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[Moonie]

Hello all, my MIL is driving me insane at the moment. I have a 15 month old son and I am very particular about him having a good diet. I cook his dinners and make sure he has fruit and veg everyday. He doesn't eat any junk food whatsoever. I really don't see the point because its bad for him and also he doesn't understand the concept of treats, I would also be nervous that he would then crave sugary food and become a fussy eater. Anyway to cut a long story short, my MIL keeps offering him biscuits, cake and i keep saying every time NO!! Then behind my back she feeds it to him, I've caught her doing this 3 times!!!! Some people may say let her get on with it, but i feel like shes not having any respect for me as his Mum. She keeps saying that she wants to look after him over night, but to be honest I'm not comfortable with it and I'm a little upset and disappointed with her. I don't have my family near by so i was hoping she would be a better support, but so far she's just annoyed me. My hub tells her no with the food too, but she still doesn't listen. Any advice would be gratefully appreciated. Thank you.

[Couperwife]

you could tell her that every time she gives him any sweet things he chucks up every where and has a funny tummy, and you are trying to find the source of his "allergy"

 

it may shock her into doing what you want.

 

 

(((hugs)))

 

cathy

x

[Moonie]

you could tell her that every time she gives him any sweet things he chucks up every where and has a funny tummy, and you are trying to find the source of his "allergy"

 

it may shock her into doing what you want.

 

 

(((hugs)))

 

cathy

x

 

Not sure she would believe me, but i could try it.

[Snowy]

I'm afraid I don't have the answer to this one, I wish I did. My mother used to do it to my oldest son (I used to give him his weetabix without sugar, mother covered it in sugar for him ) and now my OH does the same. Chocolate, sweets, cordial - if I don't have any in the house he'll go to the shop after tea and buy enormous bars of chocolate to eat before bed At least I can have a go at him, bit harder when it's your MIL, I sympathise. I just try to make sure it is balanced out by giving them plenty of fruit and veg and cleaning their teeth. So far they are not particularly fussy eaters, but do love their sweeties

 

I am most annoyed at the school at the moment - we've been asked to send them in with some small cakes for their party on Monday. Shop bought only, no home made, for food hygiene reasons! Excuse me, but why can't my son have his home made cakes with his own hens eggs? Buerocracy gone potty isn't it!

[Egluntyne]

I had this with my MIL.

 

My children were allowed sweets at specified times only . She used to give them cheap nasty sweets without my permission. (Yes...permission).

 

I asked her several times not to do it and she reluctantly agreed.

 

She came for one of her interminable visits and one afternoon I noticed that my older two smelled of chocolate and it was evident on their teeth. She had taken them up to her room and given them chocolate and had then told them not to say anything to me, and to deny it if I asked.

 

Careful questioning revealed that she had done this several times.

 

I had what is best described as a full and frank exchange of views with her and told her that if she was going to

 

1. disregard my wishes re my children

 

2. encourage them to disobey me

 

3. encourage them to lie to me

 

that she would not be welcome anymore.

 

My house, my children, my rules.

 

She reluctantly agreed but genuinely couldn't understand as she put it "what all the fuss was about" re the sweets.

 

She did acknowledge that I was right to be upset about points 2 and 3.

 

Its a generation thing.

 

Stick to your guns though.....you will lose control soon enough over what your children eat when they go to school,. its best to make sure that the early years are based on sound nutrition only.

 

You say she won't listen......perhaps if you sit down and have a serious chat with her she will. Otherwise....don't invite her, for a while at least.

 

He's your child....you call the shots.

 

Good luck.

[Couperman]

I had this with my MIL.

 

My children were allowed sweets at specified times only . She used to give them cheap nasty sweets without my permission. (Yes...permission).

 

I asked her several times not to do it and she reluctantly agreed.

 

She came for one of her interminable visits and one afternoon I noticed that my older two smelled of chocolate and it was evident on their teeth. She had taken them up to her room and given them chocolate and had then told them not to say anything to me, and to deny it if I asked.

 

Careful questioning revealed that she had done this several times.

 

I had what is best described as a full and frank exchange of views with her and told her that if she was going to

 

1. disregard my wishes re my children

 

2. encourage them to disobey me

 

3. encourage them to lie to me

 

that she would not be welcome anymore.

 

My house, my children, my rules.

 

She reluctantly agreed but genuinely couldn't understand as she put it "what all the fuss was about" re the sweets.

 

She did acknowledge that I was right to be upset about points 2 and 3.

 

Its a generation thing.

 

Stick to your guns though.....you will lose control soon enough over what your children eat when they go to school,. its best to make sure that the early years are based on sound nutrition only.

 

You say she won't listen......perhaps if you sit down and have a serious chat with her she will. Otherwise....don't invite her, for a while at least.

 

He's your child....you call the shots.

 

Good luck.

 

Well said!

 

Kev.

[Guest]

I'd suggest a frank discussion. Take charge and credit yourself with the respect you want her to give you. But emphasize that you really don't want to fall out with her, in fact you have been very pleased that she will be around to help. But you are his mother and you want to bring him up your way. Tell her you would love her help and support but things must be done the way you want them done. Hopefully she will understand and everything will be fine.

 

I decided not to put butter/,marg in sandwiches when DD1 started eating them. None of my children have ever had butter in their sandwiches. But I was quite embarrassed when they came home with tales of disgusting sandwiches eaten by their friends. "Butter AND Jam! Yuk! How weird!"

 

It is important to introduce healthy eating right from the start. If they never know any different, the habits are already established by the time they notice other things.

 

Stand your ground, but I hope you can keep it pleasant.

[sparkleeeeee]

could you get into a conversation about bad mothers, children plonked in front of the tv etc and get around to bad diets and people giving crisps, sweets and chocolate to make up for their bad parenting. she certainly wouldnt want you to think of her as a bad mother (or grandmother) and it might just do the trick. it worked for me.

good luck i have had loads of problems with my MIL , at least your children wouldnt be in danger if left with MIL (apart from tooth decay)

[Cinnamon]

Well said Egluntine - that is exactly the way to go with errant relatives

 

I once caught my step father spooning CLOTTED CREAM into my 3 year old daughters eager mouth,& was very upset by that.

 

Its a generation thing. As for as they are concerned it never did them any harm......

 

We can congratulate ourselves that we are hopefully raising a generation that is concerned about eating healthy nourishing food, & they will benefit from this in the long term.

Edited December 8, 2007 by Guest

[Popcorn]

Hi Moonie,

 

I have an 18 month old and I too am very careful with what he eats. My MIL has him one day a week while I'm at work. As she's a childminder, it works out great for us all.

 

Before I had Stefan I did notice that she would fill the children's beakers with cheap cordial and also give them sweet chocolate rolls filled with white sticky stuff - no doubt full of e-numbers and not much else.

 

It is a very tricky situation when you don't have any of your own family nearby to help out. Mine are 80 miles away. It's much easier to talk to your own parents than your parents-in-law. I think Elgluntine has given you all the best advice there. Stick to your guns - he's your son. Maybe a compromise could be reached and you could give her some of the treats you like him to have to store in her cupboards?

 

Good luck. I really do understand what you are going through. We've been through it here. A sit down chat and all was resolved. She does still give Stefan the odd thing I wouldn't give him, but it is only occasionally, so I do turn a blind eye.

[WitchHazel]

I;m not sure that a full and frank exchange will have the desired effect. I DEFINITELY think talking to her about it is the way to go, but I would suggest a slightly softer approach.

 

Before you start, think about why she is doing it. Probably, she thinks she's giving the kids a treat, it did her kids no harm, etc etc. Thinking about it fromi her POV will help arm you against her argyments.

 

Then I would sit her down and say something along the lines of "I really need to talk to you about something. I find it very difficult, so please bear with me if this comes out a bit wrong. I know that you like to give XX treats, and I appreciate that it probably didn't do any harm to your kids. The proplem for me is that I'm really keen that he doesn't grow up on lots of sugary stuff.

 

I get really upset/frustrated/cross (choose appropriate emotion) when you feed him biscuits etc after I've specifically asked you not to, because you're undermining all the work I'm trying to do in bringing him up to like a healthy diet. I'm sure you think I'm overreacting, and maybe I am, but it's not easy trying to give him a good dietary start in life - it would be SO MUCH easier if I just fed him junk food and sugar. You feeding him this stuff when I've specifically asked you not to makes me feel that you are really undermining me. How would you feel if i started criticising the way you brought up your kids?

 

I also know that you'd love to have him over night. The reason I haven't been keen on this is that I feel you don't respect what I'm trying to do, and i;m concerned that you'll be feeding him all the stuff you know I've banned.

 

I know grandmas are there to give illicit treats occasionally, and I'm happy that when he's a bit older, you do it in moderation - preferably after we've areed what sort of treat is OK.

 

I love you very much, and I'm si lucky to have you living close by. I'm really pleased that you're part of our everyday lives, and I don't want this to come between us".

 

In favtv, it might be better if you wrote it in a letter, that way you can say everythihg witghout interruption. However, get someone to read the letter first to make sure that you don't say anything in a way which could be misinterpreted.

[Clash City Rocker]

This is close to the worst thing that I've ever done, however it worked for me.

 

We had a problem with my MIL sneakily giving my daughter "Treats" when she knew that we didn't want her too. We had tried subtle hints, polite requests and frank discussions!!!! all of them worked for a short time.

 

A few years ago my FIL had a heart attack which led to him having a more sensible/controlled diet. After a particularly bad "Sneaky Treats" day at my MIL's I decided that every time I visited the "in-laws" that I would take him a huge bag of "Pick & Mix" his favourite before his heart attack. The second time I did this my MIL went balistic "are you trying to kill my husband with these treats". "Only the same as you and my daughter" came my reply. After another "Frank discussion" we've had no problems since.

 

I am aware that this is not everybody's way of dealing with problems but it worked for me.

 

clash

[Egluntyne]

I tried your approach Witch hazel. She wasn't having any.

 

I have to admit would have struggled with the "I love you very much bit!

 

Sometimes you have to draw yourself up to your full height and insist....especially when it concerns your principles and your children.

[Moonie]

Thank you everyone for your excellent advice! I will definately have a 'chat' with her and will try and do it in the softest way possible. I think the reason she does it is because of a lot deeper meaning. My hub had a very strict upbringing by his father, so the Mum would give them "Ooops, word censored!" food in order to compensate for his Dad's authority. I think she thinks they will love her if she allows them these treats. The problem was that she gave all her 4 children weight problems and were consequently bullied at school because of it. She also put her finger in her wine glass and put that in my sons mouth when he was 6 months old!!! Another problem is she looks after my SIL's daughter sometimes and she doesn't have a problem when she feeds her ice cream cones for breakfast?!?

I really try my hardest to have a harmonious life and not fall out with people but blimey some people push your patience!!

I wish my Mum was near (she lives in France) she gets excited when i tell her his favourite food is lentils!! "Such a good boy!" We're going to my folks for Christmas so it'll be a relief to not have to worry about food!!

Bizarre as it sounds it's actually reasurring to know that there are other people out there with similar problems.

[Louise]

Tell her you will send her the dental bills

[Ain't Nobody Here]

If the frank exchange of views doesn't work, perhaps you could mention (OK, lie) that a health visitor has said they could tell by his teeth that he has been eating/drinking sugary things and you've been advised to avoid them completely or he'll get tooth decay? (The last bit IS true after all.)

 

It's a bit sneaky & depends if she has any dental/medical expertise but it takes the "blame" off you .

[BeckyBoo]

Good luck my dear, I had exactly the same thing with my in-laws, they're all overweight with bad teeth becauase if you open their kitchen cupboards they're full of sweets, crisps and chocolate. It was awful I tried everything but it used to reduce me to tears thinking of them filling my children up with sugary junk when I had such high expectations of myself and their diet. Sadly as they used to look after my children twice a week I had no control over it, couldn't afford a childminder expecially when number 2 and 3 came along, and couldn't afford not to go to work. They totally disregarded everything I said, they still do when it comes to food. If any of mine falls and hurts themselves the first thing they do is get a pot of smarties or something "to make it better" Funny, I always found a cuddle and a kiss made things better. The only thing I will say if you don't win, is that because we have good eating habits at home, even though my in-laws still give them junk mine still love their veggies. In fact after a weekend with Nanny my middle daughter came home and asked for a snack - of cucumber, bread and butter, cheese and a glass of milk. Just shows how few vitamins she'd had that particular two days but I'm glad she at least has access to good food 6 days out of 7.

 

I really wish you luck, I still feel deep regret that mine weren't brought up with the diet I wanted, how bad is that? My kids and I didn't get to bring them up how I wanted?

 

Mrs Bertie

[Richard]

Tell her you will send her the dental bills

 

You beat me to it - I was just typing the same!

[Tessa the Duchess]

I have the same problem only I am the MIL Both my grandchildren are fed the most appalling diet, chips, e.numbers galore, very few veg and fresh fruit and sticky sugar filled drinks. But I can't say anything because I am not the mother When I look after my grandson twice a week he gets fresh cooked lunch with veggies, fruit for pudding, carrot sticks for snacks and if he really begs me for a biscuit he gets a cream cracker

 

I would go mad if my MIL had gone against my wishes for what my children ate when they were little. Mind you I wasn't perfect, they did get the odd choc button or pkt of crisps

 

Tessa

[Rhapsody]

I would tell your OH to sort it out with her and tell her she either respects your wishes or doesnt see the grandson.

I had the same battle with my MIL smoking around no1 son when he was tiny.

[Tina C]

Try and keep something positive for your discussion - if she wants to treat him suggest she buys him a book, stickers when he is bit older (children love stickers) or take him out for a trip to the park/feed the ducks etc.

 

And talk to you OH first to see if he can talk to her, you need him on your side really.

 

If you feel you can brave the Egluntine approach then do (fantastic if it does the trick) but be prepared for a bit of a family rift for a while.

 

By all means tell her that you would love her to have him overnight but you are worried about his diet so ask if you can supply the food.

 

There is a place for sweet stuff as treats later but he is so young.

 

Hope you get it sorted out.

[Looney]

Sounds tricky...

 

My OH's Mum lives about 4 hours drive away so I don't think I'll have to deal with this (or at least not as frequently ) when little one arrives next year. I haven't had to "square-up" to her on anything as yet but think I would try the gentle approach first - with her anyway.

 

My Mum is a dental hygienist so we always had sweet things rationed and she is a firm believer in healthy diets (veggies are cheap and we were on a strict budget) so I'm hoping that she will be fine with baby - although I expect a small amount of spoiling will happen!

 

Perhaps an "approved treats" list could be provided for your MIL so that if she decides she has to spoil them at least it is a bit healthier e.g. packet of raisins rather than choc bar....

 

Good luck

[Egluntyne]

If you feel you can brave the Egluntine approach then do (fantastic if it does the trick) but be prepared for a bit of a family rift for a while.

 

I have to stress that the "Egluntine Approach" was only taken as a last resort after much hinting and innumerable conversations about how I really would prefer it if she didn't stuff the children with sweets at every waking moment....and that a few chocolate buttons occasionally after tea would be OK as I understood that she wanted to give the children a bit of a treat now and then.

 

Despite it all....I did manage to get them all to 18 without any of them needing fillings!

 

After 18 they are on their own.

[tenzin]

Hello all, my MIL is driving me insane at the moment. I have a 15 month old son and I am very particular about him having a good diet. I cook his dinners and make sure he has fruit and veg everyday. He doesn't eat any junk food whatsoever. I really don't see the point because its bad for him and also he doesn't understand the concept of treats, I would also be nervous that he would then crave sugary food and become a fussy eater. Anyway to cut a long story short, my MIL keeps offering him biscuits, cake and i keep saying every time NO!! Then behind my back she feeds it to him, I've caught her doing this 3 times!!!! Some people may say let her get on with it, but i feel like shes not having any respect for me as his Mum. She keeps saying that she wants to look after him over night, but to be honest I'm not comfortable with it and I'm a little upset and disappointed with her. I don't have my family near by so i was hoping she would be a better support, but so far she's just annoyed me. My hub tells her no with the food too, but she still doesn't listen. Any advice would be gratefully appreciated. Thank you.

 

Straight talking !!!!

 

You need to be very clear and treat her like a child with clear instructions cause she's disrepecting you ..

 

Mother in laws

 

I admire your stance about " NO sweeties , little ones don't neecd them and there of no nutrition value , STICK TO YOUR GUNS AND BE ASSERTIVE

[Moonie]

Great advice everyone

Oy mother in law NO!!

I will be taking a lot of your advice on board and it's nice to know that i'm not being petty and you agree that what's she's doing is wrong. So BIG thank you's!!