patsylabrador Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 For about two months my Mum has tried not to talk to me. I won't bore you with the whys and wherefores but I've reached the end of my patience. I did manage to speak to her and ask her why as it was a bit out of the blue. She'd had a quarrel with my sister and had stopped talking to her and just kind of lumped me in like a package deal. I told her she couldn't just ignore me but if she really couldn't bring herself to speak to me, to text me instead. So she did that for one week and now that has stopped. Even though I'm an adult it is still quite hurtful because you don't know what you've done wrong and my mind has been agonising over it for weeks. But I think it's just something in her character that she does. It's not the first time she's blown our family apart like this, it took maybe ten years to heal- if it did. I'm not sure now. It was also her weapon of choice when we were naughty as children. Days and days of silence, it didn't bother me then, I just assumed I was a very bad child. I think this way of treating people is very unpleasant and I'm not sure I want to keep trying to put it behind me and be forgiving. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soapdragon Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 I do sympathise so much with this; I finally decided, about three years ago, to confront my father after years of his controlling attitude and foul temper had blighted our lives. He hasn't spoken to me since and,tho it was traumatic at the time, I now feel as though a burden has been lifted. I no longer have to cope with his unpredictable, rude, controlling and manipulative behaviour and, after 45 odd years, that's such a relief. As far as your mum is concerned I think that possibly a tactical withdrawl on your part may be best - at least for the moment; its not irreversible after all. If she doesn't want to talk to or communicate with you then so be it (hurtful tho it must be.) Is it possible that there is a bit of game playing going on on her part and that, if you refuse to rise to it then the situation may change! Do remember that its nothing that you have done - its her problem not yours and you have your own life to live. Re reading this it all sounds a bit muddled but hope you can make sense of it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Willow Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 I understand how upsetting it must be but from what you've said you can't 'fix' whatever it is she thinks is wrong (and I feel somewhat that even if she had a legitimate issue this is an appalling way to get it dealt with ) so all you can do is try not to let it affect you too much. I think it's a horrible and manipulative way of dealing with people. You sound like you have a great relationship with your children, they are all mature adults so it may be worth getting their take on it as they know you and their grandmother. I'm sure you will find them to be refreshingly brisk about it being her loss and to try not to let it worry you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mercedes55 Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 I do feel for you, quite honestly I think it's awful when people do this but it seems surprisingly common. I have a similar situation with my sister, who for the last 3yrs or so has hardly spoken to me and I really have no idea why. A friend of mine has a similar situation to you. Her mother just stopped talking to her over a year ago, she has no idea why and her attitude is that she hasn't done anything wrong so she doesn't care if she never hears from her mother again! I'm the kind of person who does care a lot when this kind of thing happens and it's really awful when you wish you knew what you had done wrong but can't work out what Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
patsylabrador Posted April 21, 2014 Author Share Posted April 21, 2014 Hello, thank you for your support. I agree that the best thing is to step back. The nicer side of me thinks that mum is panicking and by not talking to her daughters(there are three of us and we are all being avoided) she can pretend everything is ok. It's really not and is something that we could have been helpful with and we think should be discussed. It's not illness, just family politics but I think it will go on for years and will be detrimental to my parents' health. When we did speak I was told that they didn't need my help so the less pleasant side of me thinks- ok then. I think I should stop fretting, and yes, that's what my kids think too. The worst I've done is show concern, the same as my sister whose anger was at being shut out. The great thing is that I'm on amazing terms with my sisters now. Very strong bond. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ain't Nobody Here Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 I too feel for you, it's a horrible way to be treated . My mum didn't speak to me for 2 years (and we had a difficult relationship for a few years before that too). Like you, I didn't really know what I'd "done wrong" so I eventually gave up trying to fix it for my own sanity. It has to come from both sides to work. After I found out that my brother was at the bottom of it I then managed to repair the relationship (and get rid of him from our lives ) and I'm glad I did as despite protesting the opposite, I'm relieved we've got back together again before she dies (she's almost 90). You're lucky to have your sisters so you're not alone - I hope you'll all find a way to make your mum realise she'll be better off making peace with you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Dogmother Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 I totally agree with the advice above; let it be, move on and be happy in your own life. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alis girls Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 assuming they are all of much the same age - my mum (now deceased )used this treatment on me as a child and it freaked me out. I would sooner have a good shouting match and throw a few things. If OH does it I get really mad with him and now he understands why he does it less. My dad uses another trick if upset with me - sighing and holding his stomach - that sends me into meltdown and I normally give him what for verbally as crying wolf is dangerous. I think it was the parenting skills of the time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saronne Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 It's called passive aggressive behaviour. It is very common = but to use it on children is so detrimental as they haven't the maturity or experience to work out what's going on and like you, ended up believing you were a very bad child. Passive aggressives are people who, for some reason, feel that it's wrong to show anger - or have a fear of confrontation so they do lots of manipulative things to get back at those they're upset with. I've had 'friends' do it to me, but I told them they were PA and explained why. Of course they didn't like it, but they knew I wasn't going to sit and brood about it.The flip side, e.g. having a shouting match need not happen either. But some folk struggle with sitting down and having a constructive discussion about what's really upsetting them. I learned all about it when I took assertiveness training module for NHS. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Willow Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 Many of us are about the same age which means many of our mothers are in that 70-80 age bracket, they are of a generation where they were supposed to be ladylike and not necessarily show when they were angry. I wonder if that is why so many seem to use passive aggressive behaviour with family members? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
patsylabrador Posted April 22, 2014 Author Share Posted April 22, 2014 Willow, you reminded me of this link language is a bit fruity The fifties look fun but I think most women were quite repressed. ANH I think my brother is very much involved in this too. Thank you everyone for your information and support -Saronne, that was useful to me and I've done more reading. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
peachachecha Posted April 23, 2014 Share Posted April 23, 2014 I agree too with all the advise that has been given. It is a difficult thing to handle, after all we were taught to honor our mothers and fathers. My father was very much the same way and it took me until I was in my 50's to realize that there was nothing I could do or say that would change things. I finally just let it go. I would send him cards on special days and an occasional 'thinking of you' card or one I thought was funny. That helped our relationship over time but I never let my guard down. Just remember it really is not you that is the problem. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Valkyrie Posted April 24, 2014 Share Posted April 24, 2014 Yup, carry on with your own world. Life's too short to keep analysing (one of my flaws is to overanalyse) and wonder why and worry about things. Takes a long time but eventually you say to yourself well you lot are the ones missing out on me so your loss and knickers and pantaloons to you until you decide to grow up. And then when they do come round again it isn't long before they give you the same treatment as before - so now I've taken myself out of the situation - less stressful that way. Join the club, honey, you can borrow my t-shirt. And am going to send you lots of hugs because you can do with a few! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alis girls Posted April 24, 2014 Share Posted April 24, 2014 Another over analyser here. I stew for Britain. I am trying to let go of the past and move on. I am a shouter - get it outta your system kinda gal and chuck a few bits about. Much healthier than being sent to Coventry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
patsylabrador Posted April 25, 2014 Author Share Posted April 25, 2014 Thank you ladies. I can't tell you how much better this has made me feel. For a start I didn't realise just how widespread this is. I am guilty of over analysing too, but thanks to your replies and the reading I've done I really feel as though I know how to deal with this. I don't wake up feeling under a cloud, more of a shrug and a smile. I was talking to my neighbour about it and she said, Ohgod! I'm always in trouble. She is Sikh, her husband Hindu so the chances of causing offence on a daily basis are very high and there's always someone who doesn't want to speak to her Your advise has been perfect. MS says the family has gone a bit Game of Thrones and that I should take care to not go to weddings!?! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ain't Nobody Here Posted April 25, 2014 Share Posted April 25, 2014 Yes, that might be good advice! Glad you find comfort in the forum - I know I have in the past too . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Valkyrie Posted April 27, 2014 Share Posted April 27, 2014 MS says the family has gone a bit Game of Thrones and that I should take care to not go to weddings!?! I'm more worrying about my mum dying - I think I may be singled out for some finger pointing and nastiness at the funeral (if they tell me when it is). And at the same time I'm also thinking let them, let them snipe at me and be as vitriolic as they can. They can believe what they want, think what they want and then I can go back to my own world and say goodbye to the unpleasant part of my family. OK walking back to happineeeeesss whoop ah oh yeah yeah yeah. Altogether now . . . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ain't Nobody Here Posted April 27, 2014 Share Posted April 27, 2014 Snap! Although I'll be the one doing the finger pointing and nastiness . Or maybe not, it will be a funeral after all. I will also be singing "Walking back to happiness" in the knowledge that my connection to "that person" will no longer exist (apart from through my nephew/nieces ). Families - who needs 'em . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Valkyrie Posted April 28, 2014 Share Posted April 28, 2014 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alis girls Posted April 28, 2014 Share Posted April 28, 2014 Oh I feel your pain. Three days spent with dad down here is enough. I love him but he wears me out. He wants entertaining, I took him for a long walk in the park (yes i know sounds like dog walking) praying he didnt keel over. He wants to do bits and pieces but hes so unsteady and has had so many falls when here I dont like to put on him too much. He makes drinks and does some washing up. I was glad to get back to work. I have so many things to deal with on the dad front. Anyone got any advice on persuading aged parents to have a cleaner? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grandmashazzie Posted April 28, 2014 Share Posted April 28, 2014 Would they agree to a trial for a month.Then if they got on with the cleaner and saw how it helped they would keep her/him on.Sometimes its the fear of the unknown. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alis girls Posted April 28, 2014 Share Posted April 28, 2014 Thanks Gran - worth a try - however after his last TIA he cancelled the SS input I arranged. because I'm so far away hes a law to his self. Might put that to him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Plum Posted April 28, 2014 Share Posted April 28, 2014 Probably because he has to pay for it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
patsylabrador Posted June 25, 2014 Author Share Posted June 25, 2014 It's gone from bad to worse really. After four months I decided I had to do something and texted. Got no reply so I emailed and more or less threatened that if they didn't reply that I would keep sending the email. It was a nice email, just a flipagram showing what I've been up to this year. They phoned. They say you should be wary of what you wish for, basically it's my fault-what is im not sure, I was told off for punishing my dad, again, no idea what that's about. I had just sent him his birthday present, I always get him a years subscription for the Focus magazine and a jolly, friendly card. I spoke to him and got told off again for poking my nose in family business. I tried to explain that I wasn't involved and questioned that surely family business is actually also my business- being part of the family and all. The worst is that this has dredged up memories from childhood I had forgotten, lots of caning and belting, no hugs and kisses. The best is a deeper understanding of my younger sister. I said to her how I was the stupid, ugly nuisance child of the family she said no, she thought that was her. She is opt ng for cutting off entirely apart from the rest of the family and im starting to feel the same way. There is lots more stuff going on which is appalling behaviour and I can't see me going to family get togethers or any visits for a long, long time. Sorry for state of this. I am angry, ranting and the stupid cursor keeps deciding things for me. I'm not even sure if any of this makes sense. Other than this I live a blessed life, this is a stupid glitch that I don't need and has made me very angry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluekarin Posted June 25, 2014 Share Posted June 25, 2014 Don't worry, I read it perfectly well. That's just awful. I think for the sake of your health and own sanity, it might be best to just do as your sister and cut ties. If both of you get on, then that is all the family you need. I do hope things will get easier for you (((hugs))) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
