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[Guest]

Where to start - well I've been here rather infrequently since my last online meltdown before Christmas. I went away determined to have a good time and try and snap myself out of the depression that work was sending me in to. I did have a great time, despite being flat broke and trying my dardest not to spend an unessacary penny whilst on holiday. I also met a man and found a way past my hang ups about my post diet body - he encouraged me to think positively about that and look forward to the surgery I have planned. I came back relaxed and happy.

 

Then I jetted away for a weekend with the man from the holiday (long story but he was a tax exile and we had been rather well chaperoned on holiday by our children!) Less than a week later - despite my happy feelings and the fact I was so up I'd even been singing in the corridor I walked out of a lesson with my appauling year 10 class. For once they were dealt with appropriately and I felt supported for a little while. But I was shocked to the core that I'd ended up doing that and feeling that bad WHEN I WAS HAPPY. I took a few days out and flew out to meet the man (in yet another location but at least sunny this time!) during which I took stock, had a meltdown and totally ruined that relationship! I flew home early and saw the doctor the next day to start on anti depressants. I was still feeling dire about work but I was positive about myself funnily so I also tried online dating - had 3 dates one weekend!

 

My personal life was amazing - many of you know from Facebook, I met a man and we were practically living together within a month, in fact there was no practically about it - he's now rented his house out and moved in all his furniture and we are blissfully happy and totally loved up. He adores me, supports me and would do anything for me. I'm amazed that I have been lucky enough to find him.

 

The anti depressants have made it easier to face work but not always. The discipline continues to spiral downhill in one particular year group, I am constantly subjected to abuse and I feel like there is no support outside the staffroom from SLT whilst they also expect us to continually improve our target for A-C grades for FOUR GCSE's in 3 hours a week. Last year we actually got 96% through. This year I'm looking at 97% in my classes and next year comes that horrible year group and I think I'm looking at about 60%. I've looked for another position and not found one. I want to go back to the school I trained in and I've been promised a call from the head when something comes up next year (she is certain it will). Meanwhile I can't face another year of abuse, pressure and unrealistic expectations.

 

After feedback from an observation when I actually had a meltdown and ended up in tears (not because the feedback was bad but because he brought up the abysmal marks for the year 10's and I feel I am letting down a number of kids who I can't teach for dealing with the behaviour of the idiots). I spoke to my Mum and my lovely partner and they both encouraged me to quit. I wrestled with that for days and put my notice in. Not one word about that was said until I bumped into the head in the corridor today and he asked if I had another job. Only because he couldn't avoid talking to me as he had to hold the door open. I've been feeling extremely positive about this all week.

 

Today I visited my old school, saw some of my old chums and ended up unbelievably down. I would love to be back there, I don't have a job for September, I have bills I will be struggling to pay (I can take a loan from my partner, he has the cash in his deposit account and is happy to lend it). I love teaching, I love planning, writing resources - in fact by the time I leave my department will be totally sorted for next year - I'm sitting and doing all the planning now! I just feel so down after visiting the other school that I can't stop crying. At the moment it's only me and DS here and I'm sat at the computer (which now has a 37" screen - we had to use my partners TV somewhere!) and I'm feeling too sorry for myself.

 

I'd just like some good vibes to keep me positive and push me back into the though that I will find SOMETHING to earn money in September - I do have my little business but that tails off after the summer. As do the hen parties. Even the Eglu hires! I can manage on 3 days supply a week - or marking - moderating, anything really but right now it all seems impossible and like I've made another massive mistake. See I told you all it was long!

[DebC]

If you are in a job that is making you feel that bad it's not a mistake to quit. We spend a lot of time at work, you have to like being there! I have a friend who was in your position and left teaching 6 years ago. She does not regret it. I know you don't want to leave teaching, but you will find a job, and you'll feel better able to cope.

[Lewis]

Don't know what to say but

 

Could you supply through an agency ... or for your old school?

A big decision to make but sounds like it had to be done. Doesn't sound very good (or even professional?) for the head to not have spoken to you.

 

Hope you get something sorted before Sept

[Charlottechicken]

Peng, so sorry to read this, and that you are feeling so down. Don't be hard on yourself, you've been through a lot and acheived so much in the past few years maybe this is your body's way of slowing you down a bit? Maybe this depression has been surpressed by other feelings so far and has only just surfaced as you begin to relax. I've heard that depression is often likely to strike when you should be happy, so it isn't just you. I used to feel 'down' on holiday, and in the sun, and long for the dark and cold winter nights which everyone else hated.

 

You are such a strong woman, and so incredibly capable, I have no doubt that you will deal with this depression and overcome it, just like you have done with all the other obstacles which have been thrown in your path. Thank goodness you have this lovely man to lean on for now. And you need to do just that. It sounds like you have done the right thing by quitting, that job was only pulling you down and if you weren't getting the right support, why continue to take the abuse?

 

I know you will find another job,

 

Take care

[Willow]

Glad you've decided to walk away from the horrible position you were in. You mustn't look on that as a failure, you did the best that could be done and it just wasn't a fixable problem. Making the decision to leave is a positive move. It's sad for the able children left in that year group but you can't fix that.

 

It sounds like one of the things worrying you is earning until a position in your old school comes up. Have you considered 11+ tutoring ? good tutors are like good dust and locally to me the charge is £40 for 45min of course there's prep time for each session so there's overheads. I tutored my two boys myself for the 11+ and in the process learnt a lot about what resources are available to back up a tutor. PM me if you want a chat about it as a possibility. (Edited to add Obviously I'm not trying to sell anything just someone with a little experience of tutoring that you know to talk to).

 

Shame about the relationship over Christmas but great you have someone else who values you.

 

Hope you're feeling better soon and well done for going asking the doctor for help.

Edited June 9, 2010 by Guest

[Goosey Lucy]

Hi Pengy, I've no advice to give as others have said everything I can think of. Hope things improve for you soon x

[Looney]

Blimey Pengy! You've had a lot going on and a hell of a lot to cope with. Some good, some great and some really, really rubbish stuff by the sounds of it. Hang on to the positives, you have good, loving people around you because they are a reflection on you and you deserve them.

 

I don't think you've done the wrong thing by leaving your old job. It's not worth it, especially if it brings everything else down. The right job will come up and in the meantime I hope you can make ends meet. Sending you lots of hugs and positive vibes xxxxxxxxxxx

[Chucky Mama]

Sending positive vibes Pengy It is possible to pick up some work doing private tuition? There is quite a call for it around her for children struggling & prep for those trying to pass entrance exams into private schools from state primaries.

[Snowy]

Aw Pengy - sounds to me like the depression is getting the better of you. It is an illness and doesn't always go away once the pressure is off. Maybe you need to go back to your GP for a meds review and possibly request some counselling. It's not you - it's the illness! (((hugs)))

[chickencam]

Sorry to hear about how you are feeling. I will send as many positive vibes as I can muster.

 

It sounds like you need to take the summer and the small income projects which you enjoy, to relax and give yourself time to recover. the idea of private turoring sound like a good one. There are loads of busy parents out there who would like extra help for their children and are happy to pay for it. We have tutored out 3 children ourselves for the 11+, but it has been time consuming. Ultimately rewarding for us and if we hadn't been able to give them the time we would have been happy to pay someone else, as many more people in our area do. Late summer is an excellent time to do this with most grammar school entry exams being in November.

 

Good luck and I hope things look up for you soon, take care.

[Valkyrie]

Cor, what a gamut of emotions Pengy! I'm happy your new man is nice. With regard to work - how about private tutoring - it will bring in pennies plus times are on your terms?

[Guest]

Its funny you should all mention tutoring - my friend has set up a company that does tutoring and has done VERY well from it. I have considered working for her but as a last resort - the hours just don't suit - her tutors work before school, after school and at weekends and those are the times I spend with James. I'm on the one to one tutor list to go into schools and do tutoring.

 

Trouble is I'm lost - I'm planning like mad for a year I'm not going to teach. I don't want to be not teaching. We had another awful meeting today and I had a bit of a row with the head when I dared to suggest that one child should NOT be getting the 4 gcse's from me, the lsa does all his work as he can barely read and write! Seriously he reads and writes at about the same level as my 8 year old - who is behind! I think I'm wavering now, not that anyone even vaguely important has said I should stay.

[Tiggy]

oh Peng I cant offer any more advice than others here have, Im not a teacher but can sympathise with you, I have also in the past walked away from a job i love because of horible people (adults this time ) and I didnt know how I would cope, but life is a funny thing, I now work in a lovely practice. Chin up gal.

[Lesley]

oh Peng I cant offer any more advice than others here have, Im not a teacher but can sympathise with you, I have also in the past walked away from a job i love because of horible people (adults this time ) and I didnt know how I would cope, but life is a funny thing, I now work in a lovely practice. Chin up gal.

 

I also had to walk away from a job - I knew after 2 days that I'd made a big mistake and stayed just 2 weeks. I was a single parent to two, one at secondary school and one at college. It was the scariest thing I'd ever done but it turned out to be the best. I'd also not long met Carl and he was a great support to me and I'm sure you'll have support from the new man in your life.

 

Tutoring may be difficult hours but Home Ed parents often need help with specialist subjects, would that be worth looking at? That would be more normal hours.

[craftyhunnypie]

Sometimes you have to walk away to keep your sanity! At the time it seems like you'll never get through it, but trust me you do & it really is for the best!

I hope you are feeling ok today - such a shame to see such a lovely person so upset.

Hugs

Emma.x

[BeckyBoo]

You'll get through it Pengy, you will. And don't waver, your heart told you to leave, nothing will change there if you stay and you'll end up becoming more ill.

Take some time out, try not to worry for a few days and give yourself time to breathe. No one should have to put up with that sort of behaviour in the workplace, I feel sorry that you had to AND for the other students who are, no doubt, trying to get an education! You should have been more supported by the head.

 

But anyway, look, you thought you'd "ruined" a good relationship, but if you hadn't you wouldn't have met your new man Things happen for a reason - a far better opportunity is out there, just waiting for you to be in the right place to take it.

 

Lots and lots of luck and love missus

 

BeckyBoo

[Alis girls]

Well done for geting out. I've done it myself in the past. Could you home tutor. Kids always need help and you could pick choose when to work etc. good luck and lots of hugs

[Valkyrie]

I agree with the home ed bit, Lesley. There have been quite a few parents who have pulled their children out of school because the system refuses to stop the bullying. There were a couple in Erin's year. I would have done the same if I had the ability - so there must be a few parents around needing day time tuition. Perhaps you could put feelers out to see what the demand would be like - but without committing yourself first.

[AJuff]

Oh poor you. I can feel where your coming from and i know how you feel. Teaching is just all consuming and deadlines can become very unrealistic. My sister got out of teaching and never regretted it for a minute.

 

What about marking for examination boards. My sister makes a decent wage from marking GCSE/Language papers. She has the odd training moderation meetings at weekends but other than that she manages very well.

[Guest]

Thanks again all - the home ed thing sounds worth looking into. Its been a strange week when I've been up and down. The meeting when I upset the head by daring to suggest that a boy with a reading age of 6 "shouldn't" get 4 GCSE's was the icing on the cake. Talking of which I've been baking out my troubles lately, net result is that as of today I'm officially overweight again my BMI has crept out of the healthy zone.

 

I also sent a 2000 word email to the education secretary about the cheating involved in pushing schools up the league tables....

[WitchHazel]

You've been through an awful lot, Pengy, in a relatively short time.

 

It sounds like you have done exactloy the right thing in giving up your current role, even if you don't yet know what you are going to be doing come September. You spend far more of your waking hours at work (including the preparation. marking, thinking) than you do at home and if you aren't happy in what you are doing then it's best to stop and find something else.

 

Yuor new partner sounds great, and very supportive.

 

Keep your options open and be prepared to consider things which you would normally dismiss. The tutoring sounds like a really good way of getting connections and keeping your hand in. I read what you said about time with James, but in reality he's getting older anyway and it might be a good way for both of you. It might mean you need to plan a bit more so tha te time you do spend together will be time loved by both of you and really well spent.

 

Eventually there will be an opportunity at your old school, and "next year" isn't that far away from September anyway. It will be good for you to have some time out to get yourself sorted out, to get back on track diet wise (as it's sooo easy to let it slip a bit. Which becomes a Bit More. And a Bit More. You'll then be able to move to a new school with refreshed and reinvigorated.

 

<> to you

[nicki9]

Sorry to here you are having such a bad time, I was in the same position 5 years ago and handed in my notice - best thing I ever did. I now work at a great school, can teach, not crowd control and my depression is on the wane.

 

I would write to the schools you want to work in and see if they will put you on their regular supply list. I know we stopped using agencies as they sent some awful teachers, but we have a bank of supply that are known in the school, respected by the kids and are great.

 

The right job will come up, you will lose those extra pounds in no time and the depression will ease. Don't forget, you are truly inspirational in what you have done. It takes a brave person to hand in their notice like that, and a strong will to lose all that weight and maintain. I really believe that things happen for a reason, and that it will all work out soon. Take care hun x