A chickychickychick-ENN!! Posted September 11, 2009 Share Posted September 11, 2009 As you probably know, OH and I are getting married in a fortnight. Just us, and two witnesses - friends, who have been chosen because one is very local (we're running away to her area to get married) and the other is a violinist old friend who is going to play the music. We didn't want to get into the politics/rigmarole/expense of a weddingy wedding, and we didn't want any guests because we wanted it to be just us, exchanging vows to each other. There would be a lot of politics given the size and backgrounds of our families even having a small 'immediate family' wedding. My father SUGGESTED we do this before we even got engaged, and I discussed it with him, and he said he wanted us to do what was right for us. He is now, two weeks beforehand, going in to sulky child mode, and is crying, and getting his wife to phone me up and ask that they don't come to the wedding, but if they happened to turn up, could they take photos so he has a photo of us on our special day. The tone is very controlling - very childlike, very 'but we only want' passive aggressive. Very 'it's just for your dad, not me' martyr mode. I have explained that we are not changing our plans, there was ample time for them to raise concerns MUCH earlier, and that it is unfair to OH's family to allow an 'accidental guest'. Besides which, we don't want any guests. Guests come with expectations of how they want your wedding to be. Especially family, and we're too old for that and not into that. We're getting long in the tooth and want something very small, and just us. My father's wife has said 'he would have paid for a reception and you came to our wedding and would have been upset if I'd said you couldn't come'. At that particular time, I was 18, still at school and homeless (my father had been very violent towards me as a teenager), she had moved in (about which I was clueless) and I found out they were getting married from someone I hadn't seen for a decade. I went to the wedding because when he finally told me, he said he wanted me there. It was a very difficult time, and I did what he wanted to keep the peace. She is saying he only said we should run away to get married because he thought it is what I wanted to hear (game playing) and that if we had gone away and told people when we got back, it would have been fine. We took the measured decision to tell family beforehand because OH thought his family would struggle more with us running away and not telling anyone than having prep time in advance to come to terms with the idea. She is saying in time, I will regret it if I don't have him there. I really won't. It is very unconventional, but I see our marriage as about us committing our love to each other. Not as a joining of two families, not as a showboat event. It is what we want. We are excluding EVERYONE, out of the hundreds of friends and family we have who would want to come. We knew people would be upset. But it is what we have chosen, as adults, to do. I am stressed to heck about this. Because it is controlling behaviour, something which has characterised our relationship for many years. He has had ample time to talk to me about this, and is raising it a fortnight before we are getting married. It is difficult because we do not have an adult relationship. He behaves like a controlling parent (I'm the wrong side of 35) or an anxious child, probably because of his upbringinging, and I find myself falling in to the role of controlled or anxious child in his presence. We do not relate well as two 'adult' adults. Something which I am trying to change through learning techniques in counselling. He won't change. We are not backing down. It saddens me he still continues these unhealthy behavioural patterns of tantrums and controlling behaviour. I needed to vent. Families eh? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Egluntyne Posted September 11, 2009 Share Posted September 11, 2009 Oh heck. Stand firm hon. It is your day, and given the history I can understand why you haven't included them on your guest list. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cinnamon Posted September 11, 2009 Share Posted September 11, 2009 Goodness,what a horrible position for you to be in. Well done for making the decision to have your day how you want it. Now you just need to be strong & stick to your guns! I know he is your Dad,but he sounds like a nightmare, & should not be allowed to be so manipulative. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clur Posted September 11, 2009 Share Posted September 11, 2009 Oh blimey, what a hard situation for you. You're doing what's right for you and your other half and realistically, even if people are disappointed they can't be there on the day, they should recognise you're doing what makes you happy. Your dad does sound like he's reverting to stroppy-child mode, so you have to continue being firm about your desires to have the wedding as you want. Perhaps to him it's a reminder he's not been the best of parents during your lifetime? Hope it settles down soon and you can relax and enjoy your day x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
A chickychickychick-ENN!! Posted September 11, 2009 Author Share Posted September 11, 2009 There is no guest list, Egluntine. Even if we got on exceptionally well, OH and me would still want our day this way. It's the controlling which is making me . He's 67. It's never going to change. Cinnamon - tips on not allowing the manipulation greatfully received! Goodness, it's hard work! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Griffin Posted September 11, 2009 Share Posted September 11, 2009 We're about to do the same thing, get married with "Ooops, word censored!"ody there! I've known my lovely OH for 15 years, and after a rocky start we've managed to stay together for almost 10 years now. It's about time we got married We're doing it just for us, and we know the kids will be overjoyed too because they often nag us. We're both very quiet, very private people and cannot imagine anything worse than being the centre of attention for the day. I hate his family, he hates mine, we have very few friends and to be honest are really struggling to think of two people we'd like there as witnesses. We just wanted it to be us and our girls. Any Omleteers fancy volunteering? We'll need two in Wantage at the end of October just for ten minutes or so Only one person in the world knows of our plans and that's an old schoolfriend who is a glass & silverware artist. I spotted a ring she made a while ago on her website so last week I asked her if she could make similar ones with my design on as wedding rings and she's agreed. We just need now to decide what to do for the rest of the day on 'our' day. We'll probably take the girls somewhere nice So I completely understand how you're feeling. Stick to your guns! None of our family know what we're doing, we'll tell them afterwards....... if we feel like it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sheilaz Posted September 11, 2009 Share Posted September 11, 2009 The wedding you have planned is perfect. I agree with your partner that announcing it after the event would have felt unnecessarily secretive. What you've said is perfectly fair to everyone, and if anyone has difficulty accepting it, then it's their problem not yours. Will someone perhaps take a snapshot of the happy couple on the day? Even if you don't want all the usual stuff, just one momento, nothing fancy. Then, anyone just wanting a photo can be sent a copy, but def. no need for any further discussion or game playing. As for the rest of it, reiterate the outright "No" then keep the answermachine on for the next fortnight, and look forward to the special vows you are taking. Friends or family who care will be delighted for you, they'll just be pleased that you're happy, and the rest don't deserve another thought. You're not doing anything wrong by having a simple ceremony, it sounds perfect. You've both been so considerate in not inviting some & not others, you've thought of everything. So, stick to what you've planned, refuse to discuss it further, and enjoy the next fortnight, the day itself, & beyond! Best wishes, I'm really happy for you both. ....oh, and 3 cheers to Griffin too! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cinnamon Posted September 11, 2009 Share Posted September 11, 2009 Cinnamon - tips on not allowing the manipulation greatfully received! Goodness, it's hard work! OK, tell him, quite up front 'I will not allow you to manipulate me in this way' I had a relative do the same sort of thing to me fairly recently,& she didn't even realise she was being manipulative,until I loudly & boldly pointed it out to her. Its even more effective if you have a bit of an audience Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
A chickychickychick-ENN!! Posted September 11, 2009 Author Share Posted September 11, 2009 (edited) We've got a photographer Sheila. We've got dress and suit, flowers, music, nice venue - and that's another one of her arguments - apparently he could have coped if we'd just had a simple registry office, but as it's 'a proper wedding' he's really upset. It's a 'proper wedding' FOR US. Not for him. What, he'd want us to sit in a gulag of a registry office in sackcloth so HE feels ok about it? We were planning to do small photo albums for him and for OH's mum so they can have a memento. All I'm hearing is small child me me me me me. It's not about him. It's about us. No guests. At all. Just us. Edited September 11, 2009 by Guest Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redwing Posted September 11, 2009 Share Posted September 11, 2009 With the family you have I would stand firm - your dad didn't do right by you when you were a child and you have no reason to consider him now Threaten to change the venue if they still say they will turn up I have a similarly problematic family having been thrown out at age 18 for dropping out of uni and a few years down the line my mum caused a scene on my wedding day and walked out which started a 7 year 'not talking' phase Its never worth it hun, you enjoy your day as it was planned Don't waste your emotions on people like that Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ClaireG Posted September 11, 2009 Share Posted September 11, 2009 ((hugs)) It's your day, you do it the way you want. I'm sure you didn't tell your Dad how you wanted his day to be. The album idea is great and means he will have a lovely momento. Tell him and his wife it's nothing against them personally, you don't want anyone there, just the two of you. Stay strong. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Space Chick Posted September 11, 2009 Share Posted September 11, 2009 Stick to your guns honey. When OH and I got married nearly 5 years ago, we also didn't want a fuss. Both of my parents had already passed away and I couldn't do a big wedding, it just wouldn't have been "us", so we decided to get married in Las Vegas. The only person whose blessing I wanted was my sisters, and she said "If thats what you want, I think its fantastic". We didn't tell hardly anyone else, just went. We witnessed 2 strangers (a couple from Wisconsin) and they witnessed us, and it was the perfect day, all about OH and I, our love, and wanting to be together. I can honestly say I haven't regretted it for a second. Oh and before anyone asks, Elvis was not there If I'd had a pound for everyone who has asked that question I'd be a wealthy woman Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sheilaz Posted September 11, 2009 Share Posted September 11, 2009 We've got a photographer Sheila. We've got dress and suit, flowers, music, nice venue - and that's another one of her arguments - apparently he could have coped if we'd just had a simple registry office, but as it's 'a proper wedding' he's really upset.... Even better. Enjoy every minute! I agree with the above about not wasting your emotions, so don't give it another thought now, what you're doing is wonderful. People don't have to be present to share your happiness, whether they choose to or not is up to them. Wishing you a truly fabulous day. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ain't Nobody Here Posted September 11, 2009 Share Posted September 11, 2009 I can't add anything more to the excellent comments above . I hope you have a fabulous day and don't waste any time worrying about anybody else . And congratulations to you, Griffin . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chickenanne Posted September 11, 2009 Share Posted September 11, 2009 You sound very sure of what you want, very sane, and very considerate. He is trying to manipulate you, of course, but you know that already. So don't let it grind you down or spoil your perfect wedding day. Simple and clear "no" is enough. If you get sucked into a big discussion then it becomes never ending. If you feel you have to explain to him then do so clearly, calmly, and once only, then leave it...don't get sucked into a discussion about it again: it's your decision, not his, just as it will be your marraige and not his. If he or his OH calls to discuss it, then a simple, clear "no" again; stay calm and remember you can always hang up the phone or walk away. Any attempt at emotional blackmail re: you going to his wedding is irrelevant. You don't need to even give him any details about the day until after the event (if you want to tell him about it at all) and keep it the way you want to have it, a private ceremony between you and OH. In the meantime, go make yourself a coffee/tea and sit in the sunshine watching the chickaddidles......relax, I'm sure it will all work out to be a beautiful day, and more importantly a fantastic marriage. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Happy chickens! Posted September 11, 2009 Share Posted September 11, 2009 I really feel for you. Your wedding is the most special day of your life, promising to love someone for ever is very personal and only you and your oh can know how you want your day. So many weddings now are events which bring families almost to nervous breakdowns, and you must hold your ground! Your dad wants you to be happy doesn't he? Ask him if he has thought about what will make you happiest, ie the small, perfect wedding. We had a no families wedding, we had had a personal tradgedy that year and couldn't face all the arguments, so we got married in church with just our parents and brother/sister there. The vicar was very understanding and we held it where the choir would normally sit so it felt more intimate and less empty in the big church. The whole extended family was very offended, some aunties didn't speak to me for years, didn't send cards etc, but 15 years down the line it is all water under the bridge. It was right for us and I have no regrets. Do what is right for you and yours and you will have no regrets either. Have a wonderful day and I hope you live happily ever after. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blackrocksrock Posted September 11, 2009 Share Posted September 11, 2009 Stick to your guns and have it your way - it is after all your big day and wrong side of 35 or not it is still your big day. They are just trying to make you feel guilty and wanting you to cave in. Enjoy it and remember it is a day just dedicated to you both and you will want to remember it for the rest of your life as a happy day. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clootie Posted September 11, 2009 Share Posted September 11, 2009 Shame on him for throwing this at you two weeks before your big day It's hard not to let this have some effect on you but you must do what is right for you and your beloved. You have COMPLETELY (imho) the right approach to marriage and the ceremony itself. Too many of these important occasions are swamped with pomp and circumstance and we tend to lose sight of the most important part of the whole thing, the two people making the commitment to one another, that is ALL that counts. Your friends and family should be happy for you whatever your choices and should plan to celebrate together at a later date. Your plans sound divine dahling - enjoy your day, making it one to remember looking utterly gorgeous and make your vows to the handsome dude in the suit. Just make sure it's your beloved though Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
A chickychickychick-ENN!! Posted September 11, 2009 Author Share Posted September 11, 2009 (edited) Thanks Cloots. The joint hen/stag the week before is sort of the celebration for everyone, although it's back to front by having it before. We can't afford a big do, so that way everyone can wish us well, but they pay their own way. Neither OH's nor my parent is coming. My father has said he doesn't want to as it's 'not his sort of thing' and his mother has said she doesn't want to either. But it has been offered. The invite net was cast wide. All of my friends and most of my family think we're doing the right thing. One of his sisters and my father seem to be the sticking points, although the sister wants us to do what makes us happy really. She has a bit of a Disney fairytale big wedding obsession as she has her own relationship issues, so that's understandable. The rest of his siblings and mother have been good about it. They are disappointed, but they understand, and want what is best for us. OH has said (to appease them) in theory we'll hold a big party later, but I don't see it happening. I refuse to organise it as being the centre of attention at a big do stresses me out (I'm stressed about the hen too, but it's a compromise), we can't afford it yet by a long chalk and I can't be bothered with all the politics which will be there (you've got the gist of my father, but a good handful of his uncles and aunts are like characters from the more extreme episodes of Shameless). His family want that more than mine do anyway, so I've said I'm not even thinking about it for a long time after the wedding or else the stress will bleed into the wedding time, and if he wants it, he needs to sort it. As his (the unsavoury elements of his) family have spent their entire lives on benefits, I'm not fussed about their whims about how we spend our money. When they earn their own keep, they can decide what to spend their money on. But even then, I don't think they have the right to make demands on ours which is earnt. We want a just us wedding. Just our vows and the simplest service. A nice lunch, some photos and then time together. Gah. Edited September 11, 2009 by Guest Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clootie Posted September 11, 2009 Share Posted September 11, 2009 Flippin families we took off and did it without telling anyone mwahahahahaha Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alis girls Posted September 11, 2009 Share Posted September 11, 2009 Stick with your plans and stuff them. i always say weddings, funerals and christenings bring out the worse in people. hes obviously a control freak. Stick to your guns and have a lovely day Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lesley Posted September 11, 2009 Share Posted September 11, 2009 I can't add anything to the excellent advice above. It's your day - stick to your guns - and really enjoy yourselves. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chickvic Posted September 11, 2009 Share Posted September 11, 2009 I can't add anything to the excellent advice above. It's your day - stick to your guns - and really enjoy yourselves. Exactly! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
A chickychickychick-ENN!! Posted September 11, 2009 Author Share Posted September 11, 2009 Thanks everyone. Go Omlet power. I'm having trouble shaking the bitterness at the pit of my ample stomach. Not because of any guilt, but because I am so angry that they are attempting to control us this way, and having known about the plans so long, are now trying to make this about them, when it is about us. We will have the conversation with them later putting our foot down. I have been practising mindfulness all day, but I'm not zen about it and don't want an emotional cloud over the big day and the build up to it because their behaviour is affecting me. Gah. Gah? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clootie Posted September 11, 2009 Share Posted September 11, 2009 and in through the nose .......... and aaahhhh ........ out through the mouth. Don't let them get to you. Don't let them think it's important enough to allow it to put a dark cloud over proceedings. Think nice thoughts and that feeling in the pit of your stomach? I used to get that on a very regular basis but that's another story. My advice is chocolate - cures all ills xxx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
