Pro - Does anyone else's nest boxes get soaked in rain?

[Fizzle Knit]

Hi there. Haven't posted here for ages, but I would appreciate the collective wisdom of those who are chicken keepers!

To cut a long story short, my 13 year old son has a friend on facebook who in real life is an acquaintance (they go to neighbouring schools), and she is also good friends with one of his best friends. Her mother friended my son on FB a while ago and when I realised I told son to take her off. One of the rules we have agreed is that he doesn't friend people he doesn'y know in real life.

This woman has been persistent in messaging my son wanting to be friends again. I have just discovered that he has refriended her agaisnt my explicit instructions and I am now furious with him, and the fact that she wants to be friends with him is causing alarm bells to ring.

I will be speaking to son shortly and have a number of sanctions in mind but I need to calm down a bit first!

In the meantime I need a reality check. Does it sound off to you that this woman wants to be the friend of a child she has never met? I can see that maybe she wants to be friends with aqll her daughter's friends to keep an eye on what her daughter is up to, but I wonder, for example, how she would react if my son's dad decided to attempt persistently to friend her daughter?

Your views would be welcome!

[craftyhunnypie]

I can understand the alarm bells ringing - it's a bit odd. What are her motives?

But then I have friends on here (Omlet)that are older & younger than me. They are friends because we have one thing in common - chooks! We don't stalk each other because one I am married & two they have their partners & their own lives too. Being friends is one thing - but stalking...no no nooo!

I'm not too sure about this thing with your son. I think I would be worried there.

Emma.x

[Lavenders_Blue]

This does sound a bit odd. Would you be able to speak to this woman about the situation? Perhaps to explain that your son has agreed not to befriend anyone he has not met in real life, and the reasons why? Perhaps to find out too if there is a reason she is so persistant to add him as a friend (as you say, it may be to moniter her child's FB friends).

Talk it over with your son too, but bear in mind that he probably felt pressured into adding her as a friend again. As a polite, well brought up 13 year old (which I am sure he is) it's very hard to say 'no' to another adult, especially the parent of a friend. Perhaps you could reiterate the fact that there are times when it is okay to say no.

[Fizzle Knit]

Thankyou CHP. I'm assuming her motive is innocent, i.e. if her 13 year old daughter is on facebook the mother wants to know what she does on there, and having the same friends is one way to do that, but I still don't feel comfortable with it, especially the fact that she has been so persistent with refriending my son when he has unfriended her. I'm also unhappy that my son has defied my wishes, there will be consequences! Amongst other things I will be giving him the option of messaging her himself to say why he cannot be her friend, or I will do it myself.

I agree with you that members of this forum becoming friends with other members is a very different thing - we all have a common interest for one thing, and we're adults/ near adults. It's a good example of the positive things that the internet can bring.

[Fizzle Knit]

Thankyou LB too. Your remark about him being a polite 13 year old made me smile cos that is exactly how he is to other people , wheras we as his family get to see the raging hormonal teenager underneath! He's lovely really, and I agree with your comments entirely. I will probably give him this final chance to explain to this woman himself why he can't be her FB friend, but after that I will contact her if necessary.

[WitchHazel]

I think it must be quite a difficult situation for your son, and I wouldn't be angry with him. If you are, or if you go into over-control mode (from his point of view), then all that will happen is you'll cause him to become more secretive.

 

Rather than "giving him one final chance to explain to this woman..", why not take the pressure off him a bit? Say that you can appreciate it might be a difficult situation for him, but that you and he have an agreement, and that comes first. Ask him if he'd like you to message this person to explain the situation. I was thinking that you could write a message which he could send her, along the lines of:

"Hi, XXX, This is yy's mum. YY and I have an agreement where yy doesn't friend anyone on facebook that he doesn't know in real life, which is why he has unfriended you and has not responded to your repeated friend requests."

You could suggest she contacts you directly if she is not happy with this. (The wording isn't right, but you get the idea...remember, she's probably just concerned about her daughter just as you are concerned about your son).

 

You could then agree with your son that next time there is a request which he feels is a reasonable exception to your rule, he discusses it with you before he accepts it.

 

Hope that helps

[Cinnamon]

Just so that you know,you can block people from seeing anything to do with your son at all,if this is something you felt you needed to do.

They can't see his profile at all,comments - it is as if they do not even have an account.

[Geoid]

Facebook does have a number of safety features built in, if you dont want this random woman (seems very strange to me) messaging your son, just delete and block her. If that doesn't work you can always report her to facebook (who might delete her account)

[Henchanted]

Hello

 

there is a lot of good advice so far but I am very intrigued by this because I too have a 13 year old.

 

My daughter talked us into allowing her to get a facebook account when she was 12 (13 is the youngest age allowed officially). She was the last of her peers (some of whom have had accounts since 8, ) but of course they had to lie about their year of birth.

I have seen what ages some of my daughters friends have registered as and many say they are in their twenties. This can leave them open to unwitting/innocent adult attention

 

I got myself a facebook account so that I could a) understand the process and safety pitfalls and b) so that I could monitor what she was doing on there. That was the only basis she was allowed to have an account. Because I am on her friend list I do occasionally get friend requests from her school friends which I either delete, refuse the request or answer explaining why I am refusing to friends that I know.

 

In your situation I would advise that you check what age your son is registered as, use the opportunity to talk more about general internet safety particularly checking his account setting so that it is set to only his 'friends' and not automatically 'friends of friend's to access his personal stuff.

 

Also I find some of these friend requests are automated ie you can accidentally send one if you are not careful. As a mum my daughters safety is paramount and maybe this mother is doing just that, keeping her daughter safe by keeping tabs on her contacts, (I don't do this) but she might not realize that you find it creepy. You should be able to email her and ask her if there is any particular reason why she wants to be friends with your son, you may find it is either totally accidental, or her keeping her daughter safe or that she just feels more relaxed and doesn't get the awkwardness it's causing (there seems to be such a wide spectrum of attitudes to personal safety and privacy on the internet).

 

Sorry if this is a bit of a ramble I'm trying to cook dinner at the same time

 

Good luck

Edited May 23, 2011 by Guest

[LolaLayla]

Do you know anyone who knows this woman? You may be able to see by using your son's account who she is friends with to give you more insight into the situation. I would not be happy with a strange mum wanting to be my son's friend however, particularly as he had removed her initially. If she is concerned about her child's friends who are on facebook she can see a lot anyway if she is her daughter's 'friend', so I do find it odd.

I can understand how he may have felt pressured to accept her though as I have been asked to accept someone who I don't really want as a 'friend' and I feel really guilty for ignoring them. I agree that you don't want to rush in as you want him to feel he can tell you about what he is doing on the internet etc and that he would feel at ease telling you if he had a problem eg cyber bullying ...which happened to my son. Children although feeling 'all knowing' are at times naive. My son redid his profile putting in dob, school, workplace etc. He thought I overeacted when I told him to remove it. I am still his 'friend' on facebook so I can keep an eye on things but very seldom comment unless its something like the situation previously mentioned. I would certainly never ask a child to be a 'friend'. I hope you get this situation resolved. Good luck.

[Henchanted]

Just a quick addition to my earlier ramble.

 

Don't you think that if there was something genuinely sinister about this, she would have changed her ID/ profile or pretend to be a youngster.

 

I think its likely that she is unaware its making you feel creepy, just talk/text/post her.

 

Have a good evening

[Chucky Mama]

I'd block her on your son's FB account. She may want to have her child's friends on her account so that she can follow who her child is in contact with but if this is the case then she can explain this to you. I have lots of my chlldren's FB friends on my account but they have requested me (because i am so cool - I know it's not true but it makes me happy to believe that it why ). My husband on the other hand refuses all requests from the children's friends. When mine were first allowed on FB it was on the condition that they checked with us before adding anyone new and that we had their password to that we could check their account whenever we wanted to . They are now savvy enough to be left to it but I still keep a watchful eye out for anything suspicious, bullying (both them being bullied and them contributing to the subtle bullying of others without realising it) and inappropriate behaviour and language.

[Willow]

I'm at the point of encouraging my elder son to get a facebook acc so he can keep up with old friends that he doesn't see at school anymore but I have explained I want to be a friend so I can just keep an eye out for anything that he wouldn't think was odd but that I would realise was odd. I have promised to ignore bad grammar etc and not to comment and embarrass him.

 

I agree with the people above who point out it is difficult situation for him if he is normally polite and you don't want him to feel he has to keep stuff secret because he's worried how you might react. I would let him know that you are going to contact the other mum to explain why he has unfriended her and ask him to unfriend and block. Then I would keep it simple and not invite dialogue but just email her along the lines of '...I'm sure you are just trying to see who your daughter befriends on facebook but you also have rules to keep your son safe and they include not befriending adults he doesn't know, so you would appreciate it if she made not further attempts to add your son as a friend as they will not be accepted...'

 

BTW apparently teenage boys find it amusing to send facebook requests to their friends mothers so they can say 'I facebooked your mum'

[Henchanted]

BTW apparently teenage boys find it amusing to send facebook requests to their friends mothers so they can say 'I facebooked your mum'

 

That is interesting...

 

Do please let us know how you get on with resolving this.

[sadietoo]

I'm guessing she is merely trying to monitor her own child.

 

I am allowed as a friend on my DD's account,(she's 21) but not my DS..(he's 18 and I am not allowed to monitor him!) .I am FB friend to some of DD's friends but only a few and they sent me requests not the other way round.

 

I would have a word with her if I was you,

[yvonne]

I agree it seems a bit odd, but may be entirely innocent.

 

I think Witchhazel made a good suggestion and very well balanced wording about you getting in touch direct with the mother as your son probably feels quite awkward about the whole thing.

 

Do you know anyone of your own age who knows this woman and can tell you what she's actually like ?

 

I'm not a parent, but have a Facebook account and occasionally get friend requests from my friends' children which initially I accepted (in a mixture of politeness and feeling a bit flattered) but it's actually rather embarrassing to be party to conversations between teenagers when you are in your forties ! I now just tend to ignore them.

[Fizzle Knit]

Thanks everyone for the replies. Wanted to come back on here yesterday evening but managed to forget my password and had to get a new one. Spoke (again ) to son yesterday and he has unfriended the woman. I offered to message her to explain why but he didn't want me to so I've agreed I won't unless I find she's back on his account, in which case I'll contact her whether he likes it or not!

I agree that it's highly unlikely there is any ill intent in her actions, more a desire to keep an eye out for her daughter - think I was more peeved with son with going against our agreed FB rules.

Thanks again everyone

[The Dogmother]

I don't do facebook, nor does Rosie, but I still find it odd that this woman is insistent that your son befriends her; it seems highly inappropriate to me.

 

I am friends with some of my daughter's friends and they sometimes visit to chat to me as much as to Rosie. Another friend's 18 year old son sometimes pops round when I am baking, and I am friends with various youngsters on this forum. However I would totally understand if I was in the situation you describe.

 

It all sounds very odd and I feel that you nee to contact this woman as WitchHazel and the others have suggested.

[Alis girls]

I agree - i think I would contact her in a friendly way esp as shes not one of his mates mums. Claret - I suspect the 18 yr old comes round to clean out the bowl when you are baking my 2 squabble over the bowl - so I bake when they are at school so I can clean it but thats another thread