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[Ain't Nobody Here]

Once again my mother has managed to make me feel hurt and angry. Not for the first time but I'd thought things were on a fairly even keel these days.

 

She's been regularly saying to her carers that she hates me, I hate her, I never visit her and I refuse to answer the phone when she calls me. I'm going to have it out with her this afternoon (hang on, I thought I never visit her ). Dementia or not, she is savvy enough to never say these things to my face, letting me believe that she enjoys my visits and appreciates all I do for her. I've written down all the things I'm going to talk to her about today so she can't use the "I can't remember" card later on. She often plays that but we all think she sometimes exaggerates her memory loss to her own end.

 

Of course she loves my cheating, lying, stealing brother who barely contacts her now she has no money left .

[Groovychook]

Sorry to hear that you're still having problems with your Mum. I really feel for you- it must be so difficult to hear what she says about you in your absence and especially galling to know that she still holds your brother in such high regard

 

Writing things down is a good idea. It's a shame that you can't record your conversation with her...

 

Best of luck this afternoon.

[Space Chick]

So sorry ANH

[Ain't Nobody Here]

It actually went quite well. We had a long discussion about nursing homes (she is coming to the conclusion she may need to go into one soon) and then I spoke quite firmly to her about what she's been saying. She seemed to be perplexed more than anything, saying she didn't know she'd said these things but she did seem contrite. I left her with a typed sheet of all the things I'd told her so she doesn't get confused when she's on her own (and make up a whole new story ).

 

We parted on good terms and even had a laugh when I told her a couple of little anecdotes.

 

I feel better and will keep my fingers crossed she thinks about her behaviour in future.

[Space Chick]

Hopefully all will be Ok then ANH ((hugs))

 

She really has pushed you to your limits the past few years xx

[Valkyrie]

Poor you again. I'm glad you overcame it and left on an even keel. Well done.

[patsylabrador]

I admire your patience and honour when dealing with your mother. I don't seem to posess either of those qualities.

I've noticed that in lots of posts I've read on here and on the internet that it is brothers who are the source of a lot of problems. Daughters seem to be tolerated only on the condition that they don't interfere with the mother/son bond.

[Valkyrie]

I also wonder if it's because the son is younger than a daughter - regarded as "the baby" and therefore needs much more protection. 8 years between us. But I don't remember being close to her beforehand. She has always said I never wanted to cuddle her because she was too bony and would calm down because my dad was fleshier! If her condition was in modern times she probably would have been anorexic to a certain degree - although it wasn't to do with her weight - she said she couldn't eat because it made her choke so would only drink egg beaten up in warm milk. An eating disorder either way. She also believed all the way through her pregnancy that I would be a boy because my dad's family consisted of boys. I must have been a disappointment to her!!! And worse - I wasn't a girly girl because I was out tinkering with my dad on cars, woodwork, gardening and not dolls!

[Purplemaniacs]

Sorry to hear things have become difficult again ANH.

 

Glad that you left your mother on a slightly more positive note.

 

Sadly OH and I don't have any parents around now but I was an only one but OH has a brother who left the county because he couldn't cope with his mum's illness and he immediately became a super son as he could do no wrong on the other side of the Atlantic. Whereas we helped out on a regular basis and got moaned at.

 

Well done ANH, as Patsylabrador said you show great qualities of character when dealing with your mum.

 

A big hug from East Northants going north to you

 

Chrissie

[chickencam]

Sorry to hear this it sounds like you have dealt with the situation with dignity and compassion. Hopefully things will settle down again now.

[Ain't Nobody Here]

Thanks guys .

 

My brother is 4 years older so that theory doesn't fit!

 

My theory is that she wanted boys but my dad wanted a girl (they could choose because we were both adopted). I often wonder if she's jealous of me because I managed to bear children (and boys, which is what she lost) and I have friends, hobbies and a happy life.

[Egluntyne]

Not a comfort, but her behaviour is typical of someone suffering from dementia. She won't remember from one day to the next about who has visited, who has said what and so on.

[gavclojak]

Not a comfort, but her behaviour is typical of someone suffering from dementia. She won't remember from one day to the next about who has visited, who has said what and so on.

 

I agree, my gran was convinced she had Bosnian's living in her shed, we showed her a the lock that you could see had not been opened, her reply was..."well I don't know how they are getting in,". She told everyone my mum, her only child who she worshipped more than life itself had thumped her in the face. She was convinced my brother was letting himself in and taking stuff from her house but this would change daily to whoever was in "favour"

 

When my nan was in her last stages of dementia and in hospital she would pretend to be asleep when my mum and brother visited but was full of chat and giggles when I went. This is weird because they saw her several times a week but I was not the best and only visited every few weeks much to my own shame and embarrassment

 

That's not taking away anything from the way you feel ANH...I stuggle with my mum, she loves the attention of being unwell and has recently been in hospital with breathing issues, she tells everyone she has COPD , tells my hypercondriac brother she was having tests for cancer When she called 999 and they admitted her to hospital she asked my dad to call everyone she knows to let them know she was in hospital and delighted in telling everyone the doctor told her it will take months to get over this!!!! Whe. I visited she lays there gasping and shaking but can't keep it up for long so starts talking normally after a few minutes until the doctor arrived and all of a sudden on came the shakes again

 

All the time my poor pops, who had terminal cancer and is genuinely stoic runs around after her and not sleeping as her is worried about her

[kinsk]

I've noticed that in lots of posts I've read on here and on the internet that it is brothers who are the source of a lot of problems. Daughters seem to be tolerated only on the condition that they don't interfere with the mother/son bond.

 

but I can so identify with that!!

 

So sorry ANH that you are still having a hard time, fingers crossed she has listened and taken it in, good idea on writing it all down. It's such a hard disease.

 

My brother, younger, has always been the golden boy, who despite stealing £1000's from my parents, going awol for 12 months at a time where they were both very ill etc. etc. is still forgiven. My Dad had a terminal condition and died in March, Mum is pretty much disabled and despite having a knee replacement last year still isn't mobile enough to be independant, plus now grieving for her husband. I had to pretty much move in with them for 6 months last year and again for two months this year. He swans back for the last few weeks of Dad's life, gets loads of brownie points, allowed to move back in. He is 30+ never been able to hold a job down and obviously ran out of peoples setees to sleep on.

 

Now he's got his feet back under the table, and I know Mum is giving him money he's starting to revert to type and dissapearing for days on end, leaving her worried where he is, or hanging on waiting for him to take her shopping etc.

[Valkyrie]

Seems a fair few have issues. It's nice to see someone with happy family matters. I just remembered my husband is older than his sister (nuff said about that one!) and she is the apple of her mother's eye. He once said he felt like a second class citizen in his own home when her then boyfriend to become husband (and now ex-husband) were worshipped! I've always known my place in the pecking order.

Also my friend has issues with her sister swanning in briefly, making changes and then nipping off for my friend to pick up the pieces - her mother has had a problem with her brain since a car accident and is gradually getting worse, sadly. And again the youngest is the best thing since sliced bread. Poor girl, she used to get bombarded about my family woes and now it's my turn to have a shoulder free for her.

[Alis girls]

The saying "you can choose friends but not your family" rings true. If only.....

[Alis girls]

My dad also has mild Vascular dementia and is very wearing. He seems to tell blatant lies and I have had words with him re this as overheard what he says to OH. I deal with dementia patients a lot and its true some are devious and trouble making others totally away with the fairies. Such a difficult thing to deal with - hugs coming your way.

[WitchHazel]

I'm so sorry to hear about this Vicky,

 

It is just the dementia talking. I appreciate that knowing that doesn't make it any easier when you are right in the middle of it.

 

Your post reminded me of a lovely book which I think came across last time you posted about your mum. It's called "Take Care Son". it's available to buy, but i remember seeing it online....

 

..here's a link for anyone interested

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2623800/The-saddest-goodbye-Endless-words-written-dementia-But-ANY-match-poignancy-cartoonist-Tony-Husbands-account-watching-steal-away-father.html

[Ain't Nobody Here]

Sadly, she used to say things like that (and far worse) long before she had dementia but the upside now is that she doesn't remember what she said so doesn't stay angry and aggressive. Every cloud!

 

I saw that Tony Husband link before - it is very sad reading .

[PixieDust]

Sadly I have been through all this. Yes it is the dementia and long before you realised something was wrong. 25 years ago my mother was making my life hell. The nastiness, snide comments, saying she hated me, everything was my fault and I held her back in life.

 

She will not remember anything much that you talk about.

 

My mum used to scream at me to get off her phone as she wanted to use it. She be lived I was speaking on the extension and would pick it up screaming abuse down it. I wasn't. She believed mice were coming out of the cupboard with clogs on waking her up by dancing all night. She would feed the foxes after midnight every day with corned beef sandwiches from a second floor flat. She would tell people I wasn't her daughter and that she "took me in" and when I got my degree it was her brains not mine that got me the degree. She caused a diva fuss over what to wear for my graduation that she forbid me to go - I did with my OH. She was also a compulsive hoarder.

 

This is just a snapshot and I really do understand what you are going through but please do not try to justify it or make sense of it. Her brain is slowly dying and damage will have been done long before you realised. The only thing that will happen is you will feel hurt and resentful and maybe miss out on some treasured memories. I know I would have done if I had walked away.

 

If you want to talk please PM me. I have been through a very hard time with mum and the stress has made me ill with autoimmune hypothyroidism.

 

As for brothers.......do NOT get me started on how inept my brother has been with my mother's care dumping it all on me!

[Ain't Nobody Here]

Gosh, that's made me feel all teary . Wise words though, thank you.

 

I know you say this could have been developing over years and years but the few family members we have say that mum was not a particularly pleasant person even when she was much much younger and could be very vindictive and difficult. Doesn't change the outcome and I'll still care for her whichever way but sadly, there are more bad memories than good.

 

I'm now at home off work having caught the bug from her that I've been helping to clean up after for the past 3 days . Don't feel ill but can't be too far from a loo!

 

Next hurdle? Nursing homes. She's adamant one day she has to go into one, the next "I'm trying to lock her up". Thankfully, she has 2 very good private carers who know the score and are a huge help to me as well as her.

[bluekarin]

Your post reminded me of a lovely book which I think came across last time you posted about your mum. It's called "Take Care Son". it's available to buy, but i remember seeing it online....

 

..here's a link for anyone interested

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2623800/The-saddest-goodbye-Endless-words-written-dementia-But-ANY-match-poignancy-cartoonist-Tony-Husbands-account-watching-steal-away-father.html

 

 

Gosh thats quite scary. Made me well up when he had to say goodbye to his dog and then the last words Thankfully I haven't had anything like that from my parents, yet. I don't know if I would know from the inlaws as they are drunk alot of the time when they phone, and we tend to have the same conversation several phone calls in a row

[PixieDust]

 

I know you say this could have been developing over years and years but the few family members we have say that mum was not a particularly pleasant person even when she was much much younger and could be very vindictive and difficult. Doesn't change the outcome and I'll still care for her whichever way but sadly, there are more bad memories than good.

 

Yep - sounds like my mum! Most people were stunned I would look after her after the way she treated me. And I have done it for no gain as my mother didn't own her own home or have any savings.

 

I know it can sound like you or I are moaning but it's a hard reality for most of us and it is increasing. You need to make contact with local Carers groups and Care UK. The last thing you need is Social Services bamboozling you - and they will, over her care and yours and her rights.

 

Anyhow, the offer of a chat is there if you need

[Alis girls]

Its a true fact sadly that if they were difficult before dementia then they probably will be doubly difficult with it. I have met a few patients who are jolly, singing dementia sufferers but they are far and few between. My dad I suspect was a difficult soul when my mum was alive and she was difficult too. He now moans about everything. Hes a joy to be with not. I really feel for you both.

[Ain't Nobody Here]

Thank you, PixieDust .

 

Have just spent an hour on the phone with Financial Assessment Department of the Council, trying to work out if we can protect the value my mum's house if she goes into a home (and not let my brother walk off with half of it ).

 

Oh my word, it's so complicated (thanks to my brother ). My head hurts .

 

My dad didn't have an actual diagnosis of dementia but he was a gentle, sweet soul right up to the end. Always had been though.