Pro - Does anyone else's nest boxes get soaked in rain?

[Griffin]

Woe. I'm despairing over my thirteen and a half year old daughter Daisy Where has my sweet little girl gone? She's bad tempered, sullen, argumentative, spiteful, distant and I'm worried sick for what the future holds. Just this morning she almost knocked the bathroom door from it's hinges by banging on it with her fists because it was occupied by her soon-to-be 12 year old sister, then threatened to punch her so hard in the face that she wouldn't be able to see for a week! I've just gone into her bedroom to close the window and spotted her hair straighteners on the bed. I don't know why because I wouldn't normally but something made me go over and check them, lucky that I did because they were still on! It's a miracle she didn't burn the house down. They've now joined her favourite Nintendo DS game that I confiscated on Monday because I was sick of the fights it was causing amongst the girls (Daisy is the oldest of four).

 

She's impossible to talk to, she doesn't like talking about how she feels, what might be bothering her etc. I think her biological father might be playing on her mind but I can't be certain because she refuses to talk about him. I can't think what else might be wrong. I've known Mr Griffin since I was 16 and we've been together since Daisy was a few weeks old and she's always called him dad. He's everything a daddy should be and doesn't treat her any differently to her other sisters. Her father and I split up when I was three months pregnant with her and he chose not to be a part of her life. He's seen her a handful of times and she's always hated him. I've never ever said a bad word about him but she made up her own mind early on that he was a plank and he did nothing to change that impression. Just before Christmas he decided it might be nice to try to build up some sort of relationship with her, I think he's finally grown up. She refuses to speak to him, will not call him, write to him or email him. I've said to him that if he really is serious about making amends he's got his work cut out and he'll have to make all the effort. I haven't heard from him since then so maybe he's not going to bother It saddens me because they've both missed out. The only time she's ever spoken about him she says she hates him, he's not her dad, she's got one and doesn't want another. As tempting as it is to tell him to disappear and never to bother us again I really do think she'd like him if she got to know him and it could be fun to have time with him away from her sisters.

 

And on the subject of them, whilst she has seemingly endless patience with her youngest sister who is almost five, she hates the other two with a passion They're incapable of carrying out the simplest tasks without WW3 breaking out, everything she says to them she says with an attitude They're always hitting each other. She hides things from them. Actually she's started doing that with me. My eyeliner had vanished in the bombsite that is my handbag so I asked if I could borrow hers. She denied owning any. I knew that was a lie. Days later I spotted some on her dressing table. A similar thing happened when DD2 needed a white t-shirt, I knew Daisy had one but she denied it. I found one at the back of her cupboard. Silly, petty things like that. Why be so nasty?

 

She is spoilt, thoroughly spoilt, all of our girls are and I thought it'd make them happy but she's not. They want for nothing, she has her own laptop, she got a brand new Blackberry for Christmas, she's always given money to go out with her friends into town or to the cinema, I even took her to the cinema last week, just the two of us because I thought she'd appreciate the attention but as per usual she barely said two words to me.

 

I get the impression she hates me just as much as she hates her sisters. I can't do anything right in her eyes.

 

Any words of wisdom to help us through the next ten years or so?

[The Dogmother]

If it's any help, Rosie is showing signs (nearly 13) of being a teenager, although I don't think it's your 'spoiling' them that has done it as I am very firm with Rosie and don't spoil her at all, yet she is being 'difficult'.

 

After weeks of asking her to tidy her room so that i could wash the mountains of dirty clothes on the floor (darned if I'm going to go and dig them out!) I asked her Dad to come round and he helped me (with her whinging all the time) to get it tidy.

 

I think they will be like that whether you spoil them or not, it may be peer pressure from school, but not from the TV in Rosie's case as we hardly have it on. Give us a few years and we'll have our lovely girls back

 

Hey, perhaps we ought to introduce them!

[Cinnamon]

Firstly,it does get better,I promise you

 

My 2 are just coming up to 16 & 18 now,& we have had rough times with them,but there is now light at the end of the tunnel,with the eldest,at least.

 

You need to set some ground rules...you need to be very tough with this.

DO NOT let her bully you & hold the rest of the family hostage to her moods.You must not let her take control.

 

Start off with regular pocket money rather than cash as & when she needs it,but make sure that you expect her to earn this privilege.

I got mine to do regular chores around the house...emptying waste paper bins,cleaning mirrors once a week,laying the table,loading the Dishwasher. Give her a set of tasks she must do,& she must do in good humour,or she will not get her pocket money.

If there is anything special she wants,she can earn it by doing extra jobs for you.

 

As for the mood swings,well you will have to live with those,as a family.

Make sure that she knows when her behaviour is unacceptable & make sure she is punished.

I grounded my girls on a fair few occasions....I hated doing it,but it did work.

Well done in taking the straighteners.Don't let her have them back for a week & then make sure she promises to keep an eye that they are turned off & that your home is treated with respect.

 

I am afraid that it will be tough. She may come across that she hates you,& her sisters, but it will get better.

[sage]

Griffin

No expert on teenage girls as mine is only 2 years so I got this to come.

Just wanted to send a big hug.

Some kids do not know how lucky they are.

 

Sage

[Chucky Mama]

Poor you She probably has all sorts of 'issues' that she really needs to be able to share with you. Her hormones will be going pretty crazy at this age and there will be all sorts of pressures from friends and school.

 

She is spoilt, thoroughly spoilt, all of our girls are and I thought it'd make them happy but she's not. They want for nothing, she has her own laptop, she got a brand new Blackberry for Christmas, she's always given money to go out with her friends into town or to the cinema, I even took her to the cinema last week, just the two of us because I thought she'd appreciate the attention but as per usual she barely said two words to me.

 

 

This unfortunately wont be helping matters. She needs to love and respect you as a person. At the moment she may see you as little more that the bank of Mum and Dad. Giving anyone everything that they want does not make them happy. Children are no exception. They should earn what they get either by behaviour and respect or by doing something that contributes towards the harmony and running of the family. Presents and gifts should be age appropriate and reserved for birthdays and Christmas. If they have it all at 13 you leave yourself with nowhere to go at 14,15, 16 and children are left with no realistic aspirations.

 

I think that a family meeting is called for where everyone sits down and talks openly about how they are feeling. You then need to lay down some rules (including a bathroom rota) and outline your expectations. Say things like 'how do you think we should deal with....' and see what they come up with. Confiscation of treasured things is good but putting rewards in place will work better if you can do it. My youngest gets time on Facebook for every house point he gets at school for instance.

 

We have 3 children and we always take time out to spend with each alone without their siblings around. It may be nothing more that a trip out for the weekly shopping, an hours cooking together in the kitchen or a walk with the dog. We find this so important and the children really look forward to it. They are then each a person in each other's eyes rather than part of the family group.

 

It is difficult with children of this age as one minute they want to be an adult, the next they want a cuddle on your lap and we are supposed to know which way they are feeling on a minute to minute basis

 

Keep at it, parenting is tough and unrewarding at times

[Margalot]

Griffin, I do feel for you

 

My DD is 15 now and we do clash! I must admit she is getting better (v.Slightly) as she is getting older. She doesnt have any time for me, although I would like to think that she does love me really. She is very selfish and I am sure she would step over me if I was collapsed on the floor! She doesnt fight too much with her younger brother, but cant be really spiteful and won't think twice about taking his dvd's etc, but my god if he were to set foot in her room!

 

I too have tried just "us" time but as you said the conversation is a bit one sided and then I give up. My DD is very headstrong, stubborn, and she lies about lots of things to me! I just hope that in later life her stubborness will be one skill she can put to use. The thing is as a teenager they really are a different species to us adults and its been proved that they think differently etc. I have tried to advise my DD on lots of things but she would never accept the advice even when its right. Some of the things she does tell me about what her friends are like and what they are allowed to do etc shocks me! I hope you can work through this with her. A lot of our troubles stem from her jealousy of her younger brother, she was put out from the day we brought him home! when she was 22 months old! She always compares anything we spend /do with him to what we spend / do with her and she often tells me he gets more attention etc. (we do not treat them any differently), but the thing is there that he has always been much more loving towards us and loves spending time with us where as she will spend all her time in her room or with her freinds just as if she is a lodger!

Already great advice from others......making notes myself!

 

I also remember being awful to my Mum when I was 15/16 and once when I really upset her and made her cry I honestly felt that she was being weak! and didnt feel sorry at all. When I speak to my Mum now about my behaviour we both giggle about my daughter's behaviour being my comeuppance for it! karma eh?

Sending you ((hugs))

[Powerlady]

Definitely hormonal, my friend is having a terrible time with her 13 yr old..hope it gets better soon for you.

[The Dogmother]

I agree with Chucky Mama, my place seems like a boot camp in comparison...

 

her mobile is only for emergency contact, not socialising, once her monthly credit is gone, it doesn't get topped up again until the next month.

 

The only laptop we have is an old ex-work one for her to do her homework on, all pooters have parental control installed and are locked down, so no social chat sites; homework only.

 

No TV in her room and the straighteners are kept in my room where I can keep an eye on them.

 

She is not allowed out to maraud around town with the groups of feckless teens; she goes out with a purpose, and is back by the allotted time. She has been grounded before now and will continue to be so for any infringements and lack of respect.

 

I think we understand each other

[sari]

I can't offer much but hugs....although I remember reading that some behavourists regard the " I hate you" behaviours as an independence gaining activity. They say it, knowing that they still love you, practising getting distance they will need as an adult. I'm not sure what I think about that...I do remember having vile mood swings as a teenager, and having supplements and then trying the Pill..( made me sick, so stuck with moodiness!) to the point I would be sobbing and shaking for no reason. Is it in anyway connected with her cycle..or just non0stop? I hope you can find a bit of space t chat this through....and I do believe in withdrawal of privelidges...works wonders..although you will be the worst mother in the worls/wicked witch of the west for a while........ Hugs x x

[Seagazer]

Kids really need to know where the boundaries are and that you love them, no matter what. I didn't have too many problems with DD but ES pushed the boundaries a few times and we had to do the usual thing of grounding etc.

 

You do have my sympathy as YS is now 13 and just starting to get a bit of a temper on him. Oh the joy. He and his brother also seem to like to wind each other up.

 

I hope you can work it out with your daughter.

[The Dogmother]

One pre-requisite for being a teenager is knowing which buttons to push to get your parents worked up!

[Aunty e]

ARGH, don't say things like this Only joking of course. I remember being a delightful teenage girl, but I did end up on the pill to stop me going literally crazy for two weeks every month - throwing things around, screaming, crying, hitting my little brothers. I was a horrid person to be around until I started taking a hormonal contraceptive. Of course that doesn't work on everything, and if it is just teenage moodiness, I think more boundaries probably would help. My sister got to do pretty much anything she wanted (she lived with Dad, I lived with Mum and boarded at school) and it did not end well for her. Although she's out the other side now and pretty settled with a good job driving trains, her route there involved no qualifications, a spell in a care home, teenage pregnancy (TWICE!), bankruptcy and a series of rubbish relationships with people who treated her badly. I had an off the rails period in my late teens too, but it only lasted six months thankfully (and would have been over quicker if my Mum had put her foot down and told me I wasn't allowed to drop out of uni just because it was hard work).

[alih]

I agree with Chucky Mama, my place seems like a boot camp in comparison...

 

her mobile is only for emergency contact, not socialising, once her monthly credit is gone, it doesn't get topped up again until the next month.

 

The only laptop we have is an old ex-work one for her to do her homework on, all pooters have parental control installed and are locked down, so no social chat sites; homework only.

 

No TV in her room and the straighteners are kept in my room where I can keep an eye on them.

 

She is not allowed out to maraud around town with the groups of feckless teens; she goes out with a purpose, and is back by the allotted time. She has been grounded before now and will continue to be so for any infringements and lack of respect.

 

I have 2 teenage daughters who are delightful but my home sounds like Claret's in terms of strictness levels: phones have limited credit/ month, no screens at all allowed in their rooms, younger one has to share the very old computer with her 2 little siblings and it is slow/ half-broken...very limited pocket money and they work for extra and have to contribute towards their foreign school trips.... it sounds joyless but really isn't! We get on really well, they have respect for money, abide by curfews and know that pushing gets them nowhere. But teenagers are naturally boundary-stretchers and whatever theya re given will want just a leeeetle but more. Mine were both trickier at 13 but are already (at 15 and 16) lovely young women. You will get there.

I think we understand each other

[Seagazer]

I hope my hubby doesn't ground me - I left the straighteners on all day last week

[scarlettohara]

Having been throught it with twin boys, I understand how you feel. We have had various broken panes of glass, both their bedroom doors have dents punched into them (and these are replacements after other damage) lamps smashed, dents punched into cars. They will be 20 next month and they are such good lads now (especially after their father left). It has nothing to do with spoiling - all our children are spoilt because they have access to things we didn't. She will grow out of it but then you will have the next one to deal with, however you will be more equipped next time as you have been there done that.

[freddie]

There is a book, called the Princess "Ooops, word censored!"face syndrome. I can reccomend it!(and its little, so wont do too much damage if you throw it)

I really feel for you. Hugs

[Guest]

Sarah will be 19y old soon, we didnt have any early teenage angst with her at all - however (clearly a late developer!) she imagined about 10m ago that she would start with a bit of attitude - small things, being huffy, argumentative with her sister (13y) - it got nailed hard and fast in the bud and we sat down with her and spelled out how things were going to be, we involved Jo (13y old) also in the process and we all had our say then asked her how/what she thought.

 

We all then agreed that bad attitude led to negativity and a bad atmosphere which wasnt acceptable. Things went along a lot better for a while and then started to slip slightly, she had been warned exactly what would happen and immediately the attitude began again she immediately had her car keys taken from her and as we live in the country with no regular bus this was a blow!

 

I'm happy to say that she has met a lovely guy who is a farmer's son, they have now been seeing each other for 7m, she is back to the happy girl she was, she offers to help, does the ironing, takes her sister places etc...so it does get better.

 

We have been very lucky with both the girls, we didnt have tantrum problems etc when they were young, they have always been told that every action has a consequence, and whatever that consequence may be is never revoked - they know the rules and to be fair they stick to them.

 

I have never smacked, but no always means no and i am very strict with manners, taking care of things - i wont stand for lying on any level and the consequence of this is that major privileges would be lost.

 

A colleague's daughter is causing her major problems right now however, she is almost the same age as Jo and has gone from being the nicest girl to a sullen, grumpy, foul mouthed little devil, she dresses in really inappropriate clothes, wears black eyeliner so thick she looks like she's ill and decided recently when her mother told her she wasnt having anything pierced/tatoo'd that she would do it herself. OMG..the mess. She has been caught drinking and has recently been suspended twice for swearing/violence at school. My friend is at her wits end and it seems the more upset she gets the worse her daughter behaves. She is seeing a boy 5y older (what 18y old guy dates a 13y old girl??) and i know how worried her parents are as she lies about going to school etc.

 

Re your daughter - if you sat her down with the whole family and talked out how her behaviour affects each and everyone of you, would this help her/you all?

 

Hormones, eh..the joy!

[sadietoo]

It's such a tough time isn't it. Hormones of course play a huge part, but are you sure it's not just badly expressed insecurity? Whilst I am sure your oh treats her like his own..she isn't and she's the oldest by what seems like a fair way, younger children are always more loveable and easy to deal with, and at her age maybe that makes her feel less secure in the family unit?...unfortunately for her she has all these emotions and only very childish ways to express them, like bullying younger siblings etc...on that subject are you sure she isn't being bullied at school?

 

Whatever is going on, personally I think you do have to set boundaries and be the Wicked Witch of the West when these are crossed. privileges have to be earned by demonstrating that you are mature enough to deal with them and picking on children much younger than you is a definite no no...

It will pass, but I found with my kids that I couldn't always be their friend and do what was best for them too...its like treading on eggshells....

sending hugs....

[Alis girls]

Mum to 2 boys but have watched friends with girls some struggle others dont. cant swop you a stroppy 9 year old boy - his teacher said hes like "Kevin" - that doesnt make me laugh -its caused stress and anxiety.

I wonder if because her hormones are up the creek she is wondering if life with her birth dad would be preferable. I have known of this sort of thing before - lets face it if he wasnt intersted when she was little will he be now. You and the OH are doing a fine job - sorry no real advice I am sure it will come right in the end - what address please to send my DS? I am joking - honest

[bluekarin]

I can really sympathise with you. My ED went from a happy, bubbly, smiling girl to a stroppy teen literally overnight! And this happened before she was an actual teen! She is worse during the week before she's due on. We do give her a fair bit of leeway for her behaviour as she is on some medication which has horrible side affects. That said, if she goes over the acceptable bad behaviour limit, she does get told off. I think all you can do is keep the communication channels open, as one day she will feel like talking to you. It's the little milestones that make feel like yes, I can do this. I shall look out for that book someone recommended.

 

 

I've got all this to go through with my DS who will be a teen this year.

 

 

And my YD who will be a teen end of next year! Happy Happy Joy Joy!

[Chickendoodle]

Went through it with my ED from 14-18. She was such a delightful loving child and then suddenly this monster appeared. She thought I was the lowest thing on earth (how that hurt - I cried many many tears). Said to me one day - "when I was little I thought you knew everthing but now I am grown up (!) I realise you know nothing"

 

She is a very clever girl but totally gave up on school work and dropped out of college before her A levels. I despaired about her future. Went to Australia for a year at age 18 and came back grown up. She is now 25, has worked in social services since the age of 19 and is half way through a 3 year social work degree.

 

We have a lovely relationship again. My YD who is now 23 never showed any "monster" signs as a teenager, I think largely because she didn't like witnessing her sister being horrible.

 

Hang on in there. You have my every sympathy as it is an absolutely nightmare time. You will have many hard times and sleepless nights to come but you will all get through it. I can only repeat what has been said on here - have boundaries on things that are important - just like you would do with a toddler.

 

My girls' Dad left when they were little (2 and 5 months)so they also have abandonment issues. I married my OH 2 years later so they have had a stable father figure. Their Dad is next to useless and has made little effort to be a proper father to them. Your situation may have some bearing on your DD's behaviour but I have come to realise over time that I have no control over my girls' relationship with their Dad. I spent many hours in the car transporting them to see their Dad when they were growing up (he was always too busy to collect them) but I cannot control how thoughtless he is.

 

Don't worry about what you cannot control but take control of the things you need to .

[AJuff]

I was so pleased to read all the above. I know now that I'm not alone and this is normal. i have a 13 yr old monster. Everyone else thinks she's amazing!!! I can look ahead to better days.

[Happy chickens!]

I found this book very reassuring!!!! http://www.amazon.co.uk/Help-My-Teenager-Alien-Situation/dp/0718149718

 

Good luck!

[Chickvic]

I have a 13 and a quarter year old and I know exactly what you mean, I've read this thread with interest and may buy a book or two. I don't think there are any real answers, only different ideas - I feel like I've tried them all! My DD tends to fall out more with her dad than me at the moment but that is likely to change, I am glad to hear that it does improve - that's the one thing I'm clinging to!

[clootie]

I must be in the minority and very thankful for it going by some of these posts. My DD is 15 yrs old and is showing no signs of hormonal mood swings and everything that comes with them. She is funny, helpful, considerate and generally nice to be around. Maybe she's just a late starter? I hope not!

 

My soon to be 17 yr old son on the other hand .............