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[Chickendoodle]

Teenage years are so hard. My girls are 22 and 23 now so we are well out over the other side and it is lovely. I have 2 wonderful girls who are my friends as well as my daughters.

 

My eldest daughter was a textbook baby, toddler and delightful child until she reached 14 and then we had a few really nightmare years. The worry of waiting for her to come in was quite something else and I had less sleep then than when they were babies (I kept telling myself that staying awake wouldn't keep her any safer but unfortunately I wouldn't listen to myself!)

 

She stopped trying at school and got really bad results (from a girl who was tipped to be head girl!). Went to college for a few months and dropped out. Went to Australia for a year and basically grew up.

 

She has been working in Social Services for the past 3 years and next week starts a 3 year Social Work Degree course to become a qualified social worker. I am so proud of her.

 

My message to anyone with teenage worries is to sit tight, support them all you can and hope that they will turn out OK in the end as they usually will.

 

Classic comment from 14 yr old to me - "when I was little I thought you knew everything but now I am grown up I realise you know nothing". She appreciates now that I do know a little bit!

[poachedegg]

Dare I put my hand up and say I don't feel like that. Although it's not been smooth sailing with youngest DD and her teenage tantrums I just see it as another stage in their journey through life, if that makes sense.

 

Im with you.

 

I feel we have grown with our teenagers too, in that you can only make a decision you are comfortable with and explain to them why....and then stick with it! We have found with our teenagers (18 & 15), who are both boys, that to test the water with a little responsibility and if they prove themselves, then a little more is given and so forth, however if they don't prove themselves they only have themselves to blame.

 

Whilst it hasn't been plain sailing, it has worked very well and has been a learning curve to us as well.

 

I think the explainations rather than an outright 'no', also help, as it shows respect on both sides. I agree that boundaries are also essential, but be flexible to extend them if necessary if they stick to them and show responsibility.

 

It isn't easy, but it also doesn't have to be painful!

[laurmurf]

I agree with all of the above with one proviso - it's not just down to the parents!

 

If a child of any age wants to be a complete 'mare - in other words is not interested at all in co-operating - then all the parenting classes in the world won't change that; it will just change the way the parent on the receiving end is coping with it!

 

good luck to all of us who are doing our best to chart these particular waters.... paritcularly as the navigation seems to need to change on each voyage!

[chickencam]

I think that as parents we beat ourselves up too much. However open or understanding we are a lot of what happens to our teens is down to them and the company they keep.

 

I have been very lucky with my ED. She is 16 on Saturday and we are very close, I know most things that are going on in her life. She is the sort who wears her heart on her sleeve and loves to talk, but I am under no illusions that I know everything or that how she has turned out is all down to us as parents.

 

She has lovely friends and goes to an all girls school, which takes some of the pressure off. Some of her friends have had a few issues along the way but they have all been very supportive of each other. Whereas her best friend from primary school who was high flying and confident when she went to secondary school is now withdrawn and has a troubled relationship with her parents and is not achieving her full potential. I don't know how much of that is to do with the different schools that they both went to, their individual personalities or the friends that they have made. They drifted apart after primary school. I is probably a combination of all of these factors.

 

My son worries me because he has a tendency to clam up if he is unhappy and YD can be extremely stubbborn and will cut off her nose to spite her face at any opportunity. I think that most people continue to worry about their children for the rest of their lives it is part of the lot of a parent.

 

All that you can do is to keep calm, keep yourself available, keep talking and give out loads of cuddles when needed.

[Happy chickens!]

I think the problems change from lots of relatively small ones that can be overwhelming at the time, but usually solve themselves (sleep deprivation, potty training etc) in the end, to the odd biggy that is much harder to solve - contraception, bullying, drinking, money, etc. Emotions also muddy the water and the little darlings don't always share your point of view for some reason!!

 

Wouldn't be without them though!

[Jules.]

Can I recommend this book from the charity Care for the Family?

It's easy reading & full of common sense & advice

 

 

http://www.careforthefamily.org.uk/resources/product.asp?productid=1156&catcode=4

 

Edited to say I have a copy, PM me if you would like to borrow it

[alih]

Have just ordered myself a copy, thanks Jules.

 

Really interesting to read this thread - it is the same when I talk to friend with children the same age... it seems if we keep talking and they keep talking we should all be ok ish!

 

Has all been put into perspective today by my learning that a collague's 19-year-old daughter recently committed suicide. Absolutely devastating news, and I can't imagine how her parents and siblings must be feeling.

 

Let's all keep talking to our children, and my, it does me good to talk to my fellow Omleteers

[Jules.]

 

Will you give us your opinion on it when you've read it, please?

[abwsco]

Ali, so sorry to read about your colleagues daughter My youngest DD (17) has had two friends who have committed suicide. One was 12 and the other 13

[sadietoo]

It was certainly easier when they were smaller...

 

I have bought myself a red dressing grown, especially so that I can greet them at the door at whatever O'clock they decide to come in with the words "where on earth have you been/ what time do you call this" just like my mum did....(not as bad as one of my friend's fathers who turned up to pick her up from the party in his PJ's AND marched right up to the front door and rang the bell instead of doing the decent thing and parking round the corner )

 

Seriously though...we take the view that we have to be fairly relaxed. We did allow our 17 year old DD stay here with her b/f....(rather here than somewhere unknown) and we knew contraception was in place etc. Our ground rules are that if you are not coming home, you must phone (not text) and tell us who you are with and where you are ( we make a point of meeting all friends (surreptitiously of course)), and what your plans are for the next day (re lifts required etc) ..they also know there is always £25 in a pot in the hall to cover emergency taxi money should that be required - more than that they will have to wake us up . Otherwise I guess we are very lucky...we didn't have loads of teenage angst from either of them, and they are both very focussed about education (so far, although we are only 3 weeks into sixth form for DS). I suppose for me the main concern is their safety in other people's cars...for DD we said she couldn't travel in friends' cars until she had passed her driving test (we wanted her to be able to make a reasonable judgement about how safe/stupid friends' driving skills were)...we will do the same for DS. He already knows he isn't supposed to travel in the car of 18 year old friends....I'm sure this must be inconvenient for him, but I lost my first husband in a traffic accident, and bless him, he accepts that I am particularly neurotic about my children's safety on the road, and chooses the bus to meet friends instead of a lift sometime

[alih]

Goodness me, Sadie, you have reason to

be extra worried about car safety. I will be too once they are that age.

I love the idea of a taxi pot. We too have the where are you, how are you getting home, who are you with rule and it works ok for now.

 

We do threaten to go into the parties if they aren't out on time and the prospect of such embarrassment makes sure they are always out on time!

 

12 and 13- how terribly young to take their own lives. how desperate for their poor parents.

Edited September 22, 2009 by Guest

[chickencam]

There was a local tragedy last week when a girl the same age as my ED took her own life and it has really shaken her year group even though the girl was from another school, a lot of people knew her and her brother is at my son's school.

 

It is an issue that scares me because there have been a few suicides in my husband's family over the years. Such a shame that these young people can feel such despair, despite having loving families.

[Guest]

Travelling in friends' cars is another one of my rules. Mine are not allowed to. I will sometimes allow mine to go with just the driver, but never, ever, ever in a car full of teenagers. Oddly, I decided on this policy whilst I was a sixth former because of all the accidents involving young people. I don't think things have changed much since then .

[jlo]

I don't think things have changed much since then .

 

I agree Ginette - I know that I was pretty stupid and irresponsible and must have caused my poor parents a few sleepless nights.

 

Of course, as far as my children are concerned, I am a dinosaur and have no idea what it is like to be a teenager!

[Valkyrie]

I don't think anything has been as stressful in my life - getting married, moving house - easy peasy. Teens - see those grey hairs multiplying by the hundreds.

I know what you mean about travelling in friends cars. Used to make me gulp when DS first said "Soandso does this trip in half the time you take" But then again he also used to walk down narrow country lanes in the dark so I worried about that too. OH's cousin worried when our boys went to America the other week. She was somewhat relieved that they wouldn't be flying on 9/11 (although it was too close for her liking) and they missed their connection and indeed flew on 9/11. She was having kittens! I think there comes a point when you have to take steps back to allow them to make mistakes and learn by them. Which is even more worrying because then you worry that you aren't worrying and you should be.

[Alis girls]

I now appreciate what mum went through when I was a teen and I was relatively easy. Wore make up behind her back, had boyfirends she didnt know about (all very innocent) and lied through my back teeth. But y todays standards I was an angel

[Cinnamon]

Scrambled, I know exactly what you mean about the pressures teens are under these days, & I really try to put myself in my girls position as much as I can when I am talking to them.

 

My eldest in particular is a real worrier - she frets about everything......her sister in comparison doesn't give a stuff about authority & is forever toeing the line

Exam stress is a real issue & she is already stressing about her AS levels which aren't until next year.After that its the A2's & will she get into uni???

Poor love - I just want to give her a hug & tell her that it WILL be OK.

 

I know several teens with depressive tendencies, & its so sad, especially for the parents who often are at a loss as to what they have done wrong or how they can make things right again.

 

It is a harder world both for teens & for their parents,than it has ever been.

[alih]

Scrambled, you are so right about teens and their pressures. 30 years ago when I was my daughter's age there was much less information and much less communication with the outside world. We had 3 channels on tv, no option really re schools, less money so no cars to ride in and much much less stress about exams/ jobs/ money.

 

I agree too with the bad press you get - ridiculous! the teens I know are interesting, bright, funny people in the main or on their way to being there. My husband didn't know teenagers really before we got together and has been amazed by how nice they actually are!!

 

And your parents do sound like legends...they have obviously done a great job! Long live the chatting and the cuddles I say!

[Valkyrie]

Scrambled's really an old'un like us (just kidding Laura - you put it all so well ).

[Seagazer]

I think its so sad that some kids think they have no other option than to kill themselves. A boy from my DD's year at school killed himself not long after leaving school. Although he wasn't a close friend she was devastated.

 

Lines of communication really have to be kept open. Thankfully, touch wood, we've got a fairly good relationship with our kids and we like nothing better than when they're all here with girlfriend and boyfriend to sit and have a meal and a chat. Lovely.

 

Not to say that we don't all argue and disagree at all, we are only human after all.

 

DD has been with her boyfriend for 2 years and they stay together in her room, they've lived together at uni, it would be silly to say they can't sleep together now. ES and his girlfriend have been together 18 months and are both heading towards 19 so they stay together. Its not been a big issue, we've all been adult about it.

 

On the point about the cars, that is the thing that worries me most. Now ES does all the driving but when he was younger I was worried about him going off in any other car. But he knows who is a good driver. He even refused to get back into one boys car. He lost 2 school friends within a year of each other so he knows how dangerous it is.

 

Above all I love my kids and really enjoy their company

[ChrisP]

I once got out of my friends car at a motorway service station claiming I didn't want to be in the car a second longer than I had to...

 

It's so sad that these people feel the need to take their life. My best friend in year 11 was severely depressed/suicidal to the point of being taken into hospital, it was horrible

 

I wouldn't say the 'lines of comunication' are exactly open between me and my parents, which is a shame, but I've never lied about where I am to them, and they know that (I make a opint of telling them that every so often!) Luckily they don't mind me coming home at some silly hour of the morning, and I text them if my plans change and I'm not coming home.

[Cate in NZ]

I must be a bit of an oddity, because I found the baby & toddler days really hard & frustrating. All that crying when they couldn't explain why, the clinging, the tantrums. Don't get me wrong I loved them to bits, and in many ways I do miss those days now that the children are getting older and gradually getting ready to fly the nest sooner or later. But I love the teenage years. My children are my friends and we talk about almost everything (I'm not daft enough to believe that they tell me everything ). We have disagreements, they don't work hard enough at school, I don't understand or am not "fair" ...their words not mine ......they make decisions that I think are unwise, etc etc, but underlying it they're great young people and I'm very proud of them. They've got some great friends & I love coming home to a houseful of , even if the continually emptying fridge is a bit of a blow

 

I agree about the driving thing though, both Seb & Immy are driving now, but I like it that over here when teenagers first get their licence they have to go on a restricted licence for 12m at the very least (it's only that short if they take a Defensive Driving course). Otherwise it's 18m I think . During that time they can drive solo, or with an experienced (full licence for more than 2 years) driver, and only in daylight hours. So there are no (legal) cars full of teenagers with inexperienced, teenage drivers.

[alih]

I love the teenagers themselves too - I love their friends and their liveliness. We have 4 kids, 2 of whom are teens so when they have friends for dinner it is like the Waltons!

 

The book that you recommended arrived today and have had a quick read of it - it doesn't contain any glaring new truths, just reiterates what we all know:

 

talk when they want to not when it's convenient

talk!

try and let them make mistakes and don't blame yourself for their choices - they are individuals with minds of their own

 

ditch the guilt when you can

 

talk!!

 

After reading all these messages I realise how normal it is to fret at times and I also realise how healthy my relationship with my fab teens is - my eldest and I have just been laughing about something, sitting in our dressing gowns on the sofa. I love all of that and treasure each of those moments.

 

aren't we lucky eh!!??

[Valkyrie]

I would like to point out that Laura is not my daughter - but she's more than welcome to join us!