Jump to content
Mel (& Paul)

Building the Ark in 2006........

Recommended Posts

In the year 2006, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in Exeter and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans."

 

He gave Noah the plans, saying, "You have six months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights".

 

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard...but no ark. "Noah", He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

 

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah. "But things have changed. I needed planning permission for change of use from residential to B2. It took 3 months, was refused and it has now been referred to the Office of the Deputy Prime Minister and the appeal will not be heard until late 2008.

I have been arguing with the building inspector about the need for a sprinkler system.

 

The DDA officer tells me I will need Disabled toilets and the all the doors have to be1000 mm wide. The ramp up to the Ark cannot exceed 1:20 and it will not fit in the yard.

 

My neighbours claim that I have violated the neighbourhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to Planning Department and reapply for planning permission for the Development.

 

Then the Highways Department demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear he passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I argued that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

 

Getting the wood was another problem. There is a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls. However, no go!

 

When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me. They insisted that I was illegally confining wild animals against their will. They argued too, that the accommodation was too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

 

Then Environmentalists insisted that I could not build the Ark until they had conducted an environmental impact assessment on your proposed flood.

 

I am still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I am supposed to hire for my building crew. In addition, the trades unions say I cannot use my sons and they insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.

 

To make matters worse, the Inland Revenue seized all my assets, claiming I am trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

 

Then I found out that the Customs and Excise would not register me for VAT and so I am not able to recover the VAT on the building materials.

 

So, forgive me, Lord, but it will take at least ten years for me to finish this Ark."

 

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean, you're not going to destroy the world?"

 

"No," said the Lord. "It turns out Blair and the beaurocrats have beaten me to it!"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Reminds me of my bad Noah/ark/God joke....

From memory :shock: I'm sure it was told better when I heard it a few years ago :oops:

One day God was talking to Noah and said he would like him to build a second ark. boat.gif

Noah agreed, and asked how big it should be.

God said he would like the ark to have many storeys

Noah asked if God would like the ark to be filled with 2 of every type of animal again.

God said no, he would like the ark to be filled with fish this time.

Noah looked confused :?

So different types of fish this time? he asked

God said no, that he would like the ark to have many storeys and be filled just with carp.

 

Noah said (wait for it)

So you want me to build a multi-storey carp ark?

:roll:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Reminds me of my bad Noah/ark/God joke....

From memory :shock: I'm sure it was told better when I heard it a few years ago :oops:

One day God was talking to Noah and said he would like him to build a second ark. boat.gif

Noah agreed, and asked how big it should be.

God said he would like the ark to have many storeys

Noah asked if God would like the ark to be filled with 2 of every type of animal again.

God said no, he would like the ark to be filled with fish this time.

Noah looked confused :?

So different types of fish this time? he asked

God said no, that he would like the ark to have many storeys and be filled just with carp.

 

Noah said (wait for it)

So you want me to build a multi-storey carp ark?

:roll:

 

 

 

AGGGGRHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! :roll::roll::lol::lol::lol:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.




×
×
  • Create New...