Cranberry Posted January 18, 2012 Share Posted January 18, 2012 My 8-yo had just told me that the last time she visited another family the father had marched the son out of the room for a "smack" and she didn't know why. i asked her how she felt about it and she said she had been frightened, was still sad and did not want to go back. I have spoken to some friends and a few are surprised I'm upset. "We smack" is their response. My mother used to smack us. We would deliberately goad her into it and we felt victory when we caused her to loose it. Her smacks never hurt but they caused us to behave badly. My late husband was often beaten with a belt. He thought he deserved it as he was very naughty. I am amazed that in 21st century people are allowed to use physical assault on children just because they are their parents. I could never lay a finger on mine she trusts me to keep her safe. I find that the children that are smacked are more out of control anyway. My question is do you think I am over reacting or do you think its about time the law protected children from all adults inflicting physical assaults? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
patsylabrador Posted January 18, 2012 Share Posted January 18, 2012 I smacked my children. I found there were times when it was necessary. I don't remember smacking my daughter but the three boys were just a tumbling mass sometimes, a bit like those cartoon pictures so I had to be physical too. It was mainly when they were between 7 & 10 years. I mainly used a quiet voice and undisclosed threats when we were out. That scared them into being good and I feel worse about that strangely but I never wanted to humiliate them in front of strangers or friends. They knew that if I used the voice I was getting extremely cross. It worked most of the time. I didn't put much thought into it if I did smack them, it was just a natural cuff to calm things down. It wasn't necessarily a punishment in itself but more of a way of getting them to pause and draw breath. I never smacked as a punishment, I didn't see the point. I was belted by my Dad too and that was dreadful for our relationship at the time. Now I realise he was young, tired and broke and I was a right pain, but I don't agree with that kind of beating. The kids say they don't remember being smacked but they do remember the voice. I don't think you're over-reacting, its up to you how you rear your children, but that's the point - some parents use smacking and that's up to them. I might disagree with how they do it, like the father of your child's friend but he might have had a very valid reason. Boundaries for kids are vital and people have different ways of setting them. We were a big tumbly messy happy family and a smack here and there did no harm. Not sure that smacking makes them more out of control. Personally, I could take my four little kids anywhere and be completely proud of them and trust them which is no mean feat with three energetic boys.. I was only mum here who was allowed to take them into the local pottery shop! That's me anyway. Should be an interesting thread. I know people have widely differing views on this one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alis girls Posted January 18, 2012 Share Posted January 18, 2012 I tend to be a shouty mom which is worse - only really smacked if they had endangered their lives - ES ran across the road and one of them tried to see what happens when you stick your fingers in an electric socket. YS is far more challenging and we clash regularly even now - he knows what buttons to press for me to self combust. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mum Posted January 18, 2012 Share Posted January 18, 2012 ... My question is do you think I am over reacting or do you think its about time the law protected children from all adults inflicting physical assaults? I think its a very loaded question and the terminology applied is emotive and covers two seperate issues. Firstly, the law protects all people from physical "assault". The law also makes provision for "lawful chastisement". I believe there is quite a difference between a parental "smack" and assault per se. To me, using an implement, e.g. a belt, is not a "smack". Do I think you are over reacting? You are entitled to feel as you do; they are your feelings. By that same mark though, your friends have an equal right to feel as they do Do I agree that children who are smacked are "more out of control"? Do you mean *before* the smack (which prompts it), after the smack (eg hysterical?) or, just generally? If generally, what precisely do you mean by "out of control"? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Looney Posted January 18, 2012 Share Posted January 18, 2012 I believe that it is up to the parents to decide and that there is a clear difference between a smack and an assault. I certainly have smacked when it is a dangerous situation like those described above. This has reminded me that I once gave an adult friend a sharp smack on the back of her legs as a total knee-jerk reaction when she had done something incredibly silly She had the oven on Gas Mark 8 'pre-heating' for 40 minutes, realised it hadn't lit and pressed the ignite button at the same time as opening the door and sticking her head in to have a look! Luckily the flames missed her head...it was one of those slow motion moments as I shouted NOOOoooooo when I saw what she was doing She forgave me for smacking her! Anyhow, I digress...... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
snowberry Posted January 18, 2012 Share Posted January 18, 2012 I'm a shouty mum too; the kids ignore me now; it's when I speak very quietly & then walk away that they're afraid Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Dogmother Posted January 18, 2012 Share Posted January 18, 2012 I agree with Patsylabrador; I only ever gave Rosie a light smack on a couple of occasions, mainly to 'break the spell' she now reacts instantly to the Voice of Doom, so I think that it achieved the desired result. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Griffin Posted January 18, 2012 Share Posted January 18, 2012 I've only smacked my girls a few times. I can't even remember the last time I did it but I'm sure it was after one of them had done something dangerous they'd been told NOT to do. My children are not out of control, they are well behaved, intelligent, quiet and with good manners. I can take them anywhere and know they'll not show me up. They're that way because they've always known what is and what isn't acceptable, not because of the threat of a smacked bottom. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Dogmother Posted January 18, 2012 Share Posted January 18, 2012 I've only smacked my girls a few times. I can't even remember the last time I did it but I'm sure it was after one of them had done something dangerous they'd been told NOT to do. My children are not out of control, they are well behaved, intelligent, quiet and with good manners. I can take them anywhere and know they'll not show me up. They're that way because they've always known what is and what isn't acceptable, not because of the threat of a smacked bottom. Couldn't agree more; I was always glad that I could take Rosie any where, secure in the knowledge that she'd do me proud. My sister's children were another matter when they were small though Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lavenders_Blue Posted January 18, 2012 Share Posted January 18, 2012 I'm not a parent, so can only speak from experience of being a child who was occasionally smacked. My parents didn't use smacking as a punishment in itself, it was used on those occasions when we would be so worked up to the point of hysteria that no amount of reasoning/'Voice of Doom' (love that ) was effective. A sharp smack to the back of the legs would bring us up short and make us listen, then we could be told off/reasoned with verbally. A child who is hysterical with screaming/crying is not able to listen, however much you try and tell them off or reason with them, I have seen this on many occasions out and about in public. A sharp smack, not designed to inflict pain, but to snap the child out of their hysteria is not cruel or unkind. There is a huge difference between this and deliberately inflicting pain on a child (i.e. belting) which is totally unacceptable. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
craftyhunnypie Posted January 18, 2012 Share Posted January 18, 2012 Although no children of my own - I am all for smacking. Both me & my sister were smacked. The rule with my parents was a smack no higher than the bottom. You might have had your legs caught occasionally, but it was usually the bottom. We are still here to tell the tale & I think it made us the good girls we are today. It's a funny old argument is smacking. I do think children need it, as raised voices don't seem to be enough these days! However, some parents take it to the extreme & that would be seen as physical abuse. I think punishment by taking away a childs favourite thing for a certain length of time (toy, chocolate, tv program) - can also work wonders. But the parent(s) must stick to it & not give in so easily! Emma.x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cinnamon Posted January 18, 2012 Share Posted January 18, 2012 Yes,I smacked too,very occasionally,when I thought it was necessary,& only on the bottom. I think it does more good than harm.......I am forever seeing children who have absolutely no respect for their parents & it just makes me want to scream! A lady & her VERY poorly behaved little boy came to my till a week or so ago. He was a horror - he kept putting his arm round & pushing my till buttons,which was mucking up the whole transaction. I asked her,very politely,to tell him to stop & she responded that as parents the NEVER said no to their child,as it shows such negativity. I REALLY wanted to tell them that it was about time they did Had to bite my tongue (never a strong suit for me) & say that I could not carry on while he was doing what he was doing. Then there was the man who insisted his child ride on the conveyor belt,because she screamed blue murder whenever he tried to take her off. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Griffin Posted January 18, 2012 Share Posted January 18, 2012 Some parents sound as if they need a smack Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mum Posted January 18, 2012 Share Posted January 18, 2012 Cinnamon I'm afraid I'm in the camp of showing children boundaries and not "indulging" them; in my experience, it is the indulged child who has trouble fitting into a world where everyone has rules: family rules, social rules, school rules, club rules, work rules, judicial rules, church rules, sports rules. All may required slightly varying expectations of behaviour, but the bottom line in all of them is: there are boundaries you do not cross if you don't want to face the consequences. And that, to me, is what "discipline" means - teaching them the rules, the boundaries and the consequences. I adore my children, I have no desire to hurt them or to see them hurt; however, they know there are stages of discipline just as there are stages of tolerance. Most importantly, I don't want my children growing up and being hurt by the world they will have to live in. Inevitably life throws challenges at us, which may hurt us; I want to equip my children with the self confidence to challenge injustice, but with the self-discipline to understand that tolerance and abiding by the rules of life/society are of equal importance to minimise hurts; not just to themselves but to everyone around them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Dogmother Posted January 18, 2012 Share Posted January 18, 2012 Hear, hear. This in the paper today.... French food for thought An American woman married to an Englishman, but living in Paris, has written a book explaining why French children are so much better behaved than our own. Apparently it’s because French mothers make their children say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’, have no trouble telling them ‘no’, give them the same food as everyone else from the age of about four months and let them have only one snack a day (after school). In other words, they bring up their children exactly as we used to, until the American obsession with indulging a child’s every whim spread to Britain. And now — quelle horreur! — it’s time to admit that, on the subject of bringing up children at least, the French have actually got something right. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cinnamon Posted January 18, 2012 Share Posted January 18, 2012 I read something interesting in the paper earlier about this. An American woman,married to an Englishman & living in France studied why French children are so much better behaved than American ones. The conclusion was that they are brought up always to say please & thank you,they are told no if it is appropriate,they are sent to bed when their parents want them to go to bed & as soon as they are old enough they are fed exactly what the rest of the family is eating. LINKY I am very happy that these are rules that I have always stuck to in the raising of my children too edit: Oooo Clare,cross posts! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
C&T Posted January 18, 2012 Share Posted January 18, 2012 "Spare the rod and spoil the child" springs to mind. Not that I am advocating a rod! I can remember receiving the odd slap as a child, for something I did particualr bad/dangerous, and I know I deserved it and it taught consequences etc. Whether we will smack our daughter or not - I have no fixed idea. At 8 months she is a bit too young! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sadietoo Posted January 18, 2012 Share Posted January 18, 2012 I only smacked my children on a couple of occassions, and felt absolutely dreadful about it afterwards - because to me I had failed as parent to have to resorted to a smack , as I believe there are better ways to deal with bad behaviour. The look you have referred to and tone of voice is usually sufficient. I generally avoid some supermarkets because I the level of violence I have witnessed being used against young children during the course of the family shop (and that includes shouting at the poor little souls about one inch away from their faces) makes me feel both cross and sad. Perhaps if the mums weren't so interested in texting or speaking to someone else on their phones their children wouldn't indulge in such attention seeking behaviour? or is that just me too? I'm interested in the article about France. I know I have only visited a few weeks every year but I've never witnessed a French mother shouting at her children in public, or smacking them... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Dogmother Posted January 18, 2012 Share Posted January 18, 2012 It's the same in Italy too - the whole family sits down to eat together, often with guests and friends, so the children need to know how to behave. We were always brought up on the same principle and if you couldn't behave, then it was bed with no supper. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chook n Boo Mum Posted January 18, 2012 Share Posted January 18, 2012 A few people on here know my children......I rarely hear anything bad said against them......and believe me I do not have rose tinted specs about them, especially DS They did on occasion have a smack as has been described above..... Sometimes reason and logic worked,sometimes it didn't and a smack was brought out.....although never hard enough to leave a mark it did leave a lasting impression......the naughty stair worked well for us, and when resurrected a few months back DS now 15 was horrified "I'm not a baby!"....well stop acting like it then........ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Dogmother Posted January 18, 2012 Share Posted January 18, 2012 ......the naughty stair worked well for us, and when resurrected a few months back DS now 15 was horrified "I'm not a baby!"....well stop acting like it then........ I did exactly the same a couple of months back - madam seemed to have forgotten her manners and span a tantrum. I made her sit on the step and ignored her until she'd apologised and asked properly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mum Posted January 18, 2012 Share Posted January 18, 2012 ... the naughty stair worked well for us, and when resurrected a few months back DS now 15 was horrified "I'm not a baby!"....well stop acting like it then........ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
patsylabrador Posted January 18, 2012 Share Posted January 18, 2012 I'm not sure French kids are all that good. Certainly, older ones on school trips are quite adept at getting thrown out of places because of disrespectful behaviour. I think they're the same as kids everywhere and that's just something French people & Francophiles want me to believe, the same that say their food is superior and French women are slim and chic. Anyone been to Calais? I still use 'the voice' on my boys but they just wink and pat me on the head. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chook n Boo Mum Posted January 18, 2012 Share Posted January 18, 2012 Said 15 yo is now big enough to move me out of his way when I'm play- telling off, fireman over shoulder stylee .....also pats me on the head or cheeks...monster Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chick wiggle Posted January 18, 2012 Share Posted January 18, 2012 the naughty stair worked well for us, and when resurrected a few months back DS now 15 was horrified "I'm not a baby!"....well stop acting like it then........ I wonder if that would work for OH? I did smack my two older children, not often and only when i felt totally necessary, but my youngest, has never been smacked! I think maybe, the older the mum, the more patience and experience she has and maybe better ways of dealing with things. Maybe? There is however, a whole world of difference between a 'smack' and 'abuse'! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
