Chicken bald back

[Seagazer]

I've not had any of this in my family so I don't know what to suggest to you.

 

I do know that my friend died of liver disease, she was a bottle of wine a night girl. She left behind two children that were the same age as my oldest two and it broke my heart to see them at her funeral. One has managed to carry on relatively normally but the other has not and has gone off the rails. He does not want to end up like this does he?

 

You have to do whats right for you and your children. I should think without help he would probably slip back into his old ways easily.

 

The suggestion about AA could be a good one, I think there is part of it for partners etc of alcoholics. Perhaps you could ring them and get some support from people who are experienced in this.

 

We are all here for you, to support you in whatever you decide to do.

[Paola]

He can't have both you/family and drinking. He really can't have you/family and drinking. How he stops drinking and sorts himself out or what your involvement in this is (or isn't) you will have to decide.

 

I do agree with Looney on the above point. Maybe this is the wake-up call he needs to clean himself up for good and not just a few days.

 

Thinking of you xxx

[ClaireG]

I lived with an alcholic for awhile and know where you are coming from re the lovely when they are sober angle. He to said he would give up the drink but didnt and just became better at trying to hide everything. It was the lies that did it for me.

 

I know its hard but try to remember what he is like when he has been drinking and as others have said whichever way you want this to go for you and your children, i think now is the time to talk to the proffesionals Alanon helped me a lot.

[The Dogmother]

I can see where you're stuck Mrs B, and have been there myself. My choice was that for my sanity and for my baby's and my safety, he had to go, but not until we'd tried Relate - it didn't work for us ...mainly because he didn't turn up... but I continued to go on my own and found it to be a great help.

 

My choice would be the same as you're thinking now; to divorce and start again, but he needs to realise that he will still have to see the children, may even have them for weekends if he gets some accommodation sorted. And that he needs to set them a sober and responsible example.

 

There is light at the end of the tunnel though - I'm getting through it now - it's still hard financially, but my house and everything in it is mine (well half of the house is owned by then bank ). The ex has realised that warring against me hurts R more tha it hurts me, and that it isn't worth it. I am in control now and we get along far better then we ever did when we were together....l because he knows that I mean what I say and that he has to toe the line for Rosie's sake.

[BeckyBoo]

Sorry, the last post by me was really weepy and wallowy, anyway, I've looked up al-anon and their helpline opens at 10 so I'm going to ring them because although I know all about living with a drinker I now feel very out of my depth (and normally I'm no wuss)

Thing is I keep coming back to the thought that he's only agreed to give up because of me kicking him out, not because he actually really realises what his drinking is doing. It's not because he wants to, it's because he thinks he might have to to keep his family. And unless he really wants to stop then I can't see it working. Plus his entire social network and also work network are in the pub. I don't think he'll do it unless we move away and whilst that's my ultimate aim practically it cannot happen now - no money etc etc

 

GOD!! Why are things SO hard sometimes??

 

I keep quoting Desiderata that Poet posted a while back,

 

"Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself,

You are a child of the universe,

no less than the trees and stars, you have a right to be here,

And wether or not it is clear to you,

the universe is no doubt, unfolding as it should"

 

I have that stuck to the fridge and a smaller version in my purse.

Things happen for a reason, I'm sticking to my guns

 

Mrs B

[The Dogmother]

You go for it girl!!!

 

We're here to offer you support and a comfy shoulder. Feel free to ring if you need to chat.

 

xx

[ClaireG]

Good on you Mrs B

[keyhole kate]

Stay strong Mrs B I know it's very easy for all of us

were not in your shoes, living it day in and day out

but as someone else posted they will make all sorts of

promises, tell you what you want to hear just to get back

into there easy life comfort zone.

They will change, stop drinking, blah blah blah they will say

whatever it takes they dont mean it or keep there promises

words are cheap they just get better and sneakier

at lying,and hiding the evidence.

 

Ask anyone who's lived with an alcoholic father/partner what

a miserable life it makes for them and there children.

 

If he is genuine & serious he should be willing to sort himself

and his habit and life out without having to do it in your home

just how committed is he :

 

A divorce dosen't have to be final until YOU say so

 

XXxxHugsxxXX

[..lay a little egg for me]

Stay strong Mrs B I know it's very easy for all of us

were not in your shoes, living it day in and day out

but as someone else posted they will make all sorts of

promises, tell you what you want to hear just to get back

into there easy life comfort zone.

They will change, stop drinking, blah blah blah they will say

whatever it takes they don't mean it or keep their promises

words are cheap they just get better and sneakier

at lying,and hiding the evidence.

 

Ask anyone who's lived with an alcoholic father/partner what

a miserable life it makes for them and their children.

 

If he is genuine & serious he should be willing to sort himself

and his habit and life out without having to do it in your home

just how committed is he :

 

A divorce doesn't have to be final until YOU say so

 

XXxxHugsxxXX

 

I agree with everything Kate says. My Dad was a very good at lying about his drinking. Very sneaky. I think you might say you might consider having him back after he has got help and been declared "dry" but, if you do, remember, my dad was dry for 30-odd years before falling off the wagon and when he did, the stress of it all contributed to the deaths of my mum (brain haemorrhage) and my sister (cancer). If you do take him back you will need always to be on your guard...

[Helly Welly]

I've only just caught up with this thread, i was away at the weekend.

 

Mrs B, i think you've shown amazing strngth so far. I think, if you take him back now he'll know that you'll always be his crutch. You've got to be cruel to be kind. It must be incredibly hard for you but everntually everyone will benefit from your decision. He's obviously being sober for the kids at the moment so they'll get to see their Dad at his best. You'll be happier because you're not baby-sitting him anymore. And hopefully, he'll realise that this is rock-bottom and he'll seek help. Whatever happens, you are blameless, you are only doing what's best for you and your children and they must come first.

 

Remember, we are all here for you and will happily listen and give advice where we can. You are not alone with this.

[Lesley]

I hope the chat with Al Anon will help you to see the way forward Mrs.B

[clootie]

I agree with Kate. He needs to show commitment to sorting out his problems and by that, doing so away from the family. He can maintain regular contact and communication with you and the kids but not moving back, if at all, until he has shown he can do it - for himself first and foremost and then for you and the family.

[Rhapsody]

Al-Anon are wonderful, Mrs B and if nothing else it gives you people in the same boat, which is always good. I grew up with alcoholic parents (the drink killed one of them), for someone with that problem, drink just gets in front of any other consideration and you and your kids deserve better than that.

I once saw on Trisha (!) a woman being given the six litres of cider she drank a day to hold and then asked to hug her daughter- she couldnt without putting down the drink cos it was in the way. Nuff said. I'm sure we all admire you for taking such a stand- this may be the spur your husband needs to kick it for good but you are right it has to be from his side, not because you have put your foot down.

You have repeatedly said he needs to grow up, well he's had to leave home and do so now! I hope the man you fell for comes back to you if that is what you truly wish for.

 

 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Tigerlily]

Hi Mrs B

sending you love, ((((hugs)))) and support

 

My Gran (Mum's Mum) was an alcoholic. She left my Grandad, my Mum tracked her down (aged 10) and she moved away with Mum (from Glasgow to Manchester) so Grandad couldn't trace them and leaving 8 of the other children in his care I think the drinking started after this - I think the guilt of what she had done ate away at her... My Mum had to cope with her in all sorts of states, it wasn't very nice- a girl growing up witnessing those scenes My Mum moved out aged 16, even though she loved my Gran and was close to her, she just couldn't cope with it anymore.

 

I think from your posts it shows how amazing and courageous you have been Just to post on here and tell everyone was a massive step and proof that you wanted things to change.

 

As other posts have said - he will still be the same lovely man - but an alcoholic lovely man. It is an illness - just like cancer IMO. It eats away at the person they once were. The only way he will get better is by admitting he has a problem and that he wants to give up for himself, as well as you and your lovely children. Taking him back now will be just like Helly Welly said - he will view you as his personal crutch and that you will just take him back time and time again.

 

I sincerely hope he does receive treatment and stays off it for good. I never got chance to see my Gran. She died aged 47.

 

Only he can come through this Mrs B, and I'm sure you will support him through it.

 

I do think you are doing the right thing - you are trying to make him realise what his illness is doing to his own family, and you are putting the needs of yourself and your lovely children first.

 

Good luck Mrs B I think you are an

 

BWx

[chickencam]

Be strong Mrs B. we are all here for you.

 

This may be the shock he needs to get himself sorted out, sometimes we have to be cruel to be kind.

 

I hope that all of this works out over time in the way that you hope ((hugs))

[Muppet81]

You have made a brave decision. Well done.

I hope that the future will be a whole lot brighter from now on for you and your children.

Love

Pam

x

[Egluntyne]

Stay strong Mrs B.

[KimmyCustard]

Mrs B, youre so right to stick to your guns, dont give in!

 

It will make you feel guilty, cruel, etc etc but youre thinking of your kids, not just yourself. As the other Omleteers that have had a parent who drank say, they seemed to thank their mums for their decision to kick dad out, your children will understand when they grow up and see what you've decided was best for them.

 

OH's mother was awful to him (and 3 siblings) cos of the drink (and drugs), hence he hasnt seen her for the last 15 years and never wants to. Your children can decide what they want when they grow up and are mature enough to make their own decision. Youre doing what the best mums do and decide for them whilst theyre too ickle to do it for themselves.

 

Chin up sausage, let us know how youre feeling and we can listen when needed.

 

 

Kimmy

x

[jlo]

Can't add any advice Mrs B but thinking of you.

[hilda-and-evadne]

I feel SO guilty about it although my head says it's not my fault, doesn't help how I feel. ... And all I want to say to him is to come home, because it would be so easy, the children would be happy, he would be happy and on a very superficial temporary basis so would I. But I know I can't and it's absolutely breaking my heart.

I know I've done the right thing, and I knew I would have days like this but I just want the sober lovely man back that I fell for in the first place.

 

Stay strong, Mrs B - you are showing your husband "tough love" which might be the saving of him but it will take years. Try to keep in mind the good example you are setting the children and the fact that you are probably saving them a great deal of future humiliation and neurosis on the long road ahead.

 

I think of adults I have known who have been alcoholics. One, a professional woman, ended up in court charged with being drunk and disorderly; her children just about died of shame. On another occasion, at the reception after her son's wedding at a very posh hotel, she drank so much "Ribena" (that's what she told me it was) that she was sick into a wastepaper basket. Another, a chap who was my boss for a while, used to go to the Athenaeum gentleman's club at lunch-time. Afternoons were always a complete write-off, no work got done. One day he overdid it, even by his standards, and the office cleaning lady found him in the grey dawn slumped over his desk. He had four children, and I do wonder how they felt about the nice things that they could never afford because he had spent the money on drink. The company even paid for him to go on a drying-out course but he didn't attend.

 

One of the woman's daughters, aged about 13 at the time, even tried to get alongside her mother by sitting down and drinking (spirits) with her. And her mother let her. I find that really shocking - it amounts to child abuse, in my book. (I don't know what the husband was doing, when all this was going on - the marriage, understandably, suffered, and he used to spend most of his time at his London club.) The daughter is now in late middle age, happily married and with children of her own, but she is very very angry about that.

[Cate in NZ]

Thinking of you Mrs B, and sending loads of positive vibes to help you focus on what is right for you and your children and to have the strength and courage to follow that path.

 

I hope that Al Anon were able to help.

[cam1]

Thinking of you, stay brave, i am sure this was such an incredibly hard decision to make stay strong best wishes cam

mya

velma

[The Brown Clan]

Be strong Mrs B , you have taken the first step and Don't move the goal post !!!! If he wants to work things out he knows what he has to do ,It might take a while and things will get worse before they improve , and we are all here for you ,But the decision to clean up his act has to come from him and he has to hit rockbottom before he can sort himself out and realise his drinking is the problem , and as for his social life , friends who incourage someone to the pub with a drink problem are not really friends at all.

 

As for your children they may think you are mean sometimes , but they do not fully understand the situation , and when they are old enough they will and they will thank you for it .

 

so don't beat yourself up emotionally stay strong for your kids and for you

 

hugs to you xxx

[Couperwife]

Mrs B, I cant claim to feel a fraction of what you are going through, but (((((HUGS)))))

 

dont "give in" because of pressure from others, you are the one that is important in this, look at the big picture.

 

children are resilliant, they adjust very quickly (or the ones I teach seem to be)

 

please dont feel that we are bulling you, you know what you want, go for it.

 

(Teesside is lovely in winter , im sure we could put you up somewhere )

 

cathy

x

[aaronmusgrove123]

things definatly (sp?) happen for a reason you may in a couple of year meat your perfect man or he might become sober (sp?) and you get together again what evaer happens we will all be here to support you mrs B

thanks aaron