GeorgieB Posted May 30, 2011 Share Posted May 30, 2011 I thought I'd share this with everyone as it made me cry with laughter. I left some instructions for the neighbours for looking after our hens and my fella got hold of them and made a few adjustments (he likes to take the mickey out of me as he thinks I'm too detailed with them). I hope you can tell which bits I didn't put in It's a bit long but well worth the read. Here it is... The hens will wake when the sun is up, so the earlier you set your alarm clock to let them out the run the better. Usually they open the door from their bedroom to the run themselves when they can be bothered, it depends whether they had a late night playing poker, so if it is closed can you gently tippy-toe up and knock twice to wake them up and let them out. They like a bowl of sugar puffs with sugar coating licked off, if you'd be so kind. Hens can dehydrate in a couple of hours when they drink vodka so please make sure their bar thing is fully stocked with a wide selection of both alcoholic and non-alcoholic beverages. Once they've come outside and had a stretch and a yawn, empty any left overs from the party the previous night into the dustbin and refill with one green goblet of layers mash, mixed in with a little butternut squash and sweet potato following the recipe in Gordon Ramsay's latest cook book. If the tin is wet from the rain then why did you position it so rain could get on it in the first place? Anyway, please dry it with your expensive hairdryer before putting new food in (otherwise they will not eat food from a tin which has been dried with a cheap hairdryer). I usually put one cup of mash in the purple 'grub' container every day too. I don't like the word 'grub', I prefer 'cuisine' but I can't rub the old word off, though I have tried for several hours. The water 'glug' bowl (also couldn't rub the word off and replace it with 'Eau') will need changing every hour with fresh Perrier or any other water from a mountain spring. Tip water out (anywhere on the plants, I don't like plants they are rubbish compared to hens) and rinse under outdoor tap. Fill to top. Place back so bottom sits on the ground and I don't mean YOUR bottom, though a little toning exercise wouldn't go amiss. The sooner you can collect the eggs the better. I mean at daybreak essentially. Or you could even sit and wait for the egg as it gets squeezed out of their vent and then, using a magician's sleight of hand, you could spirit the egg away before they see it has been laid, so they are not traumatised by such a sudden loss. If you don't they may get broken etc. Occasionally one lays an egg that isn't properly formed, we call this the ugg, which is a mix of the word egg and ugly. If you can take this out and put it in the green sack (where the rest of the dirty straw, pooh etc goes) asap that would be great. It would be even greater if you could analyse the thickness of the ugg shell in a diary, so we can have a record of ugg laying trends. Also, if left they may get a taste for the ugg and start eating it. This can then be very hard to break as a habit, a bit like giving up cigarettes. Please check they haven't tipped over the metal tray when you have chance. By that I mean every 5 minutes. Literally EVERY 5 minutes. At some point before 8.30pm any poohs in their bedroom need taking out so their little hen bot-bots don't have to rest on them. Gloves in the container for this. Tray can be pulled out at the back by pushing in the middle first, if that makes any sense to you, however you can view this on my youtube site at www.youtube.com/hencrazywoman/133088.wmv . Any wet sawdust needs removing and then drying with your expensive hairdryer. Please make sure there is a sleepeze deluxe mattress on the perches and in the nest for them to lie on comfortably, you know, the kind the hippo and the little birdie sleep on so that "Ooops, word censored!"ody gets crushed. Please shut them in the run when they've gone in and shut their bedroom door and tell them it's lights out at midnight and NO MORE POKER after that. Feel free to ring me for anything. I will stop whatever I am doing even though I'm on holiday and possibly in a foreign country. Don't worry about calling anytime, 24/7, though if it's after 1am and before 9am then I'd prefer you call Neil's number first. THANK YOU, YOU ARE NOW A MEMBER OF THE HEN APPRECIATION SOCIETY Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Plum Posted May 30, 2011 Share Posted May 30, 2011 Your husbands a nut but how true Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
counturchickens Posted May 30, 2011 Share Posted May 30, 2011 Exactly the same instructions I leave the dh when I am away on business! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
snowberry Posted May 30, 2011 Share Posted May 30, 2011 I wonder if your neighbour is yearning for hens of her own after reading all those instructions! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lavenders_Blue Posted May 30, 2011 Share Posted May 30, 2011 I don't see what is unusual about those instructions. I give my hens Perrier water every day... doesn't everyone else? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
craftyhunnypie Posted May 30, 2011 Share Posted May 30, 2011 A glug of Moet darling! Emma.x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy ben grace Posted May 30, 2011 Share Posted May 30, 2011 Brilliant! My oh has often said if he grew some feathers and started clucking he would get more attention! At least they can laugh about it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Goosey Lucy Posted May 30, 2011 Share Posted May 30, 2011 Wonderful Think your OH and mine have the same sense of humour. I especially liked Place back so bottom sits on the ground and I don't mean YOUR bottom, though a little toning exercise wouldn't go amiss. Had me in stitches. Thanks for sharing Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bouldercroft Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 love it!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ain't Nobody Here Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 That's hilarious . He's got a real way with words, your OH . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Henergy Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 Brilliant !!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fluffy chick Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
surfer_chicken Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 Careful the hens don't get hold of this- they might get ideas I was strangely disappointed when the youtube link didn't work, I think I would've enjoyed it Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Green Tea Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 Love it Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
majuka Posted June 1, 2011 Share Posted June 1, 2011 Love it and if your hubbie thinks you are too detailed with your instructions - when I left our girls with my Dad, I actually took photos of their enclosure and labelled certain parts Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chortle Chook Posted June 1, 2011 Share Posted June 1, 2011 Really funny Think I need to go out an buy a more expensive hair dryer now Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GeorgieB Posted June 2, 2011 Author Share Posted June 2, 2011 Think I need to go out an buy a more expensive hair dryer now Nice one Cheaky Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mollie333 Posted June 2, 2011 Share Posted June 2, 2011 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alis girls Posted June 3, 2011 Share Posted June 3, 2011 Well at least he reads your notes - my OH bless him ignores mine and rings me to ask things written on it Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
