Egluntyne Posted March 9, 2009 Share Posted March 9, 2009 If you aren't in the habit of leaving your children with total strangers, whose references you haven't personally checked, and about whom you haven't had so much as a personal recommendation, then I don't see why you should be expected to do it on this particular day. Difficult situation, but I too would go for the church and evening do option. In 10 years time, if they have a family of their own, they will cringe with embarrassment about this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mostin Posted March 9, 2009 Share Posted March 9, 2009 I have to admit to being one of the "no kids at my wedding" group. I did give in however and we allowed my OH's 2 nieces and my brothers 2 sprogs to the whole thing on the condition that if any child made a noise during the ceremony they would be taken out immediately. My own family embarassed me nicely and my darling nephew screamed through the entire service and was NOT removed by my SIL . So if I had my time again there would no children there. Personal rant over! After saying all of that though, I think your point of view is totally valid. I don't really like kids but even I know that no normal parent wants to leave their child with a stranger for hours at a time, when they can't even get to them quickly in an emergency. It may be the "bride and grooms day", but does that mean you have to risk your children? I think not! They are entitled to whatever wedding they want, but because of that, they have to be prepared for people not to attend. You can't have your cake and eat it. I think you should either go to the service, have an afternoon out with the kids, then go to the evening do together, or just give the whole thing a miss. Don't make it into a big thing with your family. Just smile sweetly, and say that "of course they must understand how you can't leave your children with a stranger, you're just not that kind of parent." Good luck. Weddings really bring out the best in families don't they Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cate in NZ Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 I was also in the no children at my wedding band, but I was only 23 and quite literally none of my friends or family had young children, nor did my hubby's family, so there were simply no children to invite . My bridesmaids were my best friend & adult sisters, in fact my youngest sister who was 18 at the time would have been the youngest guest. Of course, if I was going to get married now things would be very different. We had the same sort of invite to one of my husband's cousin's weddings about 10 years ago, when my children were still quite young, and I remember being as mad as hell about it, but there was very little I could do, the bride & groom had made their decision, whether it was based on budget, venue size or dislike of children I have no idea. Anyway we all went to the church, hubby attended the service & reception, the children & I stayed outside the church so that daughter could see the bride arrive then we went off and spent the day in a local farm park thing followed by a meal in a child friendly pub and we probably had much more fun than we would have done at a wedding and formal meal. Children were allowed to the evening function, so we went along to that for a short while before hustling hubby away early on the pretext that the children had to get back to bed at a reasonable time. I think that the decision is entirely yours, personally I agree with BeckyBoo and I wouldn't knowingly compromise my children's happiness & well being for anyone. The bride & groom are entitled to have the wedding that they want, and if that excludes children, well that's sad, but their choice. However you have a choice too...you certainly don't have to go along with their ill thought out plans to keep the family peace. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chickenanne Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 I too would go for the Mrs Nice option. Be really smiley and kind about it, but just say that you don't want the kids to be looked after by a stranger, even though you trust the bride and grooms judgement in choosing childcare you wouldn't be able to relax. So say you would love to go to the ceremony, and the evening reception, but won't be able to make the meal. If you're ultra nice about it but stand your ground then they won't have any reason to fall out about it. They are trying to please everyone re: the kids, and have ended up pleasing no-one; at least tried to make sure people have childcare available on the day. Perhaps they would prefer to have none but maybe the grooms' brother/sister is being very foreceful about hers, and have bullied them into inviting the neice and nephew. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rhapsody Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 All sounds like Bridezilla Attacks to me! If you don't want kids at your wedding (and lets face it some are truly repulsive in company) then explain, be honest about it and let people make alternative arragements well in advance (these things usually get organised at a year's notice, don't they?) But all this 'bring 'em, don't bring 'em, leave 'em over there, bring 'em later so people don't think we are total so-and so's' is a load of horse doings. And why have only 2 kids at the function? They are going to be bored witless and probably more disruptive than if there were playmates around. Remind me again why me and OH ran away to the Caribbean alone to get hitched...... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bronze Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 The formal part of the 'do' is usually very expensive 'per head' and they may be tightly controlling their budget - are both families the same size? It may be on the grooms side he has less relatives, so they may have agreed equal number of seats for each family. I think finding something local to do with the kids in the afternoon sounds the best bet - it is up to them how they chose to run their wedding, but it is your choice if you agree to the 'terms' of the invitation offered to you. Tracy my first thought too. Also not just cost but fire regulation s numbers. We had children at ours but we also did the divide the guests between us thing. I have less family so I had more friends there. Worked out ok though as DH has less close friends. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Dogmother Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 It's hard because i can see both sides of this , and weddings always bring out the worst in families. I hate badly controlled children, but had loads of children at my wedding but then I knew that they'd be well behaved and it wasn't a long affair, and they made the day. I provided a corner for them to play in with colouring stuff and model making bits. It always happens that you're told 'no children' at a wedding only to find out that the happy couple have invited ones who they want. It's their wedding and they're entitled to do just that. Hopefully the invites have gone out well enough in advance for people to make other arrangements, or to make their excuses if they feel that they don't want to attend. I went to a wedding not long ago (where Rosie behaved impeccably ) and there was a young herbert of about 3, bored to tears, shouting and screaming and being ignored by his parents. I scooped him up and took him outside to play where he was happier. It's not really fair to expect tinies to behave in that sort of situation, having said that, Rosie was the youngest bridesmaid at a friends wedding; she was just 6 weeks old and slept all the way through despite being handed around. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aunty e Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 We said no children at our wedding, bar my little brothers, and my husband's cousins, all of whom were eight or over and behaved beautifully as it happens. I was only 23, and most of our friends were very young, and had no children. The one couple who did have a child (a two year old) brought her, having said that they would leave her at home. We had no place for her to sit, no food for her to eat, I was totally embarassed. And she babbled the whole way through the service and the vows and they didn't take her outside. And her idiot father held her above everybody's head in the group photo so we have a floating baby in our wedding picture. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seagazer Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 We had children at our wedding and they were beautifully behaved I'm glad to say. It sounds most unfair that some kids can go and some can't. I would be tempted to do the church and then go off and have a great day until the evening do. When my ES was only about 4 we visited some friend who lived in the Midlands. Unbeknown to us they had booked us to go out for the evening and had arranged a babysitter for our two children and their daughter. I was not at all happy but we went. When we were walking back to the house later in the evening I could hear ES screaming from about 100 yards away. Apparently he had spent most of the evening screaming and she had just left him on the floor crying . This was before we had mobiles but they had had the number of the place we were going. I felt absolutely awful, he took so long to calm down. They have never been left with anyone but family members since. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MedusA Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 Having just caught up with this thread, like others have said, my first thought was to only go to the parts of the wedding where the kids are accepted and spend the time with the kids in the afternoon. I certainly wouldn't want to leave them with someone I didn't know I could trust either. Whatever you decide, I do think a (polite) discussion about double standards is in order though. Also, if I was the parent of the bridesmaid who is excluded from the wedding breakfast, I would be withdrawing my child's services! I hope you manage to sort this out amicably and have a great day when it arrives. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bronze Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 I think it would be incredibly rude to say anything about double standards. When it comes down to it its their wedding, they are paying for it. You can either accept on their terms or politely refuse the invitation. Presumably they have their reasons for doing it this way and thats down to them. It doesn't make her a bridezilla or being mean on purpose it just means that for something they are probably paying a lot of money for they want to do it their way. If you don't like it politely decline. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fluffyknickers Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 When I got married I had "no children" to the wedding breakfast nor the evening - even though we had a 1 year old and my husbands daughter was around 5 years old (they were to go off to a house 1 minute walk from the venue to a friends mum who they know and then come back in the evening). If I was to have everyone's children there would have been a HUGE amount of children (about half and half adults to children) and I only could have (and afford) 70 to my sit down so would have had to NOT invited a lot of my friends. My SIL was annoyed at this and said at one stage that if her children werent invited (4 of them) then she wouldnt come. We had to say that it was shame she felt like that (she did have people to look after them) but she wouldnt be able to come then. If I had the money I would have liked to have had a room opposite the restaurant and hired entertainment and things for them to do and qualified carers - would have been a fortune though. Plus in my experience from having my own children at weddings, when they are young, they do not want to sit and listen to loads of adults talking and making speeches when they have to be quiet anyway. Plus, I love having a wedding with just my husband and I when we can have a lovely chilled out day relaxing. However I have also been to weddings with no children where my parents (who are our babysitters) have also been so had no one to look after my children so I have been to the wedding and my husband stayed at home - I am not annoyed with this as had the same and its up to the bride and groom. HOWEVER - I would not be happy if SOME children were invited and SOME were not. Do you know the reason why these children are allowed? A friend of mine has a child with Cystic Fibrosis and has to have a LOT of medication so no one else can look after him that doesnt care for him regularly - in this circumstance I would COMPLETELY understand. If there are no special circumstances then how is this fair? I would not be happy to hand my children over to total strangers who were taking them half an hour away - I would not do it. If they were in the same venue or next door and I could check they had CRBs and relevant expereince and qualifications and provisions then I would but would check on them regularly. So if they are not willing to have your children as well then only leaves you a couple of options to either not go at all or only go to some of it where the children are invited and then, as suggested, go off for a while for a nice lunch, day out etc then come back. They will not understand if they do not have children, however when/if they do have them I am sure one day they will realise (especially when someone reminds them!) that they too would not have handed their children over to strangers. Sorry for the waffling Michelle Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rhapsody Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 I think there is a world of difference between wanting those you care about to share your most joyful day, and making their lives more difficult with complicated rules. My Italian rellies just invite everyone they know, and their kids, and make whoopee. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kitchens Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 Oh my what a minefield. There are so many ways at looking at this. We went to a wedding recently with the 'no children' rule, but it was nice really as at was a very good friend's wedding and all my pals were there and we just relaxed and drank lots of wine - to have the children round would have been a complete nightmare (it was at High Rocks in Tunbridge Wells and for anyone who knows it - its not a child friendly venue), but .... if you were travelling to a family wedding and cannot leave your children at home with relatives, then it seems a bit unfair to exclude your children. I think someone on here mentioned an Italian wedding ... they are so lucky that they can have their parties outside, probably done on a very reasonable budget, but in this country I think its mainly due to the expense involved that means that children don't get included as they are considered a waste of an invite/money. If it was our culture to invite the 'whole village', then it wouldn't matter, but we have these 'do's' in small venues and due to our lovely health and safety regulations - the hotel/venue owners CANNOT go over their headcout or their insurance would be invalid. Sorry I'm waffling, but I suppose at the end of the day you need to respect what the bride and groom want because it will be them controlling the purse strings and if you are upset by it maybe you should think about not going, but don't cut your nose off to spite your face, if you think you may have a great time just you and hubby, maybe you could turn it into a romantic weekend away for yourselves??? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yorkshire Pudding Posted March 10, 2009 Author Share Posted March 10, 2009 That thought had occurred, but sadly the only people who could mind our boys for us to do that will also be at the same wedding, so it's a no-go. We're visiting them all at the weekend (my auntie's birthday) and there are promises to discuss it then, I hope it isn't going to cast a shadow over the party. I plan to be the loveliest cousin in the world and be very regretful that I can't accept their invitation as it stands; either I have to not go or miss the wedding breakfast to be with my children. At that point the ball is firmly back in their court and if they feel they must have me at their wedding (and they attended mine, it would be unthinkable not to go in our family - we're a small close unit) then something else needs to happen. It is their wedding and their choice and I don't plan to get shirty about that, the difficulty is that I can't easily accept or decline without displeasing someone. My poor Dad is very upset (this is his brothers daughter and his only niece). He was in the process of arranging to bring his London taxi from London to Newcastle to drive her to the church, my sister and I having travelled that way on our wedding days. This is going to be a really difficult thing to sort out and he is having to make a great deal of effort to get it to the right place, cleaned and dressed for her; his feelings have been very hurt that it seems that his own part of the family may be partly excluded from the celebrations. Our own wedding was a total family affair, lots friends, rellies and kids (including the one I was pregnant with!), all behaved beautifully. Our then 18 month-old-niece made our day by replying to the registrar when she asked if anyone knew any reason why we could not be joined etc. with 'Baa baa baa baa baa baa sheep'. Luckily, the registrar said, that didn't count as an objection! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Dogmother Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 I like that Helen. Children certainly make the event and in our family, someone always looks out for them. I had a white London taxi cab for my wedding too! By that stage, I'd lived and worked in London for 12 years, so it seemed fitting. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nutmeg Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 I plan to be the loveliest cousin in the world and be very regretful that I can't accept their invitation as it stands; either I have to not go or miss the wedding breakfast to be with my children. At that point the ball is firmly back in their court and if they feel they must have me at their wedding (and they attended mine, it would be unthinkable not to go in our family - we're a small close unit) then something else needs to happen. That sounds like a good plan, firmly but politely keep putting it back into their court, your children's safety and well-being is non-negotiable, but you are prepared to negotiate on whether you go off for the afternoon or have to decline; which option would work best for them? Not that I suggest you use the following as a bargaining tool, but I wonder if they have even thought through this 1/2 hour travelling distance to drop the children off? I presume it is 1/2 hour each way, meaning that you will be absent straight after the service for a good hour at least. Are they prepared to wait that long for photos, so you can be included? If they do photos, are they then prepared to wait an hour before the meal begins? Or are they planning on shipping the children off to this place in a mini-bus; surely they have thought through that various parents will have to take the children and then collect them! Sorry to rant on; your situation really touches a nerve with me as I have experienced a similar situation a couple of years ago. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chook n Boo Mum Posted March 11, 2009 Share Posted March 11, 2009 Difficult call, but the afternoon out sounds a good idea, if your boys are quite small, then you could even organise a "quiet time" so they are not over-tired in the evening. We went to a big family wedding in half term & everyone was invited (BiL does like a good party where he can show off!!!), children included. They were a joy to have on the dancefloor etc, and as there were so many of them, they entertained each other; my older ones watched their little cousins who hero-worship them. They were all very well behaved over the meal, partly I'm sure because each child under the age of 14 had a box of goodies to entertain them which were age appropriate. I know they are an added expense, but in my opinion were a wonderful idea as the children were entertained without hassle. http://www.eventsmiles.co.uk/?referrerMrs2Be For the previous niece's wedding, SiL made up bundles of colouring, puzzles, little toys etc etc for the children, so you wouldn't have to go to vast expense to sort a similar idea. For D(step)D's wedding, we gave the children a disposable camera each & they recorded the day from their perspective - not always successfully, but a lovely memento of the day for Big Sis. Another "extra" at the wedding was an artist milling around the room doing quick "cartoon" sketches of anyone who wanted one, don't know how much she cost, but was brilliant to watch! I know money is obviously tighter these days, but I definitely think that a little thought going into the little details makes such a difference in the long run. My wedding for the record, only had my god-daughter (10mnths) & her sister (5yrs) and DH's 3 children (16, 15 & 13) as they were the only children in existence at the time! Sha x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alis girls Posted March 12, 2009 Share Posted March 12, 2009 I invited kids to my wedding, I think the eldest was 5or 6 and the youngest 6weeks. They were lovely. My mum didnt want kids but I put my foot down. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jlo Posted March 14, 2009 Share Posted March 14, 2009 It sounds as though you have decided on a sensible way of dealing with the whole thing - although I am sure that there will be more drama to come! HOpe it all goes ok We didn't have many children at my wedding - just my then ten month old nephew. My sister cheerfully admitted that for months beforehand she had been showing him pictures of wedding dresses and pinching him at the same time because a wedding is not complete without a crying baby! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laura007 Posted March 15, 2009 Share Posted March 15, 2009 i have only just seen this!! no you are not being sensative at all. my folks were invited to my cousins wedding when i was a nipper and were told no children, my dads reply was you invite us as a family or not all, a wedding is a time to celebrate a s a familly, and kids are part of that family. radical reply i know, but it got the point across. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janty Posted March 15, 2009 Share Posted March 15, 2009 Surely a wedding is whatever the bride and groom want it to be as it's their day. What I hated most of all when I married the first time was the fact that the wedding had to please everybody else. When I married my current long suffering hubby, we did things our way and that included no children. As I said before, we spoke to everybody concerned and they welcomed the peace for the day. We married in an old stone building linked to St. Peters Brewery near Bungay, Suffolk. We had a variety of jugs of St. Peters Ale freely available on the tables all day and night as well as wines, etc. and wanted the adults to be able to enjoy themselves. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fluffyknickers Posted March 15, 2009 Share Posted March 15, 2009 Sorry, I know I am repeating but we had no children (not even our own all day) at our wedding and that was our choice, the same as if someone then felt if the children were not invited nor are they then that's their choice too. What is hard to understand is when some are invited and some aren't or when the facilities laid on arent suitable. x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janty Posted March 16, 2009 Share Posted March 16, 2009 What is hard to understand is when some are invited and some aren't or when the facilities laid on arent suitable. x I agree...can't have one rule for the bride's side and another for the groom's. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cordelia Posted March 18, 2009 Share Posted March 18, 2009 I know you dont want to miss the wedding..and sorry if I've missed some earlier posts, but if I were you, I just wouldnt go...... Explain, you'd love to attend, but cant leave the children, and cant arrange any alternative...and send a nice gift... that should be enough for anyone... and take yourselves out for a lovely meal that day.... ;-) For our wedding, we literally couldnt afford to include the children of my sisters and brothers and cousins, and my husbands neices and nepehews...as this added a nother 12 to the wedding party (which was under 30 as it was) My mum paid for our reception (and she's widowed) we had no wedding car 9my brother in law drove us in his Nissan Primera...ahem LOL) and the photographer was fortunately my excellent older cousin, a great amateur...(and good egg) So we politely sent out with the wedding invitations, and included in the ones with children, that were really sorry, but couldnt afford to include the children too.....(honesty was the best policy in our case) well my family understood...but my husbands family took huge offence ( they were only used to buffets, where the whole family turned up without invitation) ..and his family with children didnt come... his family who did come never RSVP'd...and some who we thought were coming, and had paid for and purchased button holes for...never came, and never bothered to let us know... I love his family LOL !!!!!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...