A chickychickychick-ENN!! Posted October 20, 2010 Share Posted October 20, 2010 Hello. I need a bit of a straw poll. My new baby is here, and baby is lovely, but father (mine) is throwing his toys out of the pram and insisting he has a copy of her birth certificate. I think this is for a souvenir-type set up he wants for himself, but he sent me a direct, demanding email asking for one (not asking if it was ok with me for him to have one) and for it to be sent to him asap. Aside from the neediness rankling, I am deeply uncomfortable with anyone having a copy of her birth certificate outside of our household because, in the fullness of time, if he gets alzheimers, dies etc that document can be potentially lost and used for ID fraud. I just don't see the point of anyone having one who doesn't need one for legal purposes. He is fixated on it. He is upset we have a two week ringfence on ALL visitors - friends, and family from both sides, so I can recover from my c-section and get a breastfeeding routine going, so I think there's a bit of anxiety going on that he thinks I'm shutting him out and he's desperate to stake his claim on her, so to speak. It's like dealing with a controlling parent and unreasonable child rolled together. I have clearly said to him to come and visit and spend time with her, have the relationship, have photos - they are more important than a piece of paper, in order to reinforce that we are not shutting him out. I DO have a difficult relationship with him - he was abusive to me. But that should not directly affect his relationship with my child, and I am ok with him having one with her. Straw poll - am I being hormonally unreasonable, does he have a point, is there a perspective here I'm missing? Other thoughts? And how do you deal with a 68 year-old child? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redwing Posted October 20, 2010 Share Posted October 20, 2010 I dont see why he needs it. I agree with you and I wouldnt let him have one Maybe offer a decent colour photocopy if its that important to him for his family records Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bigmommasally Posted October 20, 2010 Share Posted October 20, 2010 I've never heard of anyone other than the parents needing a birth certificate and I certainly wouldn't have given any of my childrens grandparents a copy of their certificates. You are definitely not being hormonal, but sorry no advice on how to deal with this 68 year old child, I think it sounds like you are being amazingly tolerant given that he was an abusive parent. Stick to your guns Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeckyBoo Posted October 20, 2010 Share Posted October 20, 2010 He might need one or a copy of one if he wants to set up a savings plan for her? But he certainly doesn't need it right this minute, now, at once!! i have no idea what sort of grandfather he will be, all I will say is that my mum wasn't particularly maternal which gave me all sorts of issues as an adolescent, and now she is more than making up for it by being the best grandmother you can possibly imagine. Maybe he's trying to make amends? Or maybe he's interfering. I don't think you need to worry about identity fraud, if someone wants to get hold of another persons id then they will, and I'm gonna be honest, that bit sounds a bit hormonal, but then, YOU HAVE JUST HAD A BABY!!! Now is when you are ALLOWED to be hormonal and no one can be mean to you because of it!! Whatever, at the end of the day iyou've offered him visiting etc, he'll just have to live with it, and don't go stressing yourself out about it, he's a big boy, he'll have to deal with his feelings himself. You've got a gorgeous babe to be looking after, no time for family stress BeckyBoo Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mags Posted October 20, 2010 Share Posted October 20, 2010 Does he say why ? i can only think of one reason why a birth certifcate would be needed and that would to be to open a child bank account. mags Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PurpleTree Posted October 20, 2010 Share Posted October 20, 2010 You only get the short version birth certificate for free, you have to pay for the longer version (which you need to get a passport) and is cheaper to buy when you register the birth. So presumably you'd have to pay for any additional copies, if you're actually able to get extra copies As others have said you need the certificate to open a child's savings account or bank account, but they only take a copy of it and give it back to you. I don't see why anyone other than yourselves would want your child's birth certificate. Hope you manage to sort it all out soon, don't get stressed and take it easy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Woodcat Posted October 20, 2010 Share Posted October 20, 2010 I don't think giving him a copy of her birth certificate is a good idea at all. I don't think anyone other than you needs to have one. If he wants to set up an account or anything that would need one then he should be talking to you about it all. Birth certificates are personal documents and if you don't feel comfortable doing it don't do it. Whatever the reasons you have whether they are hormonal (which personally i don't think so) or logical, you clearly aren't happy about handing it over to him so don't. Trust your instincts if later on you feel happier about it then you can give it to him then. I'm a great believer in don't do things that your not comfortable with if you can't go back and change them Where dealing with him is concerned stick to your guns be firm but don't get angry and don't let it interfere with your time with your girlie. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
A chickychickychick-ENN!! Posted October 20, 2010 Author Share Posted October 20, 2010 (edited) I said he could have a colour scan for his records. He wants an original. He 'needs' it, but if I don't want to give it to him, then he'll just have to live with that (martyr martyr). I asked him if he needed it for anything legal, in which case we could arrange access to one but not custody of one, and he denied doing anything of that sort, so I don't think he's trying to set up a surprise bank account. In which case he should discuss it with me! He just always makes me feel so bad about letting him down by being such a martyr about it. I think I have been quite adult in my response to him but I still feel like I need to apologise for hurting his feelings and having him have a lip quiver on me. God, he's a manipulative gah word. Gah! Wish I could find a way through to not be made to feel bad for trying to meet him halfway in a rational space where I am allowed my opinions without being made to feel bad for them, while also offering reassurance that he can see his grand daughter - which is the important bit! And he wonders why we need a two week visitor amnesty - physical reasons aside! Edited October 20, 2010 by Guest Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sari Posted October 20, 2010 Share Posted October 20, 2010 How strange!! I would say no....unless there is a really good reason, which I cannot possibly think of...I'm not sure my Mom needed one when she set up a saving plan for my girls. We too said very few visitors in the early days, as I was desperate to have breastfeeding established. we also expected Nin to have Down's Syndrome, as were given 50/50 chance. She doesn't have it, so were very hormonal.....both of us!! We had a rule, vistors were welcome, for short periods, and they made the tea and brought the cakes...they also had to wah up and put on a load of washing......it worked!! You can also remind people that this is YOUR baby...and you need time to get to know each other, nad that there is lots of time for visitors later......congratulations, and wishing you many graces and blessings on your new arrival! x x x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CatieB Posted October 20, 2010 Share Posted October 20, 2010 Anyone can apply for a birth certificate and in fact you can even do it online now (I've just checked and found my sons) however this will of course be a copy. But aren't they all copies - what you are getting I think is a certified copy of the entry in the birth register. Will that information satisfy him and you can then leave him to it? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
majorbloodnock Posted October 20, 2010 Share Posted October 20, 2010 Personally, I see it slightly differently here. The birth certificate isn't anyone's but Aurelia's, so the only person who should have it is her. Understandably, she's likely to find little use for it for the first few years (except to dribble on), so you as her parent and legal guardian hold onto it and use it on her behalf until she's old enough to take responsibility for herself. The birth certificate is not, however, a souvenir. Sentimental value it may have, but it's first and foremost a legal document. I won't, for instance, be asking my son for the details of his first bank account so I can keep them for posterity. If my mother had asked for my kids' birth certificates, I'm afraid she'd have received a "no" with an "off" in it, because it would have been none of her business. OK, I'll get down off my high horse again.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sari Posted October 20, 2010 Share Posted October 20, 2010 Parents can get awfully odd when they become Grandparents. My MiL really is a stereotype of a Jewish mother...she was still cutting J's toenails when we started dating ( really) and they both ( MiL and FiL) became very territorial over Nin when she was born..my MiL was desperate to take her for her first outing in the pram, and bought some hideous pram shoes, which thank goodness were too small.....Nin had huge feet. My Ma in Law is usually a fairly sensible ( if mad Jewish red-headed) woman , but is very odd at times, where her sons and my girls are concerned. I once bought J a birthday card with the punchline " crikey, his mother was right!" as the sun shines out of his ......she was not amused... If this is just an extension of some ongoing parental oddness- you have my sympathy x x - bu it may be some strange behvaiour triggerered by the birth of the baby. My dad became a bit distant for a while, as he was worried about being too soppy.....he confessed this about 6 months after....Hugs anyway x x x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
patsylabrador Posted October 21, 2010 Share Posted October 21, 2010 I'm afraid I have no helpful suggestions but I wouldn't hand over anything like that to anyone, especially if no good reason was given. It's an ownership of your baby thing I think. I think two weeks without visitors is a good idea, I didn't learn that lesson until my third birth which was twins and I just couldn't face visitors. It was much better to have that time to myself to get myself sorted with all the children. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chickendoodle Posted October 21, 2010 Share Posted October 21, 2010 That does indeed seem a very odd thing to want and I would definitely not give it to him as it is a legal document. Families ! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chicken shack Posted October 21, 2010 Share Posted October 21, 2010 It's all about losing control. I was at the birth of my first grandson but my daughter wanted me to care for him when she had her second although I think it was a kind way of saying 'but out mother' with out hurting my feelings. I guess it is hard letting go. However I would not give into your fathers demands unless he is setting up a saving scheme of some sort where you need a birth certificate. Families Be firm but gentle and once you have told him don't discuss it with him any further. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
A chickychickychick-ENN!! Posted October 21, 2010 Author Share Posted October 21, 2010 Good heavens Sari! I relate! He's a redhead too. Major - exactly how I see it. We are custodians of HER birth certificate. Honestly, I'm thinking he's probably got another 15 years tops, which is 30 visits minimum. Can I bear them? He's such an emotional mess maker. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chick wiggle Posted October 21, 2010 Share Posted October 21, 2010 Stay Strong Chickychick, as has been said before, this is a legal document, NOT a souvenir! Say NO! and let that be an end to it. If he trys to bring it up again, remind him you have already said no and dont wish to discuss it any more. Other than that, congratulations and you just enjoy your baby Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
A chickychickychick-ENN!! Posted October 21, 2010 Author Share Posted October 21, 2010 Thanks CW. And all. it does put a bit of a thorn in the joy. Trying to ignore it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Dogmother Posted October 21, 2010 Share Posted October 21, 2010 Just let him get on in his own little world and try to ignore him; he has no right whatsoever. Some people Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WarrensWorld Posted October 21, 2010 Share Posted October 21, 2010 All he has to do is go*HERE* and buy one. I've Birth, Marriage and Death certificates most of my relatives, cousins included. You never know he may just want to open a savings account, or start a trust fund even. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Geoid Posted October 21, 2010 Share Posted October 21, 2010 All he has to do is go*HERE* and buy one. I've Birth, Marriage and Death certificates most of my relatives, cousins included. You never know he may just want to open a savings account, or start a trust fund even. That site doesn't look very legit This is the official site. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sari Posted October 21, 2010 Share Posted October 21, 2010 And the scary thing is..........we have a HUGE chance of turning into our parents...........I already cringe when I hear odd sayings popping out of my mouth.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
A chickychickychick-ENN!! Posted October 21, 2010 Author Share Posted October 21, 2010 So anyone can get a copy of your birth certificate?! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paola Posted October 22, 2010 Share Posted October 22, 2010 So anyone can get a copy of your birth certificate?! Yes, I have purchased both of my parents birth certificates when I was looking into family tree stuff. And the scary thing is..........we have a HUGE chance of turning into our parents...........I already cringe when I hear odd sayings popping out of my mouth.... I feel the same Its not only sayings but mannerisms as well Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Egluntyne Posted October 22, 2010 Share Posted October 22, 2010 So anyone can get a copy of your birth certificate?! Yep. Think 'Day of the Jackal'. Why not tell him that you are waaaaaay too busy with other things at the moment to be burdened with this and that if he really wants one, he can get it himself online - and will have to pay for it. There is a lot to be said for call screening. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
