]

Hubby's cousin had her little boy when she was 15, pretty soon she'd split up with her boyfriend who was quite a few years older than her. Luckily her mum and step dad stuck by her, and she's still living at home with a lot of support. Her little boy seems to be doing very well. Unfortunately she's now 17 and expecting her second baby in a few months, she got back together with her little boy's father long enough to fall pregnant again, so I'm pretty sure it was all planned. Again not long after falling pregnant she'd split up again and he's got a new girlfriend. I wouldn't say she's become anymore 'grown up', she seems to spend most of her time on Facebook, and telling the world her problems, and calling her ex all sorts of names. The way she's gone through boyfriends over the last couple of years, is like she's still acting like a school girl with no responsibilities.

 

Obviously she left school with no qualifications, she was meant to be being home schooled, then starting college to study for English and Maths, that's when she announced she was pregnant again. I so hope she sorts herself out, and doesn't just carry on worrying about whether she's got a boyfriend or not.

[Busybird]

I had three friends at school who fell pregnant in the same summer when they were 15, 16 and 17. None were interested in school but were determined to be good mums. They succeeded. I know that they felt very let down by our group of friends and at times felt very lonely and tied down. We would pop in and coo over the baby then go off for our night out, glad not to be them. They matured so quickly when they had responsibility they left us behind but it was a tough road.

 

All of these girls boyfriends let them down big time but their parents stood by them, offered support, advice and baby sitting but never took over the babies. Their children have now grown up and are lovely young men (they all had boys!) with good qualifications and jobs. None have yet had children (they are in their 20's). They remain close to their mums but are independent, polite and articulate.

 

The mums all moved on with their lives and remarried or found long term partners. Because they have grown up children but are still young they have been able to find careers later in life when qualifications matter less. They have applied the experiences gained from motherhood to their chosen careers and done well.

 

Teenage pregnancy gets a bad press but doesn't necessarily condemn the mother and child to a life of poverty, deprivation and neglect. What the young mum to be needs is positive support for whatever decisions they make. What they don't need is to be told that they are making a huge mistake that they will pay for forever. The responsibility will be scary enough without adults around them hinting at doom and gloom and it's all their fault anyway.

 

There are plenty of bad mums in their 30's just as their are good mums in their teens. Age does not always bring sense and maturity. All new mums, whatever their age, benefit from positive support. It would be lovely if you could offer that to this girl.

[rarara]

Its not ideal but it may be the making of her, it doesnt have to be a negative effect

 

What you said! I give a whole lot of respect to teenagers who are parents. I find it hard at 30. (Which I guess is your point). I just know that being a young parent doesn't automatically make you a bad one. Even if your choices up to that point were questionable.

 

I'd just try to let her know you're there for her (if you are). Otherwise I'd keep my opinions to myself. You can't live other people's lives for them

[chickenanne]

Busybird, that's a very good example /point. I agree that being a mother at a very young age is absolutely no gaurantee of being a "bad" mother, nor is hacing a baby within a stable marraige at an "ideal" age a gaurantee of being a good one.

 

I do feel that whilst teen pregnancies are not ideal, there is no point in condemning what happens: after all, most 16 year olds are not as able to take long term views as adults nor are they as realistic IN GENERAL. Tha

 

Hopefully she will take responsibility for the child and care for it fully with the help of family/friends.

[Chucky Mama]

There are plenty of bad mums in their 30's just as their are good mums in their teens. Age does not always bring sense and maturity.

 

A very valid point. Some very 'mature', intellegent and well educated women make the most awful mothers. This situation is not ideal of course, but if she can love her child and take the help and wisdom offered to her she can succeed in her life and her new role as a mother am sure.

[BarbaraJ]

Thats the trouble too many times they 'Think' its the easy option. maybe if they have a settled cute cuddly baby , but it doesn't stay like that long and when it needs dicipline, playing with etc they really haven't got a clue, such a shame!

 

And its not really womens ages alot of the time, its maturity. i chose to have 3 by the time i was 26, though i wasn't classed as a young mum even then i am now! friends mums are often 10yrs older.

[whoopsie]

In my job (midwife) i'm pretty used to younger mothers, and the majority of them turn out to be fine parents - better than some 30-odd women i've looked after to be honest.

 

Yes she does need to have a good think about what she wants and access the support services available to her. All maternity units have some form of specialist midwife who tailors care for the younger mothers. 16 is pretty old considering some of them!!

 

It's true she has little life experience already, but that doesn't mean she can't get it later on - and she's on a very fast learning curve now!

 

I know it's hard, but I think the best thing you can do is wish her well, if she resents you then she will never feel she can come to you for advice if she needs it, and if you care enough to be concerned now you could prove a valuable asset to her.

[Redwing]

There are plenty of bad mums in their 30's just as their are good mums in their teens. Age does not always bring sense and maturity.

 

A very valid point. Some very 'mature', intellegent and well educated women make the most awful mothers.

 

Too true! I am 32 and would make an awful mum

[The Dogmother]

Tasha! You're too busy being mum to Ian and your menagerie

[laurmurf]

this has been an interesting thread - thanks to all for sharing their experiences.

 

Looking back at myself at 16 it could have been me - thank goodness it wasn't! Knowing how demanding and frequently UNrewarding raising children is, if it were one of my daughters I would crawl into a corner and weep pitifully for her lost childhood.