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Funerals

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I've been to a close friends fathers funeral today, it was a lovely send off with a massive turnout of family and friends. On the way home it set me and OH to thinking about what we'd want at our own funerals.

 

I want to be cremated and scattered from a hill top as I don't want my girls or OH to have the bother of tending my grave. At the service I'd want a "come as you are" dress code (crocs, wellies, chicken poo clothes welcome), a cardboard coffin that everybody could doodle on; and a bit of a party after (with lots of bunting & cup cakes) where everybody could have a bit of fun. :D

 

I just wondered if anybody else has given it any thought and has any good ideas that I can add to my after show party. :lol:

 

Just to add - I'm not planning on popping my clogs anytime soon but control freak that I am I think I'd like to leave OH detailed instructions of what I want :lol:

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Cardboard coffin and music specified. Woodland burial. We sorted all that out when OH was in hospital last year. Very sensible to sort it out. You never know when your number's up and it's nice to know while you're still here that you can get things in order.

 

So sweet to hear that your friend's send off was so lovely.

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I (also dont plan on this happening anytime soon) would like a cardboard coffin :D I like the idea of people writing on it :D

 

I would like everyone to have a great party - a celebration of my life, not a mourning of my death

 

and everyone must wear colour (somewhere) I dont do blaaaaaack, brightly colours shoes would probably be quite apt :lol:

 

cathy

x

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It is very spooky that this thread is here. I have been to a funeral today as well with my mum and we were having discussions about how we all deal with death.

 

My mum has made it clear that she does not want to have any kind of service - not even one that doesn't mention God. (No offence to anyone on here but neither of us believes in God.) She takes the view that funeral services are barbaric and that their main purpose is to refresh the pain of everyone present who has lost a loved one. She has said that if we do have any kind of service, she will come back and haunt us as she doesn't want to put people through it all.

 

I have some sympathy with this view. I had very little connection with the person whose funeral we attended but the grief of those close to him reminded me of when my father died and it brought it all back in spades. I was also emotional because my brother did the speech (it was his father in law who had died) and I knew that he was remembering the loss of my dad as well and that also made me cry.

 

The less fuss the better if I go and I certainly do NOT want Abide with Me, Love Divine or The Day thou Gavest sung at any service that is supposed to be saying goodbye to me.

 

Sorry - a bit of a rant there but it has been on my mind all afternoon!

 

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I hope I don't need to plan mine, as I have no idea about what I want.

 

(No offence :wink: ) but I think some people take it from celebrating the persons life, to a joke and a bit cheesy :? I can understand not wanting it to be sad and in black, but I think people deserve at least some respect.

 

 

 

I'm finished :lol:

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That's exactly why it's important to say what you want now - you won't get any say in it later! Seriously, it is much, much easier for those who have to plan it if they have at least some idea of what you want.

 

I was going to be cremated but since my friend started working at the local woodland site (not the same one as quickcluck's link above) I'd like to go there, I think. Willow coffins are really lovely, my aunt had one at her funeral and I think they are nice, the cardboard ones are good though.

 

I'd like some music, if I die any time soon I'd like my choir to sing at the funeral (although obviously I secretly hope they'd be too choked up to do so :wink: ) but I change my mind about the music all the time. I'm torn between something classical, and 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' which I think would be very appropriate!

 

I'd like it to be a celebration of my life, and to be remembered for how I lived, not how I died.

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She takes the view that funeral services are barbaric and that their main purpose is to refresh the pain of everyone present who has lost a loved one.

 

Interesting and I can see that but I think it depends on your background and what you are used to. I find them comforting in a strange sort of way :shock: and because I have a lot of relatives there's usually 1 or 2 family funerals a year.

 

Definitely why you should talk about it so those close to you know what you want.

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Cardboard coffin and music specified. Woodland burial.

 

That's the sort of "green" funeral I want too. OH knows I want to fertilise an oak tree when I'm gone. I think it's good to make your wishes known, so your loved ones know exactly what to do at such a distressing time.

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I have given very specific instructions to my family that I do not want a funeral service of any kind.

I am a non believer & think that funerals are an expensive waste of time, & make things so much worse for those left behind.

 

So, I want to be cremated in a card coffin, then just scattered in my garden or somewhere nice really.

 

Then,in a few months time,I would like all my family to get together & have a meal in my name,plenty of booze & happy memories.

 

Hubby says he wants to do something similar, in fact he says he doesn't care as he won't be around,so I can do what I want, which will shock some members of his family to the core 8)

 

This is a subject close to my heart at the moment,having lost my Mum in February & my uncle a month later, & having to have arranged a funeral with no real idea of what was wanted,but a sense of really wanting to do what was right & best for that person.

 

I seriously believe it should be law to have your funeral wishes logged so that the worry isn't left to someone else.

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I know what you all mean.

I have thought about what I might want but have never actually told oh. :oops:

Ironic really as i work in the funeral profession and deal with it all daily and know how some families are when they are unsure of what their loved ones would have wanted.

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Very interesting thread, cetainly shows what a secular society we have become.

My family are spread out geographically and church going (in the main) we ALWAYS have a big family get together for baptisms, weddings (in churches) and funerals........we are a family who share life and whatever it throws at us. We will be celebraing in London next month as my cousins son is being ordained!!!! I guess we are a dying breed :lol::(

My OH family are quite different only us and his mother go to church, weddings are for friends although family sometimes get invited to an evening do and dont start me on funerals..

My FiL s funeral was lovely, he didnt want a big fuss, so we had a funeral mass as part of the daily mass at our chuch then only immediate family went to the crematorium, then as agreed, we all stood outside the herse and said our farewells and prayers and the he"Ooops, word censored!" drove on with coffin still in it as we walked away. No going into the impersonal crem chapel. The ashes were buried under a tree in the church garden....perfect!!

thank you for thid thread has really got me thinking......

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Contrary to what some others have said here, I think a funeral (of whatever kind) is essential. It is a turning point in a bereavement, a chance to say a proper goodbye. I know the world can seem very empty straight afterwards but there is a sense of 'now it's time to start moving on'. Funerals are usually 7-10 days after death so the intense shock and sadness is ready to stop and I think a gathering is helpful.

 

I have been to numerous funerals both as family, friend and professionally. I attended an amazing one last Wednesday. A young man of 31 died in his hotel whilst on holiday in Africa. He was the life and soul of every party and everyone in Reigate knew him because he frequented all the pubs! His death was a terrible shock to his many friends and of course his family. We were expecting a lot of people and the church was reasonably full with about 200. Most of these were fairly young people and everyone was very smartly dressed in black suits, which was surprising. Before the service started these mourners all sat in total silence for at least 10 minutes. We have never heard the church so quiet (Pachelbel's canon on the organ). When the coffin was brought in, we discovered there were at least another 200 people outside who all walked in behind the coffin. It was lovely to hear the man's older brother, his sister and mother talking about him and the service was an amazing tribute to an amazing man who brought life and joy to so many people.

 

They were not a church-going family as far as I know, but I guess the advantage of a church is that 450 'guests' can be included. A crematorium could not fit that number in. Their silence and their dress code as well as their sheer number were a real and fitting tribute to the young man who had died. His family must have been warmed very much by the number of people who cared strongly about him. A funeral is a chance to do that.

 

We all feel sad when someone dies and that is not wrong. It doesn't mean that shared memories will be sad though. They are frequently very funny and it is the loveable bits of the deceased's personality that people talk about and share with each other.

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I have given very specific instructions to my family that I do not want a funeral service of any kind.

I am a non believer & think that funerals are an expensive waste of time, & make things so much worse for those left behind.

 

So, I want to be cremated in a card coffin, then just scattered in my garden or somewhere nice really.

 

Then,in a few months time,I would like all my family to get together & have a meal in my name,plenty of booze & happy memories

 

..........

 

I seriously believe it should be law to have your funeral wishes logged so that the worry isn't left to someone else.

 

I agree with Sarah. We have a woodland burial site here too and it's in a lovely situation.

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Well, I'd like a Viking funeral - but they are banned. I did so want an blazing arrow shot at me floating off on a longship - rowing boat would be sufficient! But if I am given a funeral I want no religious service and people to wear brightly coloured clothes. I also want a song by My Chemical Romance - Mama. Lyrics below, I always crack up with laughter at that one - great tune too:

 

Mama, we all go to hell.

Mama, we all go to hell.

I'm writing this letter and wishing you well,

Mama, we all go to hell.

 

Oh, well, now,

Mama, we're all gonna die.

Mama, we're all gonna die.

Stop asking me questions, I'd hate to see you cry,

Mama, we're all gonna die.

 

And when we go don't blame us, yeah.

We'll let the fires just bathe us, yeah.

You made us, oh, so famous.

We'll never let you go.

And when you go don't return to me my love.

 

Mama, we're all full of lies.

Mama, we're meant for the flies.

And right now they're building a coffin your size,

Mama, we're all full of lies.

 

Well Mother, what the war did to my legs and to my tongue,

You should've raised a baby girl,

I should've been a better son.

If you could coddle the infection

They can amputate at once.

You should've been,

I could have been a better son.

 

And when we go don't blame us, yeah.

We'll let the fires just bathe us, yeah.

You made us, oh, so famous.

We'll never let you go.

 

She said: "You ain't no son of mine

For what you've done they're gonna find

A place for you

And just you mind your manners when you go.

And when you go, don't return to me, my love."

That's right.

 

Mama, we all go to hell.

Mama, we all go to hell.

It's really quite pleasant

Except for the smell,

Mama, we all go to hell.

 

2 - 3 - 4

Mama! Mama! Mama! Ohhh!

Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma...

 

[Liza Minelli:] And if you would call me your sweetheart,

I'd maybe then sing you a song

 

[Gerard Way:] But there's s**t that I've done with this f*** of a gun,

You would cry out your eyes all along.

 

We're damned after all.

Through fortune and flame we fall.

And if you can stay then I'll show you the way,

To return from the ashes you crawl.

 

We all carry on (We all carry on)

When our brothers in arms are gone (When our brothers in arms are gone)

So raise your glass high

For tomorrow we die,

And return from the ashes you crawl.

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Silly as this might sound I don't really care as I won't be there to complain BUT

I think you have to consider the loved ones you leave behind it's what they need really and I must agree with Ginette on this point.

It's all very well making provision for no ceremony or celebration but it's important to help those you leave behind come to terms with losing you.

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Sorry but I don't agree.

I don't need to see someone I love in a coffin,on an alter or about to be cremated.

All I need is to remember them as they were.

 

I think funerals are unecessary & overpriced, & I certainly don't want my family spending their money on one for me, when they could all go out for a meal, a drink & a fun night in my honour instead.

Personally I think that its more considerate not to put your family through the ordeal of a funeral.

I also cannot bear the weeping & wailing aspect of it all, or the fact that people you didn't like & who didn't like you turn up for a frre sausage roll & glass of wine,as happened when my sister in law died :?

 

Each to their own of course, but those are very much my wishes & my family know that & respect how I want the end of my life honoured.

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Fair point Cinnamon - but I have to say (much as we missed her, and still miss her every day) there was no weeping and wailing at my mum's funeral - she was an old lady, who had lived a full life, and although I still wanted her to be there, I didn't want her to go on feeling old and unwell. I accepted that her death was the right time for her, even though not for us (there would never have been a right time).

 

So we had quite a jolly party, I met up with cousins I hadn't seen in ages, and even though maybe they hadn't been in touch much, we were pleased that so many people had turned up to remember her. Wehad photos of my mum around the room to show all the different things she'd done in life and it really was a celebration.

 

I accept that this isn't always so easy especially if someone has died young or in tragic circumstances - but for us it was a chance to all get together and say goodbye, and as Ginette says, to move on to the next stage. I found it a great comfort to think that we'd given her a good send-off.

 

The irony in this is, however, that she had always said much what you are saying - 'It doesn't matter what happens to me when I'm dead, just chuck me in a ditch :shock: (her exact words) and get on with life'!

We didn't feel we were going against her wishes however, she loved a party. And she had happened to mention what music she'd like, if we ever had a funeral ...

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With Dad's funeral - the vicar kind of took over somewhat - but we sang and we danced - we celebrated his life and the good memories and fun we had all together. Then afterwards we came back here with the family and had more fun and laughter. We chose the Goons Ying Tong Song for him and Russ Conway - because he liked them. We know he wanted to be cremated. Although it did rain on the day and I told him that I know he really wanted Singin' in the Rain, but we didn't have that on a CD and he would have to make do with us singing instead. The sun came out late afternoon - think he understood! :D That gave us closure.

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