Unsecure chicken perches

[BarbaraJ]

i go to lots of toddler groups as i look after 2+3yr old boys so they need to get out and am very regular so that pleases the people that run them as some are struggling at the moment. I go to one on Thursdays and have become very friendly with the women there.

I struggle during holiday time as have only 1 child to care for at the moment and 2 minder friends one who moved away and the other who has found other friends (shes is younger than me and can't understand why i don't want to go clubbing every week) so can get quite lonely. I have been trying really hard to talk to other mums and minders but find they all seem to have their own groups of friends though they are friendly at the groups to me, i seem like i have loads of acquaintances but hardly any friends.

The Thursday group is the friendliest and i have tried hard to talk to all there, (about 10) over the last couple of years. Today they were all arranging to meet up in half term with the kids and one evening and there was only me and 1 man not included especially as they were doing in to my face, i felt very hurt and otherwise they are very welcoming in the group and come over to chat to me each week. I feel like i can't win.

 

I just needed to write this as have been upset and don't expect answers as i know in the scheme of things its not important and i have a great family life.

[Seagazer]

I'm so sorry you're feeling so upset Barbara, maybe they thought someone else had already asked you.

 

I know childminding can be quite a lonely job at times even if you're surrounded by kids. I did it for a few years. I've also been to toddler groups where no-one else bothers to talk to you and its not nice. I always make the effort to talk to new people at school etc.

 

Please don't take it to heart. You know you have lots of 'friends' on here.

[Tiggy]

you can always talk to us, we're that not proud

[Chucky Mama]

Sorry you are feeling low today. Keep your chin up

[chickenanne]

Sadly, no magic wand or solution or whatever, but you seem like such a great person "online". This bumpy bit will pass.

[Griffin]

I so know how you feel, it's a very lonely place to be in *hugs* I have no friends at all in Faringdon, not a single one. For five years my girls went to the infants school at the end of our road. So I'd be there twice a day, dropping off and collecting. All the other mums had their little groups of friends but I was never able to 'join' any of them. My youngest goes to nursery and again, I'm not part of the little gang there. Nursery doesn't bother me as much but I really hated the feeling of intimidation I got at the infants school and I was so glad when last July Emily finished there so I didn't have to endure it anymore. Nursery didn't bother me until last week when it was Georgias best friends birthday party. Georgia didn't get an invite, she was so upset. I know that if I was in the 'in' crowd then she would've done. It's a tiny nursery in a tiny village with around 15 children there and I bet Georgia was the one of two children not invited, the other would've been a little boy who barely speaks any English, neither him nor Georgia get invited to play in the park after nursery has finished. Georgia wanted to give her friend a present for her birthday so she made her a bracelet and a card and gave it to her yesterday. I hope that little girls mother realises what a lovely daughter I have! And I do wonder how she explained to her child why her best friend wasn't at her party

 

Anyway, I digress I just wanted you to know you're not the only social pariah I have people who I see at work and colleagues (all three of them!) but none of them could be considered friends, there's "Ooops, word censored!"ody I could have a cup of tea with and certainly "Ooops, word censored!"ody to have an evening out with. I have countless chums online but sometimes I'd really like a real live person to have a giggle with.

 

[WitchHazel]

<> Barbara.

 

If they were doing the arranging begind your back, I would say they were being mean.

 

The fact that they are arranging it in front of you and that they normally are friendly enough t you makes me wonder if:

(a) they think you've been asked and have declined, or

(b) they're under the (mistaken) impression that it's not your type of thing.

 

I'm afraid I can't offer any suggestions on how to handle it. as I'm guessing it's half term next week so it's too late? I would recommend being genuinely interested in how they gt on when they get back the following week.Hopefully they'll realise what's happened!

 

<> again

[Cinnamon]

I truly cannot bear social cliques, & have often found myself on the outside,looking in,as it were.

 

It was especially bad with my eldest as she found it hard to make friends, as did I, so we were both always on the sidelines. Me of the Mums,her of the childrens cliques.

 

Sometimes I used to stand there,listening to the chatter & wondered just how much I actually wanted to be involved with those people. Some people in my earea are the most awful s"Ooops, word censored!"s.....

 

The thing that really changed things for me was when I joined the PTA, which was by accident anyhow,but I made several good friends that way,some of which I still see. My best friend went back home to Australia a few years ago,& she was the one who kind of brought us all together,so that was difficult.

 

I am the sort of person who would rather be on my own than with other people,especially strangers,anyhow, & like you I have people I know,but no one real true best friend.

[Willow]

Sorry to see you're feeling down Barbara.

 

I suspect it's more likely they know you have a great family life so assume you're not too interested in coming out with them. It would be nice if they asked but they'll see someone friendly and confident who can talk to anyone and it won't occur to them that inside you'd like to be included.

 

It's funny I always thought school age was going to be the hardest time to make friends and I know I was lucky enough to have a lovely friend at school But it can be surprisingly difficult at times as an adult. As an adult there's very few cases where you meet someone and just connect. And however confident I feel/appear usually I find groups where I know people casually can feel the most lonely.

 

I'm lucky enough to have a small number of close friends who I love and I've met them a variety of places but through my work, my husbands colleagues, schools nurseries etc I have meet and worked with thousands of people and it's a tiny percentage of those that have become friends, if you don't meet many people it reduces your chances of making that connection dramatically.

[Valkyrie]

WitchHazel's right - they are meanies. Do you reeeeaaaallly want to be friends who are so two faced it's insulting to your intelligence?

 

Shame we can't all have a nice little village going. We wouldn't complain about the roosters (much ) and we could all go on holiday because we know someone will look after the girlies and other pets.

 

Sadly real life seems to be unpleasant when it needs to be fun for the little ones. Bit like Griffin - infant school wasn't missed. Come to think of it, Secondary school wasn't pleasant either. Here I have my neighbour and we sound off each other - she also had issues - being an older mum she was shunned - unless the other mums wanted something. I also have a couple of friends from work - one of which we make an effort to go and have a meal at the carvery about 3 or 4 times a year and a catch up and a show and tell - because of our sewing!

 

Anyhoo next time you are down this way pop in for a cuppa or lunch or whatever.

 

[Daphne]

Dear BarbaraJ & Griffin,

 

I wish I could say something constructive or do something real to help but I seem to have mislaid my magic wand as well. Your stories took me back to being a child - not left out but hardly the centre of attention with my peers either. I can't imagine how I'd cope with those same feelings now and I feel sad for your Georgia. But one of the ways I do cope with my life (I work at home, can be isolating) is by purposefully seeking out, and then spending my precious time with, people of like mind. I don't let other people who belittle me (intentionally or not) take up my attention. I'm not sure where this ramble is going, other than to say something about being Mums in common isn't necessarily going to give you real points of connection, and it can be difficult moving from colleagues to friends. I think chatting, or joining groups for things you like doing, is a good way to find those you do have something in common with. Your time becomes filled with good things and positive reinforcing people, not things or people which fuel self doubt.

 

And in the meantime a) indulge yourselves using copious amounts of your preferred indulgence b)get it off your chest - preferably with something/somebody that might give you a cuddle in return

[sadietoo]

You have my sympathies. I well remember when my two were at school I found it impossible to get to know anyone in the cliques. Standing outside school waiting for the children to come out was like being invisible. I volunteered to help with the PTA and found that selling tickets to discos or whatever at the school gate was a great way to get to know people...and to find out that actually, mostly I wasn't missing a lot by being excluded!! Really some of those people just had no manners!! However, in the end I did make three close friends (all people who had moved in from other areas incidentally). I'm sure you will meet some like minded people sooner or later, and you still have us lot on here xx

[patsylabrador]

This might cheer you up. The animated shorts on the Empire site. I haven't checked them all out, but I liked this little French one, I think it's about preconceptions, it's called French Roast.www.empireonline.com/oscars2010/oscar-shorts-videos. I tried the link and it took me to the google page and the film is at the top.

[Chucky Mama]

Standing outside school waiting for the children to come out was like being invisible.

 

I am so glad that all of mine are at secondary school now and that I don't have to get through that anymore. Most of these people doing the excluding are really not worth knowing anyway. If they were they would welcome you with open arms.

[BarbaraJ]

Its good to sound off and your replies are appreciated i do think maybe they think I'm too busy with family but i did mention that i get bored in the holidays as i only have one to look after! so thats why it hurt more. they are all a nice group so I'd like to be involved, I'm past the stage of wanting friends regardless as i did when younger.

I'm very busy now my kids are older at the weekends and have one good friend i go out with but its daytime i need a friend as this job can be so lonely.(i do enjoy it but i need to be busy and its quiet at the moment with the job situation)

I've cheered up and have got a date next Monday with another minder who mentioned today that she was going to Monkey Bizness (soft play place) Monday and i said i was going to go there next week, so she said come meet me made my day

[C&T]

If this is unwelcome or unhelpful, then please ignore...

 

I remember going to my Mum (many moons ago) and moaned that so-and-so never said hello to me. She said well, do you say hello to them?

 

Made me stop and think, and is something I have remembered.

 

It doesn't always work, and cliches of people can be really horrid and intimidating - but I now try and take the initiative, and ask someone to have a coffee with me. Always try and pick a periphary person (i.e. not the load mouth at the centre of the group!) but also somebody who might appreciate a coffee or chat and might have like interests.

 

Sometimes people are scared of asking "the new person" in case of rejection - they have their comfortable group and admitting a new person could change the dynamics. Or sometimes the people in the group are unsure of them selves and their standing in the group, and don't know if it's their place to invite a new person in.

 

Again - this does not always work! Some people are just horrid and that is is that. And getting to the point of asking someone for coffee can be tough - but can be worth it.

 

(PS I am not particularly outgoing, and not good at talking to strangers for the record!)

[BarbaraJ]

No i don't need to ignore you i totally understand what you are saying and thats what i decided to be like with this particular group. I speak separately to each and every one of this group of ladies weekly and some of them that attend other groups too. That is why i was upset, as i said before i don't think they are horrid i like them, maybe i need to moan more , maybe they think i don't need the friends as i chat to everyone, i dunno maybe they have known each other too long and find letting someone else in difficult.

[craftyhunnypie]

I know how you feel. I have no true friends as such apart from those I have made through going my knitting club each week. Oh & a few at W.I. I enjoy going these places. There are a few who have got to know each other very well, mainly as they live in the same town/ village, go walking together or have the same breed of dog. They nearly all have children & that's where I become the outcast. I don't have children & don't want them, so there is only so much I can talk to people about. However in these 2 groups I have been accepted & feel comfortable.

I find in other places though that I am ' cast aside' - I think people resent me for..

1. Not having or wanting children.

2. Having my own business with my hubby

3. Having nice things & lots of holidays

4. Being comfortable financially.

5. Having travelled & done so much in my younger years.

 

I never ever brag & I never ever get to talk about me & what I know or have done - as others may see it as being a know all / bragger.

I wouldn't want to upset anyone - its just that I am worldly wise & done a lot.

 

But because of all the above it causes a barrier between me & any possible friends.

However, these days I just get on with it & do stuff in my own company. I talk to the chickens & the cat - they are all good listeners.

 

I used to feel hurt & thought I was an 'odd one'. But no - I'm normal - it's the rest that aren't & it's the rest that let jealousy get in the way. Grrrrrrr.

 

I hope you enjoy your date & cheer up hun!

 

Emma.x

[Alis girls]

Its easy to think everyone is having fun and you're not but often people are sititng at home with bored kids too. is there not a childminders group which meet? If not can you start one? Mine used to meet with others for coffee. I have started being pushy and suggested today a meet up next thurs with kids - I know I'll end up doing the texting but it beats siting at home with the kids or kid (teenager starts to plan his own life). We do a general invitation and go to the park and sit huddled with coffees whilst the kids from teens to 2's run around. I get a bit fed up but i cant bear not having a meet up for goss etc. Its mind destroying if no matter how much you love the kids they want their own mates too. Good luck - you sound nice and friendly BJ.