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[dogs and chickens]

Bless her and bless you for being such a great friend.

 

No matter what my child ever did or said to me, I would always love him and know that he always loves me. As a parent you expect your children to be grumpy with you sometimes, it's a way of them learning who they are and expressing emotion. Children/teenages/adults would not be human if they did not get grumpy and cross sometimes. Your friend need never worry about if her Mum knew she was loved, Mum's always know.

 

Huge hugs to you all

 

Michelle x

[rachel19]

Hi, I know how your friend feels - I'm now 23 and lost my dad when I was 20 after a 5 year battle with MND. It's weird losing a parent after so long an illness and feeling relieved in a way as you feel like a weight has been lifted from the family in a way - i know that sounds awful but it is true. I felt guilty for not telling him I loved him enough but I now know I'm being silly and that worrying now about whether or not he knew isn't going to get me anywhere. Maybe it was because I was a bit older that I came to realise this earlier but she really does have to learn to move on and get on with her life without wondering what if. Again, similarly my mum moved on quite quickly and her partner moved into our family house about a year ago. I felt like he was being controlling and trying to take over but it turned out he just cares and shows this in a different way i'm not used to and I percieved it the wrong way. There are also no photos of my dad around and for a while it felt like he was being forgotten but then I realised how awkward it must have been for my mums partner coming in to the situation like it is for her step mum. Although you dont want them to be forgotten you have to realise that they never will be as they are a part of you - your friend might need to try and see it from the point of view of her new step family. Her step mum must know what she means to her children therefore she knows what your friend has lost and probably doesn't know how to act - who would! I actually got so fed up with situation to begin with and moved out as im at uni into a student house with my friends. This gave me a lot of perspective and allowed me to come to realise all these things. Although me and my mums partner will never have a father daughter relationship it doesn't matter as I know my mum is happy and they will both be there for me. As to the step siblings - i haven't had to deal with this as my mums partners kids are all my age and live with their mother. I have met them a few times and we get on really well so it hasn't been an issue.

 

I hope this is of some help. I don't want you to think i'm saying that the issues she's having are all hers but when you have to adjust to other people in your life who you have not chosen to live with you can read too much into things. It takes time for everyone to adjust.

[hilda-and-evadne]

I am afraid that there is all the difference in the world between the experience of a 13-year-old young girl losing her mother (ie her role model, best friend, mentor) and that of a 20-year-old young woman losing her father.

 

I am sorry about your bereavement but I think you are being, to put it politely, too "brisk" telling a 15-year-old to adjust, and on the evidence of your post I doubt that you know anything about how Laura's friend feels.

[deejmum]

She asked me if she could come and stay with me for the weekend or for a few nights soon, as its really intense at home. Im sure my parents would be fine with that. This is going to sound really weird but here goes .. If she came to stay, I know I'd feel really mean .. because I'd have all my family there, including my mum, and I think that maybe it would seem like I'm rubbing it in if I was to say "mum whats the time?" for example. Not sure if that makes any sense though?

 

 

If she has asked then this is what she may need right now. She seems to have some relative strangers at home and may want to spend some time in a stable environment. You are clearly a true friend, I think that you and she need to try and spend some time having fun together as well as talking, as much as she wants to.

 

She told her mum every day that she loved her,just because she didnt mention it once, her mum would still have known how loved she was, by the sound of it she would never have doubted it, and would not have wanted her daughter to feel guilty.

 

 

You obviously feel very strongly for your friend and have taken on board her difficulties, make sure you spend some time on yourself too, your emotions count as well,call on your own family for a bit of TLC, and please dont feel guilty about doing that!

[BeckyBoo]

I'm so glad to hear that her Dad seems to have found a way to start being with his daughter again. Sounds like things really came to a head and it's so good that you and your mum are able to be there for her.

Lots of love and best wishes to you all, leaving my children would be the hardest thing, your friend has been through such an awful thing, I hope that being able tot alk to you and your mum, and hopefully her dad, will be the start of some healing

 

Mrs B

[Egg Lou]

Its all been said already so just to add our thought are with you and your friend.. You sound like the kind of friend we would all like to have

[Lisa]

Now that I can see again through my tears I can reply!

 

I cannot imagine what your friend must be going through but with the support of such a wonderful, true friend like you, and time with her dad, she will eventually work her way through it.

 

I have a 15 year old daughter who has days of being loving and delightful person to be with and days when she transforms into someone who isn't pleasant to be around. On these days I don't always like her but that never stops me from loving her like I have from the moment I first saw her. I am sure that her mum never had any doubts about how they felt about each other and would have been proud of her achieving so well in her exam.

 

I am glad that she has managed to talk with her dad and the keepsake box/book idea is great. I will be mentioning this to my friend, whose husband has terminal cancer, as this would be something her children might like to do perhaps with their dad while they can.

 

In time I hope that she can develop a relationship with her step mother, it will never be the same as with her mother, but it can be a rearding one.

 

Have a lovely girlie time together. Her mother would want your friend to be doing all the things teenagers are supposed to do - laughing, shouting, crying etc. Make sure that you look after yourself as well!

 

Remember that the people you love are always with you as they remain in your thoughts.

 

Love & Hugs to you both,

 

Lisa xx

[rachel19]

I'm sorry if you thought i was being dismissive - that was not my intention at all. I completely understand the situations are different and that it must be incredibly hard at the age of 13 to go through that. All I was trying to say was that I sympathise with the feelings Lauras friend is going through and that in time she will be able to resolve them and come to terms with everything - I was 14 when I knew I was going to lose him and we were very close.

 

It sounds as though she is doing a great job by opening up to you and you are being a great friend by making her know she is not alone and she always has someone to talk to when things get tough. I hope that your friend and her dad can learn to talk to each other about what has happened but it must be a comfort to her knowing that if not possible now she has you to talk to. I hope you have a great couple of girly nights together and I'm sure this will help her (sorry if i caused any offense - i really didn't mean to )

[Fizzle Knit]

Dear Laura,

There are some organisations that exist especially to help bereaved children and teenagers. Winston's Wish and the Child Bereavement Trust spring to mind and there may be others that are available locally. I think they might be able to help your friend , with as little or as much support as she feels she needs at any particular time.

I think it is wonderful that she has such a caring and supportive friend as you, and it sounds like she is now tackling her grief in a very positive way. That is very important, and will help her in the long run.

Her mother will have known she loved her, it saddens me to think of her feeling guilty about that.

[chickenanne]

When my Mum died, (I was 27, so had well and truely left home etc) the one thing i learnt is that grief effects different people in massively different ways, and that you can't predict how you will react. I felt tremendously guilty, (after a period of total red-mist rage!), and for me that was normal. But it isn't normal for everyone.

For me, I'm sure the blind fury and then the guilt were just emotions, and the reasons I found to be angry or guilty were just an explanation for them - the feelings were there first, if you see how I mean. Like you're freind, there was no reason to feel such a burden of guilt, and if I had been listening to someone else saying why they felt guilty I'd've not found any reason for them to feel like that.

Disbelief on being told of her passing away also sounds very familiar to me: after all, it's such a huge unimaginable thing that it would be strange if you could take it in and believe it immediately.

It's really good that she is beginning to bond again with her father; I know when my Mum died it felt like I was establishing a realtionship with him for the first time; sounds ridiculous, I know, but I didn't realise how much Mum acted as a mediator.

 

Like everyone, I can only say how I felt and my reactions, which is probably way different to how your friend is doing; a good number of people suggested that I was greiving in the "wrong" way ( I was living overseas at the time and left to go back there a couple of days after the funeral; I knew i'd go mad if I didn't jsut get on with things; it wasn't callous or running away, it was the right thing for me to do at the time - however, it was very hard for lots of people to accept this) so I'm very wary of coming across as suggesting there is a "normal" reaction or "correct" set of emotions. Having people telling you how you feel, or at least, how you should feel, really does not help!

[Mumpty]

I have a 17year old daughter and your friend must not worry aboutt the rows they had, I have rows with my kids and yet I love them whith all my heart and they know that deep down. Your friends mother would have known that she loved her deep down too. We all say we hate our parents sometimes, I know I did, but we don't mean it and parents know that. I don't know if this will help, but get your friend to have a look at this website, it's geared for teenagers. I wish I could come round and hug you both and make it all better, you sound like a wonderful, young lady and a cherished friend. God bless.

 

http://www.connexions-direct.com/index.cfm

[BeckyBoo]

That is so desperately sad. Your poor friend, and her sister too. I can hardly bear to think about the things she said to you this evening it's heartbreaking. Someone HAS to say something to their Dad. He isn't being fair AT ALL. And his new wife has got to understand - this is NOT a competition for his love. He should have enough to go round and if he can't share it then she (the new wife) must wait her turn. Children come first. Can't you print this off and stick it through his bloomin letter box or something? Can't he see what he's doing to his own children? Doesn't he think they've been through enough, he should be there, drying their tears and holding them close, not backing off and feeling awkward. God, give me his flipping phone number, I'll ring him and talk some sense into him.

The thought of two poor children (and yes they are still children when it comes to this matter) missing their mum so badly, it's making me cry, I can hardly bear the thought of it.

 

Please give your friend as much love and support as you can, and hug her from all the other mothers who wish they could bring hers back for her.

 

Rebecca

Mrs Bertie

[BeckyBoo]

I'm not surprised you're drained, emotions, especially strong ones, are exhausting and you're trying so hard to do and say the right things, it must be exhausting. Don't feel guilty for needing a break for it, have a break, you'll be able to be a better friend again for it.

 

Anyway, what I came back here for was, following my last rant I'm trying to see it from his point of view. Maybe he's terrified. I mean teenage girls are a mystery unto themselves at the best of times, maybe "things like this" are what his wife would have been good at before. Maybe he DOES feel guilty, if there was an affair, or maybe he married quickly to ease his hurt, I mean he lost his wife, the one he promised to love til death do us part. The one he chose to spend his life with, that can't be ignored. Maybe he knows what everyone is thinking and maybe he thinks it a bit too, but it may have been his way of dealing with the pain, to lose himself in another relationship. Some people do go from one relationship to another quickly, it doesn't mean the previous one meant nothing. Do the girls look like their mum, because if they do they will be a daily reminder of what he has lost, and if he has any sense at all that maybe he's not dealing with things very well for them, then seeing their mother in them every day must just reinforce it to him. Or maybe it's just that he is frightened of what will come if he DOES allow them to unload onto him. Not the same at all but when my Nan died there was a period of time where I was frightened that if I started crying that I wouldn't be able to stop. If he is worried about not being able to cope with their grief, or maybe he is worried he may not be able to cope with his own. I don't know how old he is but there are still a LOT of people, specially men, who are afraid to acknowledge grief in front of other people. I'm not comfortable crying in front of my OH after 8 years, it's just not me to cry in front of people. The only thing is, that as a parent he should swallow his fear and put his children first, thats my opinion anyway, once you're a parent, in a lot of important matters, you are second and the children come first.

 

So there, loads of opinions and no solutions whatsoever. I truly hope that he has a wake up call, because if he's not careful he will lose his two daughters as well as his wife and that would be the most tragic ending of all and even though I have no idea who they are I KNOW that their mother wouldn't have wanted that

 

Mrs B

[Joojoo]

Hi Laura

 

I'm sorry that I can't add anything to what's already been said but I just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you too . I hope that your friend can find a way through this horrible time in her life and, I'm echoing what everyone else has said, she had got a wonderful friend in you and you should be so very proud of yourself for that.

 

Take care of yourself

Jue x

[Ain't Nobody Here]

Same from me too. Thinking of you and your friend.

[chickenanne]

You, and your freind, are both incredibly brave and doing so so well in such a terrible situation.

I'm not surprised how tired and drained you are; I genuinely believe that it's impossible to say "the right thing" in this kind of situation. If anyone knew the solution for grief and sadness and difficult family relationships, that person would be ...? I dunno, a millionaire, a saint, whatever. No-one has a magic potion to make greif go away, so please don't feel like you should be able to "do more", or "make it all better".

I'd think that the Dad didn't say how ill Mum was to avoid upsetting your freind and keep the lat months as normal as possible: perhaps her Mum wanted things to be as everyday as possible, too. IMO the wrong decision, but not one made out of malice or lack of caring; everyone makes these huge mistakes, even parents.

Perhaps he is unable to bear his own misery, and feels it's too much. Then he isn't going to have the strength to look out from his own big, black pit and see that his daughters need him, too. I think the only way forward is for your freind and her sister to speak to their Dad about how they feel and talk it through. It will be very very difficult and upsetting for all, and take a lot of courage for your firend and her sister to do, but I can't see how else they can re-establish a good relationship with her father, which is something she really needs now. And it sounds like your freind is strong and insightful enough to be able to do this.

[hilda-and-evadne]

Bad news . My friend & her dad were going to spend some time together today, bit of 'father & daughter' bonding .. Untill her dad realised he'd arranged to go out for the day with his new wife.

 

Now you can add me to the queue of those wanting to give your friend's dad a slap.

 

I miss the way she used to leave the spoon in the cup of tea for me, the way she used to smell, her hugs, the way she'd always tell me that everything would be alright, the way she'd do her hair and make up, Laura, I miss her so much and I just want her back so badly." .

 

Of course she does. It is natural and probably will never go away, just get a little bit less painful. You only ever have one mum.

 

Oh, and also, her dad won't let her stay at my house for 2 nights this week, he thinks that too many people will be asking questions and he wants to keep himself to himself. More like he knows what people think of him and his wife, and thats why they didnt even tell anyone they were getting married, havent given anyone their new address, and dont speak to anyone from the village anymore!! *sighs*.

 

This is seriously weird. Is the dad ashamed of his new wife? Is the new wife insecure enough and unkind enough to want to get rid of all sign of your friend's family's life before she came on the scene. This is very common ("I want to be able to believe that your life before me didn't happen") but it will end in your friend and her sister, in effect, losing their dad as well as their mum.

 

The new wife/step-mum is misusing her position and being incredibly immature and selfish. And the dad, having found another supply to meet his fragile "narcissistic needs" - being praised, "mothered", fed, laundry done, etc - to keep himself intact, sees no reason to consider anyone else.

 

It is the step-mum's behaviour that makes me feel very pessimistic about any of this turning out well for the dad's two daughters. Perhaps they could go and have £50-worth of advice from a family law solicitor, eg ask the solicitor if they can divorce their father and step-mother "so as not to be in their way any more".

[chickencam]

There is another organisation which may be able to give her some help. It is geared towards children and young people who have lost parents or siblings.

 

http://www.winstonswish.org.uk

[hillfamily]

Just wanted to let you know I'll be thinking of you this afternoon - sending big hugs to you and your friend :D

 

I think you show a maturity and sensitivity beyond your years and your friend is very lucky to have you supporting and helping her through this terrible terrible time.

[alih]

I think you and your friend are doing amazingly considering what she has been through. Most people have said this already, but any mum of teenage girls - or any child come to that- adores their child more than anything or anyone else in the whole world and knows that love is mutual, whatever is said by them. My daughters often tell me I annoy them or that they are fed up with my rules etc but we watch our children grow every day of their lives and know their moods - she has nothing to feel guilty about at all.

 

I too am concerned about the stepmother's reaction to this. My husband lost his first wife when his 2 children were tiny, so they don't really remember her, but we have photos, memory boxes etc and talk about her - I do this with them too and hope to goodness it reinforces their sense of her and how much she loved them. Now it seems normal to me to do this, but if I didn't I would expect my husband to object or do it more himself - I agree with mrs B that maybe her dad is too deep in his own grief and guilt-stricken to communicate properly with her. But she and her sister would do well to keep at him - he is their dad and loves them and will hopefully get the message soon how much his children need him at this time.

 

i can't really add much to the wonderful things other people have said but you are clearly a fantastic friend. Good on you - she will thank you forever for being there for her at this terrible time.

[Egluntyne]

I'm sure she would be glad of the support Laura.

 

If she asks you to go then it shows that she values your friendship very highly.

 

You could always go along and wait outside for her if she feels that she wants to speak privately to the counsellor. You could perhaps suggest this option to her.

[deejmum]

If she feels that she wants you by her side then go with her . The counseller will guide you I am sure, as to whether you should stay or not. She may want you there so that she has somebody to chat to in depth about what went on, without having to tell you everything again.

[alih]

don't forget that the counsellor will be used to dealing with this sort of situation and will let you know if she thinks you should wait outside but at least if you go you will be there for her when she comes out.

[Looney]

If you are happy to go along with your friend then I'm sure she would appreciate it and feel less nervous .

 

Re the step mum, if she wants to be childish then let her. It will come back and bite her on the bum eventually. You need to be the one that maintains a neutral, "adult" attitude to her (at least to her face ) so that she knows that she isn't having any impact on you (even if she is). She will either give up trying to wind you up when she doesn't get the desired outcome or show herself up to be childish. More hard work for you I'm afraid Such a mean thing to do to let you stand in the rain but if that's how she gets her kicks then just feel sorry for her!

 

Keep going, you're doing fantastically well in supporting your friend

[Snowy]

You are doing a great job Laura - well done.

I am amazed at your friend's stepmum's behaviour. Adults can be so incredibly childish sometimes. *shakes head*