2009 Omlet cube and run for sale

[memphisto]

What is it with Men and their Mums?

 

Now, don't get me wrong, I like my MIL, but she can be a bit 'stalker-ish' towards OH

 

She's feeling sorry for herself at the moment and can only talk to OH about this.....so she rang at 1am Sunday morning and demanded OH go over (they're 5 minutes walk away), so he did. 6am, another call, just a chat but I was asleep, having only just dropped off about 3am. Then she rang at 10am, OH went over to see her. She went out for the afternoon, when she got back she rang OH, then rang him 3 more times before 11pm. Each time waking the baby

 

So, I said to OH, what's going on? 'Nothing, she's just a bit down' and this has been going on virtually every day since Sunday, if I pick up the phone, she asks for OH, if I say he's out it's 'where is he, how long will he be, am I sure he's there?' or she hangs straight up.

 

Now, tonight is a bit of an annoying one, for me, OH is in uni on a Tuesday, so I always do a dinner on a Tuesday as we take turns to cook. I've spent ages making a casserole, whilst trying to look after 2 kids, deal with rebellious chickens, do the housework, I've made dessert too, no mean feat for me! He's normally home by 5pm, allowed for traffic, just gave him a call 'Oh, mum needed me, she's done me tea so I won't need anything' 'What time will you be back as I need to pop to the supermarket?' 'Oh, not sure, Mum needs me, she's down' 'Ok, fine, well your daughter needs nappies' 'Can you not take them both to get nappies?' 'No, one is in bed, could you not possibly just come back for half an hour so I can pop out or even buy some and bring them here?' 'Yeah, could do, but it won't be til late'

 

Annoyed!

Edited December 4, 2011 by Guest

[Cinnamon]

I am not surprised you are annoyed - the patience of a Saint would be tested with this one!

 

I suggest that if you can,go over there with him next time,which will remind her that you are a part of the family, & what is more you are the number 1 woman in his life.

 

Boundaries need to be drawn - good luck!

[Goosey Lucy]

Oh dear, from the outside this sounds like more than a mum needing to spend time with her son.

Is she possibly more than just a little bit down?

 

Hope you feel calmer soon x

[KimmyCustard]

You have my sympathies, both my ex husbands had mother fixations, another reason why theyre both exes!

 

Maybe you need to have a good chat with him about his mum, her continuous phoning, him dashing round there etc etc and try to find out what the problem is? Is she depressed? Does she feel lonely? Is she feeling left out? You may need answers from your OH before you can say what you feel.

 

Take deep breaths!

[chuckmum6]

Is your mum in law on her own? It does sound like she is being rather unfair as is you OH really. Maybe you could invite her round for a meal with you all one night, perhaps being with her grandchildren will help her focus on others. It does sound rather like she has a problem which could be serious for all concerned. I would at least talk to your OH about the ramifications it is having. My MIL is a tricky one to handle too.

[Looney]

Blimey!

 

Good advice from others, just wanted to send you some big hugs and to say I would be really wound up if this was happening to me.

 

You can't support your OH and him in turn support his mum if you are being kept in the dark about what is going on.

 

xxxx

[The Dogmother]

Sounds a bit like my alcoholic ex-MIL, she was also prone to depression. I had to have stern but sympathetic words with the then OH and remind him of his new priorities. I also unplugged the phone after 9pm as she was given to phoning in the wee hours with drunken, abusive rants

 

I feel that you need to have a chat with OH, his mother's attachment to him doesn't sound healthy for either of them.

[The Warrens]

yikes , my ex was a mummy boy

 

id unplug the house phone, so she cant wake the kids up and if she needs him at 1am to ring his mobile -

 

i would also tell him straight how you feel and ask for some answer of whats going on as its putting strain on your relationship (thats if you dont already know)

 

((hugs))

[memphisto]

She's got 2 daughters and her hubby as well, she doesn't say anything to them, just OH.

 

I gave OH some flowers and eggs to give to her from me and the little ones, no thank you or anything, OH says he did stress they were from us and not him. I suggested to him that he take her out for lunch to get her out of the house, she refused.

 

I asked did she want to come for Sunday dinner this weekend via OH, apparently she's not in the mood for it

 

Problem is OH can't see anything wrong with it......I said to him, I realise your Mum needs some emotional support but I need to practical support too. 'Oh why?' was the response.

 

I've shown him the Bailey's cheesecake I made and have said I'm giving it to the chickens tomorrow!

[The Warrens]

is she suffering from depression? maybe she needs to see a doctor - she needs to speak to someone apart from her son......but it seems only your o/h can maybe make her see that

 

There is a bond that a mother and son have it seems

 

it took me a while to get used to my o/h dropping everything as soon as his family said anything, and i admit i did sulk ect, but its not as bad now since i told him my thoughts/feeling on it

[Alis girls]

I cant offer any advice as my MIL died long before I arrived on the scene. FIL RIP used to do this occ to OH - I used to lie when it got too much and say he wasnt there. Big hugs

[Ain't Nobody Here]

I was imagining her being totally on her own - what on earth is she doing demanding your OH goes round (at 1am ?) if she has a husband there ? Presumably he (and their daughters) don't drop everything and rush to her side when she stamps her foot. I think your OH needs to be told that his primary responsibility is you and your children (who are his children too ).

 

She possibly does need professional help but your OH isn't the one who should be shouldering the problem.

 

I have to say, your OH is obviously a lovely, caring man but he needs to show those qualities to his new family too.

[Snowy]

If the rest of the family don't drop everything and rush to her side, then maybe he is compounding the problem by not saying no to her

I know it's very hard - have you tried sitting him down and explaining that, while you understand he needs to help his Mum, that his main priority is to you and the children?

[Angie]

I feel rather sorry for her,no don't shout at me. I live alone most of the time OH away you all know.

I have my two daughters one lives in the north one not too far away.

Is more going on than OH is saying, is there a problem with FIL and she isn't coping as i'm sure my OH would be stopping me calling my girls at all hours when he is home with me and able to talk or do any needful for me. It just doesn't " feel " right .

Husbands don't not know that you have got out of bed to go and call , or that you haven't come to bed yet as mine comes looking for me as the bed is too empty or hes worried i'm not well...nice i know .

Relationships are odd i agree but i just feel something isn't right and i think she needs help, even if it is insomnia or depression. It is very obvious she won't talk to you . Have either of your SIL said anything or aware something is going on as i'm sure they would be worried.

My mother 's fav is my younger brother, he can do no wrong...ever ...even when he is in the **** he is right but my mum doesn't call him at all unearthly hours unless it is life or death. ( my step father wouldn't let her when he is there for her )

[Smudge]

I don't want to worry you or your OH, but this calling at any time, particularly during the night when any normal person would be asleep, may be a symptom of dementia as I know from first-hand experience with my mother. I have three sisters and we all used to get calls at all hours of the night and it was obvious that she had no real idea what time it was, she actually thought it was daytime and what were we still doing in bed! It seems the brain can just totally ignore reality and create a 'virtual' reality so the person totally believes it's daytime even though it's dark outside. You really need to talk to your OH as this sort of behaviour does need checking out and dealing with, and hopefully, treating before it gets worse.

[Mercedes55]

I find the whole thing really weird and honestly I would be livid if my OH acted like that. I am a MIL, so can at least comment from that angle and quite honestly I would never call my son up in the middle of the night. My view is that when your children marry then their new family is where their priorities should lie and as parents, hard as it is, we have to let them live their lives without us clamouring for attention.

 

It doesn't sound like your OH has told you what is up with his mother, which again is odd. You are his wife, so why doesn't he discuss this with you? She may well have problems that she needs help with, but maybe your OH needs to somehow, in a nice way, find a better solution to her problems.

 

When I have a problem with my anxiety or depression, quite honestly my son wouldn't be the first person I would turn to purely because I don't think it's fair to burden him. I'm much more likely to have a chat with my OH or my DIL, but I wouldn't phone her at odd hours, nor would I expect her to not repeat things I have said back to my son. I hate secrets in relationships

[squiffs]

If your mother in law's actions are interferring with your husband's commitments to his new family, then you have a right to know what's so damned important. Perhaps then you wouldn't resent him doing it so much. It never does any harm talking. And not talking definitely does more harm than good.

[Alis girls]

I am only a mum and not a MIL yet - but the common theme here seems to be ex MIL's - makes me wonder if their influence was some of the cause of these broken relationships. Only wondering - i am learning and will be a lovely MIL - I promise - I will behave and try hard to be good just like I am on Forum sound of Mods grinding their teeth

[loumabel]

I agree with Squiffs, he has no right to keep you in the dark about your MIL's behaviour. 'Feeling down' is not an excuse to call at 1am and frankly I would tell her this if you answer the phone at this time again. There either has to be much more to this story than you are being told or your MIL is being completely unreasonable and you have a perfect right to demand that your husband puts you and your family first. You sound like a nice daughter in law and she is taking advantage of your good nature.

[Ain't Nobody Here]

I don't want to worry you or your OH, but this calling at any time, particularly during the night when any normal person would be asleep, may be a symptom of dementia

 

I think this could be worth investigating. If nothing else, it'll identify whether she really is unwell or is just demanding and selfish! Your OH probably hasn't even considered this so it might be worth (gently) bringing up the subject.

[The Dogmother]

My ex-MIL phoned up for one of her small hours drunken rants once too often - I'm afraid that I told her to stuff off I only have so much patience

[Alis girls]

The dementia comment is definately worth investigating - a visit to the GP (offer to go with her) simple bloods to rule out a physical cause etc. First thing is getting her there. She may be depressed however you and the children should be OH's priority esp as one child is very young. Good luck.

[docsquid]

We are going through more or less the same with my MIL at the moment, except that my OH, and my three BIL's, are all acting pretty responsibly about it (although us and one BIL seem to bear the brunt of it all). She has had episodes of depression before, but this time it seems more like dementia. She has had brain scans etc and is now waiting for assessment by the community mental health team, however her score on the basic mental tests were dreadful. She, too, rings up every hour of the day and night: at the moment we are paying for round the clock care for her, and that has reduced the phone calls, but cannot keep that up for long before her money runs out, then she will have to sell her house and go into a home.

 

You don't say how old MIL is (ours is 90, so this is pretty much expected), but it may be worth getting a trip to the GP. You need to say to your OH that this is affecting you, and the children, and that something needs to be done about it as a family. We all used to drop everything and come running for MIL, but now we realise that we simply can't do that, no matter how much we all love her.

[Chortle Chook]

Can I have the cheescake?

 

Seriously, though I can't help wondering, like others, if your MIL actually remembers when she last called. Or perhaps she is suddenly very scared of dying having had a panic attack. If that is the case then a family chat with her might help.

 

BUT before that can happen the real issue needs a bit of sorting and that, is, surely, your OH and his inabiliby to see the effect his behaviour is having on you all. I think you've been (and are) a total saint. He is being, frankly, odd and selfish too - putting himself, as an extension of his mother, before you and your joint children - ALL the time. How hurtful about the dinner. I'm angry on your behalf. Consign him to room 101 right away!

[The Dogmother]

Interesting about the possible dementia link; my ex-MIL had it, triggered by her excessive drinking and chain smoking. Sadly, she could still remember my number