Smart Door Power Options

[kitchens]

Then the kids end up like my SIL who is a lovely lovely girl but she's 27, has her breakfast in bed every morning AND on New Years Eve called her parents at 3.30am drunk as a skunk to as them if they will come and pick her up because she couldn't get a taxi. I would never never never have done that. My dad would have flipped a gasket!

[Alis girls]

My eldest is a joy compared to 8 yr old son who is a teen in 8yr clothing. i am dreading teenage yrs with him. my friends tell me hes lovely and so does his teacher. I did ask if she had the right child he can be lovely just not to me. hes better with his dad. I dread anything happening to OH as YS would go off rails big time. I love him but soemtimes I despair and get really amd with him. I have given him a smack before now - not proud of myself but was pushed.

[Cinnamon]

One thing I can see from reading all the replies here is that none of us are blinkered about our chilrens behaviour,& that is a very good thing.

 

I love my girls to bits,& they are truly great friends of mine,but I know their faults & shortcomings.

 

One friend of mine in particular has a daughter of 16,& you would think this child had wings & a halo,the way her mum goes on about her

My girls have told me some stuff about this blue-eyed child that shocked even me

 

I can't bear it when parents make out their children are perfect & let them do whatever they want,because they are so,so,so good

[Busybird]

Parenting is such a huge challenge - the responsibility is scary. However, we need to allow ourselves to enjoy our children or they will see us as very glum wrinklies and strive to get away from us. I know that my mum loved and did her best for me but she was always trying to make me the way she wanted me to be. From the age of 14, my main goal in life was to leave home - preferably moving far way. I achieved this and now only make 'duty' visits which are few and far between. We get on okay but are not close.

 

With my own kids I am not afraid to say no and do not change my mind. If they whine or pester they are less likely to get their way. However, I give them lots of trust and responsibility and try to talk openly and honestly with them about everything.

 

I was criticised by other parents for letting my 11 year old daughter get too and from school on her own (a 4 mile journey involving a walk across an unlit field, paths and a wait for a public bus, often alone, on a busy road). I am happier now that she does it with her younger brother but I knew that she could cope and she wanted to do it.

 

My kids are very far from perfect but they are okay and we are doing our best. Looking at their friends I worry more about the 'helicopter' parents than the one's who let their kids run wild. How will the pampered kids cope when mummy can't step in to tell the nasty boss not to speak to them like that? However, we live in an affluent, rural area so even the wild kids are not that wild.

 

Of course I still have the truly challenging years ahead of me. DD turns 13 later this month...

[majorbloodnock]

Majorbloodnock you write with an great understanding of the world.

 

Ha! I wish.

 

I'm aware I've a reasonable command of the English language, I'm aware I can speak or write persuasively and I'm aware that I think I know what I'm blathering on about, but I wouldn't go so far as to presume I really understand. I do my best and am usually successful in avoiding the obvious mistakes, but the flip side to that is that when I do fall down it's spectacular.

[Happy chickens!]

Ooh, MBN

when I do fall down it's spectacular.

without going off topic, more info required here....

[henriette]

We eat together every night,

 

We always had at least one meal a day together. Sometimes there would be discussions, sometimes fairly heavy arguments, but in general, there was lots of good humour and general chat. It also gave me the opportunity to make sure that all three children developped fairly good table manners!

I was quite strict with my little herd. I was never worried about sticking to my guns if I really thought I was right despite pleas of "oh, but everyone else is allowed to", but there were occasions when they put forward an exceptionally good argument and I perhaps changed my mind. On the other hand, sometimes I warned them that if they continued behaving badly they would not be able to do something they wanted and I would carry that through, even if it hurt me deep down.

No parent is perfect, no child is perfect. Human beings aren't perfect. We all push the sides of the envelope, but I think that perhaps most of us feel happy knowing there are boundaries - especially children.

[Tiggy]

I agree with having the balance between being strict enough for children to know their boundries but not so strict you seem like an orgre. None of us are perfect and parenting is the most difficult job in the world, although as a step parent I've found it to be fun too

[C&T]

I am not a parent, but am involved in a youth group. We have always said the children are great - and it's the parents that are the hard work!

 

But anyway, over the years have seen many different attitudes from parents. And the worst one (in my eyes) has always been the "my son can do no wrong" attitude. It seems that this attitude has the biggest effect on the child from a young age

 

There are very few real sly or manipulative or even plain nasty 6 or 7 year olds around - the vast majority are pleasant enough (if not a little demanding!) at this age at least! But the very few that are, seem invariably to be the unfortunate offspring from this type of parent. They know no boundaries, they know that if anyone complains to their parents about them their parents will back them up. They have never known what it is to be in trouble, and have never learnt about consequence.

 

I feel sad for them. Life is going to deal them a massive blow when they are older, and it won't really be their fault.

[laurmurf]

Tricky one..

If a parent tells a child to do something, and they say 'no', surely it's easier for the parent to accept that, rather than to keep going on about it until the task is finally completed?

 

 

the problem with parents accepting a 'no' is that it teaches the child (anything up to age 18 in my book) that refusal is the easy way forward and is a win:lose situation. If the request/requirement was appropriate in the first place then a refusal isn't, don't you think?

 

I'm one of the ones who goes on about it until the task is completed!

[The Dogmother]

Me too Laurie

 

I'm a firm believer in nothing in life being free; Rosie has a scale of pocket money, with a basic amount that can be built on by doing extra chores, that sort of bribery sure works for her!

[majorbloodnock]

Tricky one..

If a parent tells a child to do something, and they say 'no', surely it's easier for the parent to accept that, rather than to keep going on about it until the task is finally completed?

 

 

Yes, at least in the short run, it is easier for the parent to back down. However, easier isn't necessarily better. I can see several problems within your scenario, so may I ask a few questions? Even something as simple as your example is good for demonstrating how complex parenting can become.

 

Firstly, is it necessary for the parent to tell the child to perform the task? If the task is "stop hitting your brother", then yes, since it's a line drawn, backed up with a threat of greater force. If the task is "lay the table", then it's far more appropriate to phrase it as a request, with a "please" in there somewhere, otherwise it's just another bit of ill-mannered bullying.

 

Secondly, is the task necessary to perform? I've been cheeky before now, asking my son to take my plate out to the kitchen so I don't have to move. Usually he does it, but if he says, "no", then I have to recognise I've no right to enforce it; after all, why should he compensate for my laziness?

 

Thirdly, why should the scenario simply be a "do it/no/oh, ok then" vs "do it/no/I said do it" confrontation? After the initial disagreement, an explanation of the consequences can be far more effective ("Could you lay the table, please?" / "No" / "OK, I'll lay the table then, except for your place. I'll dish up for everyone else and you can make your own dinner. Or you can help out, lay the table and eat this evening. Your choice")

[Cinnamon]

Frankly,if my girls said no to me in a really blunt way & with no very good reason I would be both gobsmacked & livid

 

That is not the way I have brought them up.

 

I am always open to discussion if they feel that I have asked too much of them ,& they know darn well that I will give the same answer next time they want a lift to a boyfriends house too

 

its all about give & take in our house & no-one takes without doing their fair share of giving too

[BarbaraJ]

I also think you write very eloquently Mr MBN

 

I have strived really hard to do the right thing. My husband comes from a strict but very loving home, he is one of 6 kids and i'm unsure it worked for all of them but for him it did.

I came from old parents very strict (my mum was a school head) but i was never told i was loved so have to presume it and had no respect only fear.

My kids i really tried hard to be strict but fair and told them i loved them every day, talked to them and worked on trust from them to get respect from us and visa versa. I did wonder when they were teens if I was getting it right. Hubby was much more confident but he had experience to work on where as i didn't.

I have 2 kids at home 18 and 20 ( both working and studying ) and my oldest in Aus for a year who tells her siblings after having a tight for money few months in Aus, 'to never leave home you don't know how easy you have it'

I'm just getting to the stage where i think i've done OK they respect me, they say they are more scared of their dad, thats ok lol and am so pleased they don't feel the way i did and desperate to leave home because they are unhappy, now i probably will never get rid of them, hmm! they do make good chicken sitters though

 

oh and unless in gest(sp?) like when you say about taking the plate out, when they would probably come back and do it my kids didnt say 'no' , whinge probably i would have been livid

[Looney]

I'm hoping that I'm growing into an ok parent... time will tell but I'm learning on the job as I guess every parent does!

 

My parents were really strict with me and never entered into discussion or explanation, no meant no, but no reason was required in their eyes. I remember pleading to discuss things but to no avail. My parents also always assumed the worst where I was concerned, not sure why as I got good grades and was never in trouble. I remember being soooo frustrated that I was supposed to be responsible and act like an adult for things like school, cleaning, cooking etc but couldn't, not for lack of trying, enter into any kind of discussion about my wishes, boundaries, why I wasn't allowed to do things. So, I rebelled! I did what I wanted, being careful to never tell my parents anything. I did lots of things, made mistakes, learnt from them, but all on my own with no support from parents which I think is quite sad.

[Chucky Mama]

Oh goodness, don't get me onto this subject, I will go on all night. Just wanted to say that is heartening to hear that I am not the only one parenting who is not afraid to stand up and be an adult. Sometimes I think that I am the only one. I don't want my children to be the only ones with manner, morals and respect. Parenting and having to say no doesn't stop your children loving you. It does take time and effort but so does everything that is worthwhile.

[Lewis]

Its quite interesting to read this from a child's pov, I get on well with the parentals most of the time ... we do sometimes disagree but always forget it the next day

 

 

I do think its a good thing for kids to learn some things on their own without just being told ... the getting drunk example ... yes I (and most of my friends) have done it

I didn't feel bad (ill) the next day, but bad about the people having to look after me I did learn a lesson and do still drink, but now know when to stop so I think that made me a bit more sensible

Other friends who weren't allowed to drink did at parties all the time just to be rebellious more than anything, I think.

 

Most things I want, I'll save up and buy it myself, or wait until christmas/birthday so not really have a no like that, but then they will say no to dinner chickens which is a different thing as I don't see it as 'material' (I can still nag because in reality thats because mother doesn't like the idea )

I know if I asked for a tattoo/piercing or a motorbike it would be a no and would listen ... but I can understand why not with those, hate the things anyway so would never ask

 

Mother does the 'can you ......' all the time most of the time I will, but other times "Mother :roll:" works .

[Valkyrie]

Erm, after Lewis's post should I be writing this?

You remember what I said about Sadie the Painted Lady? Well she has booked an appointment the day after her birthday. Minx. It is to be a little dove with an olive branch (rather cute really). After Murray spluttering and saying it should be unseen and on her bum or shoulder underneath all her clothes, she said there's no point if she couldn't see it herself, and will have it on her wrist and can be covered by a watch. Divers watch methinks! Me, I'd love to have a clipper ship (the Cutty Sark), but I'm getting too old - plus if I lose weight it would look like it's capsizing.

The best thing is that people say how likeable and well mannered my 2 are when they are away from this environment (apart from Erin pretending to fall down the stairs in the shopping mall in Basingstoke attention seeker). Even if they don't show any manners here (and get told off for it) as long as they give a good impression and behave well towards others that's my job done - everything else will fall into place eventually.

[A chickychickychick-ENN!!]

I am visualising that Lewis!

[Redwing]

Sadly Scramble when you are at work and your boss asks you to do something saying a blunt no will get you fired!

 

Your parents are trying to teach you that now - hard though it may be!

[patsylabrador]

There is also a massive difference between good kids that mess up, everyone is allowed to make mistakes and those kids who simply have no boundaries and don't recognise that society itself sets boundaries. For some the very first time they hear the word no is in custody with a stranger by their side because their parents are too lazy to deal with them. I feel a little sorry for them whereas I loathe spoilt kids from well heeled areas who think it's their right to rebel. They should read a bit of history and learn what responsibilities young people used to have to take on. I was never rude to adults and I never demanded anything, I was brought up to work for my priviliges and so should they.

[Tiggy]

I also think you write very eloquently Mr MBN

 

I have strived really hard to do the right thing. My husband comes from a strict but very loving home, he is one of 6 kids and i'm unsure it worked for all of them but for him it did.

I came from old parents very strict (my mum was a school head) but i was never told i was loved so have to presume it and had no respect only fear.

 

this sounds very familiar all 4 of us girls did as we were told through fear of a good smack accross the face if we had the wrong expression let alone be defiant in any way. It taught us fear but not respect, it ment that my parents never had to deal with children that did not do as they were told when they were told & never answered back. It was the opposite end of giving in for an easy life, hopefully most of us are more enlightened these days. I'll let you know when I get out of counselling :

[Seagazer]

I also think you write very eloquently Mr MBN

 

I have strived really hard to do the right thing. My husband comes from a strict but very loving home, he is one of 6 kids and i'm unsure it worked for all of them but for him it did.

I came from old parents very strict (my mum was a school head) but i was never told i was loved so have to presume it and had no respect only fear.

 

this sounds very familiar all 4 of us girls did as we were told through fear of a good smack accross the face if we had the wrong expression let alone be defiant in any way. It taught us fear but not respect, it ment that my parents never had to deal with children that did not do as they were told when they were told & never answered back. It was the opposite end of giving in for an easy life, hopefully most of us are more enlightened these days. I'll let you know when I get out of counselling :

 

Gosh Tiggy that sounds like a tough upbringing. You seem to have managed to get past it ok.

[Tiggy]

I also think you write very eloquently Mr MBN

 

I have strived really hard to do the right thing. My husband comes from a strict but very loving home, he is one of 6 kids and i'm unsure it worked for all of them but for him it did.

I came from old parents very strict (my mum was a school head) but i was never told i was loved so have to presume it and had no respect only fear.

 

this sounds very familiar all 4 of us girls did as we were told through fear of a good smack accross the face if we had the wrong expression let alone be defiant in any way. It taught us fear but not respect, it ment that my parents never had to deal with children that did not do as they were told when they were told & never answered back. It was the opposite end of giving in for an easy life, hopefully most of us are more enlightened these days. I'll let you know when I get out of counselling :

 

Gosh Tiggy that sounds like a tough upbringing. You seem to have managed to get past it ok.

 

 

All of us were pretty much in the same boat back then, I escaped the convent school thank goodness, I think that many of our parents did not & parenting skills were learnt from the Christian brothers & sisters, who shall we say had some very odd ideas about bringing up/disaplining children

[henriette]

I escaped the convent school thank goodness,

I went to a convent school in Barnet for 10 years!! Actually, it wasn't too bad. However, discipline was high on the agenda, but then so was being kind and considerate to each other. Boarding school in Bedfordshire was a million times worse. More like a prison camp.