BeckyBoo Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 ....... On Thursday I had to ask my ex if he would help out with the children as my Mum wasn't well and wanted to leave 2 hours before I was due to finish work. Despite the fact that he wasn't working and was in the pub 200 yards up the road from my house he said no. Which narked me off mightily. Anyway, the row has continued on and off all weekend until today when I dropped the children at the pub so he could have them for the day (too cold for him to come and get them apparently! ) So there I am, eating cake and drinking coffee with Ygerna and her lovely family who had come to see the cube, when I get a call from ex's friend saying can I go straight round to his Mums as his Dad has been taken ill and they have had to call an ambulance (he has terminal cancer and is having chemo) So obviously I rush straight round there to find my ex drunk, his mother so clearly demented (she has undiagnosed Alzheimers or something similar, "Ooops, word censored!"ody has made her go to the doctors for the 18 months that she's been losing her mind - she asked ex if it was his birthday the other day, no mother, not til March ) and the ambulance crew dealing with FIL. So I busied myself tidying the carnage caused by my three and getting their shoes coats socks etc etc when ex comes up and says "Mums going to the hospital with a neighbour who will then brind her back, can she come to you for tea?" MIL is in tears obviously with everything that is going one, so I automatically said yes. Then I said, "Well what will you be doing?" So he says he doesn't know. Anyway, things go on for a while longer then my eldest says "Daddy says can Nanny stay at ours tonight?" And I'm like, WHAT? I have three children, I have to start my 32 hour week tomorrow, I have animals,and homework to sort and bath night and tea and sorry, you're a single bloke who's going back to the pub to carry on getting drunk and you want ME to look after YOUR MOTHER? When you wouldn't deal with the kids for 2 hours so MY mum could go home early on Friday. When she's the only one providing ANY child care? I don't bloomin' think so! So now I feel bad for thinking it. It isn't happening anyway as FIL has not gone to hospital, all the symptoms were from the chemo and the pint of lager he had so he chose not to go. So as far as I'm aware FIL and MIL are at home, however MIL's parting glance to me was, "Well, I won't be staying in tomorrow, I'm going out so he'll be on his own" Sorry, your husband has terminal cancer and requires care? I told ex that he would have to move in with them whilst his sister is away (she suddenly decided to go skiing for two weeks the week her Dad started his cancer, and he was like "I can't" Why is that? Not enough alcohol in the house for you? So I feel terrible for even thinking this stuff about my MIL, but I really can't manage her and her dementia because she is becoming VERY hard work, she disappears and forgets she's put things in the oven and stuff, I can't do that and everything else. She goes shopping four time in a day to Sainsburys and comes back with nothing. Am I bad for getting cross that he even asked me? I'm more cross with myself that I said yes initially when he so CLEARLY wouldn't lift a finger for me and the children. OOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooohhhhhhhh I wish he would just GO AWAY! I've had no money from him AGAIN, I'm kind of resigned to that now, how can people go through life SO SELFISHLY and so SELF_CENTRED??!! BeckyBoo Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ain't Nobody Here Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 Oh my word, what an awful situation you've been in . You're not bad at all, thinking that. His parents are his responsibility, not yours. Especially now that he's wrecked your marriage and left you on your own with the children. The trouble is, being a woman and a nice person, you'll be feeling responsible because you know he isn't. I don't really know what to suggest - I'd say leave him to it, if you weren't on hand to bale everybody out perhaps he'd pull his finger out. But, then again, will he ? I'm so sorry that you've got all this to deal with on top of everything else. I don't know what advice to give you but hope that it all works itself out without you having to run yourself ragged . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 this skiing sister is the one who caused all the problems with the christening I assume? Honestly Bex, they sound like a right load of nutters if you ask me, your ex is going to have to deal with it, not you! Don't cave in! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tessa the Duchess Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 Your ex sounds like a totally selfish pig, no offence meant to pigs. I agree with ANH, they are his parents and therefore HIS problem not yours. You have more than enough to deal with, don't feel guilty, look after your own beautiful children and your pets and that's it. I am so sorry that you are having so much stress in your life, it is difficult enough when a relationship breaks down, but all this other stuff is just not on. Stay calm, stay strong and we are all rooting for you and thinking of you. Tessa Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blackrocksrock Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 I think in my opinion they need help in the form of social services/home helps or similar and you have far too much on your plate to help = can you refer them to the doctors? Take car Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ain't Nobody Here Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 this skiing sister is the one who caused all the problems with the christening I assume?! I'd forgotten about her . Just wait till she comes back and make sure it all gets dumped on her - including her useless brother . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeckyBoo Posted February 1, 2009 Author Share Posted February 1, 2009 Honestly Bex, they sound like a right load of nutters if you ask me, quote] ROFLMAO VERY succinctly put, I knew I could rely on you, and yes, it is the same sister in law - luckily I only had the one!! Thank you so much, that was just what I needed!! BeckyBoo Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 I say it like I see it matey, glad it made you roll on the floor though Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ain't Nobody Here Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 That made me laugh too . Well done, Poet . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tiggerlady Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 Beckyboo,Im surprised you have any hair left 'cos Id have torn all mine out if I were you!!!! It might be worth remembering(in times of )that people with an alcohol problem will manipulate anyone and anything to their advantage and cannot see anything further than the end of their nose.They wont see what they dont want to even when sober.After all, you have enough on your plate at the moment just holding the family up,so please try to step back from their chaos.try to be strong and remember that 2 letter word NO..I really dont think that theres any more you can or should do for them..as said before they all sound slightly 'strange' He will let you do as much as possible for them 'cos it gets him off the hook..alcohol will always be the priority over anything else..harsh,but true..sorry..the cure is in his hands and until he takes the first step,he will always be under its control.. Sending you lots of strong thoughts.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 That made me laugh too . Well done, Poet . I'll start on your mother next if you're not careful!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ClaireG Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 Please do not beat yourself up over this, you are not a bad person. It's HIS parents, he should be the one dealing with them not you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jlo Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 I don't have any advice but, along with everyone else on here, thinking of you and sending those virtual (((())))) that ANH does so well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seagazer Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 OMG I was like this reading this. Don't feel guilty - his parents - he can sort them out. I know that sounds harsh but he isn't doing you any favours at the moment is he? I am sending you lots and lots of positive thoughts. How you are sane I don't know. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jules. Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 Phew. Please let him sort out his own parents, your burden is big enough already x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snowy Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 Just to say I agree with what everyone else has said! And don't feel guilty about it! Your priority is your children and keeping their lives stable right now. As long as people are there to pick up the pieces for him, he will let them. He needs a short sharp shock - so no guilt, you are doing him a favour! Sending (((hugs))) Be strong! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cam1 Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 Oh what a nightmare stay strong and try and leave him to get on with it...easier said than done though. Social services may be worth a try as surely they should be getting some sort of care package? Thinking of you. Cam mya velma Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chickvic Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 Agree with everyone else - they are his parents and you have enough to do. Sending you lots of (((hugs))). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missuscluck Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 Becky love, I agree with the above too. Walk away hun. Its his problem not yours. You have got enough on your plate now you are sole carer, breadwinner etc...add infinitum for your lovley kids. Sorry for your 'EX' mil but it is a situation you dont have to handle We are pre programmed to feel guilty and that we have to take control of the situation. Some things you cant change and this, like your ex's drinking, is one of them. Things wont improve for her even if you take her in for one night. What then?? She probably needs some longer term help which will need organising by her offspring. That they are useless is not your problem. Sending hugs. x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abwsco Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 OMG Becky, what a nightmare for you. Sending loads of {{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}} Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
A chickychickychick-ENN!! Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 Becky it sounds like you're doing so well moving on with your life from your other posts on here. Your ex is just that, and his family are his family, not yours. They are his responsibility. It's lovely that you care about them, it's lovely that you're a caring person even when you're hurting with everything life's thrown at you lately, but you choose where that starts and stops, and the practical stuff is all his to deal with. Your life is yours now, and you are free to look after those people you want to, and "Ooops, word censored!"ody else. From where I'm sitting here the people you are responsible for looking after are your children and yourself. You go girl. Keep being a brilliant mum, and that is that. A xxx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
miffy Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 I agree with all thats been said. Just wanted to send you lots of hugs and stay strong vibes Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PapaJuliet Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 I know it's the the done thing to think this way these days but when my father left "it was decided" that it would "be better for us" if my sisters and I had NO contact with him. We were about 6, 5 and 2 at the time... a bit younger than your eldest, I think. We all seem to have grown up "normal", well adjusted people and are all successful in our chosen careers. Was it such a bad decision? I read your situation and wonder whether you wouldn't be better off if you could make the same decision? In retrospect, it must have been a very hard decision for him but he did it for our benefit. We have all, been back in contact with him since (once we left home and went to university) but it's kind of difficult because he obviously thought of us as his daughters whereas I certainly, and I don't think my sisters, didn't think of him as our father. Best of luck getting things sorted out. PJ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ygerna Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 You have more than enough to deal with at the moment and his parents are not your responsibility. His parents are his, and his sisters responsibility if they cannot cope there are proper organisations and services who can help them. You have nothing to feel guilty about. It seems to me, that your Ex needs to show some maturity and take control but,sadly I dont think he is able to. If you feel yourself starting to say yes, try to remember that they are nowhere near as easy to look after as African Snails, and also, unfortunatly I thnk you may get into trouble if you tried to put your ex into the freezer and then on to the compost. On another note, Emily anounced in the car coming home from your house, that today was 'a great day because she got to see that nice lady and her chickens and play with her childrens toys' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Olly Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 They are NOT unreasonable thoughts, perfectly reasonable in the circs! You have enough on your plate, and I don't know how you remain sane and maintain your sense of humour as it is. NOT your problem, don't feel guilty and whatever you do, don't offer help - it will be the thin end of the wedge. Your ex CHOOSES to drink - it may not seem like a choice, but it is one. His sister CHOSE to go skiing, knowing her dad was terminally ill. You didn't choose to be where you are, but you can choose not to take on any more cr--, er I mean responsibilities. Stay strong, say no, and keep coming on here if you start to weaken! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
