charly1979 Posted May 19, 2014 Share Posted May 19, 2014 Hi guy its been a long time since Ive been on ! My worst fears when becoming a parent seem to be coming true and I would love to hear peoples advice etc : I recently bought a butane weed killer device which came with spare cans. This evening my husband could smell butane and quickly found out our 12yrold daughter had been 'playing with it' I did a count of the cans and to my shock found 2 missing after asking her many times she finally admitted to having them and bought down from her room 2 empty cans. It has become very clear that she has been inhalling them (I cant stop crying and feel sick to the core) My mum came over and we sat her down had a long talk etc, my husband read out the dangers from websites online, at this point she did go very pale and I would like to think the reality hit home . We have taken certain privelages away from her, her computer will be on lock down she will have an allocated time to get homeowrk done etc and will no longer be left in the home unsupervised (not that she really has been) I think she was also very upset to hear that I am now debating handing my notice in at work as I feel I need to have my priorities with family. We have explained that whilst this is part punishment it is also a direct result of her actions and how we feel we can no longer trust her etc.... I am just so worried, this has only happened within less than a week but have we caught it early enough ? how did we not know until now, is it a sign she has an addictive personality . I know I can get help from school doctors etc but is there anything else we could do, have handled it correctly I love being a mum but in the same breath I hate it my heart feels like its shatterd into a million peices, shes only 12 I have years off worry ahead and we have 2 younger sons 5 and 8 so what joys will they throw at me Sorry its not a happy post x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ain't Nobody Here Posted May 19, 2014 Share Posted May 19, 2014 Gosh, I'm so sorry to read this . I have no experience of anything like it and know nothing about inhaling butane but just wanted to say it sounds to me like you are reacting in a very responsible and caring way. Did she understand what she was doing, do you think? How did she know that it was even possible to inhale it? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
charly1979 Posted May 19, 2014 Author Share Posted May 19, 2014 Thanks Those are questions we have asked ? I think when Hubby read all the risks etc reality hit home but I suppose the next few weeks months will show wether it has or not . Just so upset Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Willow Posted May 19, 2014 Share Posted May 19, 2014 So sorry to read this, you must be very worried. You need to get some support and professional help. It may be this is the first time she's done anything like this and she's scared enough not to do anything again but you need to make sure. My sons school has done some excellent awareness evenings on drugs awareness but now I think back they didn't actually tell us much about what to do if we find out our child is taking drugs And even with attending two of these I wouldn't have made the connection with butane and sniffing, I thought you were going to say she'd been burning things down. The Ask Frank Helpline (0800 776600) should be able to point you at confidential support services local to you. Worth talking to school to get access to support but make sure you tell them to treat this as confidential and not report it on her school records. Sounds like you've handled things well so far. If you can take a career break it may be worthwhile just so you can be around more but consider asking for temporary (unpaid) family leave first so you can gauge whether a more permanent presence is needed or whether you just a break to get you all through the next few weeks. Hope it sorts itself out Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
charly1979 Posted May 19, 2014 Author Share Posted May 19, 2014 Thanks I will speak to her head of house and I have been on the Frank website. As for work I am on a zero hour contract sort off and luckilly they seem focused on other areas so my work is starting to thin out we just have some events coming up and I will have to tell them I am unavalible which will also be good as they seem to have taken the micheal recently. Better try and get some sleep it may look better in the morning ?? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LolaLayla Posted May 20, 2014 Share Posted May 20, 2014 So sorry you are going through this. As a mum myself I can understand how sick you must feel. Mine as far as I know have not been involved in this sort of activity but there have been over the years many sleepless nights for a variety of reasons. My youngest tells me a lot about what his peers get up to and it is truly shocking. Thank goodness you have found out about what has been going on so soon. She is still young and hopefully she will listen to you. I would be asking about her friends (I think this is vital) and as ANH said how did she know about using this. Someone must have suggested it to her. I hope you can get to the bottom of it and help her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bramble Posted May 20, 2014 Share Posted May 20, 2014 Gosh, I'm really sorry to read your post and hope you are feeling better this morning. I had no idea it's possible to inhale butane so you've taught me something there. I'm not a parent, but I can see this sort of thing is just a nightmare. Something my parents always used to say to me was that if I wasn't sure if I should or shouldn't do something I should ask myself "could I tell mum and dad I'm doing it". Maybe that's a way to approach it with your daughter? At 12 it's very possible she had absolutely no idea of the danger of what she was doing and maybe catching it early will be the wake up call she needs. Thinking of you all this morning Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Purplemaniacs Posted May 20, 2014 Share Posted May 20, 2014 What a shock and worry for you. I was going to suggest contacting the school as it could be a peer pressure thing and they may be able to help with advice and put on sessions in PHSE time (hope they are the correct initials). Having had tricky times in the past with teenagers my only advice would be to keep the communication going between you, it can be very difficult at times but talking is good. Chrissie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
patsylabrador Posted May 20, 2014 Share Posted May 20, 2014 I think you are doing brilliantly, it's something that goes around your mind a lot when you're bringing up children. Just don't despair, I think it will take a bit of work but you will come through it. I've been thinking a lot about parents communicating recently and I think the worst thing you could do would be to be so angry that you can't talk amongst yourselves. I don't know how I would have dealt with it but I would have let them talk it through without judging immediately what they were saying. If your OH wants to use them there are some pretty awful substance abuse pictures on line of people who have used crystal meth in America. Young girls looks are very important to them and some of these images are truly shocking. I think your plan to be around more is pretty sound especially during the summer hols and perhaps plan lots of things to do- even if your daughter is stomping around with a sullen face you'll know she's safe. I guess that somehow friends are involved and that will be difficult to tackle. We could all do with a Bertie Woosterish type aunt to send them off to. Best wishes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Willow Posted May 20, 2014 Share Posted May 20, 2014 Hope things are looking less scary this morning. It's important for your daughter to know you are angry but keep talking to her and hugging her as well. She needs to be very clear that you are angry because you love her so are scared for her and want to look after her. Easy to forget to keep pushing that message when it's so obvious to us as parents. Good luck with the school. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chickencam Posted May 20, 2014 Share Posted May 20, 2014 All I can do is sympathise and reinforce the communication advice. I found out that my YD who is 15 had been smoking, a couple of month back. She swears that it was only tobacco, and told her brother and sister that she was really insulted that I thought it might be drug related. Unfortunately it has broken my trust in her. I find myself questioning her motives if she wants to go out for a walk to the shops. I didn't get angry, just spent a long time talking things through with her, we have a good relationship overall, but she has always been my most challenging child. You may find that this has been talked about in school and she was just curious. Just keep talking to her and ask if she is under and pressure or being bullied at school. 12 is a difficult age with all the transition to secondary school etc. I think that you have done the right thing in talking to her, try to keep calm and show that you are doing this because you care. Teenagers appreciate boundaries just as much as toddlers, because it makes them feel cared for. Even if they don't seem to appreciate them at the time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soapdragon Posted May 20, 2014 Share Posted May 20, 2014 Some very wise words posted on here already - it sounds as though your initial approach was very sensible and balanced. I admire your level headedness - I think I would have been a shouting wreck! Children always like to push the boundaries and, hopefully, you have caught this situation in time to nip it in the bud - your daughter probably didn't even realise the dangers so, now that she knows, hopefully she will understand not only the dangers but also your worries for her. Please let us know how things go. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alis girls Posted May 20, 2014 Share Posted May 20, 2014 Cant add anything - i think you've handled it brilliantly. It might be worth finding out why she did it - peer pressure, boredom or whatever. Also might be worth asking GP's advice. Good luck and hugs Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WitchHazel Posted May 20, 2014 Share Posted May 20, 2014 Sounds like you've been handling it well, and you've already been given lots of good advice. The one thing I would add is an additional conversation with her. This needs to be done in a very relaxed way, and not in a "sit down and let me talk to you" way. I would recommend doing this as a competely separate "by the way" kind of thing, not related to any of the other discussions that you are having. It's most likely that your daughter was just curious, and there isn't anthing else going on behind it all. But just in case there is anything behing it, it would be worth asking your daughter if there is anything else bothering her. And telling her that, if there was ever anything happening in her life, or to her, that was upsetting her, that she didn't like, then she can tell you. Whatever it is, anything. If anyone has ever told her *not* to tell you, or that she will get into trouble for it, then she should not listen to them. If anyone has touched her in a way she doesn't like, she should tell you. Whatever it is, however small, however big, she can tell you. If she's ever not sure whether to tell or not, she should tell. The reason I suggest doing this separately, is that you don't want to give her an opportunity to get out of trouble... I'm sure we all like to think that our children know they can talk to us and tell us, but the people who abuse children are very skilled manipulators. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
charly1979 Posted May 20, 2014 Author Share Posted May 20, 2014 Thanks everyone Feeling a lot calmer now : I have been to her school and spoken with her head of house, who was very understanding and reassuring, he said she always seems happy and with a good bunch of girls and from his point if view there certainly no indication of this at school. They are going to keep an eye on her and have a word. He said I have done everything correctly. Today I have cleared her room of items that I feel are a privilege as I feel she needs to earn them back. We have just sat down and had a long talk, she doesn't know why she did it and seems very remorseful. I have asked if she feels she has anyone in the family she can confide in , she said no one is very serious so I have made it clear in these situations we would be very supportive etc. I have also asked her that in the future if she ever feels she has made a bad decision/ mistake to tell us straight away as I would rather her from her then anyone else. We discussed the birds and bees etc I have told her I have made bad decisions regarding this area so I know how difficult it can be (sorry to the male population, I did say 90% of you are after one thing and when you get it you tend to drop the girl very quickly) All in all it's been a very calm discussion, I haven't hidden how upset I am from her, I have told her I'm very ashamed and that I feel I have done something very wrong as a parent but I still love her. Finally along with her only have internet for homework and downstairs with me, I have asked her to write me an essay detailing about butane abuse the effects with a conclusion as to why it's not a good idea. My gut feeling is this has been an experimental thing for her and I feel she has learnt her lesson, but only time will tell Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chickencam Posted May 20, 2014 Share Posted May 20, 2014 Sounds like you are handling it all very well. I find a good time to have chats about sensitive subjects is when driving my children somewhere and just the two of us are in the car, or we are cooking together. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
patsylabrador Posted May 20, 2014 Share Posted May 20, 2014 I love chatty times, now it is mainly when cooking with a beer but when they were little it was bath time when they were mellow from the warm water and the bubbles. When they were teens I insisted on an almost ritualistic teatime, at the table and strictly at 5.30pm and we would all talk- a lot. Glad to read you're getting everything in place, your daughter is a lucky girl. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alis girls Posted May 21, 2014 Share Posted May 21, 2014 Mine seem to want to unload before bed. Many a time I;ve been fobbed off and then waited till they want to talk. You cant force it. I guess your daughter is Year 7/8 - takes a long time to settle at sec school and fit in. I hope things are ok. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grandmashazzie Posted May 21, 2014 Share Posted May 21, 2014 Excellent advice from everyone,we have a 13 yr old who has been challenging and I expect this to continue,one thing we feel is she is easily led by peers and at the minute keep her busy and with us at weekends which to date she hasn't really questioned. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chickendoodle Posted May 21, 2014 Share Posted May 21, 2014 Sounds like you have handled it really well. As a word of comfort my ed was a very challenging teenager. She has turned into the most wonderful, responsible and caring adult. She is a social worker and is a mental health coordinater Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Purplemaniacs Posted May 26, 2014 Share Posted May 26, 2014 Sounds like you have handled it really well. As a word of comfort my ed was a very challenging teenager. She has turned into the most wonderful, responsible and caring adult. She is a social worker and is a mental health coordinater I echo that my DD was challenging (she had some difficult things to deal with in her defense) now she is a great young lady with 3 lovely girls and a good friend to me. She too is very caring, she works as an HCA in the local hospital and from things I hear is very understanding and kind towards the patients. Chrissie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
