Busybird Posted January 21, 2010 Share Posted January 21, 2010 I would be intrested to hear views on this. My 13 year old daughter has been invited to a party to be hosted by a boy in her school year. We have known his family for years. They are lovely but believe their son can do no wrong. He is 'in' with the very cool set at school and this matters a lot to him. I know from others that he has been going to young teenage parties where alcohol has been brought along. From things that he has said and done I suspect that he has partaken of what was on offer. His party will be held in a room his parents built for their children above their large garage. This is separate from the house so, although adults will be close by, they will not be at the party. I am uncomfortable with my daughter going but recognise that, at some point, I will have to let her go to events like this and just trust her not to be silly. It may well be an innocent gathering of young teenagers and I may be looking for issues that are not yet there. Should I follow my instincts and not let her go or trust her to be sensible and hope that I am worrying about nothing? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluekarin Posted January 21, 2010 Share Posted January 21, 2010 I'm afraid I have nothing to suggest to you, but as a mum of an almost 13 year old girl, I'd be very interested in hearing what everyone has to say. My gut would say, don't let her go, but my head would say you were 13 once, how would you feel if all your friends were allowed and you weren't? I think at some point you have to trust your daughter, and maybe this is where that trust begins. I'm sure she knows not to do anything she wouldn't be comfortable with. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kitchens Posted January 21, 2010 Share Posted January 21, 2010 I was about 15 when I went to my first proper party where older people where also present and so alcohol was too (am 39 now so it was a while ago!!). I knew not to drink and tbh at that age I wasn't that fussed about alcohol and it held no allure for me. However, I respected that my parents would have gone bonkers if i'd have come home drunk. I had to be back home by 11 ish (everone else stayed much later) because my parents generally went to bed early. Perhaps it's time to trust her. Let her go an see what happens. If the parents are on the premises then I can't see her coming to any harm. If you know the parents, perhaps give them a call. My nextdoor neighbour's boy has just started to go out to parties etc and I know all of the parents are in contact and he knows ... any trouble and he won't go again! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Dogmother Posted January 21, 2010 Share Posted January 21, 2010 I tough call really, at that age, you want to give them some independence so that they learn to think for themselves and understand the restrictions you apply. At that age though, I'd expect the parents of the host to be at least popping in to check on proceedings on a regular basis. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poachedegg Posted January 21, 2010 Share Posted January 21, 2010 As a Mum to 2 teenagers (almost 16 and 18), my advce would be to always go with your instinct....it has served me well and we have it for a reason! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rhapsody Posted January 21, 2010 Share Posted January 21, 2010 We've just come through this as parents of boys now 17 and 15. The younger isnt really bothered about alchohol and as an Aspergic kid doesnt go to a lot of parties anyway. The elder is more sociable, both have been allowed alcohol at home since they were about 12 or 13 with us of an evening in moderation. The rule we had with elder was "Go to the party and have a good time, if you come back incapable or embarrass us you will be grounded for 6 months with no allowance." That way he was made responsible for his own behaviour and knew the penalty. It worked for us now he has his own car he's too worried about losing his license and wheels! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alis girls Posted January 21, 2010 Share Posted January 21, 2010 ES went to such a party at 13 but there was no alcohol and I gatecrashed to make sure there were some adults on hand much to his disgust. I was shown the door by ES and said loudly " just wanted to see what time it finished" to which he said not fooled " YOU KNOW when it finsihes" I blamed my age for my forgetfulness All was well came back safe, sound and sober. Thankfully sons friends parents bar one are as respnonsible. I dont know what to advise. Go with your instinct and be if you need more info on whereabouts of adults - get it. Good luck Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clootie Posted January 21, 2010 Share Posted January 21, 2010 I guess you have to go with what feels right. There has to be an element of trust involved. You know your own child and it may make her feel more responsible and mature if you allowed her the freedom to go to this party but leave her in no doubt about your feelings re under age drinking. I'm sure the parents will be keeping a close eye on things and may even have installed cctv cameras especially for the occasion. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chucky Mama Posted January 21, 2010 Share Posted January 21, 2010 My son was invited to a party when he was about the same age. It was on a common in a big tent. It was unclear as to the level of parental involvement He came to me and told me that there would be people smuggling drink into the party and whilst he wasn't interested in drinking, he wanted me to know. I didn't want him to go but felt that by stopping him I was saying that I didn't trust him. I told him that he could go and that I trusted him to make sensible decisions and to stay away from those who were inclined to be silly. 1 hour before the party he came and said that he had decided that he didn't want to go I think that you have to trust in the way that you have bought up your daughter. Talk to her before she goes if you choose to let her and say that whilst you are worried about other children drinking that you trust her....then keep your fingers crossed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feemcg Posted January 21, 2010 Share Posted January 21, 2010 My eldest, now 19, started drinking alcohol with friends when she was 14 (I just asked her) and I don't remember any occasion when she came in looking or sounding drunk (she says she knew her limits and never wanted to get trashed like some of the other girls). Ske only occasionally goes out now and drinks too much (being on a limited student budget), and hates feeling hungover. I don't worry about her 'drinking habits'.....she studies hard and enjoys going to parties/clubs at weekends. Middle daughter, 16, doesn't like alcohol, thankfully!! A few weeks ago I was out with my friend and she got a call from her 13 year old daughter's friend's mother........would she come and remove her almost unconscious daughter from her bathroom. We went round in a taxi and carried the very drunk girl to the car and home to bed.......my friend wasn't embarrassed or angry or anything.....just said she hoped her daughter had learned a lesson .....I'd have been mortified! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lewis Posted January 21, 2010 Share Posted January 21, 2010 I'd tell her you're a bit worried about her going end explain, but to let her decide. That way she knows you don't want her to go, but you're letting her go as long as she doesn't drink too much and is sensible. Maybe say she needs to be picked up before a certain time. If you know her, could you phone his mom just to ask what they're planning Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laurmurf Posted January 21, 2010 Share Posted January 21, 2010 my answer would be No - at 13 an unsupervised party would be unacceptable to me. 13 year olds are children - just bigger children - and they need boundaries. If adults aren't there then no one is around to provide those boundaries.. That is particularly true of boys, who knows what they would get up to : there is plenty of time to go to these sort of parties when they're older. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
craftyhunnypie Posted January 21, 2010 Share Posted January 21, 2010 Put it this way - she will experience alcohol at some point - even if she doesn't go any parties. I think she would respect you more if you trust her & let her go. Have a little talk to her about your concerns & say that you're letting her go because you trust her & that you don't want her to let you down. Tell her to have a nice time, be safe, be careful, enjoy & you'll expect a detailed run down of the party the next day! I think she will thank you for it. If she gets drunk & ill - then it's a lesson in life ! Emma.x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Egluntyne Posted January 21, 2010 Share Posted January 21, 2010 I'd say follow your instincts. It isn't as if there won't be other parties later on. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Valkyrie Posted January 21, 2010 Share Posted January 21, 2010 I would be quite concerned - things can get very boisterous while they are not grown up, yet not babies either and sometimes they forget. If booze is sneaked in, then it will only add to a situation. But then again out of the few daft ones there are a lot more sensible youngsters so I would have a word with the parents to double check they will be monitoring sensibly - if anything goes wrong they would be responsible for the welfare of the children at their home after all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
debbier Posted January 21, 2010 Share Posted January 21, 2010 I'd let my daughter go (and have, in the past) but it depends on the individuals concerned. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Patricia W Posted January 21, 2010 Share Posted January 21, 2010 Having been through this 4 times - I'd say follow your instincts. I think 13 is too young for an unsupervised party and alcohol is a no no. I wonder how many of the other parents know what is planned? Might be worth contacting a few- and the parents hosting the party. . Tricia Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Busybird Posted January 22, 2010 Author Share Posted January 22, 2010 Thank you for all your replies - they have made interesting reading I don't believe that I would get a good reaction from the boys parents. Although I know them well they truly believe that their son would do no wrong. If I suggested that alcohol may be brought in to the party they would likely be offended - shoot the messenger and take no action. Their son is an intelligent boy and well mannered amongst adults. However, his 'cool' image is very important to him - hence my concern that if his friends brought alcohol he would allow it rather than risk appearing a kill joy. I took the advice given here and talked through my concerns with my daughter. She said some interesting things - about how she is well aware that other children in her year have tried alcohol and smoking amongst other things. She pointed out that this sort of thing is as likely to happen after school as at a party However, she didn't seem too worried about whether she went to this particular party or not so told me that if I prefered she would just not go I think I have probably just delayed the issue but for now I feel relieved. She also asked if she could have a party for her friends I think maybe she has taken advantage here but hey, ho - at least I can supervise in my own home Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chucky Mama Posted January 22, 2010 Share Posted January 22, 2010 A good result I'd say all told. I agree with her that drinking is as likely to happen after school. Some chidren smuggle booze onto the school bus and drink before or after school. This doesn't mean that the others will join in though. Believe me if your children want to take drugs, smoke or drink they will know exactly who to go to at school to get supplies. It doesn't matter how good a school your children go to. This doesn't mean that your children will go to them for supplies or that these people will persuade your children to take things but they are there non the less. You just have to do what you can to educate, enpower, love and trust them to make the right choices. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lewis Posted January 22, 2010 Share Posted January 22, 2010 A good result I'd say all told. I agree with her that drinking is as likely to happen after school. Some chidren smuggle booze onto the school bus and drink before or after school. This doesn't mean that the others will join in though. Believe me if your children want to take drugs, smoke or drink they will know exactly who to go to at school to get supplies. It doesn't matter how good a school your children go to. This doesn't mean that your children will go to them for supplies or that these people will persuade your children to take things but they are there non the less. You just have to do what you can to educate, enpower, love and trust them to make the right choices. If anything (at least around here) the 'better' schools are less strict as they don't think they'll have a problem. At private school by us its quite bad with the drinking and drugs! - They (or daddy) can afford to buy it all too There are people who smoke/take drugs from school - a couple of years ago school found out and because the people were in uniform they were expelled. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sheilaz Posted January 23, 2010 Share Posted January 23, 2010 ....However, she didn't seem too worried about whether she went to this particular party or not so told me that if I prefered she would just not go I think I have probably just delayed the issue but for now I feel relieved.... Something else that has arisen with mine at this age is when they actually want us to set the boundary for them. If YD is invited to something she feels unsure about, she'll frame asking me in such a way that she isn't really asking to go at all. She can then say "Sorry, I can't come, I'm not allowed" without losing face by saying "no, I'm uncomfortable about that party/film etc". Pleased this has turned out well for you both. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chucky Mama Posted January 24, 2010 Share Posted January 24, 2010 Something else that has arisen with mine at this age is when they actually want us to set the boundary for them. If YD is invited to something she feels unsure about, she'll frame asking me in such a way that she isn't really asking to go at all. She can then say "Sorry, I can't come, I'm not allowed" without losing face by saying "no, I'm uncomfortable about that party/film etc". I absolutely agree, it often comes as a relief to be stopped from doing things that they don't really want to do. DD had a call asking if she wanted to do something on Friday, she covered the phone and asked me to say she couldn't go Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Dogmother Posted January 24, 2010 Share Posted January 24, 2010 I've had an example of this this weekend; Rosie told me that some of her (older) friends are going to see St Trinians today and asked if she could go. As it's a 12 certificate and she's still just 11, I said that she could only go if an adult was going too - I was told that S's parents were taking them. I was happy for her to go in those circumstances provided that I met S's folks when I dropped Rosie off at the cinema and it was clear that they were staying to see the film. It now turns out that no adults are going, so I have withdrawn my approval and she's flounced off sulking She'll settle down soon and realise that I was right - it'd be illegal for her to attend without an adult there, she didn't want me to go with them. All her friends are already 12 years old. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
