Single hen

[Yorkshire Pudding]

My cousin is getting married in July.

 

The reception venue only holds 80. Originally it was to be adults only at the wedding breakfast, with children eating and being entertained in an adjacent room.

 

Now I am told that the groom's neice and nephew are to attend the wedding breakfast but no other children, and that mine, my niece and the children of one other family will be looked after by babysitters they don't know, half an hour away.

 

Only those children whose families are travelling any distance are to be sent away like this, local friends and other family are leaving theirs with relatives. I can't do this as my relatives will be attending!

 

I'm really not happy about it, in fact I feel hurt. My kids will be travelling a long way, my niece will be travelling 300 miles, only to be excluded from the 'party'. Also, what happens if there is a problem - it's quite a distance and through Friday rush hour traffic. My niece is ony 3.

 

Am I being oversensitive in thinking this isn't acceptable?

[Snowy]

It would certainly be unacceptable to me. I wouldn't be happy with my children being looked after by a stranger and be so far away. I don't think you are being over sensitive at all.

[theherd123]

In a word, NO!

 

I think its unacceptable to expect families to travel miles to a wedding only for their children to be excluded and be handed over to a stranger you & they dont know for the evening.

 

Personally i cant understand the 'adults only' approach to a wedding as i believe that weddings are a time for all members of the family to celebrate, and anyway whats a wedding reception if there isnt a small group of children running across the dancefloor and sliding on their knees!!!

[Cooks]

It would certainly be unacceptable to me. I wouldn't be happy with my children being looked after by a stranger and be so far away. I don't think you are being over sensitive at all.

 

 

I totally agree, I would go loopy if anyone even suggested this to me.

[Chickvic]

I don't think it's very fair, I wouldn't want mine to be stuck somewhere without anyone they knew Seems really odd to expect you to travel miles and then not spend any time together.

[hillfamily]

No you are not being over-sensitive - I can't believe that they think this would be acceptable to any parent

[Cooks]

I can only assume this couple who are getting married do not have children yet??? the thought of those poor children not being included is horrible!

[tiggerlady]

My sister did something similar when she 'hosted' my Nan's wake! My YS was banned..ok he was only 2 at the time..but I could get him looked after for the service but not the bash afterwards.I took him round to her house and she threw a wobbly about it..I think it would have spoiled her 'garden party' I went in,babe in arms,saw my grandad and family and told them in no uncertain terms why we could't stay. she then started a blazing row,following me down the street shouting! I still have'nt forgiven her for it!

I also think that weddings are for all the family and it certainly wouldbt be acceptable to have the children minded at a different location I think the first suggestion was the best,an adjacent room. Perhaps if all the people with children wrote to the bride and groom declining the invite and making it clear why,they might have a re-think?

[Janty]

Don't shoot me but I have to say that when I got married I invited adults only to the day and evening 'do's'. I spoke personally to people who had children and explained my reasons for this. However, I didn't have the situation where anybody had to travel any distance to get to the wedding.

 

I don't like little children and I like their parents even less when they don't keep them under control and we had several people coming who display a laid back approach to parenting to say the least. It was our wedding and we wanted it our way. Most people viewed it as an excuse to have time on their own for a change.

 

However, having said that, the wedding that you have described is not based on a similar dislike of children! If one set is allowed, then all should be allowed. Childcare with a stranger seems very odd to say the least. I'd have a chat with the couple and express your concerns over this unfair situation.

[Clur]

I have two young kids and have been invited to adults-only weddings. I don't have an issue with it as I refused to compromise for my own wedding and made sure I had the day I wanted (including lots of kids there!).

 

Personally I'd try and organise child-care at home and if I couldn't get it, I wouldn't go. I certainly wouldn't leave my kids with strangers in a place they're unfamiliar with. Sounds as though the bride and groom have tried to be 'helpful' in organising cover, but sadly gone a bit wide of the mark.

[Ygerna]

I would be equally upset about leaving my children with strangers who are half an hour away. I would be angry about certain children being made an exception to this rule.

 

I agree with P P that wedding are personal and each to their own, but a little curtesy call to explain the no children thing would be polite.

 

As for no children at a funeral, when my hubby's grandfather died last year, his grandmother was most adamant that the children DID come. She, and many others took pleasure from seeing them playing and laughing together with some toys after the service.

[Yorkshire Pudding]

Thanks all.

 

I do understand the 'no children' option at weddings, it's up to the bride and groom, but this isn't what my cousin and partner are proposing - as I said, his niece and nephew are included. I find it quite hurtful that they are included and other children aren't, all of them are family, whether immediate or extended family. We're a close family and children have never been excluded from any family event before - they will find it very difficult to understand.

 

The difficulty comes from the section after the church service, when there is a gap of at least four hours before the evening reception. It's this period that they are proposing sending the children elsewhere. They are invited to the evening reception and the church service, but not the wedding breakfast and speeches. They've been to lots of weddings, my cousin was at many of them herself, so she knows she need have no worries about their behaviour spoiling her day - it won't.

 

This only affects my children, my sister's children and the family of another cousin who is also travelling some distance and has 3 teens and a 2-year-old. The children of cousins on the other side of the family (all local) are being cared for by grandparents on that side, but neither myself, my sister nor the other cousin will have this option.

 

It also seems odd to me that my primary age children, two toddlers and 3 older teens are all to be excluded in this way - if I was the 18-year-old I would be furious at being included with the tots rather than the adults.

 

We are going to a famliy party next weekend when there will be the chance to discuss this, neither my sister nor cousin are aware of it yet. I will have to go with a plan and refuse to be a pushover, making it very clear why I feel this is not acceptable. If they cannot change their views, I will be forced to decline their wedding invitation, possibly causing a family rift that will take years to heal.

[chelsea]

I have heard of and have been to lots of "no children" weddings which is fair enough. As you say this scenario you have is a little bit odd.. I think they need to make their mind up to be honest and I think it would be better saying "no children" at all for example rather than saying yes children can come but we will stick them in another venue!

[Hen Watch]

Oh Helen, I'm torn on this one. Are the bride and groom a young couple with no children?

 

I hate to say this but when I got married 17 years ago I was only 21. I wasn't a big fan of children back then and didn't want any at my wedding. Now luckily as I was so young, none of our friends had children and it was really only workmates who I invited as couples but not their kids. No idea if it annoyed them, but at the time it didn't cross my mind at all. And, money was tight, so guests came to the wedding and went home for a few hours before coming to the evening buffet. Only 20 close family came to the wedding breakfast. It was a cost thing. But again, as a young 21 year old, it didn't occur to me that it would put anyone out and I was swept away planning my big day.

 

HOWEVER....... now older and wiser with 3 children of my own, I would be just as offended as you if my children were not invited to a wedding. So that may sound a bit two faced but you get older and wiser don't you. My sister (mid 30s) is planning her wedding this year and since she has 2 toddlers already then the whole focus of the wedding is getting a venue they can run around in, not too near roads etc where they can wander off, so a nice enclosed space etc.

 

So I can understand your feelings but I do think bride/grooms plan their wedding to suit themselves (and you can understand that) and maybe they are not meaning to intentionally offend you..... just maybe not putting enough thought into it. Or perhaps they think that they are being "fair" by saying no to children whether they live closeby or not. Difficult one isn't it.....

[Plum]

Well YP I had the same problem years ago. We lived in Yorkshire and the wedding was in London. I had no relatives near that could look after them and YS was only 2/52 old. We negotiated and kept them under control. Why not talk to them about your reasons and perhaps they'll make an exception for you? After all they have done it for the other children probably for the same reason.

[Yorkshire Pudding]

I realise that this isn't an intentional slight, and I do understand the difficulties in trying to please everyone, but it seems unfair when the grooms family are taking their kids! One of the bridesmaids is going home after the service as she isn't included in the meal and speeches, although her parents will be there. Having her at the service but not afterwards seems odd. For my own children, they see the party after the service as the reward for being good throughout what is for them not a very enjoyable couple of hours sitting quietly and posing for photos. They won't see being sent off with strangers for four hours as much of a carrot!

 

I wish my cousin would make a decision one way or the other - either she wants to have the children included in the day, or not. She's 33 and her fiance a little older, most of their friends have children, although they have none of their own. I think if I were local and could arrange suitable childcare myself there would be less of an issue, although if other family members' children were included and mine excluded I would still feel unhappy about it.

 

The fact is that my sister and I would be (willingly) travelling for hours to attend this wedding. We both have young families and can't arrange alternative care for them for that length of time. Our cousin knows this and has tried to make arrangements but they are wholly unsuitable, when originally there was a suitable arrangement in place.

 

When booking the venue she remarked that it was lovely but just too small, as she couldn't fit everyone in and would have to find another - despite this she booked it, and is now trying to reduce numbers. She knows we can't attend without the kids, but has dropped the acceptable childcare arrangement that was originally part of the booking - I don't know why.

 

I feel I'm being forced into a corner - I spoke to my aunt at the weekend who raised the subject and I made my very strong reservations clear to her - politely and nicely, but clear. She didn't sound pleased that I wasn't happy to just go along with their plan. I don't want to cause a family argument but I cannot put my cousin before my children.

[Guest]

I too think the "no children" option at the wedding is a good idea.

 

I don't think having your kids looked after by strangers is great though.

 

I would either not bother and save myself the cost of the journey and present.

 

OR

 

Go to the church with the kids then take them off somewhere for the afternoon and join the party for the evening do.

 

I actually once went to a wedding where many of us were invited to the church and then the evening do - the reception venue was limited on numbers for the meal so we all took ourselves out for the afternoon to a nice pub for a long lunch.

[Yorkshire Pudding]

I had considered that option Pengy, and I mentioned it to my aunt. She was less than impressed, sadly. It might have solved the problem, but it was a case of 'But you can't miss the wedding breakfast'. I might have no choice at this rate!

[chelsea]

 

Go to the church with the kids then take them off somewhere for the afternoon and join the party for the evening do.

 

.

 

I think that's a great idea actually and it covers all options - you feel comfortable as you have been to the wedding, your children arent left with strangers and they can let their hair down in the evening.

 

I think your Auntie should be happy with what you want to do and feel comfortable with really Helen .

[BeckyBoo]

I think taking yourself off for the afternoon might be a good compromise. I'm not sure I think you should have to make it, but instead of being defensive about it (they sound as though they're forcing you into a corner) just be really nice, and kind when you say, "I'm really sorry, and I appreciate the offer of childcare as I would LOVE to come to the wedding breakfast, but I really can't just leave my children with people I don't know and who THEY don't know for four hours, I wouldn't be able to concentrate on the celebrations, so we'll come to the wedding itself and then come back in time for the party at the end"

Job done. No rift as you are being Mrs Nice about the whole thing, you're not criticising their plans even if they seem fairly fundamentally flawed and you're still putting yourself out to fit around their big day.

 

I always try to say to people with no kids when they come up with something half cocked - would you treat a diamond necklace like that? Would you hand over a half a million pound diamond necklace to someone you'd never seen before and then leave it with them for four hours? Probably not. My kids are worth more to me than anything in the world, I won't hand them to just anyone either.

Plus much as I don't like COMPLETE disruption at weddings or funerals, unless something is completely formal then the sound of childrens laughter can be a real joy. Big occasions like weddings etc to me are a celebration of life, what else celebrates life more than a child laughing?

 

Hope it resolves, this is a right old ramble I've written but there you go!

 

BeckyBoo

[Snowy]

Yes you do have a choice - just as the bride and groom have a choice about their wedding. They have to accept that their plans are not going to suit everyone and will have to deal with that. Your children come first and if they don't understand that, it's their lookout I'm afraid. I would also take the children to the church then take them out for a few hours fun, then go back for the evening do. If people choose to take offense at that, when none is meant, it is exactly that, their choice. Don't give way to emotional blackmail!

[Nutmeg]

 

I will have to go with a plan and refuse to be a pushover, making it very clear why I feel this is not acceptable. If they cannot change their views, I will be forced to decline their wedding invitation, possibly causing a family rift that will take years to heal.

 

If it was me I would state that whilst I find it acceptable for a bride and groom to choose not to have children at the wedding, as a Parent, it is not acceptable to me for my children to be 1/2 hour away being looked after by someone I have absolutely no knowledge of, therefore I regret that I will be unable to accept your invitation.

 

I wouldn't even attempt to change their views, they could take it or leave it and if it caused a family feud, so be it. I would tell them I was not prepared to compromise my children being looked after by a stranger for the sake of a piece of wedding cake and some confetti throwing! (OK, ignore that bit, because that would be childish!)

 

As you rightly said you cannot choose your cousin over your children and it doesn't sound as if they are going to back down.

 

Good luck in your decision in what sounds like a bizarre and not very well thought through invitation.

[Ygerna]

I think taking yourself off for the afternoon might be a good compromise. I'm not sure I think you should have to make it, but instead of being defensive about it (they sound as though they're forcing you into a corner) just be really nice, and kind when you say, "I'm really sorry, and I appreciate the offer of childcare as I would LOVE to come to the wedding breakfast, but I really can't just leave my children with people I don't know and who THEY don't know for four hours, I wouldn't be able to concentrate on the celebrations, so we'll come to the wedding itself and then come back in time for the party at the end"

Job done. No rift as you are being Mrs Nice about the whole thing, you're not criticising their plans even if they seem fairly fundamentally flawed and you're still putting yourself out to fit around their big day.

 

I always try to say to people with no kids when they come up with something half cocked - would you treat a diamond necklace like that? Would you hand over a half a million pound diamond necklace to someone you'd never seen before and then leave it with them for four hours? Probably not. My kids are worth more to me than anything in the world, I won't hand them to just anyone either.

Plus much as I don't like COMPLETE disruption at weddings or funerals, unless something is completely formal then the sound of childrens laughter can be a real joy. Big occasions like weddings etc to me are a celebration of life, what else celebrates life more than a child laughing?

 

Hope it resolves, this is a right old ramble I've written but there you go!

 

BeckyBoo

 

Sound advice here I think...

[Plum]

Some people need time to think about things. You spoke to your aunt at the weekend, she may yet come back with a change of heart when she's had time to consider.

[TAJ]

The formal part of the 'do' is usually very expensive 'per head' and they may be tightly controlling their budget - are both families the same size? It may be on the grooms side he has less relatives, so they may have agreed equal number of seats for each family.

 

I think finding something local to do with the kids in the afternoon sounds the best bet - it is up to them how they chose to run their wedding, but it is your choice if you agree to the 'terms' of the invitation offered to you.

 

Tracy