Cinnamon Posted February 15, 2013 Share Posted February 15, 2013 A small rant..................... I don't like going out,especially in large groups,especially all females & especially when out of 25 people there,I know just 2. I feel uncomfortable,awkward & I just hate the whole thing. I would rather be at home with my family. I realise I am somewhat socially inept & have been diagnosed with mild SAD (social anxiety disorder) Now I can't help not enjoying these sort of gatherings,& I certainly don't make excuses,I just thank whoever for the invitation, but say no. My new sister-in-law,who I have only met a handful of times, invited me to her baby shower & I declined,saying that it isn't really my sort of thing. It isn't - a big bunch of wittering women eating cupcakes & playing baby based games is my idea of hell. Out of 25 women there,I have met 2. The hostess (my new SIL) I have only socialised with a handful of times. She has apparently taken HUGE offence, & has deleted not only me but my daughter too from her Facebook friends list Since when did an invitation stop being something you could decline if you didn't want to go,or couldn't go as in my daughters case, & become an obligation? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Willow Posted February 15, 2013 Share Posted February 15, 2013 Look on the bright side - you found out what she was like early on thus saving you much enforced socialising time What a nutter Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kinsk Posted February 15, 2013 Share Posted February 15, 2013 Sometimes honesty isn't the best policy, and I think if you just replied saying 'it's not my kind of thing' then she could take offence to it, possibly thinking you are judging her. Baby showers have taken a big bashing as just being aimed at raking in gifts. It doesn't sound like you know each other that well. Maybe a more diplomatic - thank you for the invite, I really wouldn't know many people there and wouldn't like to be a bit of a gooseberry, but I really hope you have a lovely day. Hope to catch up soon Raucous hen do's really aren't my thing, and they seem to becoming more and more expensive involving a whole weekend of forking out for something you would gladly swerve, but saying to the bride that dressing up like an idiot, watching a load of frustrated women getting as drunk as possible whilst going out of their way to humiliate the bride to be, themselves and any man unfortunate enough to be in the vicinity, doesn't tend to go down that well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cinnamon Posted February 15, 2013 Author Share Posted February 15, 2013 Look on the bright side - you found out what she was like early on thus saving you much enforced socialising time What a nutter Thanks - that made me laugh out loud & has really cheered me up! She is very social - every birthday,anniversary & passing of wind (it seems) has to be celebrated with a party. As a family,we never did this before now, & I do sort of feel that she is asking us to behave how she thinks we should behave. She is also ultra controlling And a nutter,as you say Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cinnamon Posted February 15, 2013 Author Share Posted February 15, 2013 Maybe a more diplomatic - thank you for the invite, I really wouldn't know many people there and wouldn't like to be a bit of a gooseberry, but I really hope you have a lovely day. Hope to catch up soon Couldn't - it was a surprise event, so the invitation came from a friend of hers I have never met,so I couldn't apologise to my SIL in advance of the event, & she deleted me so fast after the event that I now don't feel inclined to apologise! I just said that I couldn't come to the person who invited me.....I know it says that I said it wasn't my sort of thing in my first post,but looking back at the email I sent,I actually just said I couldn't go & neither could my daughter as she is at Uni. You are right - I don't know her very well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kinsk Posted February 15, 2013 Share Posted February 15, 2013 Maybe a more diplomatic - thank you for the invite, I really wouldn't know many people there and wouldn't like to be a bit of a gooseberry, but I really hope you have a lovely day. Hope to catch up soon Couldn't - it was a surprise event, so the invitation came from a friend of hers I have never met,so I couldn't apologise to my SIL in advance of the event, & she deleted me so fast after the event that I now don't feel inclined to apologise! I just said that I couldn't come to the person who invited me.....I know it says that I said it wasn't my sort of thing in my first post,but looking back at the email I sent,I actually just said I couldn't go & neither could my daughter as she is at Uni. You are right - I don't know her very well. Sounds like she's a mare then! and you are getting to know her a bit better! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Egluntyne Posted February 15, 2013 Share Posted February 15, 2013 I always hastily arrange a previous engagement at times like this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mollyripkim Posted February 15, 2013 Share Posted February 15, 2013 Poor you, I totally sympathise as I hate that sort of thing as well, including various parties selling things. Used to go along and hate it but feel at my age I am allowed just to not go so I politely decline invitations. I am much happier on a one to one (or two) or with close family. I really wouldn't worry too much, if she has deleted you over something as small as this then she isn't worth bothering with anyway, life is too short! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnnieP Posted February 15, 2013 Share Posted February 15, 2013 Eek! She sounds horrid! Invite her to something she will hate... A classical music concert, a scrabble evening, cake baking demo....Presumably, she will feel obliged to accept! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WitchHazel Posted February 15, 2013 Share Posted February 15, 2013 I just said that I couldn't come to the person who invited me.....I know it says that I said it wasn't my sort of thing in my first post,but looking back at the email I sent,I actually just said I couldn't go & neither could my daughter as she is at Uni.. What bizarre behavious on her part! I can see that, if you had said it wasn't your sort of thing then it could have been taken the wrong way... but I can't see why she should be so offended. Maybe she needed a "...but I hope you'll have a really great party" or something. It's very tempting to let things lie, especially as it may mean you don't get future invitations, but these things can get a bit out of hand. Maybe an email to say "Hi, hope the baby shower went well. Hope you don't mind me asking, but have I done something to offend you? I noticed that you've unfriended both me and xx, and I'm not sure why? If it is something I've done, please let me know. All the best, Sarah". Or something like that, anyway. DOn't say anything (at the intial stage) about why you didn't want to go. If she's got her cranky head on, it won't help. Just enough so that the ball is in her court. If she does say she was upset, then you can tell her that wasn't your intention, and then you could explain a bit (not everything), just that you really find parties with lots of people you don't know very difficult, and you didn't want to go and look like you were not enjoying yourself. If she doesn't say anything about the party, then best to wait until an opportunity arises (ideally when there is no party in the offing) of telling her you find large gatherings difficult. And in the meantime, I agree with Patricia. Hope that helps Hazel Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kinsk Posted February 15, 2013 Share Posted February 15, 2013 Maybe an email to say "Hi, hope the baby shower went well. Hope you don't mind me asking, but have I done something to offend you? I noticed that you've unfriended both me and xx, and I'm not sure why? If it is something I've done, please let me know. All the best, Sarah". l Agree with this. Sorry I initially thought that she had sent the invitation to you. If she has taken such offense to feel the need to unfriend both you and your daughter then it would suggest the friend who was organising it has said something to her about you not attending. Putting the ball in her court as soon as possible, I think, would be the best way forward. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cinnamon Posted February 15, 2013 Author Share Posted February 15, 2013 It does help, thanks. Again, there is no way I could have contacted her before the event to apologise & wish her well, as it was a surprise. Just had a message from my Brother saying that he is 'very disappointed' in me for not going. I have decided to not contact them now until they get their heads out of their backsides...I will probably have a long wait! I will send them a baby gift when the time comes of course. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CatieB Posted February 15, 2013 Share Posted February 15, 2013 It sounds like my idea of hell too. I think you are in the right. However in the sake of family harmony I think you should reply. They are making a mountain out of a molehill, but I think you should rise above and try to smooth troubled waters (oo er what have I been drinking)???? I like the email suggestion but given you are related to him why not send your brother a nice reply.For example does your brother know you were available? If not wouldn't a little white lie be ok; so sorry I couldn't make it, really couldn't get out of.....hope it went well. If brother knows you were available then think up something else, for example you're right it is disappointing and I'm so sorry you know how terrible I am at these things x typed through firmly gritted teeth. Given that you now know she is highly sensitive / strung in future you must diarise a prompt apology, i.e for first thing the next morning if its a surprise. if not a surprise you need to keep on hand a number of suitable excuses. Start collecting now Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bramble Posted February 15, 2013 Share Posted February 15, 2013 I really feel for you, that kind of event (I don't mean a baby shower specifically, but anything where I hardly no anyone) is my idea of complete HELL. I got an invite (very last minute) to a "do" a while back, I said i couldn't make it, so found myself having to go out so the neighbours (who were hosting the party) wouldn't think I was being rude I know people are only trying to be friendly, but I wish they'd leave me alone, I really can't handle parties and stuff like that but nor do I want to offend anyone by seeming rude when I say no ... but people do seem to take offence when I refuse (even though I try desparately hard to do it nicely and say thank you very much for asking me etc etc). Stop the world, I want to get off!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cinnamon Posted February 15, 2013 Author Share Posted February 15, 2013 I am not making excuses,telling white lies or bending the truth to smooth things over. I didn't want to go,as its not my cup of tea,I apologised to the person who invited me, & that should be enough,in my opinion. It is them that has the issue..... Also I was going to contact her the following morning via Facebook....but she had already deleted us. I have messaged my brother saying that I hope my SIL was given the message that I unfortunately couldn't go, & have heard that she had been told,but thought that I ought to go anyhow. No sympathy for my anxiety & no respect for my reasons at all. I think that she,as a social sort,thinks everyone is like her & thinks that people like me who dread occasions & events like this should just get on with it & enjoy them. It'll be the Christening next.......... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soapdragon Posted February 15, 2013 Share Posted February 15, 2013 My idea of hell too - we can't all be social butterflies! What a kneejerk reaction on the part of your brother and SIL, maybe too many hormones rushing around! You could try, as has already been suggested, a short note saying sorry if you have offended anyone but that you really struggle under these circumstances (maybe cite the Dr's diagnosis so that they can really see that you are not being 'funny'?) and hoping they all have a lovely evening and just wishing them well. I realise that this is probably NOT what you want to do (I wouldn't either!) but it at least 'shows willing' ; should, heaven forbid, this come up again in the future, you can at least say that you did drop them a note to explain etc I am sure that things will calm down once baby has arrived and the hormones have settled; I remember being ULTRA sensitive to everything when pregnant, esp with YS.......I always listen to Classic FM and Pavarotti died when I was about 6 months gone,I spent the whole day sobbing my heart out at all the tributes etc and I HATE, HATE, HATE opera!!! .... there is a phrase along the lines of ' you can choose your freinds but not your family' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
freddie Posted February 15, 2013 Share Posted February 15, 2013 I have a Very Similar situation with one of my SIL. I couldn't care less, OH can see his brother whenever he wants, as long as I am not involvved in any way, shape or form now! I'm 50, and can choose who to spend my precious free time with!! Go On Cinnamon, stick to yr guns, and don't fret. I hate these stupid parties too.. turning into a recluse! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chickencam Posted February 15, 2013 Share Posted February 15, 2013 I would stick to your guns too, I would rather be honest and up front with people and if they don't like that then it's their loss. Life is too short to dance to the tune of others. We are an insular family too and have brought our children up to be true to themselves. It is possible to do this without being rude or inconsiderate, but there will always be people who take things in the wrong way, you can't please all of the people all of the time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
counturchickens Posted February 15, 2013 Share Posted February 15, 2013 You have my sympathy. Just to add un friending on Facebook very petty. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alis girls Posted February 15, 2013 Share Posted February 15, 2013 If you use an excuse of another engagement - remember it otherwise you could be caught out.(this from someone who can dig herself a big hole if not on the alert ) some people go to the opening of an envelope - i think they must lack summat in life. I dont like uge crowds either as my hearing isnt brillaint (too vain for an aid) and in pubs etc I switch off an appear snooty. Cant all be the same. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parsley Posted February 15, 2013 Share Posted February 15, 2013 I really sympathise with you as I too suffer with social anxiety disorder. I have mine under control now with medication but it took quite a few years to find what worked. Along the way I had huge problems with invitations, thinking up excuses etc as to why I couldn't go places, dreading the Christmas season and for quite a while not even being able to leave the house. I lost quite a few "friends" and even my parents refused to understand. However, I can now look back and realise that people who cared about me stuck with me even though they confess that they do not understand. On the surface I can come across as a vivacious person but it is a very good front Stuff those who are not tolerant, you really are better off without them in the long term. You are probably hard enough on yourself without having to be made to feel bad by other people who do not deserve your consideration as they are not showing you any. Be polite but don't feel that you have to excuse your condition. You would not apologise for having broken a leg so don't feel bad about this. Sorry for the long post but I spent years battling this until I woke up to the fact that you and your real friends are the only ones that matter. Everyone else.....It is their loss Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Looney Posted February 15, 2013 Share Posted February 15, 2013 She's clearly the one with issues. I suppose her friend could have relayed the message in a particularly bad way but even so it all seems very petty on her part Seems like she's making mountains out of molehills. I value honesty and if I invited someone to come to something I would much rather they said no thankyou, it's not my kind of thing than feel they had to make up an excuse...I have a habit of accidentally finding out when someone has lied to me and that is far more hurtful. My friends should know me well enough to be honest just as I should know them well enough to understand when they decline an invitation. Guess this doesn't work as well if you don't know the person particularly well though Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
freddie Posted February 16, 2013 Share Posted February 16, 2013 send a naff baby gift, with a sickly card, all gush and ribbon,then see what happens!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cinnamon Posted February 16, 2013 Author Share Posted February 16, 2013 Oh I fully intend to Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
majorbloodnock Posted February 16, 2013 Share Posted February 16, 2013 I have to ask a question. You're obviously now in this lady's bad books, but how much do you actually care? I can understand your not wanting to make it difficult to maintain contact with your brother, but how far backwards do you wish to bend? I'm not advocating any particular course of action, but I do think it's worth getting straight in your mind how important all this is to you. If it were me, I'd be greatly concerned to make sure I'd acted honourably, fairly and politely, but if I was satisfied with that then I'd let the rest just wash over me. Several of my friends, however, are far too family oriented to risk a falling out, so would go out of their way to make amends even though the friction wasn't of their own making. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
