Alis girls Posted May 4, 2013 Share Posted May 4, 2013 And I dont mean TV programme. Sorry have to sound off. I have been friends with this lady for about 16yrs - our 17 year old boys are best mates. Our youngest also get on well. In recent years helped support friend through beravement and her burglary. In recent years I have had to bite my tongue - why I am not good at confrontation and find my friend is more like my mum who used to put me down. We are women in our 50's and should know better. Two weeks ago I rang her as OH had seen her and thought she looked ill. She told me she would ring me back - a week later she did!! I was cross so didnt call back till this morning when we had a row. She said a good friend would've rang her back - now sorry but I beleive friendship is 2 ways. Long story short she sent me a text saying I was obviously in a bad mood and should have a coffee and calm down - patronising. I didnt respond - I am not saying I am sorry as we are both as bad as each other. My son overheard my side and said he didnt think I was confrontational. I beleive and OH agrees we are both stubborn and at fault. I told ES as far as I am concerned his mate is welcome round as they are young adults and are not part of this., All my life I was put down by an overbearing mum and if I retaliated she didnt like it - friend is similar. She says she texted me but no text received and she had changed mobile so I was sending texts to old no - but does she believe me - like hell - thinks I am lying. please dont judge me. thanks for reading. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
freddie Posted May 4, 2013 Share Posted May 4, 2013 i know your pain. We, as women, may be in retro bodies, but still have teenage minds!! I am guilty, and so are my freinds to me!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soapdragon Posted May 4, 2013 Share Posted May 4, 2013 That's a 'not nice' situation! However, as I get older (I am now 48 or, as I prefer to say, 39 plus VAT!) I find myself being less and less tolerant and more open and upfront about how I feel! These days I say what I feel, obviously trying to be tactful and without hurting feelings etc, and feel that I can do this with a bit more confidence - equally friends seem to be a bit more upfront too and we can have a bit of a spat, clear the air and move forward taking things on board; sounds as though your friend hasn't reached that stage yet? You have obviously been very supportive when she needed it and all good relationships are give and take. My dad was VERY overbearing, arrogant and a bit of a bully and I was cowed by him (as were/still are my mother and sister) however, when I saw certain patterns of behaviour being repeated with my two boys (put downs etc) I got mad and told him, quite rationally but firmly, that I was no longer prepared to put up with this and it had to stop HERE AND NOW! My dad took this calmly but then sent me a mad, rambling e-mail accusing me of being phsycotic and in need of 'help' so I refused to reply and have not seen/spoken to him for three years. I feel so much better for having now stood up for myself - even tho it took me 43 years! Sorry for rambling on but I think the moral of the story is 'stay true to yourself' and a real friend will understand and stay with you! Hope that makes sense!? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alis girls Posted May 4, 2013 Author Share Posted May 4, 2013 Thanks Freddie = glad I am not alone. men are lucky they can have a good fisticuffs fight - we girls are awful. I will apologise if in the wrong but hell I am not taking all the blame for this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Dogmother Posted May 4, 2013 Share Posted May 4, 2013 That's a 'not nice' situation! However, as I get older (I am now 48 or, as I prefer to say, 39 plus VAT!) I find myself being less and less tolerant and more open and upfront about how I feel! Just you wait until you get to 50! Seriously though, let her get on with it Ali.... as I used to say to Rosie when she was little and had a spat with a good friend; 'if you love them enough, you'll let them go, if they were meant to be good friends then they will come back in time, if not, then it just wasn't meant to be'. I've had to cut loose a couple of emotional vampires a few years back; they were just sucking me dry with their neediness. Get on with your life lovey, if/when she realises what she's missing, then so be it. Otherwise I wouldn't lose sleep over it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alis girls Posted May 4, 2013 Author Share Posted May 4, 2013 Thanks ladies - I feel better knowing its not all me. Throw the menopause in to the eqaution ( both being ladies of a certain age) and well recipe for disaster. Oh well I will let you know what happens - but dont hold your breathe. DM - yes I do try and get my boys to know when they are in the wrong and apologise, YS has been let down several times by a "mate" and I told him to let it go as you cant get on with everyone. Some years back the same friend picked a fight days before an operation i was having on the Monday - i was tense and scared as had had bad experience of hospitals and lost it and gave to her with guns blazing. Several days later she appeared while I convalesed with flowers - didnt say sorry but I let it go. Big mistake probably. Sorry - is it really such a difficult word to say? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Groovychook Posted May 5, 2013 Share Posted May 5, 2013 I've had to cut loose a couple of emotional vampires a few years back; they were just sucking me dry with their neediness.Get on with your life lovey, if/when she realises what she's missing, then so be it. Otherwise I wouldn't lose sleep over it. I agree wholeheartedly... having shaken off a draining so called friend last year, I feel like I've moved on. I wasted far too much time fretting about her when she didn't give two hoots about what I was going through. Onwards and upwards! Try not to dwell on the situation and get on with your own thing Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
charly1979 Posted May 7, 2013 Share Posted May 7, 2013 After very recently being in a similar situation I agree with you DM I am only 34 and starting to get fed up with the friends that take take take and drain me emotionally, I will happily support any friend in any situation but when they start to take the piddle out of me Im inclined to walk away, I certainly know who me real friends are now Hope things sort themselves out for you xx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Dogmother Posted May 7, 2013 Share Posted May 7, 2013 People are either drains or radiators... if you get my drift. You get to a stage in life when you just want to surround yourself with people who radiate and creta a good atmosphere. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alis girls Posted May 8, 2013 Author Share Posted May 8, 2013 Thanks for your replies and kind words and advice. Today I feel tearful not good when i have to go to work later. I honestly dont know what to do. OH says let dust settle but dont apologise else you;ll be doing it for ever. True. Thanks for kind words and I know only I can decide on what to do. ES and her son are in 6th form together and he reported no problems there or mention of one. I dont want him to suffer as doing AS levels. However her son had had a go at mine a couple of weeks back about some thing to do with a party. ES gave him a b g verbally as he was stiriing and its not the first time. So glad my kids arent like me. I dont want my son going to uni with his mate as I know they would be encouraged to move in together and she would be trying to get my son to spy on hers. He doesnt tell her anything unlike my son who tells me everything (too much to be honest) . Hey ho - it will sort itself out. Ali x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mercedes55 Posted May 8, 2013 Share Posted May 8, 2013 People are either drains or radiators... if you get my drift. You get to a stage in life when you just want to surround yourself with people who radiate and creta a good atmosphere. What a brilliant way to look at people, makes so much sense! I'm also in my 50's and although I don't have a similar situation with any friends I did have a massive fall out with my sister who is only a year older than me a few years ago and we've hardly seen each other or spoken to each other since. Like you Ali I felt I did no wrong but I did end up apologising just to try and get things back to normal but quite honestly it seems to me that doing that can make things worse as it's like you are admitting you did something wrong. I ended up being called pathetic (because I use fb and am apparently way too old to be using that), a liar (because I forgot about a phone call that I didn't answer 3yrs earlier) and a coward On Friday it's my mum's 90th Birthday and my sister is coming over with my mum for coffee and cake and I'm so not looking forward to it as it seems we just go through the motions when we do see each other just to not upset my mum. At least with friends you can just drop them, not so easy with families Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
C&T Posted May 8, 2013 Share Posted May 8, 2013 Just lost contact with a friend recently. We met 15 years or so ago, and our lives have since gone in different directions. I have married and had children, she moved to the city and loves the bright lights. After a very stroppy text I received end of last year (apparently I wasn't answering emails, sent to a redundant email account ), I decided enough was enough. It was no longer a friendship, and time to move on. I miss her - but don't miss the agro that went with it. And have since made good new friends! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alis girls Posted May 30, 2013 Author Share Posted May 30, 2013 UPDATE - sorry wanted to put this on title - if a mod can let me know how I will. After much soul searching I have decided to cut all ties. Its sad as shes my YS;s godmother but i cant carry on like this. Showed my work colleague the venoumous text - she was shocked. I have asked for my house keys back and will give her hers. I used to pay her young daugher to look after the cats when we are away but this year as they are getting older and we have a kitten I am putting them in the cattery at great cost but at least they cant get run over or as last year we came home to find one with bad tail injury. She said she didnt know how it happened. Just wanted to say thanks for your answers, PM's etc - I am glad its not just me - sad but what can I do? Our sons are still friends but I dont want my son to go to uni with hers as she'd be on his case constantly. Thanks Ali xx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Valkyrie Posted May 31, 2013 Share Posted May 31, 2013 Difficult when the lads are friends. Love the radiator/drain bit and I love the age plus VAT! Yep, sometimes it's hard to sever ties, and it will probably play on your mind with the what if's and re analysing everything (what I tend to do and now try not to). But it is well worth it overall. After the probs with my brother and his wife and my mum I feel less stressed. I go and visit mum usually once a month. I still hear things that irritate like when mum announces that sil says things about my aunt as if she has known her forever. Decided to laugh about it instead! So much easier to have an ex-friend. I do think age has a lot to do with it. You think why on earth am I still being treated like a child, put down or used - enough is enough after all I'm blinking 55 now. It's not your problem - it's theirs because they suddenly realise they can't treat you like that any more and they don't like it! And if they don't like it then goooooodbyeeeeee! Life's too short! We can always have a partay here. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alis girls Posted November 9, 2013 Author Share Posted November 9, 2013 Yet another update = sorry. Got a text today inviting us to her sons 18th birthday bash. Text was obviously meant for family so I texted and said I am assuming this is a mistake? She texted back to say no we could go I told ES to go as its his mate - but I wont go - there will be an atmosphere plus she will have told everyone what a nasty old bat I am. OH agrees its probably best not too. I am puzzled as why contact me now? My OH saw her aunt in the chippie last night - they were chatting and he said he thought things had gone too far for us to be friends again. I dont want to ruin her sons birthday and its my sons 18th at end of Nov and I have only invited family and ES's g/f. I dont want a huge do and nor does ES and we cant afford it anyway. Any advice oh wise Omleters? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Willow Posted November 9, 2013 Share Posted November 9, 2013 Why now ? I guess she misses you and may be hoping for a reconciliation without an apology. Splitting up a friendship is not easy on either side whatever the reasons or history. That doesn't mean you should go to the party. I think just your son going is the best option. You decide what you want to do for both this party and your sons's 18th and stick to it. Don't let this bother you either, you decided what was best and your reaction to the invite just shows you made the right decision for you, if it hadn't been the right decision for you you'd have probably gone to the party. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ain't Nobody Here Posted November 9, 2013 Share Posted November 9, 2013 I agree. Don't over-analyse it or you'll drive yourself crazy! Your son should go to the party and then you have the party you want for him. Don't give her another thought . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grandmashazzie Posted November 9, 2013 Share Posted November 9, 2013 Perhaps this is her way of holding out the olive branch,if as you say you feel there is nothing left of your friendship you could maybe call in briefly and drop in a present for the son but just make clear you're only popping in.It will let her see you have moved on and aren't bearing a grudge and you have known her son for a long time it would be nice to acknowledge his 18th.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alis girls Posted November 9, 2013 Author Share Posted November 9, 2013 Thank you I knew I would get good advice on here. I had more or less made up my mind but wanted to know if others thought I was being nasty. I will send ES with a card and money gift from us and just say sorry but cant make it. Thank you for your honest comments Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
