poachedegg Posted May 3, 2009 Share Posted May 3, 2009 For you : Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ain't Nobody Here Posted May 3, 2009 Author Share Posted May 3, 2009 Aww, thank you Poachedegg . They're lovely . Nothing to report really, my brother is down this w/e and says mum is still just saying our fall out is all down to that "21 minute phone call" (the content of which she's rewritten ). One minute she says she should see me, the next she says she can't possibly, and so on in a loop. She's apparently glad I'm visiting Dad (my brother showed her my name in the visitors' book) although Dad says I'm not . Then again, he says the same thing about her to me . My brother didn't tell her he was seeing me yesterday. He says if he does, she just gets in a state asking what did I say about her, etc etc. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fluffyknickers Posted May 8, 2009 Share Posted May 8, 2009 Sorry this isnt helpful to you but I just want to say from any communication we have had I think you are a lovely person and deserve nothing but happiness. x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jackiepoppies Posted May 8, 2009 Share Posted May 8, 2009 I totally agree with Mazzyc. Big huge hugs. Jx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ain't Nobody Here Posted May 8, 2009 Author Share Posted May 8, 2009 Shucks, folks, you've made me go all . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tulip Posted May 8, 2009 Share Posted May 8, 2009 I'm with Mazzy and Jackie on this one, you are a legend ANH. So sorry to hear it has all started again. Nothing helpful to add I'm afraid, but am thinking of you. T. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ain't Nobody Here Posted July 1, 2009 Author Share Posted July 1, 2009 It's been a while since I've posted but it's close on 6 months since I've seen mum so it's making me think about things a bit more. She has made no attempt to get in touch and neither have I. My brother still comes down every 3 weeks (although failed to get in touch yet again, the time before last). I saw him at the w/e and he said she's much the same, ranting and moaning when he first arrives then settling down. She apparently said "sometimes I wish I had a daughter" this w/e but doesn't say much more about me or the situation we're in. She still seems to think I don't visit Dad (he probably tells her I don't) but my brother says he shows her my name in the book. Dad is much the same. He's usually very confused and seems to have little understanding who everyone is and where he is. He is fairly well physically though and seems quite content. Whenever I mention mum, he still talks about a "fall out" or a "misunderstanding" and often gets quite upset. He doesn't seem to realise it's me she's fallen out with. Recently when speaking about mum he said "she never visits, she never calls, she never writes" and after quizzing him about who he was talking about he said "Victoria" (me). I reassured him that I visit every few days but I don't think he really took it in. I think he's quoting something she's said. I am still happy with my decision to have no contact (although it does bother me at times). I have come to the conclusion that I will have to wait for something to happen - either to mum or dad. Then things may change. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Olly Posted July 1, 2009 Share Posted July 1, 2009 Well the fact that she hasn't contacted you speaks volumes. You probably feel much better, her behaviour doesn't seem to have changed - and as I recall, even when you were in touch with her, she was still telling your dad that you'd fallen out. Sounds to me as if your action was the right one. Sorry that things haven't been resolved between you, but unfortunately that may never happen. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lesley Posted July 1, 2009 Share Posted July 1, 2009 I think you've chosen the right compromise ANH - nothing in life is black and white and you'll probably always have some doubt at times. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted July 1, 2009 Share Posted July 1, 2009 This sounds a bit more tham just your mum "backing herself into a corner" - is there a possibility that your mum could be showing early signs of Alzheimers? Louise XX Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MedusA Posted July 1, 2009 Share Posted July 1, 2009 I agree. It is very brave of you to stick to your decision, and so far it seems to have been the right one. Disaster hasn't struck and your Mum is still around (and complaining ). I'm just sorry that your Dad seems so confused, bless him. I still take my hat off to you, ANH, for all you've had to put up with. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Happy-Mama Posted July 1, 2009 Share Posted July 1, 2009 I've just caught up with this thread. Sorry to get to the end of it and find things have not improved for you. It certainly sounds like you have done everything you can. I hope you can get the resolution I think you want with your mum and if not I hope that it stops bothering you as much as it obviously does, you have done all you can and should be proud of the patience and tolerance you have shown through out it all. Sending huge hugs!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sparkysmum Posted July 1, 2009 Share Posted July 1, 2009 Vicki, I'm so sorry things are as they are between you and your Mum. I only wish there could be some kind of resolution. Thinking of you. Allisonx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Valkyrie Posted July 1, 2009 Share Posted July 1, 2009 I think the break sounds like it has been a good idea. Your postings read bright and breezy - and downright cheeky too! Ahem! I'm sorry to hear your dad is drifting out of it at times, but it might be a good thing for him, just change the subject if he gets upset over anything, can't be easy if mum feeds false info to him - must confuse him even more. As long as you leave him happy when you visit, then you have nothing to worry about. Your mum sounds as though she is happy to complain about things as they are. Carry on as you are. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chickvic Posted July 2, 2009 Share Posted July 2, 2009 Just sending you some (((hugs))). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chook n Boo Mum Posted July 2, 2009 Share Posted July 2, 2009 ...and more {{{hugs}}} from me too Sha x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seagazer Posted July 2, 2009 Share Posted July 2, 2009 and some {{{hugs}}} from me too Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
..lay a little egg for me Posted July 2, 2009 Share Posted July 2, 2009 From me too [[[hugs]]] I agree with Koojie, you did the right thing, just keep calm and carry on... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chickencam Posted July 2, 2009 Share Posted July 2, 2009 You have your life on a more even keel at the moment so I would carry on as you are. Your Dad probably apreciates your visits more than he can communicate, so if he is happy and you are too leave it at that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tooties Posted July 3, 2009 Share Posted July 3, 2009 I just wanted to say from my own experience with my partners mother, I think your mum may have psychiatric problems. My partner Angi's mum was a total cow to her and her twin brother all their lives. She would phone her out of the blue saying 'it was lovely to see you yesterday but I think its better if I never see you again'. She even told her 'I wish it had been you' at her brothers funeral. I could go on!! Angi eventually decided to severe all contact with her. Her mum never got in touch with her, so it was relatively easy to do but not so easy to live with, as you say. The guilt subsided eventually, but what it has left her with is the feeling that shes 'not quite good enough'. She still misses her mum, or rather, what a mum should be. I just wish there was some kind of 'adopt a mum' scheme so she could experience what its like to have a mother figure in her life. So I guess I just wanted to say, keep calm and carry on! Only you know what is best in your situation, particularly with your dad involved. Take comfort if you can from the fact that you are not alone, it always amazes me just how many people have such difficult relationships with their mums that it breaks down completely. Sending virtual hugs.... x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ain't Nobody Here Posted July 3, 2009 Author Share Posted July 3, 2009 Thanks, everyone . It's so nice to have somewhere to offload . Tooties, what a shame about Anji's mum - that must have been really hard for her . It sounds like she's at the same stage as me, acceptance tinged with regret . I think my mum does have, if not psychiatric problems, at least a personality disorder. You weren't "with me" through the whole saga of last year (all 60 pages odd of it on the forum ) when dad was in hospital and mum ended up in a psychiatric hospital for 6 weeks. They discharged her saying she was fine . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
littleleicesterfox Posted July 3, 2009 Share Posted July 3, 2009 Aww I understand totally. Just before my marriage three years ago I had a huge barney with my parents, who I haven't got on with for a VERY long time, and we stopped contact. Last year my Grandma died and my dad got in touch and asked me if I wanted to go to the funeral, which I did. My parents then got in touch again and asked if they could send the kids some presents and it eventually worked out that they came down. They sent me an e-mail a couple of days later but since then I haven't heard a single thing from them, there were no christmas presents for the children in the end and not a card for any of the children's birthdays. I understand totally what you mean about acceptance tinged with regret. However, I have found that in the long run it's probably for the best as it just got me stressed and very unhappy every single time I dealt with them. I also don't speak to my sister which is acceptance tinged with pleasure because we really don't like each other and that's what caused the rift between me and my parents in the first place. My mum has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and seemed 'unwell' last time I saw them. I appreciate my attitude probably seems hard but there is a lot of bad history there as well which I don't think it's appropriate for me to go into - I hope you understand. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jules. Posted July 3, 2009 Share Posted July 3, 2009 I'm sending you more (((hugs)))) x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tiggy Posted July 3, 2009 Share Posted July 3, 2009 Aww I understand totally. I understand totally what you mean about acceptance tinged with regret. However, I have found that in the long run it's probably for the best as it just got me stressed and very unhappy every single time I dealt with them. I also don't speak to my sister which is acceptance tinged with pleasure because we really don't like each other and that's what caused the rift between me and my parents in the first place. there does seem to be a lot of us out there acceptance tinged with regret seems to be only way to describe it when your Mom dosn't like you, as I have found out, like you I decided not to keep in touch and my life is much easier but I still feel sad that it has to be this way, it's a hard decision but you have to do what is best for you your family and your sanity. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ain't Nobody Here Posted August 2, 2009 Author Share Posted August 2, 2009 My mum put birthday cards through my door for my, ES's and YS's birthdays while we were away (prompted by my brother). I decided to phone her to say thank you (I knew my brother would be with her as I'd arranged it with him) - the first time we've spoken since April (I think) and only the second time in 7 months. We only spoke for 5 minutes but it was civil and she seemed pleased I'd called (although no mention was made of the past 7 months ). I suggested that next time my brother is here (in 3 weeks) I'd join them for lunch. She thought that was a good idea. I still don't want to see much of her as I know she'll just revert to type but I'm happy to see her if my brother is there too. So I feel good that I've made the first move but slightly cross that once again, it had to be me . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
