Eglu Cube Coop and Accessories

[memphisto]

Evening all,

 

I need to let off a bit of steam tonight as I am tad wound up and my usual therapists are tucked up in their coop!

 

I had my 2nd baby 10 weeks ago and from the word go she was an awful sleeper, only going to sleep for half an hour at a time in hospital, then waking up for 4 hours, then asleep for 30 mins and so the pattern repeated. My son was excellent, he slept through from 3 weeks, he still has no problem sleeping at 2 and a half.

 

Now, she'll sleep from 11pm-1.30am, be awake screaming for anyting up to 2 hours after her feed (nappy done, fed, refusing more feeds, basically all bases covered), then back to sleep for 2 hours, then awake and repeat the pattern.

 

I am shattered with that and looking after a toddler too. Problem is my OH......

 

He is quite a hands on dad, when it comes to anything in the day time but at night, he gets annoyed with me if she cries and wakes him. I do the first feed and he is supposed to take the second one, about 5.30-6am, so he gets (if he can sleep, which he usually does) a full night. Anyway, IF he does this second feed, he wants a lie in for doing so, it's always 'I'll be up in 10 minutes' or 'Wake me in an hour, I'm shattered' then he'll stay there til nearly 10am, when I've been up since 6am an would love a lie in but have to get my son ready for nursery or he's already up and about in his room playing but shouting 'Mummy' at the top of his voice!

 

Today for example, baby got us up at 6.30am, my son got up at 7am, OH said he was going back to bed for an hour as he was shattered. I said 'OK' and got on with looking after the littlies. At 8.30, I woke OH, who then claimed he had a migraine, so couldn't get up, now I do appreciate he gets migraines but this is the 6th in a week and they only come in the mornings and are gone by 11am at the latest He finally surfaced at 11.30, all washed, dressed whilst I was still in my PJ's, then he wants to go straight out, so I've not got time for a shower.

 

We are supposed to have one night a week when one of us doesn't get up to the baby, so the other can get some sleep. I do my night for him to get sleep and then I get up as usual. When he does his turn in the morning it's always 'I'm shattered, got a migraine, backache etc' and he goes back to bed and now he's started being so noisey (which he wasn't before) that he wakes me and I end up being awake anyway.

 

I'm starting to get a bit resentful tbh, if I do manage to grab an hour in the day, he wakes me up, either by being so loud doing something or he'll wake me saying he doesn't want me to not sleep in the night. I've become really snappy with him, which I know is wrong but I'm running out of steam myself now.

 

I just don't know how to approach it with him, he's a student, studying one day a week for his degree and he gets his work done but I don't manage to get stuff done I need to do.

 

I really don't know what to do, I asked him if he would mind me going to bed at 9pm and he said I could lay on the sofa if I wanted to sleep!

[patsylabrador]

You must be exhausted. I will think of something more useful to say but I know this forum is usually very quiet on Sundays but they will be there for you over the next few days. Best wishes!

[Looney]

Oh, I really feel for you

 

We've had plenty of erm "issues" along these lines, having been blessed with two non sleepers! At least we had no expectations of my daughter sleeping through (she still doesn't) as her older brother has always been a terrible sleeper. I'll try write a longer reply when on the laptop not my Ipod! Daughter (now 9 months) and I have been awake since 5am which seems to be her preferred time to get up. OH is fast asleep in the spare room!

[bigmommasally]

My babies are grown up and left home now but I still remember the misery of sleepness nights, your baby sounds very much like my first baby she used to take about 2-3 hours to get off to sleep and then only sleep for about 20 mins. And your OH sounds very similar to mine, now when he looks back at how he was he is very ashamed that he didn't support me more.

Do you have any family who would be willing to stay for just one night to give you a break? It is very hard when you are so exhuasted to think of solutions, try chatting it over with your health visitor (are there still health visitor nowadays?) she may have ideas that may help settle your little one easier.

 

I hope things get easier soon for you, take care

[Busybird]

Sleep deprivation is a recognised form of torture.

 

Would it help if your OH took charge of your older child and the household tasks when he is around leaving you to concentrate on the baby? If you only need to deal with that you may be able to doze between feeds.

 

Other than that all I can suggest is letting anything that is not absolutely essential be ignored. That includes most housework.

 

Why do you have to go out when OH suggests it? Could he not take your older child and leave you to rest?

 

When I was going through this stage my OH (who never did any of the feeds) used to take our older children to the supermarket on a Saturday morning after I had fed the baby. This gave me a quiet house for a couple of hours - even that amount of sleep helped.

 

I also spent a lot of time in pyjamas and we didn't socialise for years (this may not suit everyone but I needed rest more than outings).

 

It is a really difficult stage and I can understand you feeling miffed if you do not feel supported. If you could get him to agree to help in ways that he is willing and able to - housework, shopping, looking after older child, leaving you to rest - it may help you just to feel that he is supporting you rather than reneging on tasks you thought he should be doing.

 

Be kind to yourself. Don't expect too much of yourself. And I hope baby starts sleeping more soon

[patsylabrador]

Re your baby crying: when I was pregnant with my first baby I was given a dummy by an older lady who said put in a drawer just in case. I thanked her, put it in a drawer and forgot about it as I was pathetically snooty about using it. Then when my little girl was a couple of weeks old and driving me to distraction I remembered it and was then pathetically grateful for it. She didn't use it for long, but it calmed things down and helped me out. If you haven't tried that yet, it might work.

Re your OH : I've met women who are mothers, full time employed and doing their degree. It's really not a good reason for not helping you. In the long term it's to everyone's advantage that you are well rested, healthy and happy. Good Luck!

[chickencam]

I think that there will be a lot of women who can relate to how you are feeling. My OH has never needed as much sleep as me, therefore he simply didn't understand when I wanted to go to bed early or have a lie in, saying that I was being boring and anti-social (this was because I was keeping very anti-social hours)

 

We have come through it and I was glad of the spare room at times with the older two, but this wasn't an option with the third. I got very run down and ill about 5 months after having our third child at which point I think he began to realise that I had run myself ragged. He is much more supportive these days and says that a lot of his lack of support was probably down to lack of confidence with a new situation and a certain amount of jealousy too about being a little sidelined. He did at least have the excuse of being a full time worker though.

 

There is an element of ignoring the baby when you know that all of the necessary tasks have been done, they really do need to learn to get themselves off to sleep. I have 2 poor sleepers who take after their dad and one who takes after me and could sleep for England. They are all teenagers now so sleep at erratic times anyway, but the two girls still don't sleep as much as their brother. For your own sanity you will sometimes have to let her cry.

[Chickendoodle]

Poor you. Sleep deprivation is so very hard and leaves you unable to cope with very much. Can you nap at all during the day when your toddler is at nursery? Having had a non sleeper after a good sleeper I know exactly how you feel. I finally worked out that my YD just liked to cry herself to sleep. It used to make her cross if I tried to rock/soothe her in any way but if I laid her in her cot and let her cry she would be asleep in 10 minutes. Very very different to my ED who was so placid - you could just put her in the cot wide awake and she would lay there contented until she fell asleep.

I had broken nights for many many months. The way I coped was to take cat naps during the day rather than using the time to do housework.

As for my OH - he left me and moved in with his best friend's wife when my YD was 5 months old so not much support there !

[Snowy]

Poor you, I really feel for you

Definitely talk to your health visitor - it is her job to support you, even if she can't give physical support, she can give you the emotional support you need and help you to identfy ways of getting through this.

My middle son was also a nightmare, crying at night when, as you say, all bases have been covered. Eventually I worked out that he cried because he was overtired and the more I went back to him, the harder he found it to get back to sleep. I hated myself for it, but in the end had to do the controlled crying thing. I know it's not everyones cup of tea, but even on the first night I noticed he went to sleep sooner than if I'd stayed with him. It took three nights to crack him! It was bliss! He is 9 now and still gets overemotional and weepy when tired. I can spot the signs now and march him off to bed PDQ before he gets hysterical!

Just keep your chin up - it doesn't last forever, and do make sure you get help. Husbands aren't always the best ones to support us through this

[Goosey Lucy]

Poor you, sleep deprivation is torture.

Lots of good advice here, I can't add any more except I also did the controlled crying thing, hated it at the time but it worked with both of mine.

Keep coming on here to let off steam if it helps x

[chickencam]

My ED was 3 months old before I realised that I weas actually keeping her awake which was why she was so grumpy. Once I put her to bed and she went to sleep it was like a miracle.

[patsylabrador]

Well, I just learnt some stuff about crying babies that I really wish someone had told me 27 years ago. I didn't have a clue with ny first baby, I was probably just annoying her all the time. Think I still do to be honest!!

[Angie]

It is awful when you have a baby that doesn't do the text book sleep.

I agree that we smother our babies and need to let them have a cry and settle down to sleep so the controlled crying is good, if that doesn't work then it is really difficult.

My YD cried the minute she came out of the incubator, the midwives would take her away after feeds to get her to sleep but she never did the sleep thing. She went to sleep at 2pm for a whole 10 mins , and at midnight for half an hour that was it, i agreed with everyone doctors nurses midwives health visitor everyone she needed to sleep and so did i. I did all the let her cry and settle until i wanted to do her some serious harm and took her to the doctors in desperation. She was tested , bloods taken everything you could think of. She was hyperactive and food colours and additives wereto blame.Amazing how much was in baby foods 30 yrs ago and many are still there as natural additives......

She was drugged for three consecutives nights every few weeks when i was desperate so I could sleep and cope. I cooked all her meals but it made little difference , it did stop the crying, she was a year old before she slept 1 1/2 hrs a night but no day nap at all. Now at 30 yrs old she sleeps 3 hrs a night.

I coped with a husband who never changed a nappy bathed or fed her ever, never even picked her up or her elder sister. I have to admit for a planned family it didn't help us stay together and a divorce wasn't far away.

All i will say is Don't be scared or too proud to ask for help whether from family or friends...Super mum does not exsist it is all hype. Ask Your mum or in laws to take the children on an afternoon so you can sleep or get the jobs done is a great help, i'd start with so you can sleep first , Then tell your OH you are going to bed don't ask him if you can, When hes set to go out tell him No and have a nap when the babies go down.......your the other parent of the partnership putting the childrens needs first.

[Seagazer]

I do feel for you. My eldest was a terrible sleeper (I still blame the midwives making me wake her up to feed every 3 hours) hubby and I used to take it in turns with her as we did get to tearing out our hair stage. I think your hubby definitely needs to pull his weight more. You should insist that he helps out more.

 

As an aside, with my youngest I saw a cranial osteopath that specialised in children and babies just after I'd had him. He wouldn't settle and although not as screamy as my eldest I was concerned that he would go the same way. YS had a couple of sessions and was such a calm baby and could then sleep for England. Might be worth trying

[chickencam]

A friend of mine also took her daughter to a cranial ostepath and it worked wonders for her too.

[C&T]

I just don't know how to approach it with him, he's a student, studying one day a week for his degree and he gets his work done but I don't manage to get stuff done I need to do.

 

I really don't know what to do, I asked him if he would mind me going to bed at 9pm and he said I could lay on the sofa if I wanted to sleep!

 

 

How to approach him? I took the rational approach with my OH. Wrote everything down first to get it straight in my sleep deprived addled brain, and then explained why I was feeling how I was. i.e. I was only getting X hrs consecutive sleep, and only Y hours in total, where as he was getting 8 hrs etc. You need to avoid a screaming match!

 

Have you tried leaving him with the children by himself for a day or a weekend? (not sure if that is possible if breast feeding). If you can go for a weekend to a friends or family, he would have to cope, and he might understand just how knackering it all is!

 

Oh, and tell him you are going to bed at 9pm (which was quite late for me!!) and don't ask!

[craftyhunnypie]

Not a mum myself, but my little nephew who is now just over 2 - was a very roaring, crying baby. My sister was advised to move him from Actamil milk to Cow & Gate, as the Actamil wasn't satisfying him enough & filling him up. He also had lots of colic with that. Once on Cow & Gate, he was a different baby! Bless him.

Hope you can get a bit of sleep, rest & support soon.

Emma.x

[Alis girls]

have been there - my OH is a marvellous dad but I can honestly say after ES (who sleeps for the commonwealth - 15yrs old so it does improve) he seemed to get PND too. I relied heavily on a marvelous HV as mum had died in the March - son born in November. Without her I think I might have done something silly. However in a few months things will change. Get little un checked out for any health probs - without sleep you get very clumsy and inarticulate and that can be dangerous with small kids to look after. I think you should ask if there is something just to give probably to get sleep pattern established. Phergan used to be drug of choice I think. I found my eldest slept in the car and pushchair and would drive round like a looney to get just an hours respite.

Can OH or some other kind soul take baby out for a long walk so you can get a couple of hours kip.

Letter sounds a good idea.

It does get better - please get help and remember there are lots of friends on here. Hugs Ali xx

[Alis girls]

Another fan of cranial osteopathy here - did wonders for ES glue ear.

[Looney]

Righto, finally found time to get on the laptop!

 

My OH could sleep for Britain, he can nod off anytime, anywhere. No amount of disturbance prevents him from going back to sleep and it drives me nuts!!! With our first Bogwoppit this led to endless rows as I was up several times in the night - breastfeeding and just settling baby back down - and OH would sleep. I wouldn't be able to get back to sleep, especially if I was wound up by OH not helping out and so I'd be totally shattered in the morning. Bogwoppit would wake up and cry and no amount of persuasion could shift OH so I'd be the one getting up. On the few occasions OH did get up, I'd come downstairs after a while and find him fast asleep on the sofa and baby left to his own devices. I was resentful, angry and all of this made much worse cos I was so flipping tired! Didn't help that Bogwoppit didn't sleep through the night regularly until he was nearly two years old!

 

So, with Bogwoppit number two I decided that I couldn't cope with the same thing again, especially if she was going to be a non sleeper as well. OH was shifted into the spare room and baby was in with me. The result is that although I'm still shattered I don't get wound up with OH snoring away next to me and not getting up. If baby won't settle then I can bring her in bed with me, plenty of room for that! The deal is that OH has to get up to see to eldest child, now 3 and half, when he needs to go to the loo or if he has a bad dream. He also has to get up in the morning when I wake him to take over and god help him if he moans Things are a lot less stressed, not very romantic to be in different rooms but let's face it when I go to bed at the moment I'm so tired I want to sleep and that's it! When daughter arrived I used to go to bed as early as I pleased, sometimes 7pm if I was really tired and she was ready for sleep. Anything to try and catch up a bit. Another bonus of OH being in the other room is he doesn't wake me up when he comes to bed late

 

Mind you, OH still reckons he's really tired.

[memphisto]

Thank you, thank you, thank you all.

 

I actually appraoched OH's mum to talk to him and she did, she put him right in his place and to his credit he felt very guilty about the way I was feeling, he didn't realise what it looked like.

 

I am breast feeding her in the day but it didn't satisfy her at night, so we combination feed her, Mummy in the day and formula at night. It's OH's night off tonight but he's promised me he'll do all of the other night feeds this week until next Monday night and we'll review together

 

Babe has started sleeping (well 2 days in a row) between 11am-1pm, so we've agreed I am going to sleep in that period, when possible, he is not to wake me unless in dire emergency!

 

Not completely sorted but it's a start....

 

Thank you all so much for your advice, understanding and help, I am glad to know I'm not alone in this and that I'm not failing as a mother for not having a perfecty sleeping baby!

[CatieB]

My DS is now 7 years old and was initially a TERRIBLE sleeper, my DH and I got virtually no sleep for the whole of the first 6 weeks- other than the bits about your man I could have written your first post; as so many have said sleep deprivation is torture.

 

At 6 weeks I was at breaking point and could not go on. Someone mentioned routine and that was the turning point for our family, I saw changes straight away and within 2 weeks my son slept through and has continued to be a fantastic sleeper.

 

I know many people are dead set against giving babies routine and I am sure some will be screaming at this post but for us it worked. It gave us the sleep we needed to function and created a much happier home. I had the book The contented baby by Gina Ford and used it as a guide and managed to use my sensible head to decide how much I used it (or not).

 

A friend and I were commenting recently about what good sleepers our children are, and we wondered if it came from installing a sleep rountine early on.

[The Dogmother]

Got the t shirt for that one too, although I was on my own almost immediately after she was born.

 

Cranial osteopathy really helped but she just didn't need to sleep - very hard when I had to get up at 6am to go to work

 

See if OH will look after the older one while you see to the baby - he really ought to help out, but then some folk can be very precious about their sleep.

[WitchHazel]

 

I actually appraoched OH's mum to talk to him and she did, she put him right in his place and to his credit he felt very guilty about the way I was feeling, he didn't realise what it looked like.

 

Well done you for talking to your OH's mum, and well done to your OH's mum for helping. It's great that you have her as an ally. SHe deserves a big hug I think.

 

Always good to try and tackle these things early on, before they have time to fester.

 

Hope it works out for you, and I hope your little one starts sleeping for longer periods soon.

[The Dogmother]

That's fantastic news; what a lovely MIL.