Space Chick Posted August 2, 2009 Share Posted August 2, 2009 I'm pleased ANH, would be good to have contact whilst your brother is there, safety in numbers, and you can keep her at arms length so to speak, whilst not cutting off all contact Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jackiepoppies Posted August 2, 2009 Share Posted August 2, 2009 Oh Vicki, I do so hope things go well for you Please do not let yourself be emotionally battered by her again, you really do not deserve it. I know this sounds negative (which is not like me normally) but I am concerned for you. You have come through so much, so well, it would be horrible to see you hurt again. Huge Hugs Jx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Valkyrie Posted August 2, 2009 Share Posted August 2, 2009 Take care lil ANH. At least she can't say anything bad if your brother is there to witness things. Good luck and fingers crossed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chickencam Posted August 2, 2009 Share Posted August 2, 2009 It sounds like seeing her with your brother is a good idea that way there will be no Chinese whispers from her to him and back again. Hope it goes well for you all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lesley Posted August 3, 2009 Share Posted August 3, 2009 I hope it goes well for you ANH. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seagazer Posted August 3, 2009 Share Posted August 3, 2009 I agree with Chickencam that contact with your mum would probably be better when your brother is there. At least then if your mum starts he can witness it. Sending {{{{hugs}}}} Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
susanbb Posted August 3, 2009 Share Posted August 3, 2009 Hope all goes well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tiggy Posted August 3, 2009 Share Posted August 3, 2009 good luck Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
theherd123 Posted August 3, 2009 Share Posted August 3, 2009 Wishing you all the best ANH im sure it will all be ok - saftey in numbers and all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
earthmam1 Posted August 3, 2009 Share Posted August 3, 2009 Hi I have been reading your thread for a while and havent commented before. You have had a lot of really good advice from everyone. It does seem that there are a lot of us who for some reason or another have huge problems with mothers. It doesnt get better as we get older. My mother has always been difficult from as way back as I remember and as I get older (50s) and look back I do think jealously is at the root of the cause. Like you my dad ended up in a home (with parkinsons and dementia) and I had a huge problem with my mum from not talking to me, to saying I prefered my dad to her, screaming at me and also at OH. I too had to walk away for a while and when I did it occured to me that she was jealous of me being my age (younger than her) children at home, husband at home, infact everything she wanted (she had always been the centre of attention and now my dad was). My dad and her never really got on (never celebrated a wedding aniversay but were married for 60 odd years). It was really sad. It did get a bit better when my dad died and perhaps it will with you. I do see her now. She loves her grandchildren (mine are now grownup) but she is still trying to make me feel guilty only now it doesnt work. I have mellowed also as I have got older. She does get on better with my sister who has a difficult marriage who relies on her. Maybe it makes here feel wanted I dont know. All I can say is if you do say away dont feel bad, "Ooops, word censored!"ody said we have to like our parents and they have to like us. sue Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ain't Nobody Here Posted August 24, 2009 Author Share Posted August 24, 2009 So much for that plan . Dad told me my brother was coming this weekend so I was expecting a call to arrange lunch with him and mum. Not a dickybird . Now, the ball was in their court - I'd said he should get in touch next time he was down here. I checked the visitors' book today in case dad had got it wrong but no, brother & mum had been in to see dad twice over the w/e. The last thing I said to him 3 weeks ago, in a very lighthearted manner, was keep in touch and let me know when you're visiting mum. What is he playing at ? Is he deliberately sabotageing my attempt to reconcile with mum or is he just completely useless ? I give up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Space Chick Posted August 24, 2009 Share Posted August 24, 2009 Oh ANH I am sorry. He does seem to have been out of order recently. I think you could give him the benefit of doubt about his birth family, but now there is another "incident" it is a worry. Maybe a casual text or call asking when he is planning to come down as you thought it was last weekend and didn't hear from him. You don't have to mention the visitors book Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Olly Posted August 24, 2009 Share Posted August 24, 2009 oh dear! Don't know what to suggest. Do you think maybe he just can't stand the strain of having your mum go on about you, and he's decided to play along with her when he's visiting? I do think you should contact him and find out what's going on, one way or another. You need to communicate about both your mum and your dad. What doesn't break us, makes us strong ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sparkysmum Posted August 24, 2009 Share Posted August 24, 2009 ANH, I'm so sorry you're having such a terrible time with your family. You always do your best to be fair & seem to have been thwarted (?) again. I think I'd be tempted to have a few words with your brother if this wouldn't risk alienating him. Wish things were simpler for you. Ax Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lesley Posted August 25, 2009 Share Posted August 25, 2009 So sorry ANH - I agree with the others.....have a word with him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Happy chickens! Posted August 25, 2009 Share Posted August 25, 2009 Sorry you're still having a rough time with your family. Hope you can move forward somehow. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ain't Nobody Here Posted August 25, 2009 Author Share Posted August 25, 2009 I give up . I took your advice and texted saying "Will you be down this weekend? Expected you last weekend!" Reply said: "No was actually down briefly last weekend sat pm to sun. Suggested lunch but caused panic ...." I replied: "What happened to keeping in touch!! You promised! Mum can suit herself, the ball's in her court. What the "heck" is there to panic about?" Waiting for his response . I've made the effort, if she wants to behave like this then let her. I don't see there's much else I can do . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chook n Boo Mum Posted August 25, 2009 Share Posted August 25, 2009 Not sure what to add, just more {{{hugs}}} !! Sha x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Valkyrie Posted August 25, 2009 Share Posted August 25, 2009 Sounds like he checked in with mother first. Men just don't know how to handle mums very well - it's not his fault really (especially as she sounds a dominating character). Keep your cool though and just hang in there. Here's a non fattening comforter for you: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
susanbb Posted August 25, 2009 Share Posted August 25, 2009 You always make the effort ANH, You need not worry about that. Take care and thinking of you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ain't Nobody Here Posted August 28, 2009 Author Share Posted August 28, 2009 I know I had decided to "build a bridge and get over it" (love that saying ) but I'm furious now so have just come on to rant . I didn't get a response to Monday's text so sent a quick one this morning asking if he had received it and did mum never want to have lunch? I also said we really need to sort things out. His response? "I don't have any suggestions of how to change things and don't really enjoy the pig in the middle position. What do you suggest?" It's his choice to be "pig in the middle". He doesn't keep in touch with me or tell me anything about mum's mental or physical state. I certainly don't pester him - we haven't had contact for almost 3 weeks. Does he think I enjoy the position I'm in? He has the capability to help fix this but obviously can't be bothered or just wants an easy life. He hasn't even bothered to tell me what he means by ".... suggested lunch and caused panic ...". Is he expecting me to step in like I did last year if mum becomes ill or infirm? Is he planning to move down here? (yeah, right) What if dad dies and mum and I haven't reconciled? That will be just horrible and is one of the main reasons I wanted to sort it all out. I haven't responded as I need time to calm down. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WarrensWorld Posted August 28, 2009 Share Posted August 28, 2009 I haven't seen or spoken to my mother in over 33 years. I still need time to calm down..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clootie Posted August 28, 2009 Share Posted August 28, 2009 I haven't seen or spoken to my mother in over 33 years. I still need time to calm down..... could we be related WW? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WarrensWorld Posted August 28, 2009 Share Posted August 28, 2009 could we be related WW? 'Clootie' well my Gt, Gt, Great grandfather came from Norfolk......... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clootie Posted August 28, 2009 Share Posted August 28, 2009 Mine didn't !! We're all north of the border !! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
