Smart Feeder - Light sensor values

[chuckmum6]

My mum died 3 months ago and I really found New Year really hard, it just felt like she really is the past now the new year has moved on and left her behind. OH doesn't really understand that I am still hurting, and now mum has gone I do feel rather alone at times. Sorry to be miserable just felt like I needed to get it off my chest and see if anyone else felt the same with a new year passing.

[Snowy]

Aw Hun, this time of year is always difficult when you've lost someone very close. I lost my Mum at new year (albeit a long time ago now) and we lost mum in law this christmas, on boxing day. I really feel for you - sending big (((hugs))). You never forget, but the rawness does get easier with time. xx

[Space Chick]

This has been the first Christmas and New Year without my Grandad, and it had it's really hard moments so I know what you are going through. ((hugs))

[Sageandonion]

So sorry about your mum, sending you a big hug. I think the 1st year after losing a loved one is so awful with so many dates/occasions to face for the first time without them. Please give yourself some time and be kind to yourself and remember your mum will always be with you.

[chuckmum6]

Thank you all, your kind words do help.

[sadietoo]

I lost my Dad in September, and I felt exactly the same , almost as though leaving 2010 behind is leaving him behind too...I know it sounds daft. Sending hugs,

[Olly]

I think that's one of the hardest things about bereavement - not just the loss of the person but the feeling that you have moved on (even though that is natural) and that they haven't, and you're somehow leaving them behind. Someone said to me once 'you don't get over it, you just get on with it' and I think that's very true. What has surprised me is that seven, nearly eight years after losing my parents, the memories are still strong and I still feel close to them - the pain never gets less but you feel it less often.

 

Don't worry that you will forget your mum - you'll never forget her, and she'll come back to you in the most mundane situations when you are cooking or cleaning or doing something that you remember her doing. The difference is that instead of feeling sad, you will remember her and smile. I know it's hard to believe that when it's all so recent, and three months is no time at all. The first year is the hardest because of the many anniversaries that it brings but I hope 2011 will also bring you happy memories and new recollections.

[chuckmum6]

I lost my Dad in September, and I felt exactly the same , almost as though leaving 2010 behind is leaving him behind too...I know it sounds daft. Sending hugs,

 

That is just what I feel, sorry for you loss too.

[chuckmum6]

I think that's one of the hardest things about bereavement - not just the loss of the person but the feeling that you have moved on (even though that is natural) and that they haven't, and you're somehow leaving them behind. Someone said to me once 'you don't get over it, you just get on with it' and I think that's very true. What has surprised me is that seven, nearly eight years after losing my parents, the memories are still strong and I still feel close to them - the pain never gets less but you feel it less often.

 

Don't worry that you will forget your mum - you'll never forget her, and she'll come back to you in the most mundane situations when you are cooking or cleaning or doing something that you remember her doing. The difference is that instead of feeling sad, you will remember her and smile. I know it's hard to believe that when it's all so recent, and three months is no time at all. The first year is the hardest because of the many anniversaries that it brings but I hope 2011 will also bring you happy memories and new recollections.

 

It is amazing how tiny things a smell or passing thought, snowball into memories, sometimes I can smile, others I have black moments that build up. I never realised how deep grief runs. Thank you for your kind words.

[Jools]

Me too Chuckmum, I lost my lovely dad to cancer in July and I really miss him. While I'm happy he isn't suffering anymore and I have some wonderful memories of his visits to stay with us in the 18 months after his diagnosis, I can't believe he isn't here and won't be picking up the phone to report in again.

[Tutti Frutti]

I lost my Dad in September, and I felt exactly the same , almost as though leaving 2010 behind is leaving him behind too...I know it sounds daft. Sending hugs,

 

That is just what I feel, sorry for you loss too.

 

I am sorry girls and Jools too. Grief is always present but somehow, this time of year just makes it all the more poignant And lonely...

 

With each year that passes, I remember feeling that my loved ones were slipping further and further away from me, even more out of reach... Whoever said "time is a great healer" was onto something - but for me, not spot on... rather, time has helped me shift from denial to acceptance and now I cope with living without them. But you never forget. Tears are gradually replaced with smiles at fond memories and now, I feel lucky to have known them and had them in my life, as well as me being part of theirs.

 

You have my deepest sympathies. (((Hugs)))

[Old Speckled Hen]

So sorry about your mum.

I lost my dad 39 years ago. He died on New Years eve and was buried on my birthday. My mum has never remarried and gets very tearful at this time even now. My sister and I take turns to have her with us over new year.

The pain goes but memories remain and as time passes you will enjoy those flashes back, really.

Stay strong and lean on your friends.

[Daphne]

I just wanted to add my sympathies to you and everybody with a loss this year; I spent NY Eve writing an obituary and eulogy for an uncle, he wasn't close to the family so its not the same as the deep grief you're experiencing, but as OH and I both lost our fathers within past 3 years, we do know what you're going through.

 

My tuppence-worth is that 3 months is no time at all and grieving seems to work in very mysterious ways with waves of sadness and tears for no apparent reason coming on very unexpectedly. And its all completely natural and understandable, its Nature's way of enabling us to cope in the long run. I think I felt at my worst a couple of months after the death when the realisation really hit, and I have to say I do feel very sad now, I just wish he was still here. All I can say is let yourself grieve and ask your OH to be a little more patient and understanding. Its awful to lose a parent, one of life's fundamentals has disappeared and nothing can prepare you for it. Its probably hard to understand if one hasn't had to go through it, but on the other hand being made to feel you need to bottle it up is the worst possible outcome.

 

So my advice is, if talking helps (real or virtual) then try to find a way of carrying on!

[Alis girls]

First anythings be it Christmas, b'days, Easter whatever are rough. It does ease a little after that - we do a toast on Christmas Day to "absent friends" and also at new year - kids like this as they can raise their glasses even if they didnt know the person. It makes those mourning feel they are not forgotten. My best friend had her first Christmas without her mum and we did a toast on new years eve. people do move on quick but everyone does it in their own time. Hugs to those where it is still very raw and you know there are friends on here to chat to. Ali xx

[goodinparts]

3 months is no time at all..."Normal" grieving (whatever that may be) takes around 2 years to move from the acute phase...and family times are always harder when someone is missing.

I was quite overcome the other day to realise that I have now been my children's mother for substantially longer than I was my parents' child (they both died when I was 18, a stupidly long time ago) and somehow that made me miss them all over again in quite acute ways.

My love and prayers for all those struggling with new losses - and my admiration for all the lovely people who've expressed their care in posting here

[Bramble]

Chuckmum, I can only echo what others have said. I lost two very special people within ten days of each other in 2009. Christmas and New Year were very difficult last year, as were the first anniversaries of their deaths just a few weeks ago. I still miss them both terribly, in fact I think I always will but have to say, just in the last week or so, I have started to think of them both in a different way. Not a day goes by when I don't think of them, but Im starting to find that thinking about them now makes me feel sort of "warm and happy" rather than "sad and upset". I'm not explaining this very well, but I think what I mean is that I'm tending to think of the happy memories more and more, rather than the grief and sadness of their passing. This is, I think, eggactly (sorry, couldn't help myself ) what others have said, but I just thought I'd add to the positive vibes and echo that your feelings will change in time, though it's very early for that to happen. Sorry, this doesn't make any sense at all, but I am sending you hugs anyway!!

[Cinnamon]

It is a horrible time of year for the newly bereaved,but it does get better,I promise

 

I lost my Mum almost 2 years ago,& her birthday was Christmas Eve,so it is always a poignant day for me.

I do my very best to keep it a happy day (despite my siblings insistence of wallowing in their grief.Honestly,you would think it was illegal to smile,let alone have a happy memory ) because my Mum loved the day & she was a really optimistic,happy person.

 

This November I lost a loved nephew,who took his life,aged just 26. It hit me hard,but I think that Christmas & New Year have helped really,because I remember all the happy times we had.

 

It will get better,time is a great healer.

 

Next year focus on the happy times you shared during the festive period,& it will make things easier

[chuckmum6]

Many thanks for all the kind words it does help to hear that it will get better - thank you very much. I do find my hens a source of comfort, something my mum enjoyed too.

[chickencam]

My thoughts are with you, it is hard to lose a loved one, in time most of the memories are happy ones but even after 35 years I still miss my little brother who died in an accident, but as I say most of my memories are happy ones.

[sadietoo]

So many lovely posts here, and so much good advice re grieving . I seem to have had a lot of loss in my life, my mum died 25 years ago (far too young) , followed by my first husband two years later in an RTA and a favourite aunt (my mum's eldest sister) six days after his funeral ( and stupidly) my lovely pet cat Chertsey (another RTA) all in the same year,(don't know why I count him in, but his death seemed like the final insult at the time). I was a complete mess for quite a while and you will understand why. Then in the last three years I have lost my Mum's youngest sister (more like a Granny to my kids, and a mum to me, she was my childminder when my daughter was born and I had to go back to work, yep, she was absolutely fantastic and I miss her a lot) and her younger brother, who lived with us as when I was a kid and was also like a big brother to me, and now this year my Dad. Funnily enough, Dad's death (the one that I imagined would be the worst) mostly I can cope with. I made absolutely sure to tell him I loved him every time I left him, I didn't want any unfinished business snapping at my heels..and I'm sure that helped.He was very very poorly, and so it was a blessed release for him. Some days I feel like I have a degree in grieving, but I know from experience that it does get better, and I focus on the happy memories with all of them and feel blessed to have had such a fantastic supportive family . We are not all that lucky I know. Life smiled on me, and I now have an absolutely wonderful husband and two fabulous kids... and funnily enough through Dad's demise, I have got to know cousins that I didn't know that well before (Dad wasn't a great one for keeping up with his family) and made new friends and new support. It seems trite to say that every cloud has a silver lining , but it pays to keep looking for the positives..love to all who are grieving xxxx

[chuckmum6]

My mum had had a massive stroke that left her half paralysed and almost completely blind, she was an artist, musician and keen gardener, she also dearly loved doing things with her "grandboys" as she called my sons. She lost all of this and ended up in a care home for the last two years of her life. We (my brother and my family) did do our best by her. We visited lots and took her out (luckily the home had a car we could use) so she came to my house for Sunday dinners, Christmas and as many occasions we could manage with busy lives. Mum appreciated this and we all got a chance to say I love you, so very glad we did. I did think that I had grieved a lot already for the loss of my pre-stroke mum, as our relationship was very different but not all negative, I was there for her when she needed me. Since her sudden death I realise that I hadn't grieved for her really, and almost feel like I am grieving for two mums, if that makes sense! Although, really it was a release for such a clever and active woman, who had lost so very much, she did love her visits and chats with us all and still loved spending time with her "grandboys"! I miss her (both of her), the grief can sneak up sometimes when I am doing unrelated things and my train of thought ends up with her, other times I can feel it building, like New Year. I have lots of memories and my house is full of her wonderful art work. Things are still very hard with my father, who had an affair as soon as my mum had a stroke and moved his new woman into his and mum's house two years ago. This was very hard for mum and both my brother and me, it is still messy and very complicated, but it maybe possible to move forward now mum is here to get hurt or need protecting. I am touched by everyones comments, it has surprised me I'd never really thought about discussing such things in this sort of way,but it had helped me out of my New Year dip - THANK YOU ALL!

[Chickendoodle]

So sorry to hear of your loss. I lost my Mum very suddenly in 2005 at the age of only 70 (went to get her hair done, sat in the chair and her heart stopped). It took me a full 2 years before I was on an even keel again. I don't think you ever truly get over it but the heart wrenching pain that comes as soon as you realise yet again that she has gone gradually diminishes.

 

Mum died in March and I remember vividly the first Mother's Day afterwards- I had to rush out of a shop because there was a display of cards and it hit me with such a force that I didn't have a Mum any more.

 

I didn't realise how bad I felt (and I think it was actually worse after 6 months or so before it started getting better) until I came out the other side.

 

My Dad died the following year aged only 71. He had Parkinsons and a lot of other problems and that felt like more of a release (or maybe as I was still grieving for Mum I couldn't grieve any more?)

 

It is generally OK now although there are still times when it is horrible - my YD is getting married in May and my Mum

adored her and would have so loved to have been there. I am going to put a little photo of her on the top table so she will not be left out. My YD looks very like my Mum so I think in a lot of ways she lives on through me, my DS and my children.

[Tiggy]

its a difficult time of year when you are still grieving, 3 months isnt that long, and last year so many of my friends and family have lost people close to them. Its a new year and hopefully it will be better for all of us. ((HUGS))

[tara]

my uncle recently died on new years day he was my dads twin brother and they were very close.My poor aunt is in bits he had bowl cancer he died at home peacefully with family with him.I saw him the evening he died and wish now l had'nt he was a lovely man they were very happy and had lots of plans for the future its made me want to spend more time with my aunt luckly as well she has lots of lovely friends.But we have not had the funeral yet it will be a hard day to get through.

[Jools]

So sorry to hear that Tara and yes, losing someone does make you value those around you even more and puts everything else into perspective. I hope the funeral wasn't too difficult for you.

 

I think I did most of my grieving soon after my dad was diagnosed but I feel blessed that he was determined to make the most of his remaining time and that we spent so much of it together, leaving me with so many lovely recent memories of him. I've been able to smile when remembering him for a while now, but sometimes I'm overwhelmed by sadness and the tears come from nowhere. It's all part of the process though, and better out than in.

 

Hugs to everyone in the same boat.