Home made run and house for sale

[WitchHazel]

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[chickenlass]

Rant and rave all you like if it helps....I still think your and Angel [or a Saint] Or both!

[Seagazer]

ANH - carry on screaming all you like

[Lesley]

You can scream anytime you like we understand There but for the grace of God go most of us at some point.

 

.....and the same from me

[Fur 'n' Feathers]

Maybe have a bit of cheese and wine yourself this evening

 

We think that is an excellent prescription

[Ain't Nobody Here]

Thank you Doctor(s) .

[Olly]

been wondering how things were .. and hoping that no news was good news! She's not going to change is she ... come on here and rant all you like, we still want to hear how you are.

 

I think the nursing home sounds brilliant, btw.

[Ain't Nobody Here]

Forgot to mention in my rant yesterday that Mum had an appointment with her GP last week. The GP suggested "diplomatically" (Mum's word) that Mum shouldn't visit Dad in the mornings as that's when they're busiest. Mum seems to feel she's in the way and Dad doesn't get things done for him if she's there.

 

Can't visit Dad this afternoon as have YS kids v. dads football match & then ES at Scottish Championships rowing in Glasgow. So imagine my surprise when I went to visit him this morning, turned the corner towards his room and spotted a depressing looking figure (even from behind ) heading towards his room .

 

I couldn't face seeing her after the way she was with me on Friday so I turned tail and went straight home .

 

I'm so cross - she was insistent she would only ever visit him in the afternoons which messes up my visiting as I always go in the afternoons, but the one time I go assuming she won't be there, she is .

[Olly]

Don't blame you for turning around ... tbh I have wondered when you said she spends the mornings there, my experience is that they prefer visitors after lunch because morning is when they tend to do bathing, medications, etc.

 

I think you have to pursue your own course without reference to your mother's compass!

[Ain't Nobody Here]

Managed to avoid seeing and speaking to mum for almost a week .

 

She phoned this morning, upset because her only friend is moving into a nursing home. I suggested she could visit her "I couldn't possibly. She's got lots of friends in the home and will be going out on trips all the time." (Her husband was in the same home until he died and she visited every day.) She is obviously very, very lonely but won't listen to suggestions on how to combat that. The home help who came on Mondays (twice so far) didn't turn up this week - that means she doesn't like Mum, naturally, and won't be coming again .

 

She's also upset because Dad's drinking black coffee (he never used to) and eating things he never used to. I don't really see why it bothers her - why shouldn't he try new things? She also said he's changed and isn't the same man any more (is that really so surprising ) and she's not going to visit him any more because she finds it difficult to talk to him and hasn't got anything to say to him. I can sympathise with that, but it's surely not a reason not to go to see him any more .

 

Went to visit Dad this afternoon. He was quite chirpy but does say things that blatantly aren't right or true. He's been spending every day in the lounge and is even talking to the other residents . Goodness knows what they talk about - he told me he slept rough for 3 days last week .

 

It looked like Mum had been in this morning after all . She'd left some magazines (which he can't really read, but did ask for).

 

I'm afraid I lied and said I was busy today (partly true). I'm finding it more and more difficult to bring myself to spend time with her. I also know if I do spend time with her, she'll end up causing an argument.

[Helly Welly]

Hugs ANH!

 

Sorry i can't help, i really wish your Mum could just "see the light" and get some proper help. If she is so lonely, she must do something about it. I'm sure it's not that easy but it sounds to me like she almost revels in having problems, probably that attention-seeking thing again.

 

Don't feel guilty for taking some time away from her. Avoiding arguments is no bad thing and Lord knows, you've done more than your fair share of worrying over her.

 

Have some wine and choccy, the usual prescription.

[hilda-and-evadne]

I know a bit about adult grief reactions and I'd like to suggest that your mother sees a specialist adult grief counsellor or psychiatrist every fortnight for the next six months. It sounds to me as if she is holding back a tidal wave of misery and loss: loss of husband, loss of support that he gave her, loss of her way of life, loss of the future that she had expected to have with her husband. Some people, when the bottom drops out of their world (as has happened to your mother), are able to draw on their own personal resources to get them through and help them to make a meaning out of it all. But it sounds as if your mother can't do this because, perhaps, she is afraid of falling apart completely and not being able to put the pieces together again.

[Ain't Nobody Here]

Thanks for your advice, Rachel. I must seem very heartless and uncaring in the way I describe my mum . I do sympathise with what she's going through but unfortunately she has displayed this negative and depressive type of behaviour for a lot longer than the last few months. I feel her current problems with loneliness stem as much from her inability to form and maintain normal relationships as her sudden change of circumstances. The fact that she has one friend (and I'm not exaggerating) and no social life whatsoever is, in my view, proof of this inability.

 

She did spend 4 weeks in a psychiatric hospital and is being visited once a fortnight by a community pyschiatric nurse. I'm not sure if this would offer the same care as what you are suggesting .

 

You used the phrase "tidal wave of misery". At the risk of being flippant, I think she's been surfing that wave most of her adult life and in some ways, enjoys doing so. As Helly Welly suggests, it seems like she revels in having problems and making sure everyone knows about them.

 

Sadly, any attempt by myself or my brother to offer advice or practical help is usually dismissed totally. Any arrangements we have been allowed to set up to make life easier for her (cleaners, home helps) have failed because of her dissatisfaction with the people who come to her house.

 

I appreciate you taking the time to offer professional advice. If mum decides I'm worth talking to any time soon, I may try to suggest something along those lines. Unfortunately, she generally mistrusts and dislikes health professionals (although she does like her CPN) so I suspect that will be dismissed too.

[hilda-and-evadne]

You used the phrase "tidal wave of misery". ...

 

Sadly, any attempt by myself or my brother to offer advice or practical help is usually dismissed totally. Any arrangements we have been allowed to set up to make life easier for her (cleaners, home helps) have failed because of her dissatisfaction with the people who come to her house.

 

... I may try to suggest something along those lines. Unfortunately, she generally mistrusts and dislikes health professionals (although she does like her CPN) so I suspect that will be dismissed too.

 

I only have what you write here to go on but, to me, she sounds absolutely stricken with grief. I can see that you and your brother are doing a lot to try to make life easier but, without meaning to disparage what you are doing, you might be only "treating the symptoms".

 

It took me a week of thinking about it, whether or not I should, and would it make any difference, before I wrote that post this evening. I'll go away again, now.

[Ain't Nobody Here]

Rachel, please don't think I'm dismissing what you've posted. You clearly know a lot more about this type of thing than I do and I am really grateful to anybody who takes the trouble to respond to my ramblings. Sometimes it's good to get some advice which comes from a different viewpoint (ie mum's) to help me focus on her rather than the way I feel about her behaviour and how it affects me.

 

I wonder if the CPN (and indeed her GP, who she does see fairly regularly) will be dealing with any of the grief issues you mention. I can only hope so.

 

Please don't go away .

[freddie]

We, as a (slightly) younger generation, are more aware of how things can affect us, and the disruption it can cause us.And we have enormous resources available to help us deal with this.

More senior persons were brought up with stiff upper lip syndrome, where to show any sort of emotion is tantamount to being gutless, a weakness. To counteract this, an aggressiveness sets in, .... please god we all remain able to hold our thoughts softley when we get older and more confused, when the world seems to move too fast for us too.

Both of you are right, and both of you are wrong, as am I

[Sheilaz]

Hugs as always to you ANH, this has been going on so long.

I do think that Hilda & E. & Freddie are spot on from what I've read from the beginning.

This is what I wrote last March!

 

quote...Has your Father always covered for her irrationality, been the positive one to counter her negativity, and therefore perhaps hidden her worst behaviour from the world? ...

 

This of course isn't the whole story, but they've been together as a "double act" fior a very long time haven't they? Half of her has gone away, the stable, protective half!

 

I also mentioned how my Mother became even more & irrational & selfish when my sister & I nursed our Father (the sociable, jolly one). But now I recognise it was a shutting down due to fear and loss, it really was, although it felt just plain difficult at the time.

 

We actually get on better now than before in my life, 18 months later, although I never imagined she'd be the one left. She didn't either, see what I mean?

 

She hasn't even had one friend since about 1960, and won't have any "people" coming to the house. She was the same as your Mother about particular nurses in the hospital when she was ill.

 

You are being amazing & totally wonderful in a horrible situation. I'm only adding this because it may help you to think of her this way. She might feel like a frightened child. I don't mean you should pander to her, or that she should be treated like a child, she's an adult.

But, in your mind she may seem less challenging if you think of her feeling like that?

 

Love & strength zooming up to Edinburgh for you!

[Olly]

I can only add hugs, ANH ... you've been coping with your mum all your adult life, and you know just what she's been like and how bad she can get.

 

I'm sure that grief and loss does play a part in this, and perhaps it has done all her life, and as you say she's spent her life 'surfing' this wave because that's the way she learned to get attention or get what she wanted.

 

Part of the problem with the 'stiff upper lip' described by Freddie is that people of that generation are very reluctant to unburden themselves, whether it's to friends or counsellors. If your mum won't even tell the CPN the truth, then it's going to be difficult to get her to accept help on this one.

 

I've got no expert knowledge, just experience of going through the illness and death of elderly relatives. I hope you're looking after yourself, it sounds as if staying out of your mum's way doesn't do her any harm, and makes you feel better. Big hugs and positive vibes coming your way also!

[Helen&Lee]

ANH, the posts from you, Rachel and Freddie had me in tears last night - I can absolutely relate to the posts - both how you view her behaviour and the help Rachel sees she needs, but its taken me a long time to work it out.

The problem is what do you do when people all around can see the person needs some kind of help but the person themselves absolutely refuses point blank to see it herself?

 

Anyway, sending you virtual strength to keep you going, I often play catch up with your 'blog' and am full of admiration for your patience and selflessness -absolutely "Ooops, word censored!"ody could go through what you are dealing with better than you have.

 

Best Wishes for your Dad and Mum,

 

Helen

[MedusA]

Oh, ANH. I am so sorry to hear that things are still chugging along the same old path!

 

I really feel that the CPN could be more supportive. I think you said before that they didn't really seem to explore the issues you raised (apologies if I've got that bit wrong), but they must be used to people with mental health problems telling them what they want to hear, and be able to see through that. Once again, I think you are being sensible in avoiding your Mum for a bit, to catch your breath and stave off arguments. If she would accept counselling, that would be great, because not only would it help her sort out some of her issues, she would also get some one-to-one attention, which seems to be what she craves.

 

It must also be very upsetting for you that your Dad isn't his old self either.

 

Good luck. Still rooting for you! *hugs*

[baby bears mum]

Just want to send you hugs (and a major glass of wine!).

 

It may be a generation thing or a greif thing or both but quite frankly if you are having to deal with it on a day to day basis it is very hard to keep that in sight. You are absolutely amazing - I think I would probably have strangled her by now.

 

Take care honey.

 

Love

[jackiepoppies]

Hi ANH, As with Poet I haven't posted for a while, but it doesn't mean I'm not keeping up to keep date. Everyone has said everything and I can't really add anything useful. My thoughts are with as they are with Poet.

God bless.

Jackiex

[cathybc]

Just wanted to say big hugs and thinking of you

[riane]

sorry to hear things are still difficult, hope you get some rest , take care.

[Ain't Nobody Here]

Thanks for your kind thoughts. I'm managing to keep my distance and only really speak to/see her once a week. Tomorrow will tell if she's still on an even keel .