Mel (& Paul) Posted May 1, 2006 Share Posted May 1, 2006 In the year 2006, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in Exeter and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans." He gave Noah the plans, saying, "You have six months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights". Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard...but no ark. "Noah", He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?" "Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah. "But things have changed. I needed planning permission for change of use from residential to B2. It took 3 months, was refused and it has now been referred to the Office of the Deputy Prime Minister and the appeal will not be heard until late 2008. I have been arguing with the building inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. The DDA officer tells me I will need Disabled toilets and the all the doors have to be1000 mm wide. The ramp up to the Ark cannot exceed 1:20 and it will not fit in the yard. My neighbours claim that I have violated the neighbourhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to Planning Department and reapply for planning permission for the Development. Then the Highways Department demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear he passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I argued that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it. Getting the wood was another problem. There is a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls. However, no go! When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me. They insisted that I was illegally confining wild animals against their will. They argued too, that the accommodation was too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. Then Environmentalists insisted that I could not build the Ark until they had conducted an environmental impact assessment on your proposed flood. I am still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I am supposed to hire for my building crew. In addition, the trades unions say I cannot use my sons and they insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience. To make matters worse, the Inland Revenue seized all my assets, claiming I am trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. Then I found out that the Customs and Excise would not register me for VAT and so I am not able to recover the VAT on the building materials. So, forgive me, Lord, but it will take at least ten years for me to finish this Ark." Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean, you're not going to destroy the world?" "No," said the Lord. "It turns out Blair and the beaurocrats have beaten me to it!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Linda Posted May 1, 2006 Share Posted May 1, 2006 Oh,very good Mel! It would be absolutely hilarious if it weren't so true! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mel (& Paul) Posted May 1, 2006 Author Share Posted May 1, 2006 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Blue Sky Posted May 1, 2006 Share Posted May 1, 2006 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Louise Posted May 1, 2006 Share Posted May 1, 2006 Love it Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnnieP Posted May 1, 2006 Share Posted May 1, 2006 Very good! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ubereglu Posted May 1, 2006 Share Posted May 1, 2006 Got me laughing for a good 10 minutes. It's so true. Don't ask me why I know it's true. I'm not really the average teenager, I'm into polotics and actually understand Have I got news for you! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sheilaz Posted May 1, 2006 Share Posted May 1, 2006 Good one! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chicken on a mission Posted May 1, 2006 Share Posted May 1, 2006 I like it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karen & co. Posted May 2, 2006 Share Posted May 2, 2006 Karen x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chocchick Posted May 2, 2006 Share Posted May 2, 2006 Reminds me of my bad Noah/ark/God joke.... From memory I'm sure it was told better when I heard it a few years ago One day God was talking to Noah and said he would like him to build a second ark. Noah agreed, and asked how big it should be. God said he would like the ark to have many storeys Noah asked if God would like the ark to be filled with 2 of every type of animal again. God said no, he would like the ark to be filled with fish this time. Noah looked confused So different types of fish this time? he asked God said no, that he would like the ark to have many storeys and be filled just with carp. Noah said (wait for it) So you want me to build a multi-storey carp ark? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chicken on a mission Posted May 2, 2006 Share Posted May 2, 2006 I'm sure you could hear the groans from that joke from here Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sheilaz Posted May 2, 2006 Share Posted May 2, 2006 I liked it! A very long time ago, Noel Edmunds used to have a daily joke like that on Radio Luxemburg. He'd talk for about 10 mins before reaching the very groaning punchline. He was a good DJ, & wasn't famous then. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mel (& Paul) Posted May 3, 2006 Author Share Posted May 3, 2006 Reminds me of my bad Noah/ark/God joke....From memory I'm sure it was told better when I heard it a few years ago One day God was talking to Noah and said he would like him to build a second ark. Noah agreed, and asked how big it should be. God said he would like the ark to have many storeys Noah asked if God would like the ark to be filled with 2 of every type of animal again. God said no, he would like the ark to be filled with fish this time. Noah looked confused So different types of fish this time? he asked God said no, that he would like the ark to have many storeys and be filled just with carp. Noah said (wait for it) So you want me to build a multi-storey carp ark? AGGGGRHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hellcat Posted May 3, 2006 Share Posted May 3, 2006 All Hail, mighty Mel (& Paul)! A great way to end the evening. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Dogmother Posted May 3, 2006 Share Posted May 3, 2006 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mel (& Paul) Posted May 4, 2006 Author Share Posted May 4, 2006 All Hail, mighty Mel (& Paul)! A great way to end the evening. Now now, dont encourage (& Paul) he might ask for the removal of his brackets and, like his straight jacket (he needs it married to me..........) that would never do Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hellcat Posted May 5, 2006 Share Posted May 5, 2006 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Martin B Posted May 6, 2006 Share Posted May 6, 2006 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...