Mrs

[Alis girls]

Sadly DM its amazing what people with dementia do remember -sad fact of this dreadful illness. I hope its not that and that your OH will see sense and get his dad to persuade her to see her GP. You dont say what your MIL's OH does in all this. Is he on the ball or letting her get one with it? Hope you get it sorted.

[CatieB]

I agree the whole thing sounds weird.

 

Sorry to be blunt but your OH is being unreasonable. IMHO he needs to explain to you what is going on so that you can judge if their behaviour is reasonable or not. "she is a bit down" does not cut it given the consequences it is having for you. If it is nothing more than that, or there is no further explaination forthcoming, then he needs to be discouraging such unreasonable behaviour.

 

It may be that there is a genuine reason to explain such behaviour (eg something traumatic has happened) but if so he should be sharing it with you.

 

You have every right to be annoyed IMO

[Cinnamon]

I am wondering if your Oh suspects early onset Altziemers (*sp) or something,but has his head buried in the sand & is thinking that by not saying anything to you about it,then its not really happening.

Men are a strange lot....I know my husband would rather do anything than admit that he thought there might be a problem

[memphisto]

Oh just lost my last post.

 

OH made her see the GP, no signs of any illnesses or depression.

 

Anyway, I mentioned this to OH as I am having a really hard time of it with post natal depression and asked could we at least spend this weekend together, before I have my shoulder op on Tuesday together, without MIL coming into the equation.

 

Yes, he says.

 

Phone call at 10pm last night.....'Can you take me to Liverpool tomorrow?' OH 'Yes OK, what time do you want taking and picking up?' MIL 'No, I want you to come with me' OH 'Mum, that isn't fair' MIL 'I don't want to go on my own' OH: 'OK, see you at 9am'

 

I am absolutely fuming beyond belief. I told him he has to realise he has a family HERE as well as over at his Mum's. I have actually cried over it this morning, I feel we mean so little to him. We have enough stress with trying to find another house because our landlord is selling up, without this.

 

WHEN will he realise he needs to loosen the apron strings? I am fuming and so upset.

[Cheeky Chooky]

I haven't been on the forum long but I have nothing but admiration for you *hug*. You are going through so many challenges at the moment and I know what that's like; this year has been the worst of my life and I'm still battling through. Do you think going to Couples Counselling might help you both? My OH and I have been going for the past 3 months and the sessions were very good; they identified the issues (mainly issues regarding his children, 17 and 20 ) and have helped both of us individually as well. I feel in a much better place mentally and more able to cope...unfortunately the OH is still suffering, still not living here at home (he's with his mother ) and not addressing any of his problems...as men tend to do Maybe Counselling is something you two could consider?

[Gloss-Hen]

that is very unfair on you

[Egluntyne]

On the plus side, she has been helping you with your daughter every other night and has given your mother what for over her unhelpfulness towards you, so even though she is needy, she appears to be on your side in many respects.

 

Why don't you have a heart to heart with her?

[memphisto]

I've tried doing that, but she only wants to talk to my OH.

 

I'm going to leave the situation as is for the time being, hopefully, as she has been helpful, the problem isn't so much her as him really, him knowing when to say 'Look, I have other plans etc'

 

I do feel for her, I just want a normal family life thats all!

[Ain't Nobody Here]

It does seem unfair of him to drop the plans he had with you so easily . What did MIL want to go to Liverpool for? Something urgent ?

 

Perhaps he's scared of what will happen if he says 'no' to his mother? Has he ever said 'no' to her before and what happened if so?

[memphisto]

She wanted to have a look at something in a shop there

Anyway they are back now, have suggested to him maybe WE (shock horror) take MIL out for Sunday lunch, awaiting a response.

[Ain't Nobody Here]

Well, you're certainly making the effort, let's hope they do the same!

[memphisto]

She wouldn't come out but OH and YD and I had a lovely lunch out.

 

Got home, 5pm, MIL starts calling, house phone first, as we have caller ID,OH said ignore it, then she started ringing his mobile and the landline aletrnately.

 

He answered in the end, she's cooked him tea, can he come over.....

 

 

 

 

Off he went.......

[The Dogmother]

This is only my opinion, but I'd be furious about this - he need to act like a man and sand up to her demands; they are unfair and selfish when you and he have a young family.

[Ain't Nobody Here]

Why is she cooking his tea? He doesn't live with her and he has a family who he should be eating his tea with .

 

You need to have another word with both of them, that really isn't on. What's your relationship with your f-i-l like? Do you know what he feels about it?

[Tweety]

I agree. Her behaviour is unreasonable, but so is his.

[abwsco]

Sorry if it's not what you want to read but I find your DH's behaviour appalling.

[Chortle Chook]

Totally AGREE. I find the less than D H's behaviour to you, memphisto, utterly appalling and unimanginably wet. I just don't know how I'd manage as I know I'd be so boiling with rage inside. The only thing I can think of is to do the 'you can't change others, but you can change yourself thing' and I think I'd just have to say to myself 'calm down and ignore' and I'd then just get on with my life as if he wasn't there. If he left a meal I had prepared, I'd not cook for him the next meal. If he went off out to see his Dearest Mum at an odd time, I'd ignore him when he got back as if he quite simply was not there. I doubt that would exactly save the relationship but it would save me. I don't know whether that is any good advice to you as you can, in the end, only do what is right for you and your children. Big big hug. I think you're a saint to have tried as much as you have.

[Cinnamon]

This is only my opinion, but I'd be furious about this - he need to act like a man and sand up to her demands; they are unfair and selfish when you and he have a young family.

 

Totally agree - this is not on at all.

 

Did the MIL know about your planned day out - I suspect she did.

She also obviously knew about your meal together,as she had been invited....

 

She is being manipulative & conniving,& is trying her best to undermine you at every opportunity.

She is having this made easy for her by your husband,who is easily manipulated by his mother.

 

HE has to take a stand here. As I said in my earlier post,his first priority must be to your & your children.

 

Sorry,but I would be livind & on the point of chucking him out (3 guesses where he would stay! ),if it wasn't for the fact that this would delight the MIL.

[WitchHazel]

It sounds like there is more to this then meets the eye.

 

Don't get me wrong, I can see how unreasonable the behaviour (of both og them) is, and I would be feeling very angry as well.

 

Just to look at this from a different perspective...

I know that when I've got something going on, my behaviour towards my lovely DH isn't always great. If he responds by getting angry huffy, unspportive (which tbh I would, if I was in his shoes), then I just clam up, and things go in a bit of a downward spiral. I know its unfair, but I need him to be in a caring sharing frame of mind and not reacting to my (unacceptabe) behaviour before I'll relax and tell him what's bothering me.

 

I'm not just saying this, it's genuinely what happens between me and my DH. I suspect that lots of us have similar experiences - some may have lots of experience of being in my role, some may have more experience of being in my DH's role.

 

I'm wondering whether in your current situation, your DH is occupying my role and you are occupying my DH's role?

 

If so, he's not going to open up to you in your current emotional state. I'm not saying you aren't right to feel the way you feel. I'm just trying to explain that if you want him to open up, you have to park how you are feeling and get in his shoes. The easiest way I can suggest to do this, is to imagine that he tells you something so awful that makes you genuinely forget your own feelings. So awful, that you are mortified that he has been carrying this around on his shoulders. You'll have to think of a scenario - I could suggest a couple, but they might upset people. I;m not suggesting that what your DH is dealing with is anything so dramatic, but you need to find a way to quickly dump your own feelings.

 

When you're receptive, you'll be able to coax him to tell you what is going on. You will be able to say, with genuine concern, how worried you are about what's been going on, that you know he wouldn't be behaving in such an unfair way unless it was something really big, that you want to help.

 

And of course it might turn out to be something really stupid, in which case you can pull on all your resentments again anyway

[Patricia W]

That's excellent advice from WitchHazel. You want to avoid each one of you painting yourself into a corner - and as usual, it's the woman who has the best skills to do this. Seems unfair, but it's one of our gifts that men don't seem to have. There obviously is a reason why his mother has this strange hold over him - and that's what you need to uncover.

 

Thinking of you...

[The Dogmother]

Wise Witchhazel

 

I hope that things get better for you.

[patsylabrador]

I agree. These early years when to be honest you're still finding out about each other and you have young children and relatives all demanding things are difficult. I hope you can sort it and in the future can sit back and say you're glad you got through it together.

[Chortle Chook]

I asked my OH about this to try and get a man's perspective on it. He says that there can be on doubt at all that the responsibility lies with the son, your DH, to tell his mother that his young family now needs his time and that he has to make a life for himself away from his parental home. I asked my OH if he thought that the father in law could have a word with his wife and he said "I doubt it, he must realise what is going on but has obviously been pushed out long ago by the unhealthy mother / son relationship".

 

Is there any chance that you could all move a significant distance from your MIL?

 

I can, however, see that as others have said, to enable a full discussion of this between you both, the emotions do need to be parked, even if I, personally, wouldn't go so far as to say that you are the one who should be being supportive. At least be a bit cold and avoid raised voices and especially avoid tears which men don't react well to - if you possibly can

[Aunty e]

Have you tried crying in front of OH? This is always my weapon of last resort, but it does work. Otherwise, I agree, MOVE. I would honestly be tempted to say to him next time that if he leaves when I don't want him to, he can stay there. I can't believe how badly he's treating you.

[memphisto]

I can't do the crying routine, unfortunately.

 

My sister (who OH gets on very well with) is going to take it upon herself to have a chat with him.

 

Incidentially, FIL rang me to ask if I had a ladder he thought OH had borrowed sometime ago. I mentioned yesterday and he said he had told MIL NOT to cook OH any tea, he would be out/with HIS family and she was insistent he would be over for his tea. He got a bit annoyed with her which caused a row.

 

OH has spent most of today doing odd jobs for FIL, I sorted out the new house we are moving to. One comment FIL made to me on the phone was 'As much as I love the both of you, I am glad you are moving further away' I mooted the idea of MIL being a little 'overattached' to OH, he agrees, we are 5 minutes walk, where we are moving to she will have to get FIL to drive her, which he won't pander to every time but that doesn't stop OH jumping in the car.

 

At least I know FIL is aware and is equally unhappy, he says he says nothing for a quiet life but he has noticed whats going on.

 

Anyway, I've decided that my efforts will not be spent worrying about OH, hopefully he'll realise what he's missing out on soon enough. Going to channel my energy elsewhere, more productively!