Margalot Posted March 27, 2012 Share Posted March 27, 2012 Hi, I haven't been on the forum for ages, really busy at work and home although I do log on to read all the time, just havent posted anything! I thought I would ask this question as I feel mine Self Esteem is quite low, and I dont know how to get it back up. I haven't had anything bad happen to me, but feel socially inadequate. This seems to happen after I have been out, we went to a party on Saturday night and I wasnt drinking, and find it really difficult to start conversations, keep conversations going etc. When I got home I felt as if people would be thinking how boring /cold/ standoffish I was? My OH can talk to anybody. apart from that I am really happy, Its horrible though as I am always questioning what others may think of me and feel I just dont meet up to peoples expectations.! How can I make myself feel better about me??????????? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cinnamon Posted March 27, 2012 Share Posted March 27, 2012 I am socially awkward too,but I am happy to live with it,to be honest. I don't really enjoy social events & have 'forced' myself to socialise before & have hated it...........I dread any things I HAVE to attend (there's a wedding in a month ) & am much happier being left to my own devices. It drives my husband mad - he wants me to go with him to Barbecues,parties,masonic events & so forth but I just do not enjoy them. I am a grown adult now & I feel that I don't have to do anything I don't ant to,so I do what pleases me & doesn't make me fret & feel anxious or inadequate Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margalot Posted March 27, 2012 Author Share Posted March 27, 2012 Thanks Cinnamon, I must admit I do feel a bit like that and try to please myself, but must be having a couple of down days as I am going over and over in my head how awkward I felt!! Sometimes I look at other people and wish I could be more confident, more bubbly etc etc, then I think it all boils down to me not being accepting of the way I am and lets face it I dont think I will be able to change me after 41 years of being me! My Oh is really supportive and this time I havent let him know how I felt after the evening, as he is always telling me how other people think I'm lovely etc, so dont want him to think I need reassuring every time! Ive no real reason to have a low self esteem, and they say you have to love yourself first before others can love you, just I feel I could be a nicer person, so maybe I will start there! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cinnamon Posted March 27, 2012 Share Posted March 27, 2012 I must admit that my job (checkouts at Waitrose) has really boosted my confidence,but I am still an anti social moo! Whereas I can be bright,bubbly & chatty at work as soon as someone invites me to something my very first reaction is to think of some excuse not to go. I am no hostess either - this Christmas I managed (with the help of much wine) to not stress out too much about people coming over,even though they were close family. I hate socialising with strangers & will happily admit to having a drink to help me to relax into social occasions I have to attend. In my teens & early 20's (I am 45 now) I used to get panic attacks & although I have not had one for many years, I guess my 'social phobia' is another way of the same feeling making themselves known. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alis girls Posted March 27, 2012 Share Posted March 27, 2012 Low at present - better at work where I chat a lot - but in social situations I have always been pants. I am slowly wearning myself off antidepressants and so i do get panicky but trying to deal with it. Again I work with the public so have to be bright breezy, sympathetic and jack of all trades whether I feel like it or not. At home i can be quiet and left to think but then get "whats up mum " from the kids - cant win Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lillybettybabs Posted March 27, 2012 Share Posted March 27, 2012 I am socially awkward too,but I am happy to live with it,to be honest.I don't really enjoy social events & have 'forced' myself to socialise before & have hated it...........I dread any things I HAVE to attend (there's a wedding in a month ) & am much happier being left to my own devices. It drives my husband mad - he wants me to go with him to Barbecues,parties,masonic events & so forth but I just do not enjoy them. I am a grown adult now & I feel that I don't have to do anything I don't ant to,so I do what pleases me & doesn't make me fret & feel anxious or inadequate I'm the same and it drive OH mad too, I'd be happy living on a island in the highlands just surrounded by animals and no other humans. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Leeloo Posted March 27, 2012 Share Posted March 27, 2012 Pretty low! It's a combination of a lot of things. I could write a book, but no one would want to read it! I don't like to be in crowds a lot. It's a combination of not feeling confident and just plain not always wanting to socialize. My husband scolded me once about not chatting with people more and I replied that I didn't understand why I should jump into a conversation that doesn't interest me. He said because like Dexter says, "It's the socially appropriate thing to do." I watched an interesting TED presentation on Sunday by a woman who talked about how extrovert qualities are so valued in our day and age even though a third to a half of people in society are introverts. I had read an article about that before and it was very interesting to hear her points. One thing she mentioned was all the ridiculous emphasis on group work in schools today and having just finished grad school, I totally agree. Nearly every class that I took had at least one group project, usually more! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
majorbloodnock Posted March 27, 2012 Share Posted March 27, 2012 Don't forget that the people whose opinions you're worried about are people you don't really know (and who therefore don't know you). That means they're not important people in your life. On the other hand, if you think about people who really do matter to you (your OH, for instance), you'll see they've backed up their (high) opinions of you with actions; your OH obviously thought enough of you to want to spend the rest of his life with you, after all.... I'll also point out that not all social settings are equal. I've always found that if I'm introduced to people individually or in small groups, I can socialise well, but put me in a wider social setting such as a party and I'm lost. I suspect it's because I'm not too good with trivial chitchat and the transient nature of "circulating" doesn't allow for getting into a proper discussion unless you're lucky enough to meet a kindred spirit early on. Personally, I don't think it's so much a matter of you having to become more comfortable with yourself, but simply a matter of relying less on what others think for you to judge yourself by. Strangely, if you go seeking popularity you rarely find it, but if you ignore popularity it seems to seek you out regardless. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lillybettybabs Posted March 27, 2012 Share Posted March 27, 2012 Thank you, that's made me feel better too! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Plum Posted March 27, 2012 Share Posted March 27, 2012 Mine's ok most of the time and I'm hopeless at making conversation with people I know nothing about unless they are my patients. I do feel there is no right or wrong about whether you are an outgoing or selfcontained person. Small talk is a skill you can learn (or so my stepmother told me ) but some people are just naturally confident. I look at my two boys like chalk and cheese but it doesn't mean one has any more depth of character than the other. Listen to your OH - you are well thought of. Be happy to be a listener and let others be the life and soul of the party Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lewis Posted March 27, 2012 Share Posted March 27, 2012 Normally I'm quite good, alright chatting to people, going out etc. Think you can put on a confident face even if you're feeling self-conscious. I have to have a hoody or jacket on all the time, bit of a cover up comfort blanket. I hate only wearing a t-shirt and the only place I do is at work and then only because I have to! I can talk chickens to people all day 1-2-1 and to small groups but as soon as I'm put in front of a big group of strangers and have to talk at them its a bit more awkward... hopefully they can't tell too much though! Having a Fat day today 'cos its sunny so too much skin on show - everyone's in shorts, tshirts or topless in town, on campus and on the beach. Had a moan to a close friend but then decided to go + get 2 pairs of smaller trousers 'cos mine are too big 'cos lost 2 stone since Jan ... feel better now! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eggasperated Posted March 27, 2012 Share Posted March 27, 2012 Both me and OH are pretty anti-social, hating parties and crowds in general. I took a degree as a mature student a couple of years ago and I always agonised for ages over the presentations involved, even deliberately choosing modules which didn't have presentations when I could. Strangely OH can manage public speaking when it is about his work, but otherwise hates speaking to strangers. At the moment I am dealing with all sorts of people coming here doing repairs after the January storm (it seems never ending) and negotiating with various loss adjusters, and I seem to manage that ok - maybe its because I'm on home territory. I'm quite surprised how many people are saying they feel the same - I always thought I was a misfit. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chickencam Posted March 27, 2012 Share Posted March 27, 2012 It must be something about us chicken people then. Both OH and myself keep ourselves to ourselves. We go to the office Christmas do if we have to but are often away, but apart from that we really don't have friends, we get on well with work colleagues and have one retired ex business partner who we would class as a friend. I am still in touch vaguely with one school friend. I wouldn't go as far as to say that we are anti-social but we do like our own company and that of our children. Some of the parents of ED's friends seem to fill their houses with teenagers every weekend, that is not for me, we did it for her 18th but that was it, then the drawbridge was pulled back up. My self esteem has gone up since I have been working a couple of days a week, and as the children have grown into lovely people, because I feel that I must have done something right over the last 18 years. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
craftyhunnypie Posted March 27, 2012 Share Posted March 27, 2012 I have a little bubble that I only allow very very special people in. I don't have a best friend. I don't have that many friends as such. Yes I know people, but no one I can call to go for lunch or coffee or day out with. Sometimes it bothers me, other times I'm quite happy. Most of the time I'm ok with myself & my own company. I will talk to people, but relate better to the older generation. I find them more interesting & wordly wise. I have fat days & I like the Summer. But I won't wear shorts in this country! Emma.x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
patsylabrador Posted March 28, 2012 Share Posted March 28, 2012 OK I think. I hate big social events too. I loathe talking about myself and just clam up so I do that asking questions thing which seems to work until of course I find I'm doing it to someone like me. Other than my OH and my kids I prefer not to trust or rely on anyone. Having big gangs of friends is a relatively modern thing from early last century I reckon and something I can do without. One of the things I made sure I taught my kids was that it's ok to have just a small number of friends who mean something and that spending time alone is normal and quite natural. I can chat to anyone, and enjoy it but not if I think I'm being observed. One of my friends doesn't understand me and I don't understand her. She runs herself ragged being social and I suspect trying to be happy but it doesn't seem to really work. If I suggest she takes time out, give herself a chance to breathe she just says 'oooh, let's get together with some girls for a girl's night out'. I'm afraid that will never happen, even the phrase turns me cold. I explained that my default answer is no, and we had a laugh about how different we are. This is an incredibly reassuring thread, I thought it was just me. I would come to Omlet get togethers except I would just stand there silently smiling! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lillybettybabs Posted March 28, 2012 Share Posted March 28, 2012 I think forums are great, You can chat to people who have the same things in common and arrange meet ups with people in you area and already know something about them. Perfect for me as i can natter al day about animals once i feel comfortable. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alis girls Posted March 28, 2012 Share Posted March 28, 2012 Yes I agree and if they dont like you then you wont know about it cos they will PM all their friends and you are none the wiser. I prefer animals - if they dont like you they will bite and scratch - only a fool would persist in trying to get close to them then. I have noticed even fiesty animals - we had a female rabbit who bit me - hated me and when she was ill and dying she was happy to be picked up and cuddled - same with one of our hens last year - sat next to me on the garden seat last year her body resting on my leg - usually she'd run away. Animals give unconditional love - humans are back stabbing and devious - not all just a lot of them. I work in an environment in which the bosses are very controlling - morale is low - staff turnover - the girls leave because they cant cope. My confidence is not good even thou I am good at my job. I would like to leave just got to get the head together. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margalot Posted March 28, 2012 Author Share Posted March 28, 2012 Wow, How completely reassuring this forum is!, I really did think I was the only one who felt like this! We too as a couple, keep ourselves to ourselves our friends are minimal and we are happy in our own skin. Its just sometimes when you see other people you think they have it sussed, and although they have large social cirlces I must admit all the stress and aggravation it must bring when people fall out with one another must be awful. We are a family that dont holiday in hotels or resorts, and always go for a villa, where we can use the pool etc when we want and not have to talk to anyone if we dont want too! I was listening to Chris Evans this am and he played Everybodys free to wear sunscreen by Baz Luhrmann, - i had forgotten all about this song, (if you can call it a song) its him dispensing advice..... and it really hit the nail on the head, I cant belive how much better I feel today after reading all these posts and then hearing that song!!! I think this forum is so great and there are so many wise and thoughtful Omleteers on here.... Thank you x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Leeloo Posted March 28, 2012 Share Posted March 28, 2012 I must admit that I have been feeling a little lonely lately and I've been giving thought to joining some kind of social hobby, but it seems every time I get involved in some sort of social activity, the other members demand more of me than I am willing to give and I wind up resenting it! Perhaps if my job involved dealing with people more, I would get my fill of socialization, but it has been very isolating lately! I've thought about trying to find a book club. It seems like some kind of system where you do the activity by yourself and then come together occasionally to talk about it might work out well for me! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ClaireG Posted March 28, 2012 Share Posted March 28, 2012 Mine was very low.I've just started a voluntary job though and it's getting better Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chortle Chook Posted March 28, 2012 Share Posted March 28, 2012 I wouldn't say I have low self esteem. I just know that there is nothing particularly unusual or exciting about me, but I'm ok with that and actually find that it helps me to empathise with others more. I do however get split between a real need to be part of some form of group (e.g. village, family, charity group) but a dread of social gatherings as I've never manged the small talk thing. Oh how I hate that party thing were you have to circulate and move on just when you have found someone interesting to talk to . The excellent thing about getting older is that it doesn't matter any more if I don't like parties and you are not thought to be too odd if you'd rather natter to a single friend and eat cake in a tea shop than tell jokes in a pub. The Omlet forum is just perfect for me. I feel like I have lots of friends but don't have to worry about boring people. So too are those dog walk gatherings where you can amble along chatting to different people or just your dog as you go along. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chicken Licken Posted March 28, 2012 Share Posted March 28, 2012 Self esteem is a difficult one really. I spend quite a lot of my professional life trying to boost the self esteem of the young people I work with and getting them to recognise all of the good things about being them! However in my own life I am more than a little lonely having broken up with a partner who for a long time I believed I had a future with, I have become more shy and just feel that socially I don't have anything worthwhile to say. I have always been shy, but it has got worse. I am fine with a small circle of close friends and family, but in other situations I panic and avoid them. I heard the 'Always wear sunscreen' song on the way to work too and it made me smile -I reckon the man in the car behind me was listening to it too - good to see a sunny day and smiley faces on the way to work for a change. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chook n Boo Mum Posted March 29, 2012 Share Posted March 29, 2012 Oooo how comforting that I now know I am not alone ....I am often wracked with self doubt...do I belong? What have I got to offer anyone?..... There are at least two "me's" I've discovered in the past year or so.....very few people know both......I'm internally very shy & easily upset.....externally due to my work (reception/retail so HAVE to deal with people) I am much more confident provided I know the place or my subject well enough to spout or bluff my way through the relatively short time I have to spend with each person....big parties & crowds scare me silly, London especially the underground is hell on legs to me, I have to be led!......This me is happy to spend most of my time with the critters and family when they are here (DS & DD both at boarding school), with occasional forays to see extended family or have select friends/family here at home.... The other me is a slightly rebellious teen that I never was 20+ years ago, turning 40, children becoming more independent and DH's health issues seem to have brought her out.....she likes to go & visit friends, alone! Maybe it sounds weird/odd/harsh but being Sha not mum, missus, daughter etc occasionally is very important to me now.... Makes me sound Jekyll & Hyde Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chickencam Posted March 29, 2012 Share Posted March 29, 2012 I think what you have said about wanting to be able to be yourself as you get older is so true. I feel the desire to go off and do just what I want a lot more than I ever did. My children are pretty independent now and I want to be too. My ED went to a university open day 200 miles away yesterday, she got on a train at 7am and didn't get back until 11pm, it is the first time that she has been truely off on her own any distance and she loved the independence. She chose to take herself off at the end of the session to the nearby beach and sat reading and revising for 2 hours in the sun on her own. Her school friends were sending her texts asking her if she was lonely and scared and she said no totally happy and relaxed. She is very like me at her age. I am glad that she dissmissed this one though and is planning on going to one much closer to home, I would miss her too much if she was that far away. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Olly Posted March 29, 2012 Share Posted March 29, 2012 This is a really interesting thread, it's made me stop and look at my own situation, and I think it raises more than one issue. Self esteem, small talk, and friendship can be quite separate. Self esteem is a very personal thing - I used to be very shy and insecure, but life has toughened me! I think I am ok - not perfect, but that's fine; I am a good person although I have some bad habits/attitudes , I have good friends, and I wouldn't swap my life with anyone else. I don't worry too much about what other people think of me, because that's their problem! I certainly haven't always been this way, and a lot of it has come with age. I am good at small talk - but here's the secret, I learned that, and I loathe it although I hope "Ooops, word censored!"ody would ever know it! Most people like talking about themselves and if you can just trigger that, then you can relax and let them get on with it. Most people are nervous when meeting strangers, and grateful if someone else makes the first move. Questions ('have you been here before?' 'did you enjoy the concert/play/match?) are good, but even better are open questions like 'what did you think of it?' or 'do you like these curtains?' - trivial things, but it gets people started. If you're at a function where you're not looking to make lifelong friends but just get through the evening, that's all you need! Despite being a fairly confident person, I just don't like large groups/parties - too noisy, and I prefer a conversation with one or two people. There's absolutely nothing wrong with feeling this way! I go to parties sometimes because you have to, not to offend your friends; I usually don't drink, and I get away early if I can. Sometimes I even enjoy myself. I'm not a recluse by any means, I go out several times a week but usually to things with a purpose (choir rehearsal, meetings for groups I'm involved in) or meeting up with one or two friends. The best thing about getting older is to look at the diary and not have ANYTHING in there that makes me shudder and think 'why did I say I'd go to that', unlike my younger days! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
