freddie Posted January 5, 2009 Share Posted January 5, 2009 We're all still here for you. and you're so up together its staggering. Last yr when all mine went......... up, I totally lost it big time. Rant away, doll, you're great! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ain't Nobody Here Posted January 10, 2009 Author Share Posted January 10, 2009 It just goes from bad to worse . After 2 weeks not speaking she phoned me yesterday. We had a long talk and I was quite firm and honest about the way she's treated me and spoken to me. She didn't seem to accept that anything I said was true. She remembers me "tossing" keys at her and phoning her up late at night and saying "hallucinating" - so it obviously happened . She said she'd never put the phone down on me ( ) and refused to believe what I told her she'd said on Christmas Day. She reckoned she was "flabbergasted" to see me because "I'd told her I couldn't possibly go in because I was cooking Christmas lunch". I'd arranged the day before that I would see her there . She maintains I told her I gave the staff at the home cash for Christmas and she says the staff member she gave her gift of wine to "scowled at her" and "they've obviously smashed it all and put it in the bin with her card". She said she didn't like it that we weren't speaking and missed being able to phone me up to tell/ask me things. She insisted that I must forget things too and couldn't possibly remember everything that's said in a conversation. I said I remembered perfectly well the 2 sentences she said on Christmas morning. She still didn't acknowledge that. I got a lot of "I'm just a stupid old woman" and "the sooner I'm dead the better" and so on and so forth. Oh, but she can't commit suicide just now because the gas men are coming to change the central heating system . It wasn't all negative (although very nearly) and we agreed that limited contact once a week was the best option. She said she was very happy we'd talked and even apologised (although still maintaining I'd made it all up). So I felt better (although still a bit aggrieved). Then..... today I left a message saying I'd pop in to collect her cardigan that I gave her for her birthday and change it for a larger size. So I rang the bell, opened the door with my key and she came towards me with her hands held up saying "I really don't want to speak to you after all you said yesterday." I said "I'm just here to get your cardigan". She said "you can keep it". So I said "give it to charity" and left. I'm so angry ..... again. She just rewrites history every single time and makes it suit her. Well, that's it. She can just manage on her own. I was coping fine with not speaking to her for those 2 weeks so I'll manage it again for as long as it takes, even if it's for ever. Sorry, didn't mean to ramble on but OH isn't here so I've no-one to let off steam to . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Egluntyne Posted January 10, 2009 Share Posted January 10, 2009 Oh heck. It sounds as if the so called professionals who have assessed her mental state have missed what is staring you and everyone around you in the face. Remember what I said to you in a pm . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tessa the Duchess Posted January 10, 2009 Share Posted January 10, 2009 Poor you ANH It is a losing battle with your mother. I think you have behaved brilliantly through all the rubbish that has been dumped on you. Perhaps minimal contact is the way to go, I am sure she will contact you if she feels the need. As you visit your dad frequently you can sort of keep an eye on her, if she has visited him you will know that she is ok. So sorry you have this problem in your life. Tessa Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mostin Posted January 10, 2009 Share Posted January 10, 2009 Rant away, that's what we're here for. Try not to feel any guilt, I know it's difficult not to with parents, but you've done all you reasonably can. You can't reason with someone whoe re-writes the past to suit them, been there and got the T-shirt. It's horrible but you don't deserve the pain she inflicts on you each time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seagazer Posted January 10, 2009 Share Posted January 10, 2009 Oh Vicki, I really do feel for you, I think whatever you do for your mum will be wrong. I think you are probably better off not seeing her or having as little contact as possible. I should just concentrate on your Dad and your own family for your own health. I know that is easy for me to say. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karen & co. Posted January 10, 2009 Share Posted January 10, 2009 I'm so sorry I don't have any words of wisdom Do take care of yourself though. Karen x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paola Posted January 10, 2009 Share Posted January 10, 2009 It sounds as if the so called professionals who have assessed her mental state have missed what is staring you and everyone around you in the face. I agree. Try not to let it get you down. Px Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joojoo Posted January 10, 2009 Share Posted January 10, 2009 After following this story throughout the past 12 months or so, I really don't have any words of wisdom to offer you other than to say that you really need to concentrate on yourself and your family. You will end up making yourself so poorly if you carry on being pulled from pillar to post with your emotions. I think maybe the time has come that you just have to walk away. You can hold your head up and be so proud of yourself with how you've dealt with everything your Mum has thrown at you, but perhaps now enough is enough. Whatever you decide to do everyone on here will be here for you to rant, talk or just cry at. I'm so sorry that you are having such a horrible start to the New Year. Big Hugs Jue xx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poachedegg Posted January 10, 2009 Share Posted January 10, 2009 Exactly what JooJoo said. Take care x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chelsea Posted January 10, 2009 Share Posted January 10, 2009 I've also been following this story - but not participating much as I really didnt have any advice to give. After reading your update though I completely agree with JooJoo. You've done everything right and even that is not enough for your mum. I think it is time you stood back and let her get on with it. Carry on with your lovely family, enjoy life and keep on being your jolly happy self, dont let her bring you down hun. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fowlbird Posted January 11, 2009 Share Posted January 11, 2009 yes, you've done all that you can for her and it's now time to look after yourself - you don't need all this from someone who clearly cannot remember half of what is said anyway xxxxx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MedusA Posted January 11, 2009 Share Posted January 11, 2009 It sounds as if the so called professionals who have assessed her mental state have missed what is staring you and everyone around you in the face. I'm with Egluntine on this one hon. I do not blame you for walking away at all. *hugs* I've been concerned about my Mum's mental state again recently. DD (who is an Assistant Psychologist) spoke to her boss about it and he advised keeping a diary/log of who phoned who, conversation content etc. He told her that would be really useful to any professionals who may need to assess her. Might that be an idea for you? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Couperwife Posted January 11, 2009 Share Posted January 11, 2009 Oh, things seem to be getting rather rubbish dont they just a thought...do you visit your mum on your own? would there be anyone to go with you every time you visit? the point I am getting to is that if someone is with you, they can see/hear what she is like with you. maybe they could write notes for you and then you can go with "proof" (and you would know that you werent going crazy - if you know what I mean ) however you decide to do (((HUGS))) cathy x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
baby bears mum Posted January 11, 2009 Share Posted January 11, 2009 Quite frankly I don't know how you've carried on. I would have cut all ties with her a long time ago. You have an enormous capacity for patience. I think distancing yourself by reducing the amount of contact with her will be the best thing for your health and wellbeing. Make the most of the time you spend with your Dad he sounds like a lovely, kind man despite his health problems and you obviously favour him personality wise. You are an incredible woman and I wish I had a fraction of your patience. Take care of yourself. Love Helen xxxx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ain't Nobody Here Posted January 11, 2009 Author Share Posted January 11, 2009 Thanks for your continuing support - it's a huge help . As you know I've been keeping a "blog" on this forum so I do have a record of what has happened since Feb last year. I copied all my posts into a Word document so that I'd have a diary of it all (minus the Omlet input ). I always write down what she says/does immediately so I'm clear in my head. It would be so easy to forget details. However, when I tell her what happened or was said at a particular time, she just dismisses it as it's not the way she remembers it. I don't know if she thinks I'm lying - she must do . Regarding visiting her on my own, yes, I always do. The boys aren't interested in seeing her (although they are obviously polite when they do see her, which is rarely) and OH gave up any unnecessary contact with her years ago. I occasionally see her along with my brother (when he bothers to get in touch ) but she never rants at me in front of him. She has her one friend, Ann, who she sees every few weeks (she even makes up stuff about her - I speak to Ann occasionally so I know what's true or not). Luckily (I suppose) she has behaved badly in front of others - notably, the surgeon who was supposed to perform the pacemaker op, the staff at the hospital dad was in and also the staff in the nursing home. Even her solicitor surprised me with his description of her behaviour during meetings with him. I don't see there's anything we can do. I feel quite happy now having no contact with her. If she phones me when I get back from school camp next Friday, I'm not even sure if I'll speak to her. Since ES (16) was small she's often said during her rants that we may as well stop seeing each other. Well, now I agree. Let my brother or the professionals pick up the pieces. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
baby bears mum Posted January 11, 2009 Share Posted January 11, 2009 You go girl. Have a good time at the Lakes. All that outdoor stuff has got to be easier than everything you've had to deal with as far as your mother is concerned. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Olly Posted January 11, 2009 Share Posted January 11, 2009 so sorry. You have put up with so much - whether she is physically ill, mentally ill or just has it in for you, it doesn't really matter because the net result for you is the same - repeated abuse, unkindness, guilt and worry. This is the way your mum is, and whatever you do won't change her, and sadly you're never going to get the acknoweldgement or apology or recognition that you would like. I agree with the others above - you have to look after yourself, and you have done all you could in this situation. Walk away and feel good about it - you're taking care of yourself and your family, and they are more important than someone who (from what I've read) has never shown you much affection or love. May 2009 get better for you from this point on. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
emily95 Posted January 11, 2009 Share Posted January 11, 2009 So sorry to hear all the upset that your mum has caused you. I think you are right to have no contact with her. Hope you have a good time at School Camp Emily xxx Edited to hide my inablilty to type correctly Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Valkyrie Posted January 11, 2009 Share Posted January 11, 2009 My mum's boiler died before Christmas and the plumber wasn't able to repair it, so she came to stay with us until it could be mended in the new year. On the 30th, OH's cousin and her family were supposed to come and stay until the 2nd. They changed their plans to arrive on the 31st instead. Meanwhile DD had a concert and was staying away overnight on the 30th (and would sleep on the floor in our room - "yay camping" she said), so Mum was moved into her room so that Cuz and her OH could have the spare room. Their son was going out with my DS to a party and stopping over at a friend's. Mum informed me that she was getting in the way of our entertaining and that she should go home to her cold house and get hypothermia and die - which would do everyone a favour. I was rather gobsmacked and gave her a right telling off. She then said she was joking (I don't think so) after I threatened to tell my brother what she had just said. As it happened she was involved in lots of games, had a whale of a time and laughed herself silly. Although she had a bad day the day after (missing dad, so was really offish). So when I hear about your mum ANH, and some other mums, I realise that I have got off really lightly. ANH - I really, really don't think you can do any more for your mum - you need a big break for a while. Maybe your mum doesn't realise the time passing - she seems so much in her own world, so a "time out" seems a good option to take. Hugs to you and everyone with awkward parents. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ain't Nobody Here Posted January 11, 2009 Author Share Posted January 11, 2009 Sorry to hear about your mum Koojie . Don't make light of it just because mine's so horrible, it's still hard for you to deal with. Be grateful though that she can play games and have a laugh, mine wouldn't know how to do either . _______________________________________- So much for "I really don't want to talk to you ...". She phoned twice this afternoon and got OH as I was out. She says she didn't get my message about picking up her cardigan till last night. So that explains why she said that to me when I went to her house yesterday afternoon? I think not . Her Sky channels have stopped working and there's a "noise" (presumably the dish has been blown off - we've gales here today). So that's what she was really calling about. Once again, she abuses me then pretends nothing's happened and I'm supposed to just forget it all . Well, if she phones me again, I'm going to say "I really don't want to talk to you because of the things you've said to me". See how she likes it . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeckyBoo Posted January 11, 2009 Share Posted January 11, 2009 I don't know what to say, she's abusing your loyalty SO badly, you really don't deserve this, many people would have told her to get stuffed years ago. It only goes to continually show what kind of person you are in the face of what kind of person she is, that you continue to try to treat her with kindness and understanding. Whatever happens you will always know that no one could have done more. Enjoy your camping, if I find a magic wand I'll make it ALL better for you! Mrs B Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
A chickychickychick-ENN!! Posted January 11, 2009 Share Posted January 11, 2009 Blimey ANH, the amount of negative emotional stuff you are dealing with so regularly sounds just awful. You will never change her, but you can possibly change yourself and how you react to her on a conscious and unconscious level - so you know some tricks to stop feeling the hurt aimed at you. You shouldn't have to, I know. But sometimes even when you are not the one at fault, it can be useful to look at how you can help yourself, even when it's not fair. Have you ever considered seeing a counsellor about how she makes you feel? It can be really useful. I do hope you find some peace in this situation somehow. Hugs. A x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missuscluck Posted January 11, 2009 Share Posted January 11, 2009 Vicki. Big hug Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redwing Posted January 11, 2009 Share Posted January 11, 2009 Big hug from me too, have fun on camp and try to relax and forget all about her Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
